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Helcat

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Viewing 15 posts - 556 through 570 (of 736 total)
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  • in reply to: Buddhism Journal #399686
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Everyone!

    Thank you for your quote as well Anita. I often use that prayer when I am having difficulty accepting things. Perhaps I should practice it more often!

    Today, the lotus sutra shared a tale of a bodhisattva. He burned his arms in prayer giving up his attachment to them as a commitment to achieve enlightenment. His followers were upset by this and he comforted them sharing his reasoning and adding if his commitment is true his arms will be restored, thusly they were restored.

    The sutra details that giving of ourselves is a far greater gift than any land or commodity.

    I am not fond of affirmations but I have written one to practice. I give myself permission to be happy. I shall also practice the serenity prayer regularly and see where this takes me.

    in reply to: Buddhism Journal #399681
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi everyone!

    It is good to hear that the cat will have a new home!

    What an apt quote Peter.

    Still reading the lotus sutra! A king sought enlightenment, he abdicated his throne and committed to be the slave of someone who would help him achieve it.

    In this way, he gave up his desires and attachments by tending to the wise sage, his new master for many years. Who in turn taught him the lotus sutra and with it the former King gained enlightenment, becoming a Buddha.

    The sutra described his many duties as a slave and it made some sense to me. As well as learning and teaching the sutra, being present without attachment was important. Teaching was described as a condition for enlightenment. As a tutor, this was intriguing to me. There is a level of focus with teaching that means you must let go of thoughts of anxiety. Though, I believe in regards to the lotus sutra it has more to do with helping others navigate the path of enlightenment.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Helcat.
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Lea!

    Practicing assertiveness can help with the people pleasing because it is about politely setting healthy boundaries.

    It is a fine line to balance being social while disagreeing with people. There are subtle ways to do it. First of all you don’t have to approve of anything you disagree with. Sometimes no response can be more tactful. Assertiveness can also help politely redirect someone. Failing that, walking away works. You can always jump back into a conversation when the topic changes to a more pleasant one.

    What helped me to do things that I don’t enjoy is to regularly focus on the reasons why I benefit from doing them. For example, tidying up rubbish. I have pets, if I left it, they could chew on it or try to eat it. I don’t want them to do that. Making the bed, I have allergies and pets. To relieve my allergies I must change the sheets!

    What are the subjects you don’t enjoy? Any reasons why?

    Taking regular breaks is important when studying to maintain concentration. Perhaps you could do your best to enjoy your breaks? Or some people like to make studying a bit nicer by putting on music or nibbling on some treats. Try some different things and see if you have any preferences that make it a little more bearable.

    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Lea!

    I like the sound of those clubs you suggested. You clearly have a lot of passion.

    In my opinion, the best way to get over anxiety is to confront it in a safe way. You could make some plans for going to these clubs. Check some places out and work your way up to talking to people if that makes you feel more comfortable.

    It is good to remember that it can take 45mins to an hour for anxiety to subside. It can be helpful to allow yourself time to acclimate. Feel free to leave if you want to.

    It sounds like your parents do their best to provide for you but there are elements of verbal abuse present. No doubt habits that were picked up during their generational trauma.

    I don’t think you’re being sensitive, I think they are dismissing you when you try to stand up for yourself when your feelings are being hurt.

    Fortunately, not everyone in the world behaves in this way although sadly many do. Good people generally stop doing something when you tell them it is hurtful.

    You have a lot of empathy and seem like a caring person. I hope that meeting different kinds of people is helpful! I’m sure you will have a lot to talk about. You have a lot of empathy and are a very caring person.

    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Lea!

    It’s nice to meet you! I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties with bullying and social anxiety.

    I think aside from the usual advice and therapy what helped me the most is exposing myself to positive experiences and kind people. When people support you it starts to turn that negative internal narrative around. You start to believe what they say and that you deserve better.

    Believe me, you do deserve better! You are very hard on yourself, it is hard when you are anxious around others yet also fighting yourself. It feels like you are defeated before you even try. Perhaps practicing self-compassion is an area to work on?

    Would you like to work on meeting kind people?

    What are your interests and hobbies?

    I’m also curious about your relationship with your family. What is it like since I’m assuming that you only have contact with people at work and your family? Is this assumption correct?

    I would also like to provide a little information about anxiety and avoidance. Avoiding things that cause anxiety tends to reinforce fear. When we avoid it we feel relief which internally confirms that we were correct to be afraid. Only by gradually and safely confronting our fears do they begin to lessen.

    Learning about the communication skill assertiveness was very helpful for me when I was learning to set boundaries. There is a good website called skills you need that might be helpful.

    in reply to: Work Decision #399568
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Greenshade!

    Were you ever compensated for the additional unpaid hours that you were working during the transition to a new role?

    If you were not paid for that depending on the country you live in this is illegal on your employers part and you could potentially sue to receive compensation.

    Is working there really a great opportunity? I think your plan sounds great! If you choose to leave you can always be very polite when doing so and not discuss the reasons.

    Potentially, the company’s bad treatment of you has left a sour taste in your mouth. Understandably so. Perhaps if all of the rest had not happened it would be a different situation and you would have had different feelings about the work ethic and holidays? What do you think?

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Helcat.
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Helcat.
    in reply to: Any tips in how to solve communication problems? #399565
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Eric

    Thank you for replying!

    They probably stopped because you showed no interest in talking. If you initiate they may resume interest.

    Have you tried the small steps of saying hello to the people you don’t speak to?

    What is your favourite thing to talk about to friends that you are more comfortable with?

    It can be difficult to talk about Tv shows unless you find common interests.

    Shyness can come across as lack of interest or rudeness sometimes. This is why it’s helpful to tell people that you are shy and enjoy talking to them. They will forgive a lot if you give them a good reason for your behaviour.

    in reply to: Buddhism Journal #399557
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Everyone!

    Today I read the parable of the jewel in the robe.

    This resonates with me quite a lot.

    I do not want much. Part of me wants for more but another part is content with a sliver of happiness.

    Deep down I am afraid of asking for more, afraid of being free enough to be truly happy.

    I feel like society is not concerned about happiness. It is concerned with how we should behave. Perhaps that is what I am concerned with too?

    I guess, the truth in that text is that what we need is within us all along.

    Some good news since I have been on this path, I am noticing a decrease in habitual suicidal ideation.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Helcat.
    in reply to: Buddhism Journal #399555
    Helcat
    Participant

    @anita

    Thank you for your thoughtful post and sharing your insight! This is definitely something that I need to work on. Acceptance can be difficult for me. I am very stubborn and I believe in my ability to change things. This has lead to me attempting to change and overcome difficulties throughout my life.

    But perhaps the nature of change itself means that I do not always have to try to force my way through a situation. All I have to do is wait for the anxiety to cease.

    I would say that I experience something similar to what you described.

    I agree, and it is as important to apply those guidelines to ourselves as well as others.

    How is the cat?

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Helcat.
    in reply to: Buddhism Journal #399554
    Helcat
    Participant

    @Peter

    You have a way with words.

    My destination is rather intangible. I have hope but I don’t think that far in the future. All I can do is try to approach with an open mind and learn what I can.

    I like your dancing metaphor. To me, I am terrible at dancing. But this can easily be substituted with any skill. There are some things that I can happily do without thinking. Yet, some things I need to practice and repeat before anxiety will cease. Would you say the spirit of what you shared is incorporating lessons into daily life and enjoying the present?

    I will try the technique you suggested!

    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Dude

    No people don’t usually experience similar circumstances. There is a reason why this experience makes everyone but you uncomfortable.

    There were cameras involved this immediately suggests two things a) a sexual connotation b) bullying. Attempting to coerce him by offering money to bounce directly reinforces these connotations.

    What happened was wildly inappropriate. I don’t think that he will ever forget it.

    That being said, this is the first time you have expressed remorse about what happened. Finally understanding the harm caused however painful is a step in the right direction.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Helcat.
    in reply to: Buddhism Journal #399516
    Helcat
    Participant

    @anita

    Thank you for the link. It is very helpful!

    Yes and like the parable of the medicinal herbs we all have different stages of learning and unlearning.

    I think that would be a wonderful way to interact with the world.

    One thing I have noticed is that I am becoming more aware of thoughts and emotions that disturb my mind.

    I think because of the difficulties that I experienced for many years I was used to heightened states of stress. Over the past few years I have been working to steadily lower my stress response. But I still have a habit of an excessive anxiety response to small issues.

    Haha my cats do not work for their food. I have a very lazy cat who would be content to never exercise or go outside. The other one isn’t so lazy and likes to exercise. She even gets upset when the weather isn’t good.

    The easiest way I can think of would be to buy some tasty wet cat food or a favourite treat. If you sit and wait patiently the cat should calm down and go eat. Good luck with the scared kitty!

    in reply to: Buddhism Journal #399507
    Helcat
    Participant

    Anyone is welcome! I don’t mind a little disagreement. It just means that they are passionate about the topic. I plan on posting daily.

    I am still reading the Lotus Sutra. There are many chapters about the Buddha and his students. Today I learned about the leader in the desert metaphor. He knows the way through the desert and many people follow him. But they get tired following. So he creates a mirage so they can rest. Except it was the idea of resting that refreshed them. The mirage was dispelled and they continued the journey.

    Very much similar to what Anita was saying yesterday about the idea of fun relaxing her.

    This idea chapter made me feel both happy and sad. Sad because I’m tired and have difficulty relaxing. But happy because I’m hopeful that I can learn. It is like trying to meditate when I’m stressed. Difficult to find the off button to focus.

    On a side note, my cats love it when we meditate and always try to sleep on our laps. I read that cats sleep for a large part of the day. I wonder if they meditate?

    in reply to: My Sticky Situation #399482
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Kyle!

    Wow I’m sorry to hear that you experienced a lot of trauma throughout childhood. Events like bullying, parents separating and even moving out of state are part of everyday life but they are considered traumatic.

    It must have been very difficult growing up  separated from your father and bullied throughout school.

    It can be difficult for people to visit out of state regularly. But I don’t think there is any excuse for cancelling when you were supposed to visit.

    It may seem like a silly question since you don’t have a relationship with him anymore. But do you feel unloved by your father? If so how does that affect you?

    I am also adopted and have a complicated family situation. In my experience, these things can create a lot of difficult feelings.

    I can tell that you are a good son that loves his mother.

    All people are flawed and have weaknesses. It is possible to love someone and for them to do things that hurt us sometimes. It is also possible to love someone and not agree with everything that they do.

    It sounds like your mother has very high standards. Sometimes people do this to protect us, but it can also be hurtful when we find that we don’t measure up.

    Lots of people make similar mistakes when they are young and even when they are older. Unfortunately, making mistakes is a normal part of being human.

    My advice is if defensive feelings arise and if you feel like you want to tell a lie to protect yourself, rather than tell a lie you could remove yourself from the situation. Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom always works for a speedy getaway.

    If you feel anxious or defensive about confiding sensitive things to your mother. Perhaps you could try talking to her and say what you have shared here? That you have difficulties and want to work on telling the truth that sometimes you lie when you feel defensive and it would help you a lot if she would try her best to stay very calm when you tell her these sensitive things.

    Perhaps you could come to an agreement between you both about what would be helpful? Maybe your mother could delay her response when you confide sensitive truths? Or if it would be easier to write what you want to share? Anything at all that you both would find helpful.

    in reply to: My Sticky Situation #399477
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Kyle!

    Was there a reason that you didn’t see your father for months? In a typical co-parenting relationship the time with each parent would be split 50-50.

    How did your mom respond when you asked as a child to spend more time with your father?

    It sounds like you were bullied in high school. Would you agree? Children and teens can be very cruel to each other.

    I don’t know if what you surmised about how your friendships ended is true. I’m not suggesting that you are lying. But relationships come and go a lot in life. Perhaps no matter how you behave they would have ended? It is unfair to blame yourself for that. There are at least two people in a friendship. The other party is also responsible for keeping or ending the friendship.

    Sometimes in school we have a limited choice of friends and we are just with anyone who will accept us. They might not even be good friends.

    Did you know that you were adopted as a child? Do you have any feelings about being adopted?

    I don’t think it seems like you are painting your mom out to be a bad person. Quite the contrary, you are defending her. I am not trying to suggest that this is your mom’s fault. But there generally reasons behind the way we behave.

    You mentioned that you feel shame and that you break your mother’s trust when you make mistakes.

    Are there any other mistakes that you’ve made relevant to your mom other than the false report and the difficulties with school work?

    You mentioned that you feel shame about these situations and that lying is your mom’s pet peeve and she gets mad. More and more as time goes on.

    A common reason why we learn to lie or hide our behaviour is when people respond poorly when we tell the truth. Another reason could be that it was your father that initially encouraged this behaviour.

    Personally, I can understand why a little boy who barely gets to spend any time with his father can be coerced into saying something untrue in the hopes that they would spend more time with their father.

    What happened was unfortunate, but it also wasn’t wholly your fault. It would have never happened if your father hadn’t coaxed you into action. You were manipulated.

    I think you have a lot of good character to want to change this behaviour stemming from childhood.

    Honestly, you aren’t the first person to lie about difficulties with school work. This is understandable too! It’s not ideal, but it’s not the end of the world.

    Did your mom put any pressure on you to succeed in school?

    It sounds like you carry a lot of shame. The difficulty about emotions is that sometimes we believe emotionally, something different from what logically we know to be true.

    But when a mother rejects you because of mistakes it is easy to internalise that. In your mind her being mad is understandable, but in your heart you feel shame and mistrust.

    It can feel like love is conditional, something that we don’t deserve when we make mistakes. What do you think?

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Helcat.
Viewing 15 posts - 556 through 570 (of 736 total)