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aphroitte1

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  • in reply to: Two friends who can’t be together #388405
    aphroitte1
    Participant

    Yes I indeed think that there is something wrong with hiding his girlfriends. Maybe it’s the thought of being free and having no commitment.

    I certainly have either abandonement anxiety or something similar to that. These days I am working on journaling to heal my inner child, a process I’ve begun before all this started. And I think it was the perfect time for this. But I can’t remember how I’ve felt when I was really young, but I do remember how I’ve felt when I was 13-14, and in my late teenage years. I had a lot of fighting with  my dad, we never spoken and never had a close relationship father-daughter. He would be so mad that I was having a boyfriend and that time and even if it was not about the boyfriend he would be angry and giving me silent treatment about something. He always expected of me to be perfect, well behaved and have perfect grades. I do remember being scared if I told him I’ve got 3 (that’s equivalent to C grade). I would be punished often and I was not able to go on picnics and friends hangouts when I was 12-13 because I was still young. And while everyone was hanging out I was staying at home. I also remember that I often felt not understood at home. I’ve never had close relationship with my parents and our love language is not physical touch at all. Sometimes, even today if my dad hugs me I don’t feel anything loveable I feel cold and weird in that situation and it bothers me.

    Previous years, I had a trauma because my parents were fighting very bad at one point. There was one night with a very dramatic fight including words like: suicide, divorce, you don’t love me, you don’t need me (my fathers’ words). My sister was little at that time maybe 13 I don’t remember but I was so devastated and angry at my father because I still vividly remember the shock and scare he gave my sister. There was no fighting (meaning physical fight) but there was dramatic pushing, running, going away with his car and not calling back. Total disaster that escalated to feel cold towards my dad.

    I am sad that they are this way and I acknowledge that I can’t be responsible for their action and feelings but their over protective attitude almost ( I can’t think of the world in english, we use it kept as in glass bell = meaning overprotective even dangerous for the kid because they don’t let anything happen to him). Because of that overprotectivness I think I had that self esteem issues, thinking that I am never good enough and being perfectionist. I developed OCD and that actually reflected in my relationships. And because of every fight my parents have and the threats that my dad will leave that leaves me to believe that is the biggest problem of having abandonment issues.

    About the relationship patterns I’ve noticed that I am always drawn to boys that are patriachal even though they are the last thing I want to be with me. I’ve also noticed that my relationship were always somehow forbidden and hidden. For example:

    1. My first boyfriend, I was forbidden to be with him because I was young (13 years) and his grandad was a serial killer. I know very ironic and bad situation, but they were afraid that he is brining the DNA with him. So, we were hiding a lot.

    2. My second boyfriend, who I was with the most and my ex that recently texted me, we had a very bad relationship. I believed he was a narcissist but I am afraid that I may also have narcisstic traits. I’ve written about my ex 3 years ago here and it was a troublant relationship with a lot of break-ups, ignoring, bad words and emotional abuse I believe. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with me but kept going back to me and after some time he would say oh, I don’t think this is working. I feel very anxious and bad with you. And because of our numbered getting back together I became being afraid and ashamed to tell anyone we are back together. That led us to this situation now, even if we are grownups now we can’t be together because of other opinions including my parents.

    3. There was a fling between these break ups and meeting my friend as a lover, where I personally, by choice hide the relationship in some way. Maybe because I was thinking that me and my ex would be back together. The boy was doing everything to make me happy, he was sincere and he would do literally everything, but I was not attracted to that. So after month of dating my ex showed up and I dumped this boy to be back with my ex who broke up with me again after sometime.

    4. And my friend-lover, who was also hiding the realtionship. He seems very reasonable, grown up person, but with this choices I think he has his own traumas that he hasn’t be working on. He seems to be narcissist as well and patriachal so much. He doesn’t even know how to make coffee! In other areas he is well behaved and everything but when I think, I’ve never known about previous of his relationships. I just know about his ex, my friend also, because I asked him and his sister suspected. His family even doesn’t know about that!

     

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by aphroitte1.
    in reply to: Two friends who can’t be together #388395
    aphroitte1
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,

    Everything that is written is very true and I agree.

    Yesterday we had a big fight I could name it about this and he openly told me that his ex is still an option in the future because everything would be easier (they can be together without hurting someone else). But that freaks me out because now he seems very selfish : in order not to hurt two friends he will hurt me. Which is devastating and I started not believing anything he says. Something always felt wrong because his words don’t match his deeds and that is my intuitive feeling. After all I gave up yesterday because I saw his true colors and I knew that something was very fishy. I don’t feel that it would be possible to stay friends after this. Maybe if we broke it off months ago yes, but now it seems like I saw all the layers that he had been hiding.

    And there comes another problem when one is solved… My ex came back. I trust my intiution very well because I can feel and know when and where he will come back. And that happened two times already. He had written me on a app we are still friends in september then october and two days before I saw the messages. We were texting each other the whole day, how are you, what’s new, nothing very special and I’ve realised something.

    I have very serious codependency/emotional attachment issues. I believe so, because when my other ex texted me I didn’t feel bad or hurt by the conversation with “my friend”. I was able to be rude and not to care, because I now have attention of someone else. I’ve noticed this problem when my ex stopped texting today. I don’t know what is the reason but I’ve started feeling anxious, stressed again. I have this psychosomatic problem with my stomach and I have stomach acid when I think of things like this. I still don’t know how to solve it. Anyways I am scared and I don’t like to be like this. Attached to people. I want to be okay to accept and let people go and not to feel this level od anxiety. I really want to be independent.

    in reply to: Two friends who can’t be together #388071
    aphroitte1
    Participant

    yes, I was suspecting it too.

    But how do I continue from this type of relationship? I mean we are going to stay in touch after all, maybe rare contact but still..How do I not get hurt by him moving on and having another girlfriend?

    in reply to: Two friends who can’t be together #388069
    aphroitte1
    Participant

    I am asking myself, is it really an impossible situation? Are we going to be the bad guys here? It seems unfair to not fight for our love and tend to keep other people happy. I don’t see it as him, I think if you are very in love or you enjoy with someone you’ll make sacrifice because that makes you happy and your life. But he seems to deny that choice and choose to save his friends.

    He wants us to be friends, even close friends after all this. But I feel like it would be very hard for me, thinking of him having another girlfriend..

    in reply to: Two friends who can’t be together #388068
    aphroitte1
    Participant

    Maybe he still keeps his ex as an opportunity?

    Or he doesn’t want them to be angry about this and to not lose them as friends.

    But something feels very strange because his words are that I am the one for him but we can’t be together in any way.

    aphroitte1
    Participant

    For the misunderstanding, before me they were dating secretly, I found out about the dating after we hooked up. And she still doesn’t know anything about me and him dating.

    That’s what really is bugging me, he keeps dating secretly. I don’t know any other girlfriend who has dated although he was saying that he had a past with many girlfriends.

    It was hard for me, to not be free in a relationship, to hide, because we are not children anymore, we can be in a relationship like anyone else. But he kept saying that our situation is difficult and it can’t be public. I’m furious honestly… Because he told me such stuff, romantic, believing him that we will find a way, and he just finished it. I have problem now that I don’t know how to stay friends, close (he want that, I also did…but it’s hard), and I don’t know how to behave with his ex who is my friend now and she is constantly in contact with me. It’s just feels painful because it seems like he choose her over me…

    aphroitte1
    Participant

    Everything you say I think it too. It makes sense honestly.

    We were secretly dating, no one knew. But the thing is he was secretly dating her ex also. He told me because his sister once suspected and I asked when we were together, so he said yes. So, in their relationship there were no reasons why not to be public but they still were secret.

Viewing 7 posts - 16 through 22 (of 22 total)