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Eric

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  • #401195
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you for the effort on praising,

    But i feel like the praise i need is when i have some kind of achievement or something to be proud of… because in my state right now, there isnt something worth praising for…

    #401103
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    yes, I did learn over time, reading and participating in your many threads (in a few separate accounts) how your brain works. Here is key: the more you know how your own brain works, the better your life will be.

    = Day by day i understand more and more on how my brain works…

    Indeed as you’ve said before, my brain is filled with inferiority…. tbh sometimes i can contain this inferiority, the difficult part is that i’m a person who loves to get praised by someone (as i’ve ever mentioned previously that in my primary school days i always get good grades, and lots of people praised me, also at that time height isnt an issue at all)

    Right now i’m confused on what should i do to get people to praise me, it doesnt have to be a praise actually… but i want people to view me as someone who’s good at something… because no one ever knew what my specialties are…. even my parents….

    If i knew at that time, that they wont praise me for helping their business after graduating….. i wouldnt follow their advice on taking this degree…… And this gives me a mindset that if i have a child one day….. i’ll do a different method of guiding them on choosing their degree…… so he/she wont end up like me…

    Few months ago i keep regretting on why i didnt take a degree in animation (i wanted to take animation that time, but my parents convinced me that it’s better to take business degree and eventually help their business)…. because if i took that degree…. people will label me as “someone who can draw, or someone who specialize in arts”……. Then at that time i bought myself a drawing pad that could be connected to my laptop….. But it’s really hard… i guess i have no talent in drawing… maybe it’s just an interest of mine that i love japanese cartoons (anime) which prompted me to have thoughts of taking animation degree….

    I also consider to take graphic design that time…

    I feel like if i took one of these degrees, i can get lots of positives:

    – People will label me as an art person

    – At least i can do something related to drawing by drawing for other people online…. while doing my parents business….

     

    I consider of taking online classes related to design or animation… but idk if it’s worth it… because along the road i’m a person who easily lost interest if i find it hard….

     

    Nowadays i also go to the gym to gain results which could make other people praising something about me…..

    I really love praises…. and also achievements (if possible)….

     

    The job i’m doing right now in the office is nothing special, like people without a degree could also do that…… that’s why i keep forcing myself to show to people that i have some kind of specialty….

     

    But sometimes laziness controls my mind, therefore making me procrastinate…. i also need to get rid of this….

     

     

    If you have this visual, maybe you will be able to imagine that it is possible for you too- one day in the future- to feel comfortable around taller people, men and women.

    = i’m trying my best to to solve this problem…. because this kind of thoughts gives me dilemma….. e.g. like will i feel uncomfortable/disgrace with girls who has the same height as me (because most girls i’m attracted to has the same height (i guess i used to mention about this))….. or should i lower my demands and chase the shorter ones……

    This may sound funny but i’m a person who’s still keeping my standard although i have inferiority thoughts….

     

    I think social media also play a big part in increasing my struggles, as social media mostly are all about other people’s achievements and happy life….

     

     

    I really like tracking my progress like this….. as i can see that i have made a lot of improvements till now…..

     

     

    #401094
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear helcat,

    Thank you for wishing me a happy birthday ! Sorry for replying late…

     

    Yes i’m cherishing those memories on my uni days… right now i’m still adapting to adult life, which is adapting to a life where everyone has their own goals and friends are no longer a priority…

    I do celebrate the birthday with my close friends… although it’s only the three of them, and turns out they brought me a birthday cake and i blew the birthday candle with those guys beside me…..

    I really appreciate their effort and are really thankful that i can stil celebrate a birthday with my friends…..

     

     

     

    #400920
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you for the birthday poem !

     

    if I remember correctly, your uni friends didn’t send you cakes on your last birthday either. So, if I get it correctly, they sent you cakes when you were still attending uni together, but not since graduation, right?

    = Nope my uni friends did send me a cake after i graduate (so in 2020 and 2021 i receive cakes)… this is the first year i didnt receive any cake from them….

     

    Due to this situation, as you know how my brain works…

    I felt some sort of regret that i’ve invested so much time with those guys…. like if i find another group of friend in my uni days i could’ve had a different sort of friendship and maybe if i took that path i could even have a girlfriend now…

    Then i remember that i have social anxiety, and also i’m not confident with my body….. no wonder i befriend those group of friends…. because they accepted me… although in the end it ended up like this.

    I always had a mindset that the type of girl who’ll accept me is a girl who’s not confident on herself… that’s why she chose me….. But then i realize that this is a low self confidence thinking… and i need to develop more confidence in me…..

    I thought that i only can chase a girl who’s shorter than me……. and i’m too picky on choosing her face (it doesnt have to be pretty, but i have my own type)….

    Even now with a “more confident” mindset, i’m still not confident in chasing a girl who’s the same height as me…

     

    Also i need to engage in new activities (but my city doesnt offer lots of activities)… as in the last 2 years after graduating i havent met any “new” girls in town, so i dont know which girl to chase… At the same time, sometimes i feel comfortable being alone… watching tv in my room…. but i know i cant be like that, i need to go out an socialize as i wanna experience my first date.

     

     

    #400881
    Eric
    Participant

    *continuation from my reply above*

    Should i stop dwelling on that kind of situation and start behaving more like an adult?

    #400880
    Eric
    Participant

    Thank you anita and helcat for your sharing once again….

     

    Setting aside the topics we discussed above, I wanna share my today’s experience that causes me to feel so deeply sad inside.

    So today is my birthday, and this time none of my friends send me cakes anymore like in the previous years….. I’m not sure that this is just me being overdramatic or i havent understand how the adulthood works…. some of my friends are partly from uni and the other ones are from my highschool…. The ones who text me birthday wishes are only the people who i’m very close with and we text often…

    I was shocked that the only cake that i get is only from my family…..

    I usually get 3 cakes…. Since i graduated i’m not very close with my friends from uni but they still sent me cake (like 8 people purchase a cake for my birthday)…. All my uni friends are from the same country as me, but most of us are scattered on a different provinces..

    I always thought that they’ll still send me a cake till i marry someone, and due to this i’m still close enough to invite them…. but this situation makes me think that it’s quite impossible….

    I have more uni friends than my high school friends… my uni friends that usually purchase the cake for me are 8 people unlike my high school friends (4 people)…

    But today, i only got birthday wishes text from 2 people… and they are the ones that i frequently contact with…..

    Even my parents ask me, why didnt i get any cakes today from my friends……

    Usually me and my uni friends sent cakes to each of our friend every year… but i guess this year that trend is ending….

    But i assume it’s because few of my uni friends now have their girlfriend/boyfriend…so they are busy with themselves

    Today is another gloomy birthday of mine, just like last year…..

    I assume this how the adult life works is it?

     

    It’s not that i’m dwelling on this, it’s just that i feel sad….

    I dont really have many friends in this city, as i dont have many friends in my high school,  but i got quite a lot of friends in uni (unfortunately they dont live in my city)….

     

     

    I feel like anita is right, i’m too alone and too isolated… but i cant really help it…. my family is a lonely family (my dad’s family are not close to each other, therefore i dont have any cousins to contact with)

    whereas in my mom’s family (my mom’s mother divorce with my grandpa, and my mom is an only child)…. hence i dont have any close cousins from my mother..

     

    I guess maybe this is a sign for me to try to find someone so i wont get alone? (like a girlfriend), i’ve tried doing activities like going to the gym but still i still feel alone…..

     

     

     

     

     

    #400017
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear Helcat,

    I think the reason why i’m feeling awkward to say hello, because i’ve been living 2 decades without saying hello to other people first….

    Usually i ended up being friends with someone is due to them saying hello first….

    My assumption is that i develop this attitude from my dad, because he’s the serious type of person and never says hello first…. But i really want to improve this attitude of mine…..

    Do u think the only way to stop feeling awkward from saying hello and other small talks is by forcing myself to practice doing it? and no other choice?

     

    #400016
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

     

    she didn’t intend to hurt your feelings, but she should have been aware that her question was likely to hurt your feelings. And with that awareness, she should have exercised self-control and not ask you how tall you are.

    it is unfortunate that short men suffer discrimination in a variety of contexts. I wish it wasn’t so.

    = I suddenly remembered that i experience this kind of situation back when i was still in high school, it was at the prom night… and at that time there is an event on which male student would win the best suit for the prom night…. and turns out it was my junior who won (chosen by the student council)…. i don’t really care much because i never expect myself to win…..

    Then one of my friends told me “it should be you who won, but i guess maybe it’s because you’re short so it’s kind of hard”

    Well it took me a lot of time to dress nicely as i have my preparations a week before the prom night….. i really wanted to look good but i never intend to win the best suit… i just wanted people to praise how i look…..

    I knew his words are genuine, and he’s really hoping that i should’ve got the best suit…. but then those words really hurt my feelings…. i went home feeling down… at that moment i realized that there’s no hope for short guys to get the best looks in a party…

    Here i notice there are lots of people who don’t realize that their words could hurt other people’s feelings (although they didn’t intend to hurt their feelings)… Besides good communication skills, i guess i’ll also have to learn on how to have a strong mentality to avoid feeling down due to other people’s words…..

     

     

    Also,

    Today i’m going to share my progress in communicating with those people in the gym…. and turns out i still can’t talk to that guy who used to offer me his eggs….. So today after finishing my exercise with my trainer, i sit in the lobby playing with my phone and then that guy sit next to me watching tv while eating his eggs…. but we didnt talk at all…… I’m forcing myself to talk to him but it wont come out….. i still havent dominate this anxiety and also i dont know what words to initiate with him…. He’s sitting there beside me for like 10 minutes and both of us didn’t say a word…. I thought he already labelled me as the “unapproachable” guy…. But then after he finished watching, he asks me “do u want to watch the tv, here’s the remote”…. then i smiled “no thank you”… then he closed the tv……. I was shocked that he still initiate a convo with me…….

    I’m still mad at myself, like how many attemps do i need to succeed……..

     

    #399982
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Thank you for the response.

    First of all, i wanna share my recent experience on successfully exercising self-control. So few days ago i went to have my immunization along with my mom, sister and one of my mom’s friend. I went for the immunization wearing my thick sandals as usual. Long story short, that person (one of my mom’s friend) ask how tall am i? I’m pretty sure she asked me because she notice my small body and her children are both tall (a boy and a girl)…. Then i said my height… she was kinda surprised on how short i am… and said to me “wow you’re short (but not in a mocking way, like she’s genuinely shocked)”…..

    I replied with a smile,

    Well ofc i feel hurt and angry when she said that, i’d be lying if i don’t because i still dont like my height,…. but surprisingly idk why i’m not too stressed like in the past…..

    But i still hope less people in the future will ask me that kind of question…. because who knows my self-control might crumble….

    At that time i feel to tired to overthink about it, usually i’ll analyze on why she said that, does she think she’s superior because her son is tall, does it mean she looks down on me? Now i look at this situation as something that i can improve on… like i’ll try to “fake” my height more intelligently…..

     

    Idk if this is me subconsciously trying to be more positive or me being tired of always stressing about this issue….

     

    Also i really appreciate on your research regarding social anxiety…. most of the examples mentioned there are basically me…. I still find it hard to communicate because sometimes i feel lazy to talk… maybe this is the result of always staying quiet all the time….

    My method on solving this issue is that i want to learn from my mistake everyday… so i can gain more confidence….. because there is something that i notice as i grow up… it’s that we became wiser as we learn from our mistakes….

    #399976
    Eric
    Participant

    Dear Helcat, thank you for your response..

     

    They probably stopped because you showed no interest in talking. If you initiate they may resume interest.

    Have you tried the small steps of saying hello to the people you don’t speak to?

    = Nope i havent tried saying hello to them because i still find it awkward as i feel it isn’t “me”…. i’d like to initiate them with a more less awkward situation…. one of those guys usually watches tv in the gym lobby after a tiring workout and i’m planning to talk about “television stuffs” with him…

    What is your favourite thing to talk about to friends that you are more comfortable with?

    = I usually adapt with their topics, and if i understand the topic…. then i’ve solved the problem,

    Once i’ve solved the problem… cracking a joke is a piece of cake for me.

    But then, both of those guys topics are usually about intellectual stuffs like business and finances…. the only topic that i communicate with is about the country’s recent news…. Does this mean i’ve to improve my knowledge so that i can talk to people easier?

     

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by Eric.
    • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by Eric.
    #399562
    Eric
    Participant

    Thank you helcat and anita for the responses,

    So few days ago i went to the gym, the situation is still the same… i felt that i still cant approach them because they didnt show any signs of interest to talk to me anymore…. And i felt that if i initiated any topics with them, i’d feel like im forcing myself…. Moreover my trainer doesnt talk to me casually anymore, like he also seems to lose interest in me… and only talks about our exercise (even when im the one paying him)… but with those 2 guys he still talks casually… I guess i’ll have to accept that i failed my first impression with them. This isnt the first time i failed in this kind of situation.

    Is this something wrong with me? I always end up this way, people getting less interested with me… but i guess this is my nature, sometimes i’m too tired to talk with anyone and i prefer to stay quiet playing with my phone. I also dont have any specialization, so i cant really initiated any of my hobbies other than watching tv shows.

    Is this really how the adult world works? Or it’s just me creating awkward situations.

    Due to this, my past regrets is filling up my head again and i’m trying my best to control it.. because i also have similar situations in the past which ends up this way. I can say 70% of acquaintances i met feel awkward around me….

    #398951
    Eric
    Participant

    Thank you anita, for asking on how i’m doing

     

    In the previous post you asked:

    Back to your original post: the atmosphere in the gym you go to, according to your descriptions, is friendly. When the older guy offered you an egg, you said “no thank you”, with a smile. Following that neither one of you said anything to the other. Next time you see him eating an egg in the same circumstance… what will you say or do differently, based on the information I quoted above?

    = I haven’t seen him eating an egg these days, but if he offers me an again… i’d answer him differently. Yes i’d still reject the egg and smile. But i’d continue our conversation by asking him “do you bring this egg from home”? or “do u bring eggs everytime you workout”?

    Yesterday i went to the gym and the situation is still the same… after i finish my exercise with my trainer, he talks with those 2 guys while i’m sitting in the corner of the gym playing with my phone.. They were talking about the recent news in my city and about politics. Tbh i can talk about those topics, but the barrier is still there…I tried to force my mouth to speak, but the feeling of unsafe is too big… like i feel that i’m not me if i just jump into their conversation, i’m not that kind of person. I keep waiting for one of those guys to open a conversation with me… but it never came…. I guess the only way is for me to jump in their conversations….

    I’ve seen most people do that normally, like jump into any conversation, but i still find it hard…. because i never get to know people using this way, while most people get to know strangers by doing this method. Mostly in my life, i get to know new people by planning on how to approach them (so i feel safe), or because we have the same purpose (in uni, in my office).

    Those skills of jumping into conversation… i feel like i need to learn it, cause imo it’s essential in networking with people.

    I won’t give up on this… i’ll try another attempt the next time i go to the gym.

    #398472
    Eric
    Participant

    Thank you anita for your long and detailed reply.

    Would u mind if i reply you back? Or do u think it will be just another “scratch”?

    #396498
    Eric
    Participant

    Go ahead anita. I’d like to hear what you’re gonna say.

    #396107
    Eric
    Participant

    Hi helcat,

    Thanks for the reply.

    Since i applied for uni, my only intention is to come back and help my dad’s company when i graduated. So i took business degrees in uni. And i’ve several bachelor degree choices, and in the end i took business management… in which most students who have bad grades ended up taking that. I should’ve chose the other bachelor degree that “smart” students took, such as economics and accounting. I just want to took that “smart” degree for the sake of my good image. And right now i’m worried that every time i tell someone my degree, they’ll thought that i’m lazy and have bad grades… in which i’m not.

    Tbh this degree doesn’t affect my career choices as i end up working in my dad’s company.

    I knew this sounds silly, but i do feel regret taking this bachelor degree because of how people will perceive me, not because of the career path.

    Does this sound like i’m still immature in life? That i overthink of other people’s opinion on me?

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 26 total)