Dear lavender27:
What you are describing here is a serious, long term childhood trauma, injury to your person. Healing of such ongoing trauma can not possibly in my view be anything but a long process. It is not possible to just change your thoughts and move on. No easy fixes. Embarking on the process of healing is a choice you may have already made, maybe you need to choose it again, with more commitment?

You describe your childhood and current situation in a no BS way, just as it was and is. I like that you do. It means to me that you are not as foggy as you could have been. You have some clarity. You wrote that you are tired of pretending. Well, you are not pretending in your post. It may be a good start in an ongoing process of healing: to no longer pretend.

What do you think of starting or re-starting your process of healing? How about a plan? One step at a time (some step along the way would be having no contact with the parents you were so unfortunate to be born to/ those who injured and continue to injure you)?
anita