Forum Replies Created
June 15, 2022 at 1:12 pm #402468
it makes sense honestly yes… But even though most of the things are something I already know, how can I be a person who is not drowing in guilt? How do I stop myself from people giving me the guilt? Is there a way?June 14, 2022 at 11:25 am #402424
It could be, it’s very logical being that way yes. But I want to stop taking responsobilities for everything that is not mine. I can’t control how someone comunicate or is behaving and I still feel quilty when something is wrong or unsucessful.June 13, 2022 at 3:32 pm #402376
I feel like I need to write on this one…
I did not end things with my long-ex-boyfriend until last week. I suppose I tried to make things work and give it one more chance. But we were in a secret relationship so we can see if this will function. I will say that his everyday behaviour (talking non-stop, seeing each other often) was improved, but something was always missing. Even though we didn’t fight and we were on a good relations most of the time I think that was mostly because we were:
2.Not obligated to do serious things like two people in a relationship and when not expected to such things, the vibe will be good because all that is left is just seeing each other, sex and stupid conversations.
Anyway, even though we were okay, there were things that were still crucial to me for example:
-he never said I love you back because he told me he was not ready yet. I waited, and he only told me once when he was tipsy.
-I was in another city for a month-two and I was inviting him to come and see me, we can stay there together at peace and he would always find excuses not to come. And lame ones, like I hate the road travel to get there, I can’t now (even though he wasn’t doing anything.) And even though he always does things like this: he would make future plans, and when the time comes for the plan to be realized he would find excuse.
-I’ve noticed that for a lot of things he would automatically find excuses not to do it or not to say it. Seconds after it was told what to do.
-he became frustrating to me because he doesn’t want to work still even though he is 26, and his excuse is he doesn’t want to spend the summer working when he can hang out with friends.
-and I felt miserable with him…cold, not loved, not appriciated, not cherished…. like after all these years I’ve finally broke the pink glasses and I couldn’t be in love with him. Everything he said/done it was childish and disgusting to me.
And like that I became distant… even though we were together I now that he was also. That’s why we function still! Because no one felt like the other one cared so much. At least in my part I felt like I wasn’t in love but I just couldn’t let go. And thing that bothered me was that I won’t go public with him because I don’t see any evidence that something will be better and he will do a lot of things for me. I felt like everything would be the same like I’ve realized that he won’t change neither public or secret.
I feel bad because I am talking only about him… but years of that abuse that he still doesn’t truly confess to…I just tried so many times to find the fault in myself but I would never justify his bad behaviour towards me.. I don’t think that someone who loves me would do those things he did in the past.
so to sum up, we had a stupid fight and after that we just stopped communicating. I ignored him because I snapped (I hate his conversations that are mocking me and he doesn’t realize it even though I tell him) and we didn’t talk for 2 days. After that I tried writing to him… and we had fight that consisted these words:
-I can’t do this anymore, I am sick because it’s private relationship
-you always potray me as the predator in front of everyone, and you are the victim (I can’t sleep because of this sentence and trying to find is it right or wrong)
-I don’t want us to do anything anymore I won’t be doing anything not even when we are public
All these things were his statements. And we still fight about the same things over and over again, he can’t let go of the past, he says that it is a deep influence, I say that he never sees himself and what he is really doing. I can’t explain to him that my fights, my words are the result of me feeling abused.
And we just started texting. Out of nowhere. I guess it’s over, I guess it’s the easiest way for us to break up because we can’t do it properly. I know that because I feel like it’s relieving that we didn’t say it officialy and I feel he feels the same way.
I want to know why I feel quilty. Why I feel like I am always the one to blame. Like I am always the bad one. I was doing everything I can for these 6 years and I just couldn’t do it anymore this 7th because I felt very bad with him. I think that my rose glasses are off and things are changing and that’s why I felt that way but I can’t face the blaming feeling I still have.December 29, 2021 at 3:45 am #390477
Dear anita and TeaK,
thank you for your lovely words and clarity. Helped me so much!
I hope you have wonderful holidays and Happy New Year!December 27, 2021 at 3:26 pm #390423
regarding the questions you asked me:
1. I don’t have a reason to give you why ive never met his parents. He never initiated to meet them or to be in a room with them. He never talked about meeting them. And when I tried talking about that he would say because our relationship is shit he isn’t planning on meeting them with me although he was saying that his grandma loved me so much and talked so exiting about me (how, when she doesn’t know me?) and that when we were broken up his father would say come on reach her a call get back together, that actually made me suspect that he was telling me things that I like to hear, maybe they never talked about me at all. It’s weird because his brother who is now engaged has always included his girlfriend everywhere and that made me so hurt.
p.s he knew my parents he met them, he attended many of my events
2. About the fights, well 2 years ago he came from USA on 30th December and I was asking him where are we going to celebrate New Year’s Eve. And he would always like for every going out or event delay the answer or giving me unexplained answers or ignoring me so I can become angry and he would shut me down with we are not going out now because you are so impatient. That made me sick to my stomach and I still remember the feeling how he made me feel crazy for feeling upset. So to get back to the story, it was day before new years eve, first of all he didn’t call me to say that he had arrive home safely, secondly he was delaying the answer about celebrating and he just said okay we are going to make something up tomorrow. He knows that I am not that type of person who would make plans 5 to 12 because it annoys me and it was also frustrating because my parents were asking me where we will be celebrating and I couldn’t give them an answer. So fast forward 31 December came and he slept till 4 p.m. i was waiting for him to get up. So when he texted me that he is awake I immediately asked him okay what are we doing tonight? He became angry saying I am so annoying without patience, crazy and always wanting to fight and ruin everything. That made me feel awful and so angry because I’ve felt like something is not right with me. And after he hanged up on me in this call, he never wrote me back, ignored my calls for 12 hours and broke up with me so cruel and cold and left me of NYE alone sitting and crying. I get shivers by thinking of this. It was disgusting.
So, to sum up, we had fights about every date we were planning because of his laziness, not interested in it or not committed and would get angry if I get angry and cancel it. In those rare times we would go out, he would be mocking me in the conversations or if we were with friends instead of being by my side I would always feel like he is making fun out of me. And If I wanted to comfort him he would say that I am always dramatic, we would fight for hours and hours and none of our fights are solved actually. I feel like i cant Talk with him about anything. He doesn’t understand me or he doesnt care. He just made me insecure and crazy. And he had that freedom to call me whatever he wanted and to be very cruel towards me with words that he never should’ve been with me etc. And when we would stop without solving anything, he would be sweet or kind and ignoring that anything happened and never apologised. Never. In the first years of our relationship i couldn’t understand him because he would appear and disappear like we weren’t a couple so I didn’t know if we were. (That leads us to my saying that our anniversary should not be on 24 December because you were always ignoring me and we never had a 1 year fully dating – he used that now as a reason for not celebrating). The first 2 years I was constantly texting him confused of what are we. When we met on some friends party he was very kind romantic and we would hook up and the next day was cold ignoring my texts and he would disappear again. And when I would be fed up and continue with my life, he would come back saying he loves me and was angry because I was living my life…. awful. Just awful reminding me myself of these things. It’s catastrophic and I can’t understand why he was and still doing this to me if his intention was never to truly be with me.
p.s I often thought that I am over dramatic and jealous and awful girlfriend because nowadays I’ve found the patterns I have from my parent’s relationship but I’ve realized that he made me feel unwanted, unsecure, unloved and my response to this not secure thing was totally normal. I wanted stability not games.
December 27, 2021 at 11:50 am #390406
- This reply was modified 6 months ago by aphroitte1.
Dear TeaK and anita,
You both are right. I guess all these years the love for each other is faded and we are just using the comfort place to sit in between someone of us says it’s enough and break it off for forever. After that fight I wanted to write him a text saying that he hurt me so much but he texted me cold, we talked little about that date, he still stated that it doesn’t matter to him now, that everything it doesn’t matter to him anymore. And that makes me furious of course because I can’t find the reason then why sitting with me. If he doesn’t decide to treat me right or do this time like it should then why both suffer? We continued talking but there is a distance between us, it’s cold and friendly, nothing much.
I am very sick and over this situationship because I can’t believe that in 7 years he never did show me respect and love. And without shame and guilt I am stating that because it’s true. He never did anything serious so I can feel loved and official. When I think of how I’ve never meet his family through these years, I’ve never attended holidays with him or properly celebrated without a fight. He never bought me gift (maybe 2 times and it’s sad to think of that because I loved buying him things and doing things for him, he loved). I was so unappriciated and I am so sorry for myself he made me think that all these years he made me think everything it’s my fault. It never was. Maybe he is not capable of love or he is totally incompatible with me.
And I’ve became so distant because finally after so many years I realized my worth, I gained small self respect and confidence and I am braver that before. And I know that bothers him. Because I am saying no to his bad behaviour and that will be the deal breaker for him. I am just happy that I am self conscious now about a lot of things and I am not blind and thinking oh, he loves me. No, he doesn’t. Even if he did in some point, his love hurt me. It was not that love that will make me grow, be happy and healthy. And I want that for me. My priority is being myself and happy and finally with peace.
Of course I am sad that it will lead to forever end because I’ve always fantazised about having kids with him etc. but growing kids with someone so close-minded and patriachial who doesn’t respect me and love me the way I should be loved would be equal to murdering our kids. I don’t want my kids to see unappreciated bad love in front of them and to think that is okay. I want to be the cycle breaker in my own parents patterns and in my love relationships.
In some way I am very happy and I don’t regret that what happened. I know that growing was meant at this moment not later or before.
December 25, 2021 at 6:58 am #390265
- This reply was modified 6 months ago by aphroitte1.
Thank you for your question. Sadly I thought that being with my ex before my friend-ex was going to be better. We were seeing each other for a month and a half, nothing official nor serious. But in this month I’ve felt that my ex is starting to behave the way he did years back. Same patterns, same white lies. And yesterday something happened that made me lose my nerves. 24th of December is our anniversary. We’ve never celebrated our anniversaries because he says that in the beginning I told him that I don’t count the date because we never had a stable normal relationship. So my excuse from years back was used yesterday from his side. I didn’t expect something to happen nor celebrate of course, but maybe the thought or seeing each other would be okay. And of course when he stated that this date doesn’t mean anything I was furious. He didn’t want to chat so he called me. He said the same thing again, that because of our fights and bad years we can’t celebrate that. And I said, okay so we won’t celebrate nothing anymore and just hanged up the phone. And I still haven’t heard from him nor I’ve reached out for him.
I am very dissapointed and I’ve just realized that this won’t change like ever. I could wait another 70 years and he still won’t show me love and treat me like I deserve to be treated. It’s not because he can’t, he doesn’t want to. I feel little quilty because I hanged up like that, but when I remember how many times he hanged up, never actually picked up the phone, ignored me, blocked me etc.. I just justify every anger I have right now.November 11, 2021 at 1:27 am #388427
Yes. I could do that! Thank you 🙂November 10, 2021 at 11:17 am #388419
What I am interested in is how to heal from all these traumas and attachements? How can I and will I repair from these codepency issues? Is it possible to be a healthy normal person and not attract people that hurt you?November 10, 2021 at 11:11 am #388417
Everything you have said it’s right. And I have analyzed the same things and led to same conclusions.
I feel panicky a lot to be honest. I know rationally that these relationship are draining me and are toxic. But I still feel the need to be loved from these person and still looking for validation from them. I am anxious a lot and I am trying to cope with rejection and feeling alone. I really don’t know how will I handle it but I know that it’s the right thing to do.
Anyways I am doing a Inner Child Challenge on Instagram with a girl named @elevatedbyem, she is doing these short daily videos and asks quiestion to write in your diary like :
What was your dream job as a child? Can you include elements from that passion into daily life?
What was your biggest friendship break up in the past? Relationship with your parents in the past? etc.
November 10, 2021 at 6:55 am #388405
- This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by aphroitte1.
Yes I indeed think that there is something wrong with hiding his girlfriends. Maybe it’s the thought of being free and having no commitment.
I certainly have either abandonement anxiety or something similar to that. These days I am working on journaling to heal my inner child, a process I’ve begun before all this started. And I think it was the perfect time for this. But I can’t remember how I’ve felt when I was really young, but I do remember how I’ve felt when I was 13-14, and in my late teenage years. I had a lot of fighting with my dad, we never spoken and never had a close relationship father-daughter. He would be so mad that I was having a boyfriend and that time and even if it was not about the boyfriend he would be angry and giving me silent treatment about something. He always expected of me to be perfect, well behaved and have perfect grades. I do remember being scared if I told him I’ve got 3 (that’s equivalent to C grade). I would be punished often and I was not able to go on picnics and friends hangouts when I was 12-13 because I was still young. And while everyone was hanging out I was staying at home. I also remember that I often felt not understood at home. I’ve never had close relationship with my parents and our love language is not physical touch at all. Sometimes, even today if my dad hugs me I don’t feel anything loveable I feel cold and weird in that situation and it bothers me.
Previous years, I had a trauma because my parents were fighting very bad at one point. There was one night with a very dramatic fight including words like: suicide, divorce, you don’t love me, you don’t need me (my fathers’ words). My sister was little at that time maybe 13 I don’t remember but I was so devastated and angry at my father because I still vividly remember the shock and scare he gave my sister. There was no fighting (meaning physical fight) but there was dramatic pushing, running, going away with his car and not calling back. Total disaster that escalated to feel cold towards my dad.
I am sad that they are this way and I acknowledge that I can’t be responsible for their action and feelings but their over protective attitude almost ( I can’t think of the world in english, we use it kept as in glass bell = meaning overprotective even dangerous for the kid because they don’t let anything happen to him). Because of that overprotectivness I think I had that self esteem issues, thinking that I am never good enough and being perfectionist. I developed OCD and that actually reflected in my relationships. And because of every fight my parents have and the threats that my dad will leave that leaves me to believe that is the biggest problem of having abandonment issues.
About the relationship patterns I’ve noticed that I am always drawn to boys that are patriachal even though they are the last thing I want to be with me. I’ve also noticed that my relationship were always somehow forbidden and hidden. For example:
1. My first boyfriend, I was forbidden to be with him because I was young (13 years) and his grandad was a serial killer. I know very ironic and bad situation, but they were afraid that he is brining the DNA with him. So, we were hiding a lot.
2. My second boyfriend, who I was with the most and my ex that recently texted me, we had a very bad relationship. I believed he was a narcissist but I am afraid that I may also have narcisstic traits. I’ve written about my ex 3 years ago here and it was a troublant relationship with a lot of break-ups, ignoring, bad words and emotional abuse I believe. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with me but kept going back to me and after some time he would say oh, I don’t think this is working. I feel very anxious and bad with you. And because of our numbered getting back together I became being afraid and ashamed to tell anyone we are back together. That led us to this situation now, even if we are grownups now we can’t be together because of other opinions including my parents.
3. There was a fling between these break ups and meeting my friend as a lover, where I personally, by choice hide the relationship in some way. Maybe because I was thinking that me and my ex would be back together. The boy was doing everything to make me happy, he was sincere and he would do literally everything, but I was not attracted to that. So after month of dating my ex showed up and I dumped this boy to be back with my ex who broke up with me again after sometime.
4. And my friend-lover, who was also hiding the realtionship. He seems very reasonable, grown up person, but with this choices I think he has his own traumas that he hasn’t be working on. He seems to be narcissist as well and patriachal so much. He doesn’t even know how to make coffee! In other areas he is well behaved and everything but when I think, I’ve never known about previous of his relationships. I just know about his ex, my friend also, because I asked him and his sister suspected. His family even doesn’t know about that!
November 9, 2021 at 2:22 pm #388395
- This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by aphroitte1.
Everything that is written is very true and I agree.
Yesterday we had a big fight I could name it about this and he openly told me that his ex is still an option in the future because everything would be easier (they can be together without hurting someone else). But that freaks me out because now he seems very selfish : in order not to hurt two friends he will hurt me. Which is devastating and I started not believing anything he says. Something always felt wrong because his words don’t match his deeds and that is my intuitive feeling. After all I gave up yesterday because I saw his true colors and I knew that something was very fishy. I don’t feel that it would be possible to stay friends after this. Maybe if we broke it off months ago yes, but now it seems like I saw all the layers that he had been hiding.
And there comes another problem when one is solved… My ex came back. I trust my intiution very well because I can feel and know when and where he will come back. And that happened two times already. He had written me on a app we are still friends in september then october and two days before I saw the messages. We were texting each other the whole day, how are you, what’s new, nothing very special and I’ve realised something.
I have very serious codependency/emotional attachment issues. I believe so, because when my other ex texted me I didn’t feel bad or hurt by the conversation with “my friend”. I was able to be rude and not to care, because I now have attention of someone else. I’ve noticed this problem when my ex stopped texting today. I don’t know what is the reason but I’ve started feeling anxious, stressed again. I have this psychosomatic problem with my stomach and I have stomach acid when I think of things like this. I still don’t know how to solve it. Anyways I am scared and I don’t like to be like this. Attached to people. I want to be okay to accept and let people go and not to feel this level od anxiety. I really want to be independent.November 1, 2021 at 1:47 pm #388071
yes, I was suspecting it too.
But how do I continue from this type of relationship? I mean we are going to stay in touch after all, maybe rare contact but still..How do I not get hurt by him moving on and having another girlfriend?November 1, 2021 at 1:38 pm #388069
I am asking myself, is it really an impossible situation? Are we going to be the bad guys here? It seems unfair to not fight for our love and tend to keep other people happy. I don’t see it as him, I think if you are very in love or you enjoy with someone you’ll make sacrifice because that makes you happy and your life. But he seems to deny that choice and choose to save his friends.
He wants us to be friends, even close friends after all this. But I feel like it would be very hard for me, thinking of him having another girlfriend..November 1, 2021 at 1:31 pm #388068
Maybe he still keeps his ex as an opportunity?
Or he doesn’t want them to be angry about this and to not lose them as friends.
But something feels very strange because his words are that I am the one for him but we can’t be together in any way.