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I did have a good relationship with my older sister growing up, who sort of took the parental role. My hesitation in saying it’s because of my mother lays in that, and knowing her upbringing and mental health difficulties. I’m not upset or hurt nearly as much as I used to be. When I had distance and time to think I realized it wasn’t anyone’s fault, because she didn’t want to hurt anyone. She was hurting herself and it would come out as anger.
It could be lingering pain from my experience growing up, but I’ve never been bothered by feeling like I don’t belong in my family or a specific group. I just feel alien in the world, and in the culture. I have a difficult time talking to most people I meet, and usually when I do begin talking with someone they grow bored quickly. This has followed me my entire life, even after working with people and being forced from my comfort zone. My mother did cause some issues, but she’s not everything wrong in my life. It feels unfair to blame someone who doesn’t know how to love others because she hates herself.
Absolutely. She was very clear about her disinterest in me and would often tell me she wish she’d never had children, sometimes pointed directly at me, other times not. She wasn’t afraid to hide how she felt.
When I said communication wasn’t there, I meant more that as I came into my teens she wouldn’t speak to me at all. There would be long bouts of her pretending I didn’t exist with short breaks of criticism. The feeling of not belonging, at least currently, lies in the difference of values I often seem to experience within society. I don’t value many things that people rave about, and I’m not sure if it’s a problem with me or not.
You do, however, touch on the lingering feelings of self doubt I experience, which are from family as well as outside problems.
Most of my problems with my mom boiled down to her alcoholism and neglect when I was young. As I grew older she stopped drinking, but would continue to neglect and bully me. Communication wasn’t there. Things just progressively became worse until I couldn’t speak to her any longer, for my own safety.
I’ve made some progress but it is still difficult for me. I had a line of thinking in which communicating in that way was victimizing myself, I didn’t want to play the pity party in a sense. Quite often I find myself regressing back to that thought process.
I like to think I have a level of respect for all creatures, even if they’re not exactly one I want near me. I do enjoy nature and try to get out, but am in a point in my life where finding time to enjoy myself is sparse, to say the least.
I’ve had many options put forth for me, but I can’t seem to stick with anything. I’m not sure if it’s impatience or I just don’t have faith in anything working. Either way, it’s definitely something I need to work on.
I suppose by hereditary I meant more of the pattern that runs in my family, in both sides as far I’ve seen. Two of my three siblings show similar behaviour, whereas my other brother and I tend to isolate when we’re not sure how to manage our emotions. Subconsciously I know it’s not the best way to manage my emotions and stress but I prefer it over taking it out on others. Have you ever had a similar problem, difficulty communicating your thoughts and feelings? Even when you want to?
Well, it’s more of a hereditary problem. My mother in particular struggles with her mental health, and when she’s depressed or stressed she’ll become rather volatile. I’ve seen it in myself – not to the same extent but it’s there – and fear it will become worse. I have difficulty releasing my emotions, I don’t know how to do so in a way that works for me, and become overwhelmed by small things.
Although I don’t have an aggressive attitude, when those emotions fester I isolate and overthink, which only drags me further into the pit. It becomes far more difficult to talk to people – even those I’m closest with – and occasionally leads to unhealthy coping strategies. Any anger or frustration I do feel is pointed toward myself or toward something which I feel needs change, despite knowing that anger is not the way to positive change.
Yes, I’ve thought before that may be why I feel the way I do. About not belonging, and wanting to be better. It’s very often one or the other, as you stated.
But, as Zeeza mentioned, it helps greatly knowing there are kind and thoughtful people in the world. The trouble lies in seeing those individuals through the cruelty, as it is what draws the most attention. I wonder, as well, if that pull manifests in increased negativity. There’s only so much an individual can hold before they cave and fall.
Part of me fears that eventuality in myself. I don’t want to hurt others.
Thank you. I really want to believe there’s hope but the history of humanity is a very scarred one, when change comes it indeed comes very slowly.
What I need to learn I suppose is to have that hope. I’m just wary of being let down time and time again.