Dear anita,

Do u have any suggestions or tips regarding this issue?

Dear anita,

Ahh i see, so she hasn’t been active here for a while…

Regarding the girl i had a crush on for a long time,

Do u think it’s pretty dumb if i still have feelings for her, especially when i saw her posting a video of her singing (the song is dedicated to someone that she can’t be together with (i can paste the youtube link here if you’d like to hear the song lyrics 😅… and i’m pretty sure the song is for me (this isnt me being overconfident, but im really really sure its me))

Idk why she posted that after a year of no contact with me…
I always feel that she still likes me, but i never thought that she’ll post a video like that…

Before she posted that video, tbh i still have feelings for her but i can still control it, while trying to find new possible girlfriends…. But after she posted that i became blinded by her again… i cant control it….

What do u think of this situation?

This is a separate issue from the “monkey mind” right?

Dear anita,

Yeah, i guess i need to isolate myself from people for a while again… and try to calm my mind…

I think it’s not just about the regret, it’s also regarding the “comparison” mindset that i constantly apply in my life… it’s torturing…

Dear anita,

I believe my inferiority only starts when most of my friends are growing way taller than me….. before that period i’m an arrogant person and easily gets jealous of other people’s achievement….

Aside from the inferiority…

I’m thinking of learning how to draw digitally from skillshare….

But i need to pay every month….. so i’m in a dilemma if it’s worth it or not…. Because i’m a person who tends to lose interest if it gets tiring and hard…..

I tried learning how to draw from youtube few months ago….. i even bought myself a digital drawing pad….. but it’s so hard for my brain and eventually i give up……

It’s because i’m tired of my parents teasing me that i cant earn my own money…. and maybe i thought i can earn something from drawing digitally…..

But this idea isnt only for earning….. i really wanted to be able to draw since i was a kid, i was always fascinated with animators who can draw an interesting or cool cartoons…..

What do u think of this idea? Should i go for it?

Dear anita,

yes, I did learn over time, reading and participating in your many threads (in a few separate accounts) how your brain works. Here is key: the more you know how your own brain works, the better your life will be.

= Day by day i understand more and more on how my brain works…

Indeed as you’ve said before, my brain is filled with inferiority…. tbh sometimes i can contain this inferiority, the difficult part is that i’m a person who loves to get praised by someone (as i’ve ever mentioned previously that in my primary school days i always get good grades, and lots of people praised me, also at that time height isnt an issue at all)

Right now i’m confused on what should i do to get people to praise me, it doesnt have to be a praise actually… but i want people to view me as someone who’s good at something… because no one ever knew what my specialties are…. even my parents….

If i knew at that time, that they wont praise me for helping their business after graduating….. i wouldnt follow their advice on taking this degree…… And this gives me a mindset that if i have a child one day….. i’ll do a different method of guiding them on choosing their degree…… so he/she wont end up like me…

Few months ago i keep regretting on why i didnt take a degree in animation (i wanted to take animation that time, but my parents convinced me that it’s better to take business degree and eventually help their business)…. because if i took that degree…. people will label me as “someone who can draw, or someone who specialize in arts”……. Then at that time i bought myself a drawing pad that could be connected to my laptop….. But it’s really hard… i guess i have no talent in drawing… maybe it’s just an interest of mine that i love japanese cartoons (anime) which prompted me to have thoughts of taking animation degree….

I also consider to take graphic design that time…

I feel like if i took one of these degrees, i can get lots of positives:

– People will label me as an art person

– At least i can do something related to drawing by drawing for other people online…. while doing my parents business….

I consider of taking online classes related to design or animation… but idk if it’s worth it… because along the road i’m a person who easily lost interest if i find it hard….

Nowadays i also go to the gym to gain results which could make other people praising something about me…..

I really love praises…. and also achievements (if possible)….

The job i’m doing right now in the office is nothing special, like people without a degree could also do that…… that’s why i keep forcing myself to show to people that i have some kind of specialty….

But sometimes laziness controls my mind, therefore making me procrastinate…. i also need to get rid of this….

If you have this visual, maybe you will be able to imagine that it is possible for you too- one day in the future- to feel comfortable around taller people, men and women.

= i’m trying my best to to solve this problem…. because this kind of thoughts gives me dilemma….. e.g. like will i feel uncomfortable/disgrace with girls who has the same height as me (because most girls i’m attracted to has the same height (i guess i used to mention about this))….. or should i lower my demands and chase the shorter ones……

This may sound funny but i’m a person who’s still keeping my standard although i have inferiority thoughts….

I think social media also play a big part in increasing my struggles, as social media mostly are all about other people’s achievements and happy life….

I really like tracking my progress like this….. as i can see that i have made a lot of improvements till now…..

Dear anita,

Thank you for the birthday poem !

if I remember correctly, your uni friends didn’t send you cakes on your last birthday either. So, if I get it correctly, they sent you cakes when you were still attending uni together, but not since graduation, right?

= Nope my uni friends did send me a cake after i graduate (so in 2020 and 2021 i receive cakes)… this is the first year i didnt receive any cake from them….

Due to this situation, as you know how my brain works…

I felt some sort of regret that i’ve invested so much time with those guys…. like if i find another group of friend in my uni days i could’ve had a different sort of friendship and maybe if i took that path i could even have a girlfriend now…

Then i remember that i have social anxiety, and also i’m not confident with my body….. no wonder i befriend those group of friends…. because they accepted me… although in the end it ended up like this.

I always had a mindset that the type of girl who’ll accept me is a girl who’s not confident on herself… that’s why she chose me….. But then i realize that this is a low self confidence thinking… and i need to develop more confidence in me…..

I thought that i only can chase a girl who’s shorter than me……. and i’m too picky on choosing her face (it doesnt have to be pretty, but i have my own type)….

Even now with a “more confident” mindset, i’m still not confident in chasing a girl who’s the same height as me…

Also i need to engage in new activities (but my city doesnt offer lots of activities)… as in the last 2 years after graduating i havent met any “new” girls in town, so i dont know which girl to chase… At the same time, sometimes i feel comfortable being alone… watching tv in my room…. but i know i cant be like that, i need to go out an socialize as i wanna experience my first date.