Forum Replies Created
September 5, 2022 at 12:36 pm #406661
Although maybe it feels like im getting more anxiety, issues, etc…..
Suddenly i get the thoughts of how much lessons i gain these past two years…. it’s not easy…. I can feel i gain more maturity, also i can say that i’ve mostly moved on from that girl who i have a crush on for a long time…. Also improving at least a little of my communication skills, knowing some responsibilities… but there’s still a lot for me to learn…
I just hope i’ll not make those kind of mistakes again, i really beg myself…. to not do those silly mistakes….
I really want the best for myself….September 5, 2022 at 12:24 pm #406660
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear anita,</p>
I havent consult a professional because my parents might thought that i have a major problem and they could be worried, also other problems i feel that i can solve without professional as long as i can convince my mind…
Regarding the girl, the day is getting closer…. In 2 days im gonna meet her….
The mistake that makes me mad is that i text her so obvious that she might know im trying to chase her and its a wrong strategy… as its better to just act normally and just be a normal customer who buy her mooncake… then slowly i’ll text her again and try to get close to her (but its only after i take the mooncake home)…. But the strategy went wrongly and i sound stupid and i just show her that i look like i wanna chase her……
Everyday before i go to sleep i try to convince my mind that this mistake should be find, but the more i think about it….. It’s so obvious…. Why did i do that…. She might label me as a pathetic guy who tries to chase her when we havent met each other….
I keep praying that this isnt a crucial mistake and i hope it’s not obvious as it might cause her to have some kind of “ill-feel” feeling towards me….September 4, 2022 at 9:27 am #406623
I feel that way because the mistake i made, might have critical effect on me….. like if i dont do that mistake that “person” might perceive or treats me in a different way……
I only magnify my mistakes into disasters on the crucial mistakes…. especially if it involves on how people perceive me…. and for this matter i think it’s a crucial mistake…. So it’s hard to not feel bad about it…..
If it doesnt involve other people…. i tend to not think too much about it…..September 4, 2022 at 9:12 am #406621
Do u think if she appears uninterested when i meet her later on, or she appears uninterested when i text her again…. should i feel bad that it might due to how i text her that first time?
“Also I plan to text her again to get to know her when i get back…“- it will be easier to text than to talk, so this is the easier part.
= Yes, that’s why i plan to get close to her by texts after i take the mooncake… But idk how she’ll respond to me later onSeptember 4, 2022 at 8:22 am #406614
The one that i still regret is that why do i text her like a newbie….. i should’ve just order the mooncake……..
Then proceed to the plan of texting her again after picking up the mooncake…… I’m so disappointed in myself…..
To release my anger, yesterday i hit the wall with my right hand….. It satisfy my anger for a while, but it my right palm kinda hurt right now….. I still feel i deserve it, unless that girl suddenly text me in a positive way when i text her again later on….. means that i didnt do anything wrong in the first initiation on texting her….September 4, 2022 at 8:14 am #406612
I think that the event of you picking up the mooncake is likely to be uneventful: you will pay her, she will hand you the mooncake, you will say thank you and leave… that’s all that’s going to happen.
Yes i expect it to happen that way too….
What i’m wondering is….. what would be her impression of me, as i’ve ruined my first impression by initiating her a text that makes me look like that i’m a newbie in buying stuffs through social media…. as it’s obvious in the poster that it states it’s a homemade mooncake, but i still ask her if it’s a homamade?
and she’s going to meet me for the first time….. seeing my appearance…..
Also i plan to text her again to get to know her when i get back….. First i’m going to discuss on how i felt about her mooncake…. And then i plan to talk ask more casually about her…..September 4, 2022 at 12:35 am #406603
What’s ur suggestion as i’m gonna meet her this thursday to pickup the mooncake?
Let’s say i did wrongly in initiating the convo, i should just stop thinking about it… and just act normally when meeting her later on?
What should i talk about if she decides to talk a bit later on? I easily lost for words if i’m nervous or under pressure…..September 3, 2022 at 11:37 am #406589
Maybe i was wrong after all. I try to chase girls like most boys at my age, but i didnt realize i have no good qualities…. And i even try to aim “my type of attractive” ones…
I should’ve been realistic….
Sometimes i even feel confused, why do people wanna be friends with me? I offer them nothing and they have absolutely no gain to be my friend.
I guess it’s due to i struggle to get rid of how i’m embarrassed with my appearance. Tbh i also feel embarrassed of my sister’s personality and appearance, i feel like her appearance is just like me which is not attractive… and her attitude is so cold and barely smiles…. How can a girl have that kind of personality…. Didnt she realize that she’s not attractive and should’ve opted to be more friendly to be likable, her face is also fierce just like me. She’s also has a short height like me.
But my mother keeps praising of how good looking she is at home. Why cant she just stop saying that? Even i dont dare to say that because it isnt the truth, i’ll only praise for something that is true… in which she’s smart that she always have good grades. I praise her for that, but not her appearance.
I also used to tell about my struggles regarding my height to her. But she keeps saying that i’m not that short and it’s not like i’m bad looking…. Why cant she just be realistic….
I easily feel embarrassed of anything that is connected to me, like my families, etc. Because it could affect people’s impression towards me, especially the judging ones…September 3, 2022 at 11:15 am #406588
What happened in real-life, objectively speaking: nothing much, a small, short exchange on social media, no aggression, no threats of violence. And yet, subjectively, all hell breaks loose inside your brain, as if the world was destroyed and you are the cause of massive destruction.
I feel so miserable because this might reduce my chance to get her attracted to me, because i’m going to meet her on thursday….
As always i’ll get a weak first impression, and this problem adds it even worse
I also feel embarrassed for trying to act curious….. when it’s so obvious….
Also i’m asking her as if i dont know about mooncakes, when next week is mooncake festival… She might’ve thought that i’m a less educated guy with no tradition…
I’ve been thinking about this all day….
by realizing that you did not destroy the world. Nothing really happened, in real-life.
Nothing really happened in real life, but it happened in her head….
Idk what’s her impression on me now, all i know is that the way she communicated with me when i was buying her mooncake… isnt what i expected…. The conversation’s a bit off…
Should i just completely stop thinking about this? And just let it go even if this is a problem? Even if she laughs at me and has a weak impression of me?September 3, 2022 at 8:06 am #406581
The problem is because she already states that the mooncake is homemade, but i still decided to initiate the convo by asking if its homemade…. Instead of just directly told her that i want to buy…. Makes myself look lame….
At first i really look forward in initiating a convo with her, but then she replies in a completely different way than i expected…. Means that there is something weird or wrong with how i initiate it….
I really hope that this thursday, when i meet her later on, will be an “ok” meetup, i dont want that meeting to be another embarrassing moment for me…..
This is one of the reasons why i always decided to just stay on my comfort zone and not try approaching people…. Because i’ll always ended up making mistakes and it feels like a disaster….
I think it’s important to remember that when someone communicates and things seem a little off, the reason could be completely unrelated to you.
= Tbh i dont really know, but there is still a chance that the convo is a bit off due to the words from my texting….
If it’s actually not related to me, how do u think should i respond? Just try not to think too much about it?
My plan is that when i meet her later on, i’m going to try the mooncake at my home… and text her again on how it tastes like… So i can have another convo again…. But if she already have a bad impression about me due to how i initiate her…. Then it’s useless for me to text her again and try to get to know her….September 3, 2022 at 6:02 am #406578
Somebody pls help me, i can’t seem to forgive myself due to this mistake, and my mind is eating me up.September 3, 2022 at 3:34 am #406576
How can i not deserve to hit the wall when i did that mistake…. Like i’m trying to give the best for myself but i always ended up ruining myself…..
That girl almost respond unwillingly when i ask that stupid question…..September 3, 2022 at 3:26 am #406575
I’m still digesting the long explanation u sent me in the previous thread, i wanna understand it slowly…
Do u have a more frontal tips anita?” – what do you mean by frontal tips?
= I mean like a more direct tips from ur personal opinion rather than general opinion as a neutral.
Aside from the previous threads,
So recently I’m trying to get close to a girl from social media… so she’s selling a homemade mooncake by promoting it on social media….
We’ve been following each other for a year but never texts each other, and that was the first time i text her….
So i’m trying to get close to her buy buying her mooncake, but then as always i did a mistake….
When it’s obviously a “homemade” mooncake… i initiated the conversation with her by asking “is the cake homemade?”
Sounds really stupid right. I just gave her a stupid first impression… and she might know that i’m just pretending to buy that mooncake to get close to her…
And then i ask her what flavor of mooncake is in that pic? Then she told me the flavor and eventually i paid for that mooncake, i’m going to pick up that mooncake in her house on thursday…. And meeting her for the first time…..
I just cant believe i did that mistake, i really want to hit the wall again. Like why do i keep making the same mistakes again and again when i’ve planned it for a long time….. i hate it.
I worry that with that stupid first impression, i’ve already reduced my chances because i’m sure when she saw me for the first time later on, it’ll be another weak impression due to my appearance and height…..
Idk how to fix this…. It feels really messed up….
I feel like screaming….. how can this slow brain of mine keep doing this to myself…. Like why??August 31, 2022 at 9:48 am #406384
Regarding jealousy, you have a habit of frequently judging and criticising yourself. It will take some time and hard work to practice restraining yourself from criticising yourself.
This will happen more naturally as you reduce your anxiety levels and develop your confidence. But you also need to acknowledge that this is a bad habit that causes you a lot of stress and commit to it being something that you no longer want to do.
If it happens, it is an accident. Try your best not to worry. Just notice it happening. Notice how it makes you feel. Understand that it is the act of judging yourself that is making you feel thatway and let it pass.
There is also something else… From my experience there are reasons that prolonge bouts of depression and anxiety. Reasons why we behave the way that we behave. For me, it was a form of avoidance. It kept me safe from the scary outside world. At the same time it prevented me from living my life and made me unhappy
I keep criticising myself because i keep making the same mistakes….
Even today i did the same mistake, so there is this lady in the gym (she’s probably around 40, single) so she’s joking with her friend (a girl) that they go to the gym to attract guys, that they wanna make their body more curvy and something like that….. then my trainer joke to them by saying that there is still a “kid” (me) here and they shouldnt discuss those stuffs… My trainer said that because i’m very quiet while he trains me…. then that lady joke by saying “he should hear about this topic so he can understand more about girls and not get fooled by them”, she then joke to me by saying “im correct right?”…. then i just smiled without looking at her face….. Idk why i keep having this issue…. i want to talk but idk what to talk about…. and i always have difficulties in staring a quite attractive girl… i cant look at her in the eye (it’s always been this way since i was a kid)……
I noticed that my dad is also like this…… he also never initiates any talk with a new person, unless that person is the one initiating…… and he never jokes with anyone……
I feel this is due to my genetics, do u think so?
But tbh, even my trainer said that i lack self confidence…..
See….. i keep making the same mistakes, it’s really tiring…..
Limiting social media use might be a good idea for you? People tend to show what they want others to see, not how things really are. Everyone has difficulties in life as an adult. No one has a perfect life.
Social media always make me feel less, like when i dont think much about how many friends i have…. then i saw a friend of mine who use to have lesser friends than me, now has more friends than me, and he got it mostly from uni…… This gives me anxiety, making me think that all this time i did it wrong in how to make friends at uni….
I think a good quality you have is that you are open to listening and eager to learn.
I’m eager to learn because i want to stand out, i always feel this way since i was a kid….. but then i have so many weaknesses and it gives me a hard time to stand out……
I’m also eager to learn is due to i hate making the same mistakes, it could cause me missing out from people…..
I really fear missing out from people, when i’m already missing out from them due to my weaknesses…. i dont want to get more far away than them…….
When i’m alone in my room, i always wonder…. why cant i have something that i can be proud of myself…. some kind of achievements that i get and no other people can get…. why cant i achieve it…..
I understand what it is like to have a slow brain. I have a learning disability that leads to slow processing and various other issues. Reducing anxiety is going to be your best friend. The more anxious you are the easier it is to make mistakes and the more difficult it is to process.
I disagree, I think you have lots of good ideas. Going to the gym was a great idea. You will minimise any superficial judgement about your height by going to the gym, being fit, strong and healthy. People will focus instead on how fit and strong you are.
One of the reasons i went to the gym is also due to it’s an individual activity, and i don’t need to interact with people to do the activity, and also because i wanna keep my mind distracted, to prevent overthinking at my room….
It’s great to hear that you have been developing other skills and trying new things. Learning to ride a bike as an adult is very brave. My husband doesn’t know how to ride a bike and is afraid to try. I enjoy riding my bike, it would be nice to cycle together one day.
I think you have a lot of good ideas about developing skills in activities that interest you. You are very brave taking these steps to develop yourself as a person. I bet you never thought you would be described as brave. But bravery is courage in the face of fear, not an absence of fear.
I never labelled myself as brave, because i’m not…. i cant even look at attractive girls…. how can i be considered as brave if i still act that way……
I want to try more activities because i dont want to miss out, i want to be like most people….. i actually dislike approaching people, but in uni days i force myself so i dont lose out and eventually i gain few friends…..
I think the following are some things that many people look for in a long term partner:
Mentally stable (it is important that mental health conditions are well managed)
Responsible with finances
Willing to share cooking / cleaning / childcare responsibilities
Likes and wants children (if a family is desired)
But don’t most girls hate it, if the boy is very boring?
How about achievements? I bet most people care about this……
Like i’m currently working in my family’s office, and i dont earn my own income….. even my parents are not proud of me…. I cant see myself as a guy that a partner can look up to….
I also lack communication skills and confidence, i dont want my future kids to look at me as some kind of “useless dad”, it’ll really hurt me….
Although right now i’m sure that if i love that person very much, i’ll really cherish her…….
I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing being picky, but it will make dating more difficult as it will take longer to find a partner.
As long as you are okay with it taking longer, that is fine. However, if the goal is to date sooner rather than later it could be beneficial to try dating people that you wouldn’t normally consider. I think it is worth taking the time to get to know people as they can surprise you. If after getting to know smeone you still find you have a lack of romantic interest it is quite acceptable to move on. It is all really up to you and your preferences.
I always fear something that hasnt happen yet, like i keep imagining the girls’ parents might judge me or something like that…. regarding my appearance or my family….. Because i want a good quality girl (quite attractive and well-educated)…. if this is the case, i bet the parents will want to have a good quality son in law…..
I also need to learn how to talk to my future girlfriend’s parents….. I still have difficulties in casually talking with “parents”…. i keep acting like a good boy who’s obedient every time i talk to parents……
Even with people older than me, i used to talk to them like an obedient younger guy….. i can’t casually talk, i think it’s due to me avoiding judgements….. and i have difficulties in making sentences while talking to them….. But then there’s a day when she (the senior) told me to just talk to her casually, what’s wrong with talking casually…. and eventually i talk to her casually…. at first i have difficulties in choosing the words to talk to…. Then i studied on how she talks with her friend, then i copy her friends way and i can talk to her easily…..
It’s always this way…. i always need a material to understand something…. i cant think it by myself….
This is why i have difficulties in talking to new people…. i need to study that person first, so i can feel safe and have a material to talk to…
But then this method is always too late, eventually that new person will label me as a not approachable person….
I also think that you write well and I am a literacy tutor.
I still feel that i have a weak grammar, i may be able to write english sentences that people can understand, but i still cant form english sentences professionally.August 25, 2022 at 10:07 pm #406170
Also i wanna add some more (i apologize if i keep adding threads)…
Can anyone help me deal with jealousy? It’s like every time i saw other people’s happiness and successes, i’ll instantly look at myself… and if i dont have those i’ll label myself as good for nothing…. And i’ll beat myself up in my mind for it….. I’ll keep bullying myself for it….
This issue can be anything (prestigious degrees, achievements, happy family, good looking appearance, lots of friends, successes, attractive partner)…. And the person i compare to isnt specific… it could be anyone…. The more i know better that person, the greater the jealousy….
I’m confused why i’m like this…. Why do i have so much jealousy in me when me myself have so much weaknesses…..