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You can just reply me when you get back…
I’m gonna reply again because today i’m in my room and i keep wondering…. Which resulting me having these thoughts…
I feel like all of my insecurities are mostly not because of me, and i have to accept it…. Feels so unfair….
Like I didnt cause my dad’s family to be that messy which results in our family not contacting his siblings at all, and it’s not my fault that my mother is a single child because his dad is a single parents….. Those circumstances results in me having no cousins…. And every time i saw my friends hanging out happily with their cousins…. I get this feeling of sadness and jealousy…. And it’s not even my fault….
The same goes with my height and appearance…. I didnt ask for it….
But then i was born in this world, and have to live in it…. So terrible, i hate it…. I have no choice but to live and try to be happy with this given circumstances…. I’ll always have this deep hatred towards this world, always.
I apologize i didnt see that your post before i posted my second thread….
Thank you for wishing me a calm weekend, I hope u enjoy ur weekend too!
Also there are things i’m curious about….
Do u think i need to make myself more interesting?, because with all my insecurities…. There isn’t anything interesting about me…. Like my job right now is only helping my parents, i’m not that fun to talk too, i have very little friends, i go to the gym only to distract myself, no sports hobby, all i do in my free time is only watching movies or tv shows…..
I tried drawing but it’s hard… i prefer going to the gym because i didnt have to think much while working out….
Now, imagine a girl not liking your height (just as I did not like your “i”s), but because of your unique honesty (however awkward you may sound like in-person), imagine that she starts to like you like I just did. Imagine that she feels affection for you and suddenly… she likes your height, just like I like your”i”- s.
I think i understand what you meant by that, but usually i don’t get attracted with those kind of girls… Do u think this is wrong for me to think this way?
And moreover i’m no longer in uni, also with the situation of my office and my daily routine (going to the gym) it’s hard for me to find girls i’m attracted to, this is why i use social media to engage girls….
your way of writing, and I read your unique honesty about what you think and feel, I became aware that I was feeling that I like you, feeling true affection for you. And while in the past, I did not like the “i”s and many “…”- these became nice, likeable… your ways became cute and positively special.
This is also one of the reason why that i really had a hard time forgetting that girl, she like me not because of my appearance but because she feels comfortable with me….
I really need to find this type of person for me….but at the same time i need to be attracted to her too…. So it’s quite hard with this circumstances of mine…
Thank you for your response, and yes i’m feeling much better now….
Do you honestly believe that anyone deserves to be hit?
I honestly believe that i deserve that so that i wont make the same mistakes again…. and i have to find a solution for it….
That’s what i thought when i hit my head….
I am not saying this because I wish to cease communication. On the contrary! I would love to continue this conversation. I just know from my own experience that it is near impossible to be kind to yourself while these feelings are still raw.
I have an idea for you regarding conversation practice. You write beautifully and visualisation is great technique that has a similar impact to performing the activity itself. Could you write about how you would have liked the conversation to go with this girl? Please only do this when you are feeling calmer.
Tbh if i can get close to her and be friends with her, i’d be more than happy…… When i met her that time, i want to ask her how’s she doing now? Because she attends the same uni as me…. i’d like to know what’s her job now……. And also discussing small talks like now the covid situation are much better in our city…..
But all of this doesnt come out from my mouth that time due to fear…..
Have you tried yoga before? It is an excellent way to develop relaxation skills. Learning to properly relax could help you learn to better manage your anxiety.
I hope you take care of yourself in this vulnerable state. You deserve to take especially good care of yourself right now. What are your favourite treats or some comforting / distracting activities that you enjoy?
Nope i haven’t tried yoga, but i went to the gym everyday now…. to improve this short body that i don’t like (i’m trying to accept it, and look for ways for me to conceal my short height (e.g. i wear tall shoes when i went out)) and also to reduce my overthinking by distracting myself to do workouts….. and it’s quite effective for me….
I also like the atmosphere in that gym because most of them are my father’s friends….. so i feel like they wont judge me and i feel safe…..
Most people in that gym also talk to each other and i really like that kind of vibe even if i dont talk to them (i do talk to them, but very little (mostly it’s due to them initiating first))….. i like the vibe because they are people who wont judge me and the atmosphere isnt lonely, whereas at home i usually feel very lonely….
I apologize for replying late,
to live your life best you can is to have a different, better ATTITUDE; a different, better STAND TOWARD THE CONDITIONS of your life.
Yes i’m trying to accept the conditions of my life…. i’m really trying my best.
what is your attitude about it, what is your stand toward this condition of being underestimated because of your looks?
I know i shouldn’t care too much about that kind of person who underestimated my short appearance and looks…. but still i’ll never able to achieve their bodies which is more attractive and taller….. and i need to eradicate that kind of dream…. i used to dream to have an ideal body when i was still a kid…. but i was never given, not even an average height……
Even if their personality is filthy, sometimes i envy them….. like they can at least experience going to the clubs as someone attractive…. while me, it’s really hard for me to enjoy that kind of thing….. i need to wear tall shoes, etc…. and it’s still not enough….. I’m not saying that i want to enjoy going to clubs, it’s just that i need to accept that i wont be able to experience the feeling of being an attractive person…..
But day by day i’m trying to accept this, i’m trying to accept this body even though i dont like it…. (like a harsh reality)…
You didn’t walk away because you are stupid; you walked away because you are afraid. Then you got angry with yourself, as if walking away from the girl was a stupid mistake that you should be punished for. But NO, it was not a stupid mistake: it was fear. Fear does not respond well to punishment. It responds well to empathy and understanding.
The more you punish yourself for being afraid, the more afraid you will be. Oh how I wish you will be empathetic and understanding with yourself, particularly when you are afraid!
All this kind of fear starts from my insecurity of my height….. i’m afraid that girls might look at me as an unattractive guy or she might judge my height…. this causes me to be afraid to initiate a conversation…. and this habit keeps on going year after year….. till right now…..
I really need to find a solution for my brain, like i prefer a solution rather than accepting….
Like i used to be afraid going to the mall wearing sandals, but now i found a solution which is wearing tall shoes…. but i still need to find a solution if i’m in someone else’s house, in which i’ll be barefoot, i’m really insecure there……
Here is a very interesting one: “Fear is not real. It is a product of thoughts you create. Do not misunderstand me. Danger is very real. But fear is a choice.” -After Earth.
Think of it: fear being a choice? Can it be a choice, Eric?
I think to overcome fear, i need to experience it first…. like the first time will be the hardest…. but then the follow up will be easy….
Just like how i start learning how to drive a car, at first i fear driving outside the complex….. but i force myself and in the end i dont feel afraid now…..
I also used to be afraid of cutting my nails with the nail cutter when i was a kid…. i let my parents cut it for me….. But then when i go outside my city to enter uni, i need to learn that….. and eventually i did learn how to cut my own nails….. i use my own method because i still have fear of cutting my nails…. so i cut it really slow and safely….
But to overcome the fear on conversing with an attractive girl, or a person i feel pressure is not easy….. because i cant trial and error…. and they could come randomly without me planning how to talk to them…..
no, nothing good comes from overthinking and the pain that you are describing. I know the pain that you shared about for so long in your various threads, I felt it too and I assure you, there is nothing good about this kind of pain. Life wisdom and awakening happen when there is hope that pain will lessen and be no more, and… a different, better attitude will make it happen!
I usually have my awakening when i got a solution to convince my brain….. one of them was me constantly going to the gym every day after working….. even if i dont talk much with anyone there…. i overthink less than me immediately going home from my office……
I think it’s due to the surroundings at my home is very lonely, while at the gym there are lots of people (even if the people who went to the gym every day are the same ones mostly)….. and people there talk to each other while working out, i love seeing people in my surroundings talk to each other even if i dont talk…. it creates a happy atmosphere in me, this kind of feeling also appears in other occasion, not only in the gym….. Do u think this might be because i felt too lonely at my house? Sometimes i also feel less lonely when im talking here, like i feel there are people who appreciates my existence, and im thankful for that…..
Thank you for ur reply, and i apologize for not replying to ur previous replies…
You really do need to be kinder to yourself.
It’s not that i dont want to be kind to myself, but i keep making mistakes that i feel shouldn’t be made anymore in my age….
Also i have lots of weaknesses, and i really like getting impressed by people…. But i always ended up failing to hide my weaknesses…..
I feel like i deserve a beating because i havent improved on that issue, and keep making the same mistake again and again… it’s tiring….
But i agree with you when u said communication takes practice, and i seldom talk to people due to my daily activities….. Right now i’m trying to find a way to be able to talk more with people regardless of the situation in my house and workplace….
Or maybe it’s because i never communicate with people, i mostly spend my free time either going to the gym, or relaxing in my room….. On sundays, if i dont go out….. i can totally not communicate with anyone, just do my activities alone in my room……
Setting aside what we are discussing above (i’ll reply it soon)..
Few days ago i met an acquaintance of mine (she’s a girl) in a shopping mall, and long story short she wave at me and i wave back… then she asked me “u here hanging out?” then i said yes and immediately walk away….. i cant believe i did this…. i was too afraid to talk to her because i dont know what to say…. because we’re just acquaintance…. i bet she must’ve assumed im so arrogant not talk more with her, when she’s the one initiating a convo with me…..
I cant believe i keep repeating the same mistakes again….. why do i keep having this communication issues……
The night on that day i was so angry at myself, and i hit my head with my hand and punch my hands to the wall….. i was so enraged….. like why do i keep making the same mistakes…. not being able to talk but keep insisting on wanting to have a girlfriend….. i deserve a beat up on myself……. i’m no longer a teenager, i should be able to talk in that kind of situation……
I keep being a cautious guy who’s afraid of other people judgements……. idk why i’m like this…. is it because my house situation is very lonely? is it because i have a serious and anti social dad? is it because im too insecure with people im not familiar with?
If the person’s appearance looks like a person who wont judge, i can talk to that person easily…. if that person has a good appearance who might be able to judge… i’ll be very cautious and try my best so that they wont judge me…..
Every thing is getting tiring, my mistakes keeps increasing and increasing….. I’m so fed up…. I’m trying to improve myself, but the issues keeps happening…..
My thoughts and imaginings today- if I could, I would close my eyes and make these things happen: (1) I would make Eric as tall and as handsome as he wants to be, (2) I would roll back time so that Eric is 17 or so, just about to enter uni… no, I would roll back the time to when Eric as a baby: I would make sure that no one force-feeds him. I would make sure that Eric’s family is as big and as loving as he wants it to be, that little Eric has friends and is happy… no loneliness for Eric, no feeling less-than others for Eric, no pain for Eric.
And when Eric is 19, or 20, I will see to it that he falls in love with a girl who falls in love with him… and they live happily ever after.
You are right, this is really my dream scenario of life…. I really want to have this kind of life and appearance… i really do
But there is nothing i can do to get that life…. I dont have that kind of appearance, i dont have a really big and loving family, and i dont have a girl of my dreams right now….
The only thing that i can do now is live my life as best as i can…. But it’s such a struggle, i can distract myself about my height…. But then circumstances keeps giving me struggles….Like my friend could suddenly posted a pic of us together and i look short there (even when i tried my best to look as tall as i can), people would give me first impression that i’m short and a bit weird facial features (bushy eyebrows), even tall boys who has a filthy personality would underestimate me when we havent talk yet….
Due to this cautiousness, its hard for me to enjoy, i keep protecting myself from going to certain events because i could look short there…
I didnt chase girls in my uni days because of my insecurity, so i chose to pursue that girl but in the end it didnt work….
I know that whatever im dwelling here wont change anything, but i always felt that this world hates me…. I never asked to be born with eating issues, this appearance, etc
I tried to do what most people do when they broke up, show their ex that they are better…. Few days ago i posted a pic of me holding a coffee with all the enhanced appearance i can do…. I styled my hair, choose cool outfit… But when i look at it again, my legs look short. I didnt notice it until i posted that… It’s really hard to get people to impress my appearance, i go to the gym daily now… i hope it can enhance something….
I know that most people would say that you should “love yourself, be grateful”… but most people who said that dont have any issues with their height…. Easy for them to say that…..
Idk what mistakes that i do, but i feel like this world is giving me karma….
Just like how that girl keeps posting her appearance now, it’s like im getting left behind… she has upgraded her appearance…
There is nothing i can do to make this situation better, what i can do is hope that i can finally be free from that girl, fall in love with someone whom i really love and she accepts me who i am,
It’s really hard to live a life calmly, like there is always something that i did wrong every day…
Tbh i still can live and do my daily activities, it’s just that deep inside i experience internal pain everyday…. I can still force myself to live my life everyday, i just have to bear the pain inside me…. Nothing will came from dwelling my appearance, regrets, etc… i knew about that… it’s just that i like dwelling on how unfair my situation is right now….
The only good thing is that from every overthinking, i always gain new life advices… like i got some awakening in me…. But the pain i felt inside is sometimes too unbearable, like on few years ago… one of my friend posted a pic and i look short there… i hit my head due to that and i avoid myself from social media…. I even feel so afraid when i open social media….. Like my weakness gets exposed on public…. I can life my life more happily, but i need to camouflage my weaknesses everyday, i guess it’s isnt possible…
Cant believe im entering another gloomy period of my life, i need to calm myself again… its tiring to keep doing this.
Also the weird thing is that she keeps posting her instagram stories daily regarding her appearance, selfies…. It doesn’t makes sense to post something like that if she didn’t plan on having relationships till she’s ready…. What she did shows like she’s trying to attract boys…..
The other thing that make me mad at myself is also in my uni days i posted about myself childishly on social media or anything to make her saw me as a funny guy… whereas if i think about it now, no girls want boys to act that way… it’s so weird….
Every time i remember how she keeps posting her appearance, which is the complete opposite of what she said… makes me wanna hurry up and be in a relationship to show her that i’m happy….. I cant post regarding my appearance like that to rival her because im a guy and it’s not that i have an appealing appearance….
when she told you that she will be unhappy living with her aunt, maybe you felt that you and her will be having something in common, a commonality: the two of you being unhappy where you live: she with her aunt, you with your parents.
Maybe you were hoping that because the two of you would be unhappy, she will be looking for happiness with you, as you will be looking for happiness with her?
Yes that’s what i thought… like both of us could find our happiness by being together. I also thought that she’ll rely on me as her escape from her aunt to achieve happiness….
according to her Instagram stories, she is happy even though she is living with her aunt, so you feel cheated out of the commonality you thought you had with her (both of you being unhappy about where you live and looking for happiness with each other)?
Yes, from what i saw from her instagram stories… i sense no unhappiness there…. Like she’s enjoying her uni life now…. I know that people only post the happy moments on social media…. But from what i saw here is that she’s trying to show people how fun her uni life is…
you feel regret for missing out on the opportunity to meet new people and have new life experiences during your uni years. You blame yourself and you are angry at yourself for missing out and investing your time wrongly during uni. You alsoblame her and are angry at her for rejecting you and proceeding to enjoy her uni years without you. Did I understand correctly so far, here in this post?
Yes you are absolutely correct…. Although it’s not solely due to her that i missed out on the opportunity to meet new people in uni… it’s also due to my lack of social skills, insecurities of my body and my social anxiety….
I think that in your young life so far you suffered from a deep and lasting emotional deprivation: a Painful and Tormenting Lack of what you needed so much: a sense of worth, of being liked, of being okay- alone and with other people, particularly with people your age. I think that this sense of Lack produced an Emptiness that hurts and keeps hurting, making you angry because it is unfair to have this Emptiness be… Your Life while others seem to have better lives.
Yes i agree with the last sentence, i felt that other people seem to have better lives…
I was born in a lonely family… lack of cousins and family members (not in good terms (i think i’ve explained about my family issue in the previous threads))… This resulting into my lack of social skills and with also in my young life i experience lots of insecurities (due to my childhood, physical appearance, achievements, etc) which adds up more problems for me.
Is revenge really not the solution to show that we’re happy without her? I feel like my ego has been scratched…..
Like i’ve been trying to post about my life on my instagram stories to show that i’m happy without her….
– you prefer (1) girls who do not act like they are desperate for attention, girls who are calmer when it comes to seeking attention, (2) girls who are honest: when they say that they are not ready for a relationship=> they don’t seek the attention of guys. What they say (their words) and what they do (their actions) needs to fit.
Did I understand correctly?
– it wasn’t really a mistake to like her, because liking someone (or something) is not a matter of rational choosing. It’s a feeling.
= Yes, something like that…. Although i can say that most girls i know are also attention seekers… but i only felt so much anger when i saw this girl acted that way….
And yeah i think it’s due to that her words are different from what she posted on her instagram stories…. Like she’s really enjoying her life now…. The last time she told me that she’ll be unhappy living with her aunt when she enters uni…. But look at her now, it’s so different from what she said….
What i meant by mistake on liking her is because i’ve wasted some of my uni days to interact with her whereas my uni days are done now… because uni days are the best period to enjoy and meet new people…. On my stage right now (working), it’s a bit more monotone unlike uni days.
And she’s at that uni days stage now… i just cant accept that she’s enjoying her best time of her life after rejecting me….
It’s like i invest my stage of life wrongly…. Idk if this is some kind of karma i’m experiencing…
I’m trying my best right now to make my daily life enjoyable by going to the gym and etc, but it still wont be able to surpass her uni days enjoyment….
Please take your time, Eric, reading, re-reading and reflecting on the quotes above, and then let me know what you think.
= I just read all of those tips once, gonna re-read it again and tell you what i think…..
Thank you once again, for praising my improvements!
It will be helpful if you have a clear enough picture in your mind of the physical and/ or mental traits to look for in a young woman.
I’m really attracted to girls with more or less the same appearance as that girl i used to have a crush on for a long time, and i’m okay if she has a bit of coquettish side…. What i don’t like is if she looks like she forces herself to gain attention just like how that girl did on her social media, like she told me she’s not ready for a relationship but acts like she’s desperate for attention, it doesn’t make sense…. I prefer girls with a bit calmer side….
I noticed a long time ago that you are pretty good at communicating with people right here on your thread, including in your most recent post
Yes, i can say that i’m pretty good at communicating with people “online”, because it’s easier…. Whereas in real life i’m not that confident with my body and facial features… so i keep being cautious when i talk…. Like i don’t want people to make sure i have a asymmetrical teeth when i laugh… And also when we talk on real life we need to think faster….
What i’m curious is that, is relationships about an act of a man persuading a woman to follow his life?
Because in my culture here boys are most likely to stay in the same city with his parents or live in the same home. To take care of them on their older days. Whereas girls have more freedom so they’ll join her husband’s house…
For example: i have a little sister, if she marries someone from a different city/country, she’ll go there and leave our home…. While me, i’ll stay and my future wife will join me…..
There are several girls in my city that i find attractive, but most of them attend uni outside my city or a different country nearby my city… and i bet they plan to work there (not on my city)….
I plan to get to know them by texting on their social media….. and this is what worries me the most…. Idk if they’ll get persuaded to be with me…..
There are lots of reasons why they shouldn’t be persuaded, such as:
It’ll be a ldr relationship, i’ve experienced rejection from that girl who i used to have a crush on for a long time…. Idk to get rejected twice
My city is small and boring….
I still have lots of weaknesses (i know you said to focus on our strengths) and i’m unattractive….
also we get to know each other from social media and not from real life interaction…..
Do u have any opinions regarding this kind of situation?
This is also one of the lessons that i learnt: relationships are really that hard…. Sometimes we need luck too…. Family conditions also play a part in relationships…..