Dear Nicole:
I agree with your theme: “It’s hard to come to terms with something that you really have no idea what the actual truth is. I have no idea what I’m coming to terms with!”

What was real? What was fantasy? Because of the complications of the human nature, the first thought in my mind is AND. He is probably this AND that, not this OR that. Same for you.

He seemed so sincere when he told you this and then he seemed as sincere as he told you something contradictory. Let’s say he told you: ‘You are so very pretty.” And later: ‘You are so very ugly!’ When he says the first, in this example, he may be feeling amorous at the moment and sincere. When he says later the second, he may be feeling angry at you, wanting to hurt you and very sincere in his desire to hurt you. What is the truth? Are you pretty or ugly? If it is up to him, then it depends and you better not make him angry…

He wants you and he wants someone else. He loves you and he hates you. Are you desirable or undesirable? If it depends on him, well it depends on him, and you better make yourself desirable…

Here is my shot at your truth, and i will give it a shot as a mental exercise on my part- for you to ponder if you wish, for you to accept, reject or anything in between. Actually, I may be in a better position to know the truth of your relationship even though it is just this post I am responding to versus your last four years. And not because I am more intelligent than you, not at all. Only because when I have been so involved in my situation so to see only a particular branch of a tree and not the whole forest, not even a whole tree, I have had such a huge blind spot, that anyone from the outside could see the blind spot.

The TRUTH…: The man you were involved with was unreliable, unstable, not well. Whatever his mental dynamics- those were not healthy. His feelings changed and he automatically reacted to his feelings so his behavior was as contradictory as his changing feelings. You identified with his feelings and took yourself on a crazy ride.

When he cheated on you- it was not about you but you distortedly thought it was about you and when he wanted you back, you distortedly thought it was about you. The TRUTH is- his behavior was not about you. You took a ride into his brain and thought you were having a relationship.

You got off the ride and … looking what you rode, aren’t you glad you are off?

anita