Hey there, I hear you.
The analysing and the feeling threatened by well… pretty much everything in the wrong moments. What’s confusing for me is that I’ve had a ten year relationship where we’d tell each other that we’d stay together forever, that we could do anything together. All the stuff girls like to hear. Up until the end rarely anything ever threatened our relationship. We had some serious bat-shit fights but somehow it was never about leaving each other. And you know what? All that wasn’t worth anything in the end. We didn’t get through our problems. We talked and fought and talked again, hoping to sort it all out. But we didn’t manage on our own and we didn’t get help. We went wrong somewhere and in the end all the security, all the “forever”-talk turned into dust. It was a co-dependent relationship and my ex was the first one to tell me that I need to be more independent. I rebelled at first but after a while I started to realise that he was right and started to explore my independence. Up to the point where he got uncomfortable with it (mind you, we’re just talking about spending some afternoons with friends for example). At some point I felt way too pressured by his neediness and it was like breathing for the first time when I started an open relationship after that. No expectations, we both do what we feel like and if we meet in the middle, awesome!

That was in the beginning when I thought there was no way I’m gonna get caught in this longterm-relationship-thing again that soon. And then I slowly started to change my mind and wanted to give things a possible future. And there the trouble started. I started interpreting every little thing as if it was an omen for everything. I’m annoying myself with it! So I know that I don’t want to go back to a co-dependent relationship but at the same time I feel insecure when my boyfriend doesn’t need me as much as I’d like him to (which of course only comes from my own insecurity, otherwise I wouldn’t mind, right?). Epic trap 🙁 And at the same time I know how bad it felt when my ex was needy so I am sort of scared to open up and ask for what I want…

I’ve read something nice somewhere: it’s ok to ask for what you want but you shouldn’t be upset if the answer is no. All this “no expectations” stuff we had in the beginning (and are still trying to hold on to) felt so liberating and good. If you truly love someone, you don’t hold on to them if they’d be happier somewhere else. This does make a lot of sense on a logical level but in reality I’m still struggling… On bad days I feel threatened if he just put his earplugs in instead of “sharing” the music he’s listening to XD Gosh I’d be happy to figure out how to get over it. I certainly get enough attention when I’m alone anywhere so you’d think I should be confident :/