anita,

That’s an interesting point you are touching on. I’m curious if you sense that the issue lies in my judgement of the part of me that feels sorry for myself. Does that same part of me judge my inner child?

I definitely tend to be hard on myself and I do struggle with perfectionism. The judgement I level against myself might be another form of perfectionism where I don’t want to feel hurt, weak, or vulnerable.

The more I think about this as I’m writing this post is that, yes, I am very critical of myself. I judge myself for what I feel was my part in losing my partner, I judge myself for not being able to get over it and find someone else, and I judge myself for not being in a career path where I can have more stability in my life. I can certainly see how the part of me that is judgmental is very resistant to letting myself be vulnerable in any way.

My emotional side is reacting to what I’m saying so I’m going to go ahead and say that this is an accurate statement of what’s going on.

My rational side has helped me get to places I never would have dreamed of going. Yet, in each place I find myself critical of my situation and what I’m doing there. Perhaps letting go of excessive criticism is what will help bring out the voice of the inner child.

I appreciate what you said about rewiring the brain. I’m hoping that a dedicated effort with different types of exposure therapy will help me think differently about myself. In the meantime, here’s another attempt at letting my inner child speak:

I want to be more carefree. I want to stop questioning everything I do. I want to be able to just be. I want to trust myself and I want to love myself. I want to enjoy who I am.

DH