Dear CT

Thank you for your reply. I’m sorry that you too are having to go through a break up. I’m 21 and this was the first long term relationship I had been in. I’m still not sure who ‘me’ really is, because while I was with him, I was also really thinking of self improvement eg getting fitter, becoming a better cook but I guess all those things where with him in mind.. He was my motivation, strangely I wanted to make him proud maybe.

You are right, I don’t know what I would achieve by telling him I know. It would definitely hurt to tell him and for him to completely not care. I would want to wait for a very long time so that if he did react coldly, I wouldn’t be as affected. I think to me it’s almost an injustice that he thinks he got away with it but maybe I still have a bitterness toward the actual cheating.

I have spoken to the new person in my life and he too feels anxiety over where my head may be at. I am being as honest as possible with him. It’s hard to explain but when I found out the truth, I just wanted to meet new people. So I threw myself out there and started trying to date but I was trying to be honest with myself, not forcing myself on someone. I was finding that I wasn’t clicking nor felt comfortable with the people I met. When I met this new person, there was just a sense of ease. We talked about mindfulness the first time we met I had felt a lightness with him. So I went with it, it feels natural right now. I’m not sure how it will turn out, nightmares of my ex cheating to still come but not so much how I miss him. Perhaps because I lost respect for him.

As you say, I do still feel like a yo yo in terms of emotion.