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pete

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  • #331759

    pete
    Participant

    Thanks Anita.

     

    I’m not into life coaches, the friend of mine this thread is about gave me a free sit in with 1 a year ago and it was boring and not my kinda thing. I need to try a float tank 1 day and see if that type of therapy is for me instead. I don’t meet new people unless it’s at my job which makes me talk a LOT, I just play video games and try and forget. I did use tinder and bumble before, but kept getting flaked and CBA for people like that. I get big anxiety so meeting new people feels like a no go to me.

    #330957

    pete
    Participant

    Hey Missy, I hope you meet up soon and the chemistry is undeniable and you both have a great journey together. šŸ™‚

     

    As for the running away part. I just decide I rather stick around unless I am forced with no other choice, like her keep telling me she’s busy and we never meet up but she still meets up with her friends and neighbour without question. I wont have no regrets, I regret sticking around where I am constantly getting mixed signals and it’s pretty obvious her man does not want her near me because she never makes time for me anymore unlike her other friends and she has pushed away the friendship over time but she STILL says yes to talking on the phone and has only said no a few times (sad and family visiting), but sometimes I get hopeful but not nearly as much as I used to. I will get hurt butĀ  ahwell, I rather experience something amazing rather then not experience anything at all so the pain is worth it.

     

    Still feeling suicidal, just not as much as I used to and I rather not talk to people about those thoughts. My mind goes deep and into the trenches.

    #330555

    pete
    Participant

    Happy new year, hope 2020 is an awesome year for you. I’ll tell you what happens in Feb.

    #330125

    pete
    Participant

    The call did nothing for me, no feelings to talk about but it could be because of my depression. I typed what I wanted to say in notepad and said “Before you go can I read something I wrote for you?”, she said “Sure”, then I said “You know me, when I wanna talk about something my mind goes blank so I gotta write it down”, after that I just said what I wrote down, not word for word but off the top of my head so it did not sound like I was reading something.

     

    As for my “way of words”, I just say what goes on in my head. I think she said the call was way too short was because she was taking a break from helping build small yurt I told you they are making. This will also be the first time she’s ever been out of the country and she’s really excited. IF I decided to call her and we talk about her 2 trips i’ll try asking for a coffee just down the street, if she says no maybe I wont say goodbye, i’ll just block her.

    #330011

    pete
    Participant

    Needing someone to hang out with, needing someone who wants me around in their life that sort of thing.

     

    Also just needing/wanting me period. But I ain’t gonna do anything to make things weird for them as much as I want things to go back to the way they used to be between us.

    #330001

    pete
    Participant

    I could not do it AGAIN! >:(

     

    Short callĀ  (15 min), she was doing work with her guy. Told her before we got off the phone that if the darkness takes over that I hope her light shines so bright and leads her in the right direction and that years ago she was my light in my darkness and a reason for me to keep going when I was going through my dark time and that I hope she follows her happiness wherever it leads her and to not let anyone change who you are, not family/boyfriend/friends/strangers and I hope she has an amazing life journey and hope her and the guy are always there for eachother getting through everything together and to keep growing as a person and never stop and to always be successful in everything she does and of course to be free. Also that I wish her the best.

     

    She kept saying “thank you” and was fighting back the tears you can tell and that we need a much longer call soon, that she did not like how short the call was. She’s gone to her family next week for a full week, then off to Florida to visit her boyfriends family for a few weeks and told me to call in Feb and she will tell me all about it. She said I am “such aĀ  good friend” and that she also feels bad she rarely sees me or talks to me, same with her daughters.Ā  But she’s doing her own thing now she told me and she’s happy she’s been losing her ex boyfriend and his crazy sister from her life and moving on. Also told me “you’ve been paying attention” when I told her how many days a week she works in her city.Ā  She also said “what you told me I also wish all that for you too, I really want you to be happy too”.

     

    But the thing is…I FAILED!!!! AGAIN!!! I’ll never get rid of her so I can be free, i’ll always be tormented.

    #328775

    pete
    Participant

    Yes looks about right. She was the light in my darkness so in a way it was like an angel but I can live without her love.

     

    I also wonder if it’s a wise choice to just end things for good, we have known each other so long. Perhaps I just need to tell her I am disappearing for a long while and when I am ready to come back I will reach out again. Then just block her and try and do other things and maybe one day many years later give it a retry and see if things, but obviously still tell her about her being my light in my darkness. If she says she hopes it’s short, i’ll just tell her it will be many many years.

     

    The only thing is, what if she’s having a bad time recently? I can’t exactly tell her “Yo we can’t be friends anymore, sorry”.

    #328747

    pete
    Participant

    I have barely been able to sleep for over a week, even when I sleep I am not sure I even sleep. I feel so drained, depressed, even at work I get teary eyed quite often and then again at home and I feel like I am losing myself and I can’t stop getting her out of my mind…sometimes I think I don’t want to let her go!!! other times I tell myself I have to, she doesn’t care that much about me which is why she has been distancing the friendship since that guy…I can’t stop thinking about the times we were close and how easy it was for her to throw it away.

     

    What is this? a broken heart? it feels so bad! people at work are starting to ask if everything is ok with me and how pale and completly wiped I look. I just tell them IĀ  am tired. But my head spins and I feel dizzy and I feel my darkness is coming back and I am worthless and everyone is better off without me.

    #328271

    pete
    Participant

    Not really, she’s got annoyed a few times but that’s it. She did say sheĀ  was angry that her transgendered friend ended the friendship due to his feelings for her, told me she did not think my feelings for her were that bad enough to end the friendship over and rather have them tell their feelings to her. I just told her my feelings for her started coming back when I heard she got a boyfriend and she kept saying she was really flattered, that was the end of it. I have no idea how she will react to THIS! Probably happy, she has been distancing the friendship and once it’s over she can not worry about me anymore.

    #328221

    pete
    Participant

    React to cutting contact for good.

    #328177

    pete
    Participant

    Yeah I probably would stop having the feelings. It would be like when we got really close and all of a sudden the feelings dropped and I would easily go months and months of no contact (disappearing she calls it but I just chased that closeness feeling and always have), but I am sure I would be fine if she iniated the phone conversations herself but as I said to her I want her to be free, in every sense of the word and I don’t wanna control her or how she interacts with me. She has to want it like I want it. If we both talked a few times a month and both called because we wanted to talk and text more often in the mornings (I liked it, got me through the day even if it was short but I was happy for a while). I can’t exactly hang out 1 time a month if she lives so far away, but it’s been almost 5 months and she just keeps saying “busy” yet hangs around other friends she never sees and says she doesn’t get out a whole lot but she works a few blocks from me, just means she doesn’t wanna hang out anymore but she can’t say it for some reason. I also needed to get my license which I never did, can’t always have her driving here on her days off when she lives an hour away.

     

    She already knows I used to like her, but not for how long…thinks it’s when we started talking on the phone again late last year and kept saying how flattered she is I felt that way (which is just a nice way of saying I was never into you that way). Yeah…this goes far back. I wonder how she will react? you seem to know how she responds to things well, you thinnk she will be angry or anything?

    #328069

    pete
    Participant

    Yeah those are correct. I wont text her this, I am not that cowardly and I did open up and request a break from the friendship over the phone. I may have a problem opening up but I would be honest with her on the phone. I’ll just let her know that when she helped me to the doctors that in my darkness she was the light of hope I saw and I clung to it hard and got infatuated and the feelings went away and came back over the years, then about the friendship thing and then the “not good enough” part.

     

    I think she will be fine with all of this tbh. What I don’t understand is what happened between the end of 2017 and the end of 2018? She phoned me a few times because she had nobody else to talk to and was having a bad day, one was because her ferret was acting up and had to be put down (that’s one of the $1,000 I loaned her), the other I can’t remember why she was havingĀ  a bad day? but that was the last time she called me because she wanted to. It’s been 2 years lol! From Jan 2018 to April 2018 we did not text once, a 4 month break! never really thought about messaging her, but she messaged me or I would have went much longer. Then something at work happenedĀ  andĀ  I freaked out! told her all about it and we had a coffee and a walk to the bench grabbing and poking my legs andĀ  arms showing her teqniques on me, then weĀ  sat next to eachother on a log at the beach watching the ocean and talking, then sat next to eachother at the water and tapping ourselves and she made me say “I love myself” which I struggled with and did not mean it (she knew). Then we walked back and threw leaves on eachother and a guy walking his dog smiled and nodded his head and I asked if we can hang out more, she really wanted to and was going to invite me to events with her.

     

    Then we got really close again just like that 1 summer and took off, she even put makeup on before meeting me and told me all about that “psychic” story, then she wanted to know about the life coach stuff what happened and really wanted to connect with me that 1 day, it was BEAUTIFUL! At the time I was thinking the most amazing person I know wants to connect with me for a coffee and really wants to know my news.

     

    Then a new guy enters the picture and now here we are, on the brink of ending things for good although she doesn’t know yet but is normally always down to talk on the phone, but only at my request. I guess I should not be sad it’s ending but happy it happened. The phone calls are not what they used to be like though but now I can’t stand waiting a month before wanting to call her, I wanna call her every week or 2 and talk but limit myself to 1 per month.

     

     

    WTF????????

    #327795

    pete
    Participant

    I’ll probably disappear for a while, but do you think I should also tell her why I am leaving? like tell her I just really really like her and have for years? and my mental problems just make things worse and I am looking for more reciprocal friendships but that I can’t ask her to recipricate, she has to do it because she wants to? and since her man I feel like she’s been distancing the friendship and I don’t wanna be “that guy” that comes between them and her happiness or anything plus I would never try and pursue her because I feel like she deserves better then me but maybe that’s just me putting her on the pedistal, and the more closer I feel to her the less I feel for her, or if I lose that feeling I get a little clingy trying to get it back. Also that I keep thinking fondly that 1 summer and those several months since Oct last year until the last time we hung out for a hike before her man. That maybe I will reach out many many years when we are much older and try and start over again. If she tells me not to leave and wants me to stay, I will probably tell her “please let me go”. She’s not happy when friends leave because of “feelings” getting in the way, wants them to share their feelings with her because what it does to the persons body inside them.

     

    She was mad when a “they” she was friends with told her he/she can’t be friends anymore because he hadĀ  feelings for her, but there was more too…like he/she saying “Oh, our type does not interest you?” and he/she was coming back to the friendship when the feelings went away and he/she can be a true friend.

    #327699

    pete
    Participant

    I don’t think I will be posting in here anymore, too much of a reminder of her.

    #327691

    pete
    Participant

    Another long one haha. I’ll respond sometime soon to it, but she did not respond to my question, so I asked if everything is ok? today at my time she always responds to (between 8-9AM) and she said oh yes and thanks for the invite and she’s not sure her schedule yet but maybe the after party, but I said there is none I was just gonna ask if anyone wants to do something after, did not find out about the hockey game time until after so maybe another time. Then she said yeah and to let her know if there is a casual get together sometime and to have a nice day.

     

    Basically what I plan on doing is talking to her about the updates, ask about her crazy ex boyfriends sister if they still talk, about what her life was like growing up, then telling her once again I wish nothing but to see her happy, healthy, free,Ā  succeed in everything she does, thanks for being in my lifeĀ  all these years,Ā  that from this point on all I want is beautiful moments for her and to wish her well on her life journey and then hang up and block her. I have to block her, I can’t keep dealing with these emotions and dealing with a non reciprocal friend that I just wanna spend time with that doesn’t wanna spend time with me. I want what I want and that’s it. I wont make some dramatic goodbye scene, who knows we may pick things off 10 or 20 years from now and I can tell her why I left but she will know that atleast I cared about her well being deeply.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 407 total)