@anita

Sorry for the late reply.

I have been still working hard to achieve happiness. Unfortunately, I still can’t grasp it. I’m trying the best I can to remain hopeful. But I’m afraid I have lost meaning in life. Everything is just black and white to me.

I guess all I really want out of life is love. Love comes naturally to others, but people like me have a hard time understanding it. You see, I have lost my childhood. It was a mistake for me to be born. I was not planned. I just appeared. My parents divorced and separated a long distance when I was only a few months old. I never really had a father at that time. My mother was too young and had problems herself. So she neglected my siblings and I. As a middle child, you always feel like the odd one out and left out by everyone. In my family there were two middle children and I was unfortunate to be one. I had felt as I had to team up with the other middle child just so we both could survive. My eldest brother always held a grudge towards me and I never knew why. But because I had no father, no one to look up to, I looked up to the one who hated me most. I took care of my youngest sister. She was the youngest sibling and I always looked out for her.

Fast forward to when I started my first year in elementary. I met my father for the first time where he took me to the other side of the country to live with him. My father had to work a lot to provide for us. So he was always gone, which left me with a lady who would be considered my baby sitter. She was the most cruellest lady I have ever made contact with. She would do things to me and only me. I told my father but he didn’t believe me. So I lost all hope. I had tried to run away several times, but that never went well. So I just stopped running and just go through it all.

A few years later I went back to my mothers and lived with her again. I never really told my mother or anyone else of the events. My mother was becoming more caring as she aged and I can now say she is a great mother now, but I have not seen her in a long time.

I just continued my life not feeling, not understanding. I isolated myself from all social interactions (including my own family). I only saw others as monsters. I never seen any good in another person. It wasn’t until the end of my years in elementary I met a girl who I had fell in love with, but I had no understanding of what I felt. It wasn’t until it was too late that I understood that I felt love for the first time. But this made me aware that maybe there is good in this world. But I lacked social skills. So I spent a great amount of my time trying to understand socializing.

My first year of high school was frightening. There were so many people and yet none of them knew me, or were my friend. I was alone and depressed. I will admit that when I lost that girl I had first fell in love with I never believed love would come again. But it wasn’t until my second year of high school I fell in love for the second time. But this wasn’t the same as the girl. I was confused. I fell in love with a guy and yet I am not homosexual (though I do not have anything against homosexuality). But it really struck me, love is more than just finding a girl to marry. No, love was much more complicated.

I guess if I can become close friends with him, I will feel loved. We are friends now, but not close friends. I just wish there was some kind of manual or instruction book that just told me what I needed to do.

They say you don’t love until you have been given love. I’ve always thought, maybe someone loved me before but I have not seen it.

I’m just having so much trouble understanding, I’m in a mess here.

I don’t know what else to say so I’m going to end here.