Hi guys, I just found this site and feel the need to chime in. I am that husband that you are discussing and my wife is a lot like you. However, unfortunately my wife ended up having an affair over the past year in order to fill her emotional void. I have always been a great guy…a hard worker, make good money and think of myself has attractive, fun and loving. All of my friends can not believe this happened. However, I have realized that I have been going through the motions by putting on the suit everyday and being the “provider” but I was not truly happy with my life and that caused me to be distant. I was feeling under-appreciated and felt like I was not being made a priority. After having the atomic bomb dropped on me two weeks ago when I found out about the affair I was devastated. I have loved my wife with all of my heart for our entire relationship. But I will admit I was not the best at showing affection. Our sex life had gotten routine, despite attempts to spice it up and we clearly fell into that rut you described. While I understand that it is not my fault that she had an affair, I am beginning to understand that there is a lot of cleaning up that needs to be done on my side of the street. I was definitely co-dependent on her. We are now separated and I am realizing how much I was depending on her to do things for me and make me happy. We have a 2 year old son and I have been taking care of him full time while we are separated. In the short time that we have been apart, it has been extremely eye-opening, and if there is any type of a silver lining from the horrible pain I have felt, it is that I now have an opportunity to think deeply about the man I want to be going forward. I have always suppressed my emotions and held a tough exterior because I thought that was the manly thing to do. I allowed myself to get distant from my wife because I was secretly unhappy with other factors in the relationship. Specifically, her not prioritizing me over her mother and sister. But I was not being honest with myself or with her, so I just got distant. I thought I was doing the right thing by just riding it out. I realize now that it is my responsibility to make myself happy, just like it is her responsibility to make herself happy. We can only be good for each other if we love our individual selves first. My point in sharing all of this is not to say go out and have an affair, but maybe think about spending time apart to see how you both can grow independently. That time apart may provide some clarity for you and for him.

I know that for me, this has been an extremely eye opening experience and whether or not we stay together, I will end up being a better man as a result. There is always hope and time away will make it clear if you should be together or not.