Hi Tee

Thank you for your insight!

I think you’ve got the jist of what occurred.

I don’t think anyone likes conflict. It’s actually really hard for me to talk to people about issues. I can’t even look at people during disagreements because I find it challenging and often cry. I was taught by my family to passively accept abuse and it’s not healthy for me to do so. For me, even though it is difficult, dealing with issues is the healthy thing to do.

The difficulty with avoidance is that it reinforces anxiety and confirms subconsciously that there is something to be afraid of. I have had many struggles of my own with avoidance and anxiety. My therapist taught me to fight that as the more we avoid, the more closed off we become towards the world and many opportunities / good experiences are missed.

Hi Eric

Regarding the gifts – this is another case where your opinion matters more than mine. What you believe will provide relief.

Do you think you made a good choice with the gifts? It’s okay to brag a little here 😉 Perhaps this is something else to add to the list of what makes you a good boyfriend?

I’m glad that being with your girlfriend has been a healing experience for you and you’re enjoying spending time with her in your city. I hope that getting to know someone who is kind and treats you well encourages you to meet more people who are also kind. That way you can build up a strong network of good friends.

Whilst you do have worries I notice that you are making good decisions for yourself. It’s great to see your confidence building. You are always welcome! 😊

Hi Eric

I’m glad your date went well! Stand up with adult jokes sounds wonderful. I’m glad she managed to make time for it.

It doesn’t sound like you made a mistake giving the gift of letters and pictures before Valentine’s Day. It is a very sweet and thoughtful gift. Perhaps her comment could be to do with it’s not Valentine’s Day yet, so she wasn’t expecting a gift? It’s not really a bad thing.

It’s good that you remembered that she isn’t comfortable expressing her feelings around other people. Perhaps this is why her reaction was normal? Your plan to exchange gifts in a private setting sounds like a good one.

I think the bonus of getting the letters and pictures early is that it can take time to read and look through them all. It’s a nice way to set the emotional frame up for Valentine’s Day.

Hi Tee

Thank you for your explanation and for your time. I know that we haven’t communicated much but I value your opinion as you often give members excellent feedback. I appreciate that you tried to reach out when I left. I noticed your message when I returned, but I didn’t reply because I thought Anita would be bothered if the thread was active.

Your explanation makes sense. I can see now that Anita was sharing an overview of her thought process. That makes it less painful.

I find objective third party opinions very helpful, I often ask friends how they perceive situations. There is not only one way to see things, my experience is only one small part of a larger whole. My experience is subject to change as my understanding does.

Please feel free to share your thoughts about the conflict.

I know that I wish Anita had discussed her feelings outside of a time when I was feeling very hurt and defensive. It’s not really conducive for a calm and empathetic conversation. I wasn’t able to be present for that conversation in the way that I wanted to be.

Hi Csihdu

It’s good to hear that you are both in therapy. Ideally, if your partner were emotionally ready to do so, that is what would happen.

However, it sounds like he has a lot of difficulty standing up to abusive behaviour. He may be afraid of rejection himself.

The reality of such situations, is that my mother chose not to have contact with both myself and my husband purely because she refused to get past her own issues.

Ceasing contact with his family is something that emotionally he might not be ready for. This is something that people have to choose for themselves.

I know it hurts that he allows and chooses to participate in this behaviour. Who knows, in time with therapy his behaviour might change.

I’m glad that otherwise your relationship with your partner is pretty good.

It might be helpful to discuss how you plan to manage celebrations because him doing everything with his family and shutting you out completely is unfair. You might want to discuss him talking about his experiences with his family if you find it upsetting.

My sister is still in contact with our mother and I have a good relationship with my sister. We have an arrangement that she does some celebrations with us and some with our mother. To make it fair. I also asked her not to discuss time spent with our mother. This makes me feel more comfortable.

Wishing you all the best 🙏

Hi Norit

I’m deeply sorry for your father’s passing, as well as for the situation you and your brother are in with your mother. It is very tricky indeed.

Realistically, what can you both do but try and help support each other through this? Your mother will not live forever. What alternative is there? She will have no quality of life left to her own devices.

It’s going to be important for you both to schedule time for yourselves outside of any caring responsibilities.

It’s unfortunately that planning how to deal with all of these changes in responsibilities is interfering with your grieving process.

It’s understandable not to want to be thrown back into this deeply unpleasant situation but sometimes we have to do things that we don’t want to do simply because it is the right thing to do.