Hi Drikken,

I like your post and would like to share my thoughts on this. For me it is difficult to answer your question because this is very subjective experience, so maybe every person can share a different version of this state. There was a period of my life, for about 5-6 months, when I felt “enlightened”. It just happened spontaneously, I didn’t put any effort or had any conscious intent to achieve it. It was the only time in my life when I felt truly alive and free, and since then, I have tried so many approaches to return to this state, to no avail.
I was 24 then, working a stressful call center job where the struggle was to be promoted to a supervisor role in order to get rid of the hundreds of difficult callers. At the same time, I felt in love with a colleague, for the first time in my life – I mean, really, true love. This was “The One” for me. In the Spring, a supervisor opening I was preparing for, was not given to me, and the other person took credit for my efforts in a challenging project. At the same time, my love was not to happen, as this person was so afraid of intimacy that he denied his feelings, but he too had deep feelings for me. So night after night, I would go home, stressed, breathing deeply to calm down, laying on the floor in my room forwardbending on my knees. Nowadays I know this posture from Yoga as shashankasana. I did not cry, I was not angry, but it was too overwelming for me. I just wanted to know Why my desires could not be fulfilled. The next day was another stress and battle, I took short breaks and cried in the toilets, breathing heavily, almost like a panic attack, trembling. Then the night at home the same – forwardbending on my knees, trying to make sense of everything. To me at 24 these problems seemed like the end of the world 🙂
One day after another stressful and painful disappointment at work, I impulsively left my resignation letter on my boss’ desk. This madness had to stop. My friends and family alltoghether screamed that I was crazy to leave my job without having found another one but I knew in my heart this was the right decision and I trusted it. Then something happened – I was going to psychotherapy, and one day I told my therapist: I have never felt worse in my life! I am soo emotional and sensitive, I finally understand the meaning of poetry, I cry all the time, I feel so grateful, and present, and feel unconditional love for everybody! I feel connected to everyone in the world! WHat is wrong with me! :D:D:D
I saw a quote from Carl Jung somewhere on the net: “Neurotics often hardly breathe at all and when at last they are forced to draw a breath they sigh, and their fond relations are much concerned and ask: “What is the matter?” But they were just in need of breath.”
The following months I spent enjoying the simple little things, living with almost no money, not having titles as we do in our work, or busy schedules, or anything that satisfies the ego. I was calm and knew and trusted that everything is the way it’s supposed to be. I literally loved everybody and did not judge them, I knew that everyone is where they are supposed to be, and that enlightenment does not depend on any conditioning and that every person in the world can wake up in an instant if they decide to. I felt happy and alive, so confident and trusting that I was ready to die any moment if I was meant to, without fear. For the first time in my life I spontaneously wanted to pray even though I am not a religious person, this was a religious experience: the word Religion comes from latin and means reconnecting, experiencing wholeness. As for “The One”, I accepted the fact that our love cannot happen. Nevertheless, I “sent” him my love every time I felt like it, and I prayed for his happiness. I only wanted to give him my comfort even as a friend, as long as he is not comfortable with intimacy, I accepted that.
I lost that state shortly after I started a new job, as I had exhausted my scarce resources. I did not mind to work in order to put food on my table, actually I was grateful for the generosity of my employer 🙂 the problem was my graduate integration to an unhealthy corporate culture. After that it has been 5 years now, and I have tried everything to return to this state of happiness. I started practicing Yoga, reading books on spirituality, started my own psychoanalysis, as my education is psychological and I know that overcoming neurotic symptoms is the way. I read a lot of books, watch movies, but nothing is working so far. Not only that, the unconditional love I had for this person was never manifested with other men, I always took into account what I receive in return for what I give, this kills the true love, but unfortunately we also need to be practical and not being taken advantage.
I’m sorry to give a stupid example, but there is one episode of Dharma and Greg series when Greg experiences enlightenment, and for me it is a very successful description of the state – Dharma and Greg Season 3 Episode 1 One flew over the lawyers desk 😀 😀