Rayman,

Buddha taught that the motivation to find happiness often leads us to act in ways that undermine our happiness. Consider that the earthly hell you’re experiencing is actually just an afflictive view, a fermented remain of all of your past mischievous behavior. My suggestion is you read “The Myth of Freedom” and “Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism” by Chogyam Trungpa. You have a rich insight into the nature of samsara, but seem lost within it, seeing gloom instead of good, instead of hope. This is a side effect of the isolating quality of deception. You have “stood above” others, ignorantly, in your own mind, when truthfully you missed all the joy, all the beauty.

Said differently, you dug a hole with lies, and with effort you can fill the hole with truth. But right now, you don’t have truth, you have “your view”, which is undermined by all of the fermentation. Consider also seeking a vajrayana Buddhist teacher, they can help you to confront your dysfunctional patterns, show you how to disentangle from your egoic stickiness.

With warmth,
Matt