Hi again Yohannes,
please please seek some help and open up to someone about how you are feeling, there are genuine people out there who will be more than ready to give you the support and help that you need right now. Don’t be afraid to get help, lots of us have experienced or are experiencing problems similar to yours and know the desperation you are talking about, and the pain that you want to get out of. You really are worth a million regardless of the lack of a job currently, or the lack of education.( A friend of mine started studying at the age of 50 something, and loved and appreciated it all the more because she was really ready to do it!). Your girlfriend wouldn’t still be with you if she didn’t feel strongly about you, and I bet she would never want to be without you!!! Your dog would be heartbroken if you weren’t around, their bond with humans is so strong, they feel loss too :-(. Try to make a little plan of taking your dog for a lovely walk in the park each day, and before long you may find that being out in the fresh air, meeting other people and seeing nature around you may help a tiny bit at least? Maybe you could gradually build up a few more minutes each day, and in time perhaps two walks a day…..? You will feel happier knowing that your lovely dog is enjoying him/herself. While you are walking you could try to remember some of the things you used to enjoy when you were feeling happier, maybe some kind of sport/art/music etc. Perhaps you could start to listen to your favourite music for a while each day, music can be great for lifting the spirits too. Another idea would be to make two lists opposite each other, one of the problems you are experiencing, eg unemployed, or lack of education, etc, and in the other column a list of simple alternatives even if they are not total solutions – for example, you may feel that you are not as educated as you would like to be, but perhaps you could borrow a book from the library on your favourite subject and learn some more about it? I think the key thing with all of this is DON’T GIVE UP, THERE IS HELP OUT THERE, and there may be other solutions even if they are not directly the ones you were expecting to have or achieve? We are all still out here rooting for you, and really want you to get some medical help now!!!!!!!!!!! One day you will look back and won’t be able to believe how you managed to pull yourself up out of these feelings and this situation, but you will. There is one thing sure about life and that is that it constantly changes, so even depressive type feelings have to change at some point :-). Surround yourself with people who you love, and most of all love yourself and give yourself a great big break. It is not your fault that you don’t have work, it is not your fault that you have not had the education you would have liked to have, it is also not your fault that you do not have your family around you. You are a decent person who has had some rough times and deserves peace and happiness, maybe you will find a little of that when you stop blaming yourself, and thinking your girlfriend would be better off without you? If you ask her I am sure she wouldn’t want to be without you for a month, let alone a lifetime. A tiny thing that can sometimes help a little is to write a gratitude journal – something like this (3 things each day?): I am grateful that my dog came and sat with me when I was feeling so sad. I am grateful that my friends on Tiny Buddha are all rooting for me :-). I am grateful that my girlfriend came home from work and spent time with me. etc. Please let us know how you get on with seeking some help, and also if any of the little ideas help. I (and others) will be looking out for your next post, so cut yourself a great big slack, do some little things you enjoy, and get help asap.
All best wishes, sunshine and smiles sent your way, and all fingers and toes crossed for the best help possible for you! Sarah – Jane.