Hi Toggles, first of all I really extend my sympathy towards you as this is an extremely difficult situation to be in. I went through something similar with an ex boyfriend. We had the best of times together when it was good, but when it was bad it was toxic. When he went into one of his drunken rages he would call me horrible names and accuse me of sleeping around and betraying him. (This was not remotely true, yes I had a lovelife before him but as soon as we met I did not even look at another guy.) Like your situation, he never willingly apologised after one of these drunken rages and i nearly had to coax it out of him. His issue was that he was extremely untrusting of me, and that got worse when he was drunk. I wonder are there any other issues in your relationship that you may think are minor but are exaggerated when he is drunk?

Myself and my ex really really wanted it to work between us, we loved each other so deeply. He even went to counselling over his trust issues / drunken abusive rages and his counsellor encouraged him to tell me that he had discovered in recent years that his father was having an affair with a neighbour and it was ongoing. This obviously affected him alot. Now im not suggesting that this is what is happening with your partner, but this revelation was obviously a factor towards his issues. I could not believe it when he had told me as I knew nothing about this. Would your boyfriend consider counselling to overcome his issues? There may be something deeper that you are not aware of, that has nothing to do with you.

My ex even told me he would give up alocohol for me, but this did not last very long. There was a “last straw” where he was particularly aggressive towards me (never physical might I add) and I decided to end it once and for all. Finishing it was long and drawn out as we both had so much love for each other. (I stress this as I can tell that there is alot of love between you and your boyfriend.) About a month or 2 after we finished, I cut all contact. I was totally and utterly heartbroken, but I couldn’t say that we didnt try everything to make it work, and yet still he did not change.

My advice would be to maybe suggest counselling as a last resort before you pack up and leave. If he loves you and truly wants to stay with you he will try it. (My ex wasn’t the “counselling” type, he would have died if any of his friends had found out as he was a bit of a “hard man”.) I do not regret breaking up with my ex in the end as we really did try to make it work, and after all that he still used to upset me with his drunken rages. I was heartbroken for a long time, but I healed and in turn I gained my life back. Although a new relationship is the last thing on your mind right now, I met the guy im with now 4 years later and he brings 100 times more happiness into my life than anyone else i have ever been with. I do still think of my ex but mainly in an angry way as I think how on earth could I have put up with that for so long. You deserve to be happy ALL the time, not just sometimes. xx