I’ve been there. A lot of people have. Circumstances for each are of course different but the devil isn’t always in these details.

The devil is in not having the confidence, the believe that you can’t get out of your comfort zone. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy but it doesn’t have to stay that way. Part of you might not really want to make change for yourself because as you said, it is what you know. We know a lot of terrible things in our lives: what we can’t accomplish, why we aren’t good enough for someone else, why it’s too difficult to try, etc. So how do you get to know a lot of positive things?

You talk about worring yourself over the change you seek that you think is “some unknown fear of failure” stemming from “the things that I am suppose to do but can’t do”. STOP RIGHT THERE.

“Suppose to do”? What do you WANT to do?

Seriously. Do you WANT to get this grad degree? Really? Maybe yes, maybe no. However, STOP thinking about the world (aka yourself) in terms of what you are suppose to do. It’s not working for you, it didn’t work for me and it doesn’t really hold the keys to anything for anyone. If you go about life with this kind of thinking there is a very high chance you will be miserable. I think you are already half way there. Time to change that by asking yourself: what do I want to do?

I am not talking about shirking off your important responsibilities like taking care of your children and arguably more importantly, YOURSELF, but I am talking about finding the courage to decide what you really want your life to be about and not what you think it’s supposed to be about because of your believe of what someone else’s opinion of your life is, be that your parents, your ex’s, your friends. This can be a very deep rooted thing to explore but it’s so worth the pain and the time because you lie within that and there is nothing more important that you.

It will not happen overnight. No real change does and when I was in the place you are now I felt like these decisions, these changes I wanted to find and figure out, that they had to come in the form of a light switch moment and I was looking for others input as if that would make everything right. As it turns out I still occasionally do this but what actually came about was a slow and steady change to where I started making change for myself by forgiving myself and releasing myself from the should’s of life and putting the focus on my health which gave me the confidence to get out of my comfort zone and find the more authentic me.

A support system does help, so if your friends don’t get this (and many of mine didn’t either, even the best of them could only somewhat see what I was thinking because they aren’t me) and your kids are too young (and they have their own lives too) and your parents are too set in their ways of fear and dependance (maybe they are, maybe it’s how you see them) then you need to find some support. Another person on this thread mentioned therapy, and that can be very helpful. There is no shame in that just be sure it’s the right person and don’t settle if you go down that path.

But here is some direct advice I can share because it worked for me.

Start making some very small change. There is a concept I love called “find your leaver”. The idea is you do one thing and make that a new habit. It has to be healthy and it has to be something you want to do, maybe you don’t realize you want to do it at first. I stopped eating all grains. That sounds hard but it wasn’t really, my body and my pallet changed to adapt to this very quickly and this lead to me having much less digestive issues, which I always had due to chronic stress. Feeling better I found I was cycling more for fun. Then I started meditating for 5 minutes in the middle of my bike rides. Then I started doing TRX classes. Oh and I quit my soul sucking job and started freelancing. None of this happened overnight and one thing gradually led into another and into another.

The real takeaway for me is, I’m not finished. This is a path I am now on, and I can’t imagine my life different from this now but it’s not a light switch change that is “over” once complete. It’s something I learned somewhat to my surprise because I was so stuck in unhealthy habits of pleasing others, of worrying about the future, of eating a crap diet and abusing caffeine, etc… I learned that my new ways were enjoyable, that I WANTED to do them and forgot all about what I SHOULD be doing.

You might find that something completely different than looking for the answers to your grad school question etc will in time bring about the answers to those same questions. Maybe you need to take a break from that focus because you mind is in a rut. Try focusing on something else, like your health, just for a day, a week, one month. Consider it a vacation from your worry self. Notice not only how you feel about this but how other people you care about respond (subtle) to this. When you put you first, can you let go of your own need to have others need you?

Love and Light.

bk