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Well I am gonna try moving on. She’s off my phone now, if something ever happens I’ll let you know. If not thanks for listening all these years. 🙂 But I planned this being the last time we hung out, called, text. I am really tired of doing all the work and I just wanna move on, it was great seeing her today but I don’t wanna continue things, it’s just gonna be a repeat of things everytime and I will just keep wishing things were different.
Oh right and she said “I am better at reading people and knowing if they want to talk or not interested in talking to me”. She was on her phone a lot too messaging clients. I guess I now know when she takes a day or a day and a half to respond to me she just doesn’t want to.
Naw it was 10PM when we did. Anyway we hung out for a few hours talking at the coffee shop about her, the trip, how her and her man are doing. Asked how her life was growing up, she asked the same after.
We talked about energy, how she wants to learn more about crystals and the tension in her body is getting better and better now after YEARS maybe decades? of lots of tension in her. Talked about her trip how it went, she enjoyed herself, what she did. I asked how her and her man are doing? she said they are doing much better now, he came off the honeymoon phase and felt not as close to her but she stayed on it and was sad thinking things were coming to an end, but they worked through it. Showed me several pics of them together and showed me a pic she felt the most happy ever about being loved, being with her man, all of her friends…asked how they met again what happened and when she left the first time felt like she would never see him again, felt a big loss and many months later they talked on facebook, had a coffee and been together since.
Apparently he felt a MUCH greater loss thinking he wont see her ever again. She likes his kind energy, says it’s exactly like my kind energy and a genuine energy. Also a bunch of other stuff, I told her I wish them both happiness together. Also that maybe that first day we went hiking when she told me about the phychic that told her the reading how perhaps the reading was about this guy? she thinks it was now that I mentioned it.
We head back and I asked how her life was growing up, she asked me the same thing and I walked home and she went to her car and that’s it. Oh I asked if we can do that long hike in the summer and she said yes, I said maybe you could bring your boyfriend? she said sure. Also when I asked about if she could read my energy I said I feel more nervous energy unless I am at work where I am not nervous. Also that her guy is happy to not be in a relationship where it’s based off sex and it can go just by feelings. Told her I think about sex often, she said “yeah that’s normal for guys”, which is true.
Not much has happened but we are meeting up for a coffee today (Monday), i’ll meet her at her work down the road from me and walk her to a cafe down the road. Just talked to her on the phone for a minute to confirm.
I’m not into life coaches, the friend of mine this thread is about gave me a free sit in with 1 a year ago and it was boring and not my kinda thing. I need to try a float tank 1 day and see if that type of therapy is for me instead. I don’t meet new people unless it’s at my job which makes me talk a LOT, I just play video games and try and forget. I did use tinder and bumble before, but kept getting flaked and CBA for people like that. I get big anxiety so meeting new people feels like a no go to me.
Hey Missy, I hope you meet up soon and the chemistry is undeniable and you both have a great journey together. 🙂
As for the running away part. I just decide I rather stick around unless I am forced with no other choice, like her keep telling me she’s busy and we never meet up but she still meets up with her friends and neighbour without question. I wont have no regrets, I regret sticking around where I am constantly getting mixed signals and it’s pretty obvious her man does not want her near me because she never makes time for me anymore unlike her other friends and she has pushed away the friendship over time but she STILL says yes to talking on the phone and has only said no a few times (sad and family visiting), but sometimes I get hopeful but not nearly as much as I used to. I will get hurt but ahwell, I rather experience something amazing rather then not experience anything at all so the pain is worth it.
Still feeling suicidal, just not as much as I used to and I rather not talk to people about those thoughts. My mind goes deep and into the trenches.
Happy new year, hope 2020 is an awesome year for you. I’ll tell you what happens in Feb.
The call did nothing for me, no feelings to talk about but it could be because of my depression. I typed what I wanted to say in notepad and said “Before you go can I read something I wrote for you?”, she said “Sure”, then I said “You know me, when I wanna talk about something my mind goes blank so I gotta write it down”, after that I just said what I wrote down, not word for word but off the top of my head so it did not sound like I was reading something.
As for my “way of words”, I just say what goes on in my head. I think she said the call was way too short was because she was taking a break from helping build small yurt I told you they are making. This will also be the first time she’s ever been out of the country and she’s really excited. IF I decided to call her and we talk about her 2 trips i’ll try asking for a coffee just down the street, if she says no maybe I wont say goodbye, i’ll just block her.
Needing someone to hang out with, needing someone who wants me around in their life that sort of thing.
Also just needing/wanting me period. But I ain’t gonna do anything to make things weird for them as much as I want things to go back to the way they used to be between us.
I could not do it AGAIN! >:(
Short call (15 min), she was doing work with her guy. Told her before we got off the phone that if the darkness takes over that I hope her light shines so bright and leads her in the right direction and that years ago she was my light in my darkness and a reason for me to keep going when I was going through my dark time and that I hope she follows her happiness wherever it leads her and to not let anyone change who you are, not family/boyfriend/friends/strangers and I hope she has an amazing life journey and hope her and the guy are always there for eachother getting through everything together and to keep growing as a person and never stop and to always be successful in everything she does and of course to be free. Also that I wish her the best.
She kept saying “thank you” and was fighting back the tears you can tell and that we need a much longer call soon, that she did not like how short the call was. She’s gone to her family next week for a full week, then off to Florida to visit her boyfriends family for a few weeks and told me to call in Feb and she will tell me all about it. She said I am “such a good friend” and that she also feels bad she rarely sees me or talks to me, same with her daughters. But she’s doing her own thing now she told me and she’s happy she’s been losing her ex boyfriend and his crazy sister from her life and moving on. Also told me “you’ve been paying attention” when I told her how many days a week she works in her city. She also said “what you told me I also wish all that for you too, I really want you to be happy too”.
But the thing is…I FAILED!!!! AGAIN!!! I’ll never get rid of her so I can be free, i’ll always be tormented.
Yes looks about right. She was the light in my darkness so in a way it was like an angel but I can live without her love.
I also wonder if it’s a wise choice to just end things for good, we have known each other so long. Perhaps I just need to tell her I am disappearing for a long while and when I am ready to come back I will reach out again. Then just block her and try and do other things and maybe one day many years later give it a retry and see if things, but obviously still tell her about her being my light in my darkness. If she says she hopes it’s short, i’ll just tell her it will be many many years.
The only thing is, what if she’s having a bad time recently? I can’t exactly tell her “Yo we can’t be friends anymore, sorry”.
I have barely been able to sleep for over a week, even when I sleep I am not sure I even sleep. I feel so drained, depressed, even at work I get teary eyed quite often and then again at home and I feel like I am losing myself and I can’t stop getting her out of my mind…sometimes I think I don’t want to let her go!!! other times I tell myself I have to, she doesn’t care that much about me which is why she has been distancing the friendship since that guy…I can’t stop thinking about the times we were close and how easy it was for her to throw it away.
What is this? a broken heart? it feels so bad! people at work are starting to ask if everything is ok with me and how pale and completly wiped I look. I just tell them I am tired. But my head spins and I feel dizzy and I feel my darkness is coming back and I am worthless and everyone is better off without me.
Not really, she’s got annoyed a few times but that’s it. She did say she was angry that her transgendered friend ended the friendship due to his feelings for her, told me she did not think my feelings for her were that bad enough to end the friendship over and rather have them tell their feelings to her. I just told her my feelings for her started coming back when I heard she got a boyfriend and she kept saying she was really flattered, that was the end of it. I have no idea how she will react to THIS! Probably happy, she has been distancing the friendship and once it’s over she can not worry about me anymore.
React to cutting contact for good.
Yeah I probably would stop having the feelings. It would be like when we got really close and all of a sudden the feelings dropped and I would easily go months and months of no contact (disappearing she calls it but I just chased that closeness feeling and always have), but I am sure I would be fine if she iniated the phone conversations herself but as I said to her I want her to be free, in every sense of the word and I don’t wanna control her or how she interacts with me. She has to want it like I want it. If we both talked a few times a month and both called because we wanted to talk and text more often in the mornings (I liked it, got me through the day even if it was short but I was happy for a while). I can’t exactly hang out 1 time a month if she lives so far away, but it’s been almost 5 months and she just keeps saying “busy” yet hangs around other friends she never sees and says she doesn’t get out a whole lot but she works a few blocks from me, just means she doesn’t wanna hang out anymore but she can’t say it for some reason. I also needed to get my license which I never did, can’t always have her driving here on her days off when she lives an hour away.
She already knows I used to like her, but not for how long…thinks it’s when we started talking on the phone again late last year and kept saying how flattered she is I felt that way (which is just a nice way of saying I was never into you that way). Yeah…this goes far back. I wonder how she will react? you seem to know how she responds to things well, you thinnk she will be angry or anything?