gosh i really hope someone can answer you. because i sadly do not have the answers…yet.

my husband left 6 months ago. the pain is oftentimes unbearable still and the anger i hold over him for doing this to me…i have never felt more powerless and hurt. it made me question myself, my resilience, my strength, my worth as a person. he left me, stole money, abandoned me in his country with no friends or family (we had left our home overseas to move here) and then within 2 months, he was gone. he didn’t stand by me as i struggled to settle and find my feet here. i will never understand, and as much as i want to, people keep telling me i need to let go…and not try to understand.

I’ve been in therapy for 6 months and I’ve learned so much about myself, the role i played and who i want to be. BUT, it STILL hurts. I am still angry. And i get it! I really do – hanging on to the anger is damaging. Im holding myself prisoner. I’m hurting me, not him. but how th hell do you let go? If anyone has these answers, id gladly hear them. I’ve done it all…read inspiring books by strong, wonderful women who have overcome betrayal and had it much worse than i, I’ve had ‘letting go ceremonies’, I’ve faced this divorce with grace and dignity and held my head up and fought for things i know i am owed. I have no let him crush me. But i am stuck in this crazy 8 pattern where i feel so angry and helpless and then the depression comes. I then get fed up of the depression and get angry but then it continues. it’s awful. this has been the single most painful event of my life, too…i get it. I really do. I had given up my career for this man and I’m still unemployed. I can’t deny my depression and lack of support has crushed my confidence in my ability to do anything…..i have contemplated suicide because i didn’t want to feel the pain anymore. I still struggle with the suicidal ideation at times, and i wrk on this. I wish i could return to my country (complicated visa restrictions and a loooooooong story) but i can’t..so I’m stuck in this country with no one. I dont have the energy or the motivation to meet new people. to start over. I’ve convinced myself I’m unemployable.

and yet, i find myself thinking about how happy he is. with his new piece on the side he left me for. happy to have gotten rid of me…while i sacrificed..compromised EVERYTHING for this man and i am stuck.

so..yes, HOW DOES ONE GET BEYOND IT? because I’m sure as shit I’ve tried it all. I’m fucking tired quite frankly…so i get it. i get it. i really do. I can’t imagine ever finding joy, peace in life. that’s the bit that bothers me the most…knowing that in some way, i wasn’t good enough for my husband. even though he told me and convinced me i was…so he was content for me to give up everything. and then when he got home, got everything he wanted…SEE YA. I feel SO beatrayed. so, so deeply. the pain runs deep and i wish more than anything i was a strong, confident woman who could walk away, head held high and say “He didn’t deserve me and i deserve better than this!”. but I’m not. I’m weak. and quit frankly i don’t see how ill ever recover and not be bitter and twisted. EVEN THOUGH i know that outcome will just prolong the pain…

how do you let go? seriously? beyond telling myself, day, after day, after day…LET GO, KATE! He’s a small blip on your journey! i shared my life, travelled the world, compromised, loved him and supported him when he went through his darkest days and suddenly….bam. How do you ever learn to trust again? Im 34 and i can’t see a way out. i really can’t.

sorry i hijacked this, but i need answers too. i am desperate.