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Helcat

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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 320 total)
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  • in reply to: Not good enough for any girl #404675
    Helcat
    Participant

    Also, I’m sorry that someone told you that very human desires for sex or a partner are wrong. They are natural parts of life.

    in reply to: Not good enough for any girl #404674
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Silent Rossi

    I agree with you about online dating. The statistics for men are shockingly awful to connect with matches. I do believe your goal to meet someone in person is a sensible one.

    I understand where Jupiter is coming from. Personally, I refused to date anyone who didn’t take the time to get to know me as a person because asking me before they knew me felt very superficial.

    One difficultly of befriending people and then dating is that people can lead you on. So my recommendation is not to leave it too long before asking someone out. A month is more than enough.

    As a woman, I found it difficult when men befriended me, only to ask me out. Then abandoned the friendship when I said no. So it’s important to consider if friendship is something that you are happy to continue with someone who says no. It’s also important to accept no as an answer and emotionally move on.

    Dating is very tricky because it is a lottery. When someone says no, it doesn’t reflect poorly on you. Even the most attractive men get rejected.

    We all have ideas of what we are looking for in relationships on top of chemistry. My question to you is what traits do you think are important in a partner?

    For me, kindness is important because abuse sucks. Talent/skill/passion are very attractive. Communication skills are generally important. Mental and physical health are beneficial. Confidence is also attractive. Taking care of your appearance (wearing well fitting clothes, styled hair etc) is a good way to show that you care about yourself. I think responsibility is an important trait when it comes to serious relationships as ultimately the plan is to build a life with a partner.

    in reply to: Please Help Me #404673
    Helcat
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi aVoid</p>
    To me, it sounds like you could have PTSD. I had a similar experience and for a large chunk of my life, I felt similarly. Empty, emotionless, lacking motivation.

    Emotional numbing or repressing emotions often develops during abuse when it is not safe to express feelings. It can also be a coping mechanism to avoid feeling very intense emotions.

    A trauma therapist can be helpful to learn to connect to these difficult emotions in a healthy way.

    A specific symptom of depression can be a lack of interest in activities that you used to enjoy.

    Do these sound like experiences that you identify with?

    Hmm I tried various things with insomnia. I found melatonin helpful. Have you tried it yet? It is a sleep hormone that occurs in people. You can purchase it as a supplement. A very low dose 0.5mg is often recommended to mimic normal hormone production. But you can take more if needed. Some people find valerian root helpful. I wasn’t a fan though.

    It’s taken a long time to train myself and develop sleep hygiene to get past the insomnia. Music was very helpful for me to relax and distract my mind. Anything that relaxes you can be helpful. It will take some time but I encourage you to experiment and develop a sleep hygiene routine  that works for you.

    When I’m very stressed I break out all of the tools, music, a cup of herbal sleepy tea, candles and teddies. It might be silly, but whatever works as long as it helps. I hope you get some sleep soon!

    in reply to: Not good enough for any girl #404593
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Silent Rossi

    If you stand on a street and ask people out you will disproportionate volume of rejections. Rarely, will women say yes in that scenario. It depends what things are like in your area. Speed dating can be a good option. Or if there are any meet ups for friendship, or hobby groups it might be a good idea to develop these things more organically. There is always online dating.

    Because of the economy people are living with their parents in their 30s unless they have a partner or roommates. I don’t think there is any shame in being a student. Would you be interested in part time work on the side?

    Personally, I think dating people who are going through challenging circumstances is a good way to get a sense of their personalities. There is e a saying that you don’t know what someone is truly like until you’ve lived with them and seen them experience hardship.

    I think the thing you might get the most judgement for from potential partners at your age is being a virgin (depending on culture). But you don’t necessarily have to divulge that personal information.

    My advice is to work on socialising in general. Make some good friends and you never know, you might meet someone you like. Plus this is a good way to get to know people and screen out abusive types. The downside to this method is it takes time. Actively dating you will meet more potential partners, but the quality can be iffy.

    Helcat
    Participant

    Last night, I watched a movie about dementia called Father starring Anthony Hopkins. Mental note, don’t watch sad things before bed. I think it upset me because I had a bad dream. Then this morning, I was texting a friend that also has PTSD and they were having an episode.

    This was enough to trigger my PTSD which reared it’s head during meditation.

    I see a lot of people on this forum with very low standards for how they should be treat by romantic partners.

    I’m very lucky to have filled my life with love and learned to reject unsuitable partners. But once upon a time I had similar issues.

    I didn’t know what being treat well even looked like and my mind craved experiences that maintained my depression.

    But I didn’t like being treat badly, wanted to change and thanks to therapy. I learned to identify poor behaviour. Little by little, I developed standards and learned to protect myself. I started to believe that I deserved to be treat better and I learned to be firm in my boundaries when people attempted to cross them.

    Everyone deserves to be treat well, with genuine love and kindness instead of the wishful thinking that goes hand in hand with mistaking poor behaviour for love. But most of all, developing love for yourself means that you don’t need to rely on others to do that for you.

    I’m going to treat myself with kindness today and acknowledge these old feelings of hurt, allowing them to be and let them pass.

    in reply to: fiance is from a foreign country #404364
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Arie

    Sorry, I think I actually misread something that lead me to falsely believe that he left shortly before the marriage was arranged. I have memory issues and it is hard to keep track sometimes.

    It sounds like there is a lot going on. However it turns out, I hope you get some closure.

    in reply to: fiance is from a foreign country #404358
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Arie

    Did he push for legalising the marriage? Or did he only push for the Nikah ceremony which isn’t enforced by law. My understanding is that some men not all, use the Nikah ceremony as religious permission to have sex with an individual.

    I agree with Anita about finding out his intentions. Good luck figuring everything out! You do indeed have a lot to think about.

     

    in reply to: fiance is from a foreign country #404342
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Arie

    It occurred to me, that in a traditional relationship (only) 3 months. Hooking up is pretty normal. You’re both really strangers. In my opinion, what made him run was the idea of getting married after 3 months. Would you be open to slowing things down and having a more traditional relationship where you take the time to get to know each other without the pressure of legal commitments at such an early stage?

    in reply to: fiance is from a foreign country #404337
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Arie

    I’m really sorry that this is dragging on for you, extending your heartbreak.

    My understanding is that he is staying in a different state from you? Has he expressed an interest in moving back? Otherwise it sounds like he wants to establish a casual relationship where he uses you for sex.

    It is very easy to be polite and express interest in people’s lives. Personally, I wouldn’t trust his intentions. Because he wants to have sex, doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to get back together.

    in reply to: Any tips in how to solve communication problems? #404293
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Eric!

    Sorry I was taking a break from tiny buddha.

    It sounds like you have been very busy! I was glad to read that you are working on developing new skills and hobbies. Spoke to a member at the gym and became interested in a girl.

    It sounds like you are making healthy decisions regarding no longer pursuing that girl since she hasn’t shown interest.

    Regarding the graphic design. There may be local charities who need help with graphic esign, if you don’t mind volunteering. It’s a good way to build a portfolio.

    You are right, relationships and finding a partner are very tricky. But not impossible!

    Something that has been helping me recently is visualising what I want to happen in detail.
    Apparently, it triggers the same brain cells etc as if you were doing the task.

    I am learning to drive at the moment. I have been learning for a couple of years now, but I have a learning difficulty that makes it more difficult to do so.

    I have been making notes of mistakes that I make after lessons and visualising doing the action correctly. I find that this practice has been helping. I’m finally at the stage where I’m preparing for my practical test.

    We learn by making mistakes, but it can lead to success!

    in reply to: How do I stop pursuing men that lead me on #404281
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Rammi

    I’m sorry to hear about your heart break. I believe that you keep going back because you care about him and seek his love.

    Unfortunately, I don’t think he has any to give. You mentioned that he said he felt pressured to say things that would make you happy. To me, this means everything he said while he was drunk is a lie. A convenient excuse. It was something he said to avoid blame. To permanently end any expectations of the relationship progressing any further, while at the same time saving face and pretending like he is a good person because he claimed to love you.

    When I was younger I had similar issues. But I set a rule. No going back. If we break up it’s over. I’m very clear with people about this. It avoids game playing.

    In time, you will heal from this. You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t treat you poorly, who doesn’t hide you. Who doesn’t disrespect you by leading you on. Please let yourself be open to that wonderful future and stick to your guns. Never pursue a relationship with that man again.

    in reply to: Family #404253
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Neha Gupta

    What a wonderful analysis. I’m wondering, what kind of family do you have? Is there anything that you would like to discuss?

    The world can be cruel and full of injustice. By the time we are adults many of us have suffered in one way or another. It can be rare to meet people that care about being consistently kind to others. More often you meet people that are kind sometimes, other times not so much. Or people that take glee from treating others poorly.

    Personally, I like to be away from family drama and keep to myself. I’m certainly much happier when I do so. I much prefer the company of consistently kind people.

    in reply to: Starting new relationship while having BPD #404179
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Marija

    Are you seeing a therapist at the moment? If not it might be a good idea to reconnect and discuss this situation. It might ease your anxiety. I think that your concerns are very healthy. But perhaps we are not the best people to discuss this with due to circumstances that occurred with your last relationship.

    Wishing you all the best! Take care x

    in reply to: Voices in my head and around me #404178
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi David

    Spiritual practices, practiced without guidance can lead to issues such as psychosis, chi sickness, Shen / the mind breaking -whatever your prefer to call it. My advice, stop whatever practice you are doing. Seek a mental health professional for advice. When you are recovered seek a teacher so that you can practice safely.

    If you are taking any mental health medication or have withdrawn from it that could explain any electrocution sensations. Then again, these sensations could be related to whatever is going on. Visiting a TCM practitioner might be a good idea too if you feel that your energy is out of balance.

    in reply to: Time to end friendship? #404132
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi JemJem

    Thank you for explaining!

    I can understand that you didn’t want to be controlling. The time might have passed to ask Emma to cease contact with Tara, since now they have been friends for years.

    Do you think it might be worth having a conversation with Emma about these feelings that you have been having?

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 320 total)