Dear Lily:

I am not surprised you didn’t seer it this way because when we are children we don’t see what is too threatening to see. Children often do not see their parents as they are, and as a result we, children (and adult children) do not see us as we are.

I am glad you don’t have contact with your mother anymore. I don’t have contact with mine either. That makes you and i rare as most adult children have contact with their mothers … no matter how abusive the mother was.

As children we develop, our mind develops as we interact with the mother (main caretaker), not separately. So without healing from abusive interactions, we remain a certain way not knowing there can be another way, or ways.

I think that it can be useful for you to gain more insight into the relationship that was between you and your mother so to free some (what I call) knots in the brain that are causing your distress and lack of contentment. See, having had a relationship with a “perfect” mother had to make you Imperfect all the time. If she had to be perfect all the time, it means that whenever there was a disagreement, a conflict of any kind, she had to be Right and you had to be Wrong. This kind of relationship leaves a very bad taste in one’s mouth as to what relationships are about. If this is how it is to have a relationship, then a relationship is not something positive or comforting… or loving. Not with a friend and not with a partner. So no wonder you are not inclined for such.

What do you think, Forum Friend?

anita