Hi Kristin,

Firstly, I want to acknowledge the hurt that you feel; lies to me are like stabbing me in the chest! Although every experience is different and everyone reacts differently to situations I have been in a relationship with someone who has lied, deceived and sneaked around behind my back for 18 months; it has driven me to the point where I have checked, logged into accounts, left recordings going to find out whether they tell the truth and been to my GP, a counsellor and a psychiatrist because I was afraid that it was my fault and I had a paranoia type mental illness. We keep trying again but everytime I feel less and less able to tell whether I am being told the truth or not. I’m reacting in a way that I do not like even more now. I do not like myself at the moment. I can only offer what I have learned from being in that situation and looking back…

I have realised something – it didn’t drive me to that point. It was my choice to stay, every time I forgave them and tried to understand, I made a choice, as much as it was their choice to keep lying, even if it was a deep seated issue for them, it was still a personal choice.

I am a co-dependant, I like to think that if I give people enough chances they will ‘fix’ themselves and come through for me. This is totally wrong, if someone has an issue they will have to fix it for themselves first, not anyone else. You can give people as many chances as you like but if they are not in a place where they are ready to resolve their own issues, they won’t and by keep giving them the chances you are feeding their issue. I am learning to accept this and treat myself with the same respect and love that I like to treat others with…I’m still trying to figure out where to draw the line though.

In every situation there are two people, two sets of choices and two people with responsibilities for their own actions. No one makes you behave the way that you do. I am in the early days of learning to sit with someone else actions/words for a while and make a decision about what action, if any, I am going to take. It’s very, very hard to do, especially in such a potentially volatile situation, so I have broken off the relationship to give myself time to learn to do this. I’ve told him I can only offer friendship to anyone at this point. It’s his choice if he takes it or not. Once I have got my ‘calm’ back, I may be able to offer more.

Try not to spin the word ‘why’ around your head too much – a lot of the time you will just have to accept that people act the way that they do and you will not be able to understand it. That is also a very difficult thing to learn to do, we all like to have answers and be compassionate about other people but be kind to yourself, don’t let it eat you up.

I hope that these comments help you even just a little on your way to finding your ‘calm’

Jax x