Hi,

I want to tell you shortly my life story and then ask you some questions. I know my problem, i did analyzed my situation but can’t get out these weird circle. So my problem is practical, i guess everbody’s. You know, the system fuck our souls. We forgot ourselves… Thank you for your support…

I’m 34 years old. From Turkey. Live in a small city which is my hometown in Aegean Side of Turkey. I’m here since 2013.

Actually 10 years ago moved to İstanbul for working. Worked as editor, copywriter and so on… Actually during that period i’ve worked 5 years. The another 5 years were lost in depression and pain.

Back to my parent’s place 7 years ago with a broken heart. I think that was the first “call.” I started to paint (from very highy level) suddenly and healed my soul. But then i runned away my-self and went to Istanbul again. (Back to the vicious circle.) Lived the similar wrong-love-stories and bad-working-experiences again and again. Got in depression but refused to back to my hometown. Instead that i found some funny solution for living. Started to live a group of people so my mom sent me few money etc…

Surprisingly in 2012 my parents move to Istanbul for a while cause of my father’s job. So we started to live together and i started to being alone, read more… By the way in last years i’ve lost my all friends. I was alone in a real way. Then i started to fight with my parents about everything and getting crazy little bit. That was so bad.

Honestly at the first time i hated someone. My mom. And it was also the first time that i discover the evil side of me. (I discover my dark side :))

I guess i am a late-bloomer, you know. I started to write, and play guitar also (from very high level again).

That was amazing and weird at the same time.

Actually i was lazy and unsuccesful student while i was a child. Thats why almost everybody call me “sleepy” “lazy” “fool”…

Today i discover that i was believing (subconcious level) deeply that i’m useless during all that years.

NOW i know that i’m not stupid and not useles. But i lost so many years. Have none friends. Alone in my hometown. 34 years old. Have a bad CV and have none professional connections. I was not so good to communicate on a formal communication. You know, because i was a unresponsible child, you know. I know that now…

Last week i stopped to looking for a job. I decided to write. Just read & write. I have a movie project that i want to finish as soon as possible.

BUT (My actual practical problem) i have a rapid heart beat. I cry suddenly. I often think about my past and cry again.

I scared as hell to my future! So, i scared to be alone like this and getting old in my parents house, scared to

something that i don’t know, you know… 🙁

I have projects… Books, screenplays, have lots of stories… But i can’t get in still-right tune for focusing and working. I feel lost. Feel sad. Feel falling-apart… 🙁

I read sometimes. I take notes sometimes. But i can’t let it go, you know. Fear… Dark FUCKING fear i have.

Lots of what ifs… Literally i fight with my-self. 🙁

One day i’m fine, next day i’m in depression, then at night very happy, one day i do yoga, next day i just sleep, one day i walk and nice, next day feel lost…

I’m TIRED.

What should i do? Actually for feeling still and writing-finishing my projects?

Thank you so much…
Love & Peace