Because of the pattern of their behaviors, I am afraid that something is wrong with me when being in a relationship. But both of these relationships were dominant by them, always secret, not offering me the love I want and the attention.

I don’t want to be the girl that is over sensitive but I feel very disrespected by them.

What to do now? With my friend-lover, I am afraid of how to solve this relationship, because his sister is my best friend. Yes, she doesn’t know about us, at this point I feel like shit because I have 24, he has 26 and I have a secret lover instead of being happy and free with someone. I need to lose my feelings and be okay with him moving on with other girls, probably me being at his wedding because I wouldn’t betray his sister, my best friend, because of this. I want to tell her everything, but I know that will be a war between us.

I want to solve this in the most rational way and be cold, distant, and okay with him, but with setting boundaries and being respectful towards myself.

Thank you so much!
“Stop the thoughts and Redirect your thoughts and attention to something else. What that something else might be, we can talk about it if you want.” – well I don’t know? Maybe focus ono something productive or doing yoga, draw, paint, go out something ? Or remind myself of the bad deed that person did to me and that my behaviour is justified, feeling hurt and stomach intuition is telling me something is wrong is not a guilt, that I am the one to blame?

it makes sense honestly yes… But even though most of the things are something I already know, how can I be a person who is not drowing in guilt? How do I stop myself from people giving me the guilt? Is there a way?

I feel like I need to write on this one…
I did not end things with my long-ex-boyfriend until last week. I suppose I tried to make things work and give it one more chance. But we were in a secret relationship so we can see if this will function. I will say that his everyday behaviour (talking non-stop, seeing each other often) was improved, but something was always missing. Even though we didn’t fight and we were on a good relations most of the time I think that was mostly because we were:

1.Secret.

2.Not obligated to do serious things like two people in a relationship and when not expected to such things, the vibe will be good because all that is left is just seeing each other, sex and stupid conversations.

Anyway, even though we were okay, there were things that were still crucial to me for example:

-he never said I love you back because he told me he was not ready yet. I waited, and he only told me once when he was tipsy.

-I was in another city for a month-two and I was inviting him to come and see me, we can stay there together at peace and he would always find excuses not to come. And lame ones, like I hate the road travel to get there, I can’t now (even though he wasn’t doing anything.) And even though he always does things like this: he would make future plans, and when the time comes for the plan to be realized he would find excuse.

-I’ve noticed that for a lot of things he would automatically find excuses not to do it or not to say it. Seconds after it was told what to do.

-he became frustrating to me because he doesn’t want to work still even though he is 26, and his excuse is he doesn’t want to spend the summer working when he can hang out with friends.

-and I felt miserable with him…cold, not loved, not appriciated, not cherished…. like after all these years I’ve finally broke the pink glasses and I couldn’t be in love with him. Everything he said/done it was childish and disgusting to me.

And like that I became distant… even though  we were together I now that he was also. That’s why we function still! Because no one felt like the other one cared so much. At least in my part I felt like I wasn’t in love but I just couldn’t let go. And thing that bothered me was that I won’t go public with him because I don’t see any evidence that something will be better and he will do a lot of things for me. I felt like everything would be the same like I’ve realized that he won’t change neither public or secret.

I feel bad because I am talking only about him… but years of that abuse that he still doesn’t truly confess to…I just tried so many times to find the fault in myself but I would never justify his bad behaviour towards me.. I don’t think that someone who loves me would do those things he did in the past.

so to sum up, we had a stupid fight and after that we just stopped communicating. I ignored him because I snapped (I hate his conversations that are mocking me and he doesn’t realize it even though I tell him) and we didn’t talk for 2 days. After that I tried writing to him… and we had fight that consisted these words:

-I can’t do this anymore, I am sick because it’s private relationship

-you always potray me as the predator in front of everyone, and you are the victim (I can’t sleep because of this sentence and trying to find is it right or wrong)

-I don’t want us to do anything anymore I won’t be doing anything not even when we are public

All these things were his statements. And we still fight about the same things over and over again, he can’t let go of the past, he says that it is a deep influence, I say that he never sees himself and what he is really doing. I can’t explain to him that my fights, my words are the result of me feeling abused.

And we just started texting. Out of nowhere. I guess it’s over, I guess it’s the easiest way for us to break up because we can’t do it properly. I know that because I feel like it’s relieving that we didn’t say it officialy and I feel he feels the same way.

I want to know why I feel quilty. Why I feel like I am always the one to blame. Like I am always the bad one. I was doing everything I can for these 6 years and I just couldn’t do it anymore this 7th because I felt very bad with him. I think that my rose glasses are off and things are changing and that’s why I felt that way but I can’t face the blaming feeling I still have.

Dear anita

regarding the questions you asked me:

1. I don’t have a reason to give you why ive never met his parents. He never initiated to meet them or to be in a room with them. He never talked about meeting them. And when I tried talking about that he would say because our relationship is shit he isn’t planning on meeting them with me although he was saying that his grandma loved me so much and talked so exiting about me (how, when she doesn’t know me?) and that when we were broken up his father would say come on reach her a call get back together, that actually made me suspect that he was telling me things that I like to hear, maybe they never talked about me at all. It’s weird because his brother who is now engaged has always included his girlfriend everywhere and that made me so hurt.

p.s he knew my parents he met them, he attended many of my events

2. About the fights, well 2 years ago he came from USA on 30th December and I was asking him where are we going to celebrate New Year’s Eve. And he would always like for every going out or event delay the answer or giving me unexplained answers or ignoring me so I can become angry and he would shut me down with we are not going out now because you are so impatient. That made me sick to my stomach and I still remember the feeling how he made me feel crazy for feeling upset. So to get back to the story, it was day before new years eve, first of all he didn’t call me to say that he had arrive home safely, secondly he was delaying the answer about celebrating and he just said okay we are going to make something up tomorrow. He knows that I am not that type of person who would make plans 5 to 12 because it annoys me and it was also frustrating because my parents were asking me where we will be celebrating and I couldn’t give them an answer. So fast forward 31 December came and he slept till 4 p.m. i was waiting for him to get up. So when he texted me that he is awake I immediately asked him okay what are we doing tonight? He became angry saying I am so annoying without patience, crazy and always wanting to fight and ruin everything. That made me feel awful and so angry because I’ve felt like something is not right with me. And after he hanged up on me in this call, he never wrote me back, ignored my calls for 12 hours and broke up with me so cruel and cold and left me of NYE alone sitting and crying. I get shivers by thinking of this. It was disgusting.
So, to sum up, we had fights about every date we were planning because of his laziness, not interested in it or not committed and would get angry if I get angry and cancel it. In those rare times we would go out, he would be mocking me in the conversations or if we were with friends instead of being by my side I would always feel like he is making fun out of me. And If I wanted to comfort him he would say that I am always dramatic, we would fight for hours and hours and none of our fights are solved actually. I feel like i cant Talk with him about anything. He doesn’t understand me or he doesnt care. He just made me insecure and crazy. And he had that freedom to call me whatever he wanted and to be very cruel towards me with words that he never should’ve been with me etc. And when we would stop without solving anything, he would be sweet or kind and ignoring that anything happened and never apologised. Never. In the first years of our relationship i couldn’t understand him because he would appear and disappear like we weren’t a couple so I didn’t know if we were. (That leads us to my saying that our anniversary should not be on 24 December because you were always ignoring me and we never had a 1 year  fully dating – he used that now as a reason for not celebrating). The first 2 years I was constantly texting him confused of what are we. When we met on some friends party he was very kind romantic and we would hook up and the next day was cold  ignoring my texts and he would disappear again. And when I would be fed up and continue with my life, he would come back saying he loves me and was angry because I was living my life…. awful. Just awful reminding me myself of these things. It’s catastrophic and I can’t understand why he was and still doing this to me if his intention was never to truly be with me.
p.s I often thought that I am over dramatic and jealous and awful girlfriend because nowadays  I’ve found the patterns I have from my parent’s relationship but I’ve realized that he made me feel unwanted, unsecure, unloved and my response to this not secure thing was totally normal. I wanted stability not games.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by aphroitte1.

Dear anita,

Thank you for your question. Sadly I thought that being with my ex before my friend-ex was going to be better. We were seeing each other for a month and a half, nothing official nor serious. But in this month I’ve felt that my ex is starting to behave the way he did years back. Same patterns, same white lies. And yesterday something happened that made me lose my nerves. 24th of December is our anniversary. We’ve never celebrated our anniversaries because he says that in the beginning I told him that I don’t count the date because we never had a stable normal relationship. So my excuse from years back was used yesterday from his side. I didn’t expect something to happen nor celebrate of course, but maybe the thought or seeing each other would be okay. And of course when he stated that this date doesn’t mean anything I was furious. He didn’t want to chat so he called me. He said the same thing again, that because of our fights and bad years we can’t celebrate that. And I said, okay so we won’t celebrate nothing anymore and just hanged up the phone. And I still haven’t heard from him nor I’ve reached out for him.

I am very dissapointed and I’ve just realized that this won’t change like ever. I could wait another 70 years and he still won’t show me love and treat me like I deserve to be treated. It’s not because he can’t, he doesn’t want to. I feel little quilty because I hanged up like that, but when I remember how many times he hanged up, never actually picked up the phone, ignored me, blocked me etc.. I just justify every anger I have right now.

What I am interested in is how to heal from all these traumas and attachements? How can I and will I repair from these codepency issues? Is it possible to be a healthy normal person and not attract people that hurt you?