Hi Gen,

I’ve never posted or replied on Tiny Buddha before either, but I’m glad I felt so compelled to read your post since its pretty much what I’m going through. What’s funny is, I was gonna post something similar a few months ago, but I’ve learned a lot since then and hope I can help you a bit too.

I’m also a writer, who at 25 has just realized how much creativity is my calling and not just a hobby. I’ve been depressed since high school. I loved music, dance, and especially writing but couldn’t find the heart or motivation to keep pursuing it for fear of getting my hopes up and just failing. I’m also a perfectionist, and its terrifying to think there is even a slight chance that something I love and feel so deeply would turn out terribly wrong at my very own hands. So instead, I put my energy into working extremely hard…at things I didn’t care to fail at. What’s worse was, I ended up excelling at them.

I actually pursued journalism, which I know gave me some sort of writing chops but didn’t satisfy my need for depth of emotion and creativity. I got great internships, on campus leadership roles, and a group of well meaning but slightly arrogant friends. My friends were also creative, but somewhat snobby about it, if that makes sense. I’m a bit abstract in my tastes; for example, I’d like this really obscure painting or poem and if they couldn’t easily intellectualize it as cubism or lyrical or something they wouldn’t consider it meaningful. I felt like expressing myself freely was never gonna be possible, and although their way wasn’t wrong, I just didn’t like being creative around my friends because I was a bit weird and “unfocused” to them. I ended up with bad writer’s block after graduating, it was like battle with my own mind. So I stopped writing, and I got a job with a nonprofit. Eventually, I got depressed again. I thought it was just stress and I was having trouble adjusting to this new “adult” lifestyle. But about a year in, I became the most anxious and depressed that I had ever been. The org had a great purpose, but these micro-managers (yes, they exist in the nonprofit world too) kept pushing me to complete tasks in somewhat unethical ways just so they could qualify for grants so they could get paid and do the whole thing over again. So I thought changing organizations would help and I did that, about 3 times. I realized that the structure of the 9-5 job was really getting to me. I have discipline, but I really wanted to daydream more. I wanted to create ideas. I didn’t know if that meant I was just being lazy or just..weak. I felt no one took me seriously, I felt guilty, like it meant that I was being selfish because 9-5 was hard for me. But in the end, I finally got fed up, started freelancing instead, and had time to think for myself.

That time (about 5 months) was what I truly needed. I think you might be a strong empath like me, as I get very sensitive to others’ opinions too. The hard part for me isn’t so much not believing their opinions, but just remembering to listen to my own inner voice and taking their comments with a grain of salt. As a social person, its hard to take time out for yourself without feeling guilty. But it helped me recharge, calm down, and listen to my own needs. I told my closer friends I was having a hard time with depression and needed a bit of space, and the good ones understood. I finally had time to be passionate about my arts again, just for me. I wrote terrible things, was really bad at painting, sucked at the guitar, and LOVED it because no one was really there to tell me I was terrible and I was motivated to actually IMPROVE. I had no one around to compare myself to. You eventually do need the push of constructive criticism, but you can’t even get there if you don’t find the passion again. I spent days doing yoga, running, listening and playing more music…and also, separating myself from the friends who drained me and were too overbearing. I don’t know how this will play into your life schedule, but I suggest you take some much deserved time out for yourself and just listen to you. Realize the people who may be energy vampires sucking the life out of you, and separate them from the people who are more openminded and motivating you to reach your true potential. Also – write it out. Journal. Practice listening to yourself. You should know why you’re feeling a certain way, and make time towards help yourself find passion for life in general again with more energizing, positive activities.

I think I understand what caused your internal “intuition vs. fear” debate. You’re obviously very bright and a hard worker who is also quite empathetic, which is why you care so much about others’ opinions. So, you’re gonna have the ability to keep working and advancing towards something, whether or not you actually see it as your calling. But just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you have to for the rest of your life. Most people have a few things they wouldn’t mind pursuing in their life. They may get a bit confused, but they make time for it whether it becomes a 40hrs/wk sort of thing or a weekend thing. I suggest you try writing and drawing more, in a space where you can be more alone to express you freely. If you find yourself perfectionist or impatient with your progress, take a time out. Maybe even go in saying “I’ll make something completely terrible today.” Everything you make afterwards will just seem loads better. Self-esteem booster 😉 Keep your end goals in mind, like maybe becoming a blogger/traveler, but remember to keep your more immediate goals more at focus, or else you’ll just keep focusing on what you haven’t achieved yet. Think of “I’ll write these many posts a week and learn to edit my writing” instead of “I have to be a popular blogger by this age”. Also, think about the people you’re surrounding yourself with. Find more positive minds to read about or engage with if you can. Shoot, I’d like an update on your progress as well 🙂

Now that I’ve taken my time out to re-center myself, I’m actually open to a 9-5 job again, possibly in a more creative atmosphere like a museum or artsy organization to keep me financially stable while building the creative career I want on my time. With that said, I’m making sure to apply the stress management skills I’ve learned and adjust accordingly if I find it still being harmful to my health. I’m really excited to keep my passions alive and eventually, create full time.

If you end up making a career switch, remember that all your experience – the high, the lows, the depressing – is just more material for creating things that people can relate to. Your old jobs were not done in vain. Think you don’t have skills or training? Well, you have life experience. You have emotional intelligence. Just add a little structure, time, and effort — you’ll be on your way. Good luck with whatever you decide. Please make time to listen to your needs and I think it’ll become clearer from there.