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I needed to know because he gaslights me. Everything I say that I feel is disrespected and passed like nothing said.
Because of the pattern of their behaviors, I am afraid that something is wrong with me when being in a relationship. But both of these relationships were dominant by them, always secret, not offering me the love I want and the attention.
I don’t want to be the girl that is over sensitive but I feel very disrespected by them.
What to do now? With my friend-lover, I am afraid of how to solve this relationship, because his sister is my best friend. Yes, she doesn’t know about us, at this point I feel like shit because I have 24, he has 26 and I have a secret lover instead of being happy and free with someone. I need to lose my feelings and be okay with him moving on with other girls, probably me being at his wedding because I wouldn’t betray his sister, my best friend, because of this. I want to tell her everything, but I know that will be a war between us.
I want to solve this in the most rational way and be cold, distant, and okay with him, but with setting boundaries and being respectful towards myself.
With the friend with who I can’t be together, we were still hooking up sadly, it felt like an addiction. But something started changing, I never thought he would mistreat me (Idk if I am overreacting and that’s an issue for me). He started being cold, not kissing me or hugging me, being very sarcastic, and not texting me. When I would tell him that I feel like he is distant he would react angry, saying I am only crying about things never satisfied and that everything is the same but he still proceeds to act distant. Because of my anxious thoughts and saying my feelings to him, he ended things with me. But, there’s the catch: once he is saying that he is ending things because he has some own issues to work through, then he says is better to be just friends because I am fighting a lot, and later he says is because of my ex, we would never be together. In the meantime we would hang out with one of his friends, today exactly he invited me with his friend and every time I am with him and another friend he is talking about girls, about this one is good, this one is not, and he was doing the same thing when he was alone with me, and when I said that I am uncomfortable of that he would say that I am oversensitive and continues every time we would go out, having fun with me being angry of that. Today, as soon as I arrived they started making jokes about me, mocking me, he says is harmless but all they talk about was me, everything I say is mocking me. Of course, I turn angry and passive-aggressive at the table because I am very hurt. HE DOESN’T RESPECT Me. At this point, I don’t think that he loved me. I can’t believe that he is a jerk. And normally we would text after going out or anything, but now he hasn’t texted me, he waved goodbye while the other friend hugged me. I just can’t stop obsessing with him and his bad behavior. At this point I feel like it’s not because of the friend’s code to not go with the friend’s exes, but because he doesn’t want to even though he is saying that I am the woman he loved the most. I am furious. I don’t know how to react because I feel like I need to show him that I am not a victim and that he can play with my feelings. I want him to feel hurt by me as I am by him. I tried talking million times and the answer was: I don’t wish to sensitive cry babies.
I don’t know if I am the asshole that I am always complaining and being a cry-baby, but I don’t think that this is how a person who loves you treats you.
I know to be an overreactive and overthinker, currently, I am thinking of million scenarios in my head about why he is like this, and it’s killing me. But I want to be angry, JUST ANGRY, so I can move on from him and build my self-respect and deserve because he and my ex turned out to behave the same way.
Thank you so much!
“Stop the thoughts and Redirect your thoughts and attention to something else. What that something else might be, we can talk about it if you want.” – well I don’t know? Maybe focus ono something productive or doing yoga, draw, paint, go out something ? Or remind myself of the bad deed that person did to me and that my behaviour is justified, feeling hurt and stomach intuition is telling me something is wrong is not a guilt, that I am the one to blame?
I was on a vacation so I wasn’t able to reply.
As the time pass, I feel light and more rational. Of course I still have my doubts and bad feelings, I still think of him sometimes and if this was the right thing to do, but at the end of the day I feel happier than I was before and I think that it was I needed. I know that we weren’t happy together no matter how many times/how much we tried and he knows it too because we both continued with our lives just by ignoring each other.
When my head is cold I resolve some things and I know that I can’t be the only one to blame. Yes, I had my bad situations and bad behaviour also but I think that when you are not compatible with someone, and EVEN WORSE, treated poorly anyone would react the same way I did.
However in all of my relationships, all the types I take the blame for everything and I need to STOP. I know it will be hard and difficult to face that but not everything in other’s choices, behaviour, words is my fault. Mostly is their reflections, their difficulties they have in life and I have to accept that. I know that in my childhood I was always the one to be blamed for bad moods in our home. I wanted to be accepted as the way I was (introverted, not talking or hanging too much, wanting to have more time for myself etc.) and my parents weren’t embracing that, they were pushing me to be something I wasn’t. And that ALSO was not my fault, that my parents had limited knowledge and acceptance of things in people especially their kids. I know that I always blamed myself when I faced someone and respected myself enough to say when I am disrespected or hurt. When I told that people were angry and distant from me. Something that I learned from this is that people always want to be dominant and right so if someone confront them they will distance themself and that is not a friend/lover. And I always blamed myself when a relationship didn’t work (with my ex). I think that comes from all those time I gave in and trust and devotion to that and someone is ungrateful for that.
In conclusion, it’s going to be a long trip to release that blame on myself but I will work through it and to acknowledge it like a grown up person so I won’t have problems in the future.
it makes sense honestly yes… But even though most of the things are something I already know, how can I be a person who is not drowing in guilt? How do I stop myself from people giving me the guilt? Is there a way?
It could be, it’s very logical being that way yes. But I want to stop taking responsobilities for everything that is not mine. I can’t control how someone comunicate or is behaving and I still feel quilty when something is wrong or unsucessful.
I feel like I need to write on this one…
I did not end things with my long-ex-boyfriend until last week. I suppose I tried to make things work and give it one more chance. But we were in a secret relationship so we can see if this will function. I will say that his everyday behaviour (talking non-stop, seeing each other often) was improved, but something was always missing. Even though we didn’t fight and we were on a good relations most of the time I think that was mostly because we were:
2.Not obligated to do serious things like two people in a relationship and when not expected to such things, the vibe will be good because all that is left is just seeing each other, sex and stupid conversations.
Anyway, even though we were okay, there were things that were still crucial to me for example:
-he never said I love you back because he told me he was not ready yet. I waited, and he only told me once when he was tipsy.
-I was in another city for a month-two and I was inviting him to come and see me, we can stay there together at peace and he would always find excuses not to come. And lame ones, like I hate the road travel to get there, I can’t now (even though he wasn’t doing anything.) And even though he always does things like this: he would make future plans, and when the time comes for the plan to be realized he would find excuse.
-I’ve noticed that for a lot of things he would automatically find excuses not to do it or not to say it. Seconds after it was told what to do.
-he became frustrating to me because he doesn’t want to work still even though he is 26, and his excuse is he doesn’t want to spend the summer working when he can hang out with friends.
-and I felt miserable with him…cold, not loved, not appriciated, not cherished…. like after all these years I’ve finally broke the pink glasses and I couldn’t be in love with him. Everything he said/done it was childish and disgusting to me.
And like that I became distant… even though we were together I now that he was also. That’s why we function still! Because no one felt like the other one cared so much. At least in my part I felt like I wasn’t in love but I just couldn’t let go. And thing that bothered me was that I won’t go public with him because I don’t see any evidence that something will be better and he will do a lot of things for me. I felt like everything would be the same like I’ve realized that he won’t change neither public or secret.
I feel bad because I am talking only about him… but years of that abuse that he still doesn’t truly confess to…I just tried so many times to find the fault in myself but I would never justify his bad behaviour towards me.. I don’t think that someone who loves me would do those things he did in the past.
so to sum up, we had a stupid fight and after that we just stopped communicating. I ignored him because I snapped (I hate his conversations that are mocking me and he doesn’t realize it even though I tell him) and we didn’t talk for 2 days. After that I tried writing to him… and we had fight that consisted these words:
-I can’t do this anymore, I am sick because it’s private relationship
-you always potray me as the predator in front of everyone, and you are the victim (I can’t sleep because of this sentence and trying to find is it right or wrong)
-I don’t want us to do anything anymore I won’t be doing anything not even when we are public
All these things were his statements. And we still fight about the same things over and over again, he can’t let go of the past, he says that it is a deep influence, I say that he never sees himself and what he is really doing. I can’t explain to him that my fights, my words are the result of me feeling abused.
And we just started texting. Out of nowhere. I guess it’s over, I guess it’s the easiest way for us to break up because we can’t do it properly. I know that because I feel like it’s relieving that we didn’t say it officialy and I feel he feels the same way.
I want to know why I feel quilty. Why I feel like I am always the one to blame. Like I am always the bad one. I was doing everything I can for these 6 years and I just couldn’t do it anymore this 7th because I felt very bad with him. I think that my rose glasses are off and things are changing and that’s why I felt that way but I can’t face the blaming feeling I still have.
Dear anita and TeaK,
thank you for your lovely words and clarity. Helped me so much!
I hope you have wonderful holidays and Happy New Year!
regarding the questions you asked me:
1. I don’t have a reason to give you why ive never met his parents. He never initiated to meet them or to be in a room with them. He never talked about meeting them. And when I tried talking about that he would say because our relationship is shit he isn’t planning on meeting them with me although he was saying that his grandma loved me so much and talked so exiting about me (how, when she doesn’t know me?) and that when we were broken up his father would say come on reach her a call get back together, that actually made me suspect that he was telling me things that I like to hear, maybe they never talked about me at all. It’s weird because his brother who is now engaged has always included his girlfriend everywhere and that made me so hurt.
p.s he knew my parents he met them, he attended many of my events
2. About the fights, well 2 years ago he came from USA on 30th December and I was asking him where are we going to celebrate New Year’s Eve. And he would always like for every going out or event delay the answer or giving me unexplained answers or ignoring me so I can become angry and he would shut me down with we are not going out now because you are so impatient. That made me sick to my stomach and I still remember the feeling how he made me feel crazy for feeling upset. So to get back to the story, it was day before new years eve, first of all he didn’t call me to say that he had arrive home safely, secondly he was delaying the answer about celebrating and he just said okay we are going to make something up tomorrow. He knows that I am not that type of person who would make plans 5 to 12 because it annoys me and it was also frustrating because my parents were asking me where we will be celebrating and I couldn’t give them an answer. So fast forward 31 December came and he slept till 4 p.m. i was waiting for him to get up. So when he texted me that he is awake I immediately asked him okay what are we doing tonight? He became angry saying I am so annoying without patience, crazy and always wanting to fight and ruin everything. That made me feel awful and so angry because I’ve felt like something is not right with me. And after he hanged up on me in this call, he never wrote me back, ignored my calls for 12 hours and broke up with me so cruel and cold and left me of NYE alone sitting and crying. I get shivers by thinking of this. It was disgusting.
So, to sum up, we had fights about every date we were planning because of his laziness, not interested in it or not committed and would get angry if I get angry and cancel it. In those rare times we would go out, he would be mocking me in the conversations or if we were with friends instead of being by my side I would always feel like he is making fun out of me. And If I wanted to comfort him he would say that I am always dramatic, we would fight for hours and hours and none of our fights are solved actually. I feel like i cant Talk with him about anything. He doesn’t understand me or he doesnt care. He just made me insecure and crazy. And he had that freedom to call me whatever he wanted and to be very cruel towards me with words that he never should’ve been with me etc. And when we would stop without solving anything, he would be sweet or kind and ignoring that anything happened and never apologised. Never. In the first years of our relationship i couldn’t understand him because he would appear and disappear like we weren’t a couple so I didn’t know if we were. (That leads us to my saying that our anniversary should not be on 24 December because you were always ignoring me and we never had a 1 year fully dating – he used that now as a reason for not celebrating). The first 2 years I was constantly texting him confused of what are we. When we met on some friends party he was very kind romantic and we would hook up and the next day was cold ignoring my texts and he would disappear again. And when I would be fed up and continue with my life, he would come back saying he loves me and was angry because I was living my life…. awful. Just awful reminding me myself of these things. It’s catastrophic and I can’t understand why he was and still doing this to me if his intention was never to truly be with me.
p.s I often thought that I am over dramatic and jealous and awful girlfriend because nowadays I’ve found the patterns I have from my parent’s relationship but I’ve realized that he made me feel unwanted, unsecure, unloved and my response to this not secure thing was totally normal. I wanted stability not games.
- This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by aphroitte1.
Dear TeaK and anita,
You both are right. I guess all these years the love for each other is faded and we are just using the comfort place to sit in between someone of us says it’s enough and break it off for forever. After that fight I wanted to write him a text saying that he hurt me so much but he texted me cold, we talked little about that date, he still stated that it doesn’t matter to him now, that everything it doesn’t matter to him anymore. And that makes me furious of course because I can’t find the reason then why sitting with me. If he doesn’t decide to treat me right or do this time like it should then why both suffer? We continued talking but there is a distance between us, it’s cold and friendly, nothing much.
I am very sick and over this situationship because I can’t believe that in 7 years he never did show me respect and love. And without shame and guilt I am stating that because it’s true. He never did anything serious so I can feel loved and official. When I think of how I’ve never meet his family through these years, I’ve never attended holidays with him or properly celebrated without a fight. He never bought me gift (maybe 2 times and it’s sad to think of that because I loved buying him things and doing things for him, he loved). I was so unappriciated and I am so sorry for myself he made me think that all these years he made me think everything it’s my fault. It never was. Maybe he is not capable of love or he is totally incompatible with me.
And I’ve became so distant because finally after so many years I realized my worth, I gained small self respect and confidence and I am braver that before. And I know that bothers him. Because I am saying no to his bad behaviour and that will be the deal breaker for him. I am just happy that I am self conscious now about a lot of things and I am not blind and thinking oh, he loves me. No, he doesn’t. Even if he did in some point, his love hurt me. It was not that love that will make me grow, be happy and healthy. And I want that for me. My priority is being myself and happy and finally with peace.
Of course I am sad that it will lead to forever end because I’ve always fantazised about having kids with him etc. but growing kids with someone so close-minded and patriachial who doesn’t respect me and love me the way I should be loved would be equal to murdering our kids. I don’t want my kids to see unappreciated bad love in front of them and to think that is okay. I want to be the cycle breaker in my own parents patterns and in my love relationships.
In some way I am very happy and I don’t regret that what happened. I know that growing was meant at this moment not later or before.
- This reply was modified 7 months, 3 weeks ago by aphroitte1.
Thank you for your question. Sadly I thought that being with my ex before my friend-ex was going to be better. We were seeing each other for a month and a half, nothing official nor serious. But in this month I’ve felt that my ex is starting to behave the way he did years back. Same patterns, same white lies. And yesterday something happened that made me lose my nerves. 24th of December is our anniversary. We’ve never celebrated our anniversaries because he says that in the beginning I told him that I don’t count the date because we never had a stable normal relationship. So my excuse from years back was used yesterday from his side. I didn’t expect something to happen nor celebrate of course, but maybe the thought or seeing each other would be okay. And of course when he stated that this date doesn’t mean anything I was furious. He didn’t want to chat so he called me. He said the same thing again, that because of our fights and bad years we can’t celebrate that. And I said, okay so we won’t celebrate nothing anymore and just hanged up the phone. And I still haven’t heard from him nor I’ve reached out for him.
I am very dissapointed and I’ve just realized that this won’t change like ever. I could wait another 70 years and he still won’t show me love and treat me like I deserve to be treated. It’s not because he can’t, he doesn’t want to. I feel little quilty because I hanged up like that, but when I remember how many times he hanged up, never actually picked up the phone, ignored me, blocked me etc.. I just justify every anger I have right now.
Yes. I could do that! Thank you 🙂
What I am interested in is how to heal from all these traumas and attachements? How can I and will I repair from these codepency issues? Is it possible to be a healthy normal person and not attract people that hurt you?
Everything you have said it’s right. And I have analyzed the same things and led to same conclusions.
I feel panicky a lot to be honest. I know rationally that these relationship are draining me and are toxic. But I still feel the need to be loved from these person and still looking for validation from them. I am anxious a lot and I am trying to cope with rejection and feeling alone. I really don’t know how will I handle it but I know that it’s the right thing to do.
Anyways I am doing a Inner Child Challenge on Instagram with a girl named @elevatedbyem, she is doing these short daily videos and asks quiestion to write in your diary like :
What was your dream job as a child? Can you include elements from that passion into daily life?
What was your biggest friendship break up in the past? Relationship with your parents in the past? etc.
- This reply was modified 9 months, 1 week ago by aphroitte1.