Dear Lily:

It is a social taboo to have no contact with one’s mother. I am very familiar with it. In this regard, you and I are rebels.

Regarding what is socially acceptable: it used to be acceptable for a parent to kill their children with no legal consequences. It was socially acceptable.Parents still get lots of freedom to severely damage their children, for life, with no legal consequences, so progress still needs to be made in what is acceptable and what is not.

How to forge meaningful, positive, loving, helpful relationship after … well, having no experience with such, is the question? A good one. I would say: look at the small interactions you do presently have with people, including here, on this thread. Learn from those and over time you get the very experience you need, starting small.

You look at the interactions you do have and pay attention: the interaction needs to be a Win-Win proposition. There needs to be something positive in it for you and for him/ her. It needs not be a Lose-Win, that is the other person is getting what he needs (be it a temporary relief of some kind), and you are compromising yourself, Losing. Interactions need to be such where you are authentically you, not compromised.

So here and elsewhere, stand up for yourself in any which way possible, indicate who you are, what you think, what you feel, want, need- state it unabashedly, at least for a moment: do it here and wait for my response.

I will not tell you that you are wrong. I will not dismiss what you say, minimize or deny it, but take it in respectfully. If you assert yourself, I will respect your assertion. As these things happen, you get to have the experience you need to proceed with in-person, more elaborate relationships.

So, will you tell me things you are not inclined to tell for fear of disapproval? Things that are authentic to you?

anita