I spoke to him today and he has told me he wants to get help and fix himself. He wants to go back to marriage counsellor on his own and fix how he is dealing with his anger and lash outs to me. He said he wants to do it for himself and hopefully can find himself again and by fixing the underlying issue with him he hopes it fixes the marriage and can’t promise that it will by hope it does as he is the problem.
I find it hard to believe him as he has told me he is sorry so many times and would do anything to save this marriage and then when he gets angry we go back to square one!
He is one of those men that don’t like to deal with their emotions and rather mask them than have to face them and that is what has got us here in the first place. So it is a big step that he has finally admitted he needs help from someone as he is broke.
The mid life crisis on being in a very stressful job is what led him to broke and he told me he switched a part of himself off as if he didn’t he would of lost the plot and he doesn’t think he has turned that part back on again and he doesn’t want to be a cold, heartless, hurtful person and wants to be his old self again and thinks it is still in him.
He can’t promise anything as he has done that before and he doesn’t have the answers and understand if I don’t want the marriage no more because of what he has done to us and me.
I’m not sure whether to live separate lives and let him deal with his issue and heal on his own and take time out from the marriage as I don’t want to be “sucked” into false hopes again and feel this is a time for me to make a stance and a change for good as I don’t think he ever feels I would leave him and end the marriage once and for all.
Apart of what added to our distance in our marriage was 2 years ago I had enough and I told him I was done and we lived separate lives for 3 months and it added more resentment on both sides.
He says he doesn’t want to lose me but I am finding it hard to believe his words as in the past is actions spoke louder than his words and when I feel we are finally on the mend and moving forward he pulls the rug right out from under my feet.
We have wasted so much time in the last 3 years, not talking, living in separate bedrooms and arguing I don’t want to wast anymore time but I want to protect myself from getting hurt again and want to break this cycle that I have been in for 3 years once and for all.
I am trying to focus on me and finding a job again but I feel like I can’t cope in a job at the moment as I am on a constant emotional rollercoaster.
My career has suffered in this time and all I want is to be in a great job once again as I made a career change a few years back and haven’t found my success in the new career as yet as have come over so many obstacles which has stopped me from reaching my goals.
My main focus is to be myself again, in a good job that I love and enjoy, earning good money once again and being in a happy work environment with great people and feel independent once again and fell like I have my own life again meeting potential new friends.