Hi sondersome,

I see a lot of what brought me to this site in your post. It reads very similar to what happened to me and I definitely understand what you are going through. You should give yourself some credit and praise for realizing a relationship should be with someone who wants to be with you not something you have to beg and plead for – it takes others a long time to realize this. I too was dumped on a holiday (Halloween). I know that feeling of wanting to pick up the phone and call that person – I myself had so many unanswered questions that I had to try to let go of – and I had to take her number out of my phone to resist the urges after awhile. For me the thing that hurt the most was knowing I did everything I could to support and love her and at the end it was almost like she was disgusted with me. Ultimately I realized none of that mattered, her opinion stopped mattering, I knew I was a good person and I could walk away from the relationship knowing I did everything I could to try to make it work and it just wasn’t meant to be. Thoughts like that might not be comforting yet, you are going to feel sad or lost for awhile, that’s okay and normal I believe. The key is that you don’t stay in that place longer than you need to – you won’t immediately bounce right back and you should allow yourself time to grieve but don’t let this experience lead you to a stagnant place where you are shutting the doors on the opportunities of life (if that makes any sense).

I think everybody is a little bit different so what seems to be working for me might not necessarily work for you but I’ll offer up what I am doing to try to progress. I think the most important thing is that you focus on yourself and be selfish for a little while. Be kind to yourself and realize that even though things didn’t work out with that person, your wants and needs are just as legitimate as theirs and you have a right to happiness yourself.

It’s been about two and half months for me and many days have been a struggle, I honestly have to take it hour by hour some days, but I’ve tried applying different techniques to cope and not stay stuck in the feelings of sadness. Sometimes I go for a walk or run, sometimes I take a few minutes to go to a quiet place and meditate, but I always try to keep a firm grasp on the present moment. Sometimes I just sit and try to find the gratitude for all the blessings in my life right now. I’m at a place where it helps me to acknowledge the events that have led me to this place but to not dwell on them. I feel them, acknowledge them, and move on. For me the thing that has helped me the most is forming a routine around all the things I had been putting off doing. Getting in shape the way I had been planning for years, finishing up my degree program and certifications, trying things I’d always wanted to do like tai chi and cooking classes. I started working on improving myself and I’m slowly seeing the way this breakup has led me to being a better version of myself. I’m seeing how my reaction to the adversities of life are changing to more positive responses – I’m gaining a gratitude for all the positives in my life that wasn’t there before. I feel like I’m becoming a stronger person.

Ultimately the hardest thing I’ve had to do throughout all of this was forgive my ex and show her compassion. It went against everything I felt, everything my friends has suggested to me, every response I would have had in the past. I choose to take a different approach this time and from the sounds of it you are trying to do something similar yourself. Don’t beat yourself up if you get tripped up by feelings of sadness. There are things I do and see on a daily basis that remind me of my ex or things we had done or planned to do that stir up those feelings. Just remember you are a work in progress. Not everything you find on this site might work for you or will be something you believe in but try to have an open mind (if you would have told me a year ago I would be meditating daily I would have laughed in your face). But I can promise if you put yourself first right now and show a little love and forgiveness to yourself – in time you will heal. I’ve felt just the way you are feeling right now, I get it completely, and I wish I could say there’s a quick fix to make that pain go away but there just isn’t (at least not one that is healthy for you). There’s several good blog posts on here that might help to bring you out of that frame of mind when you are feeling down. Something I like to do is whenever I’m hit with those feelings of sadness or longing, I pull up a blog post or search through some motivational quotes.

I wish you the best with your recovery, you are not alone, and it’s hard to imagine right now but if you let it this will make you a stronger person one day.

Matt