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Helcat

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  • in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #422698
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Stacy

    No worries, take your time! Good luck with the car and work issues.

    Wishing you all the best! 🙏

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #422616
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Stacy

    A continuation of my reply earlier.

    I would say that your ex liking every single a Tinder matches photo since 2015 is concerning. I think logically you know this. Even if he did most of it in the past before he dated you, it sounds like he was still doing it during the relationship. His behaviour could suggest an obsession with this person. It’s not a nice feeling to be dating someone obsessed with another person.

    He did you a disservice by dismissing how you felt about these issues. I’m guessing that you were being considerate and gentle with bringing up these issues and asking him to stop linking her sexy photos. A gentle inquiry was easy for him to refuse. Did you go a little deeper in your enquiry? If not, why not? Were you afraid of upsetting him? It’s tough because when people try to avoid discussing serious issues, sometimes you do need to push the issue and be direct about what is hurting you.

    I can see how much pain you’re in about all of this. I think it’s really important when you’re in a lot of pain to try really hard to practice self care. Is there anything that usually you find comfort in? For me, this is talking to friends, petting my dogs and cat, walking the dogs, going outside (I really hate being stuck indoors), watching tv. Everyone has their own unique needs. What do you need that comforts you?

    I’d like you to read this next part when you have a calmer moment.

    So when we experience a lot of verbal abuse in our lives, we internalise it and begin to abuse ourselves. One trick to changing this behaviour is taking a key theme and practicing repeatedly negating that.

    Hearing other people say nice things to us and reassure us cracks the door to the possibility of the negative thoughts being wrong. But it’s practicing intentionally challenging your own negative thoughts that changes the belief that you hold about yourself.

    You expressed a lot of different themes. Picking one reoccurring thought in your own words is most helpful. For me, it was I’m not good enough.

    I would suggest only practicing the following exercise when you are feeling calmer. I found it can trigger abusive thoughts otherwise, which isn’t helpful.

    So for me, the phrase I challenged was not being good enough.

    Step 1: What is a good person? What does it mean to you?

    Step 2: What is a bad person? What does it mean to you?

    Step 3: Do you share any traits in how you describe a good or a bad person?

    I found a balanced approach to be helpful at first because my mind would totally reject being overly positive initially. I think I found considering things equally and logically made it hard to deny the good things about myself. I worked up to being totally positive after a lot of practice.

    Step 4: Now that you’ve identified some good traits. Record evidence of these traits occurring in daily life. I found this to be a difficult task initially. Starting out small can be helpful.

    For example, a stranger dropped their keys and I returned them. I treated my friend dinner. When X person was sad I comforted them.

    Another helpful tool, was writing down compliments other people gave me.

    Over time, repeatedly doing these activities can be helpful in changing internal beliefs about yourself.

    When we abuse ourselves and have low self-esteem we don’t see ourselves for who we actually are. These exercises help us to acknowledge the good things about ourselves that we habitually ignore.

    I don’t think you’re like your family. I think you’re like a flower stubbornly growing in the desert or the darkness reaching towards the light. You have faced challenging circumstances your whole life, ones that would make a less capable driven person give up and  become cruel. You persist despite your challenging circumstances and you do so with kindness.

     

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #422604
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Stacy

    I think it’s really healthy and important that you are allowed to express painful feelings.

    Did you ever hear the common saying that it takes half as long as you were in a relationship to get over it? So you dated for a year? That would mean that taking 6 months to process the break up is normal.

    It’s really awful that you’re in a situation where friends and family are so wildly uncomfortable with people expressing normal healthy emotions. It’s abnormal to suppress feelings. When sad things happen, it’s appropriate to be sad. That’s what I meant by these feelings being normal.

    No one should yell at you for having feelings. It’s really appalling to me. I’m so sorry that people are treating you like this. It’s like you’re being shamed for how you feel. I wish that I could tell them off for you and tell them if they don’t have anything kind to say, they should say nothing at all.

    I think that what your ex said was very telling. I’m jealous too. I wish that I was attractive and travelling the world.

    He’s very much telling you that he finds her attractive. All along, you have expressed concern about him being attracted to other women.

    I think this is slightly different from liking sexy photos of someone he didn’t have any connection to. I think when there is a connection it’s actually hurtful. He’s got a habit of liking sexy photos of women he knew. It’s not like pornography. I can understand why you would feel threatened by that.

    My husband was in communication with his ex that abused him when we started dating. He had a hard time expressing to her that he was actually hurt by the things she’d done. It made me uncomfortable because in the back of my mind I was afraid that they might get back together. I think the reason I accepted the communication and wasn’t as threatened by it was because of the abuse. I thought he needed time to process and actually stand up for himself. Eventually, he did!

    It’s a different situation from what you experienced, but it’s very normal for people to have these feelings of concern about their partners having connections with others.

    I think that you deserve a kudos for not overreacting. Contrary to what your ex believed. There are some people who behave unreasonably. Trying to ban contact with those they feel threatened by. There are some people who habitually check their partners phone because they don’t trust them. It’s different when your partner openly shows you.

    I think that your request not to like sexy photos was a very appropriate boundary. You show a healthy understanding of boundaries and care for how your feelings impact others. I think because you’re aware of your insecurity insecurity issues you kept a watchful eye on it.

    Wishing you all the best! 🙏

     

    in reply to: Frustrated #422595
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Luna

    I’m going to put a trigger warning up at the top here, for the next relationship story I’m going to share at the end. So people know to stop reading if they don’t want to read something that is a sensitive topic and might make them feel uncomfortable.

    I’m doing better thank you! How are you feeling?

    I’ve always enjoyed the format of forums for the same reason. It’s nice to write something longer, thoughtfully at a slower pace sometimes.

    Autumn is actually my favourite season too! I enjoy when the leaves change colour and fall from the trees. I walked by a lot of rich houses with trees on my way to school and there would be crispy fallen leaves on the path. I enjoyed shuffling through and kicking them. Such a simple pleasure. It reminds me of being a child again. It’s also not too hot and not too cold, so that’s a bonus.

    Are you planning on going on vacation this autumn/winter? Or do you have anything that you’re looking forward to?

    That is true, boundaries are very fluid in personal relationships. It’s a process of two people coming together and reaching an agreement on things, or not and parting ways. I tend to prefer professional relationships in the workplace for this reason. There are strict standards for behaviour. Personally, people’s perspectives vary a lot on which behaviours they find acceptable.

    I would agree about not being too rigid in the filtering stage, as you call it.

    Yes, the mixed signals about whether someone is trying to flirt or be friendly can be frustrating. I think it’s also difficult because some people are not straightforward if they like someone and can be afraid to let people know that they like them if they’re not sure the other person likes them back. Then again some people just enjoy flirting and don’t particularly want to go anywhere with it.

    You mentioned that one difficulty you are having is finding someone who is on the same page as you about what makes a healthy relationship. I’m curious about what your idea of a healthy relationship is?

    I agree, I think that’s why this forum is a great place, people can share in a safe space and get the opportunity to meet lots of kind people.

    I’m glad that you’re enjoying my relationship stories. This next one is a not so fun a story, but sometimes dating is difficult.

    I’m going to include another trigger warning here so anyone reading will know where the sensitive part is coming next.

    So basically, there was this guy I liked who was a friend and I thought he liked me. He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. We fell into a friends with benefits style situation briefly. It wasn’t my cup of tea. I suffered from low self-esteem and was told by my biological mother that this is what men wanted. Ultimately, the situation was too upsetting for me because previously I was a virgin and there were some consent issues because of abuse as a child. I wasn’t confident enough to outright say no to someone who didn’t make an effort to check if I was comfortable. After a couple of times I called the whole thing off because I was just getting upset afterwards.

    I hope that wasn’t too tough to read. Wishing you all the best, it’s a pleasure talking as always! 🙏

    in reply to: Standing up to narcissist at work backfired? #422573
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Umaz

    I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties with your coworker and that they’ve put your job at risk. How are you feeling and coping with the instability at your job? Please take extra care of yourself during this difficult time.

    I have a quick question for more context. Are there any issues with redundancy at your work?

    I’m trying to gauge if he’s been sharing accurate information or not.

    Some people are very straightforward and do share accurate information even if it is negative.

    For example, I worked at a place with high turnover due to various issues. Most people who worked there were always looking for work elsewhere. When new staff were hired, for survival existing staff communicated what some of the issues were.

    At my husband’s old company, everyone knew and talked about potential layoffs when the company ran into issues.

    It is one of these things that people do talk about when there are issues.

    Can you think of anything else that might be causing low morale in the team?

    Unfortunately, as a manager it is your responsibility to handle difficult employees calmly, as well as various other difficulties too. It’s no easy task to manage a difficult employee!

    As a human, arguments are understandable. But as an employee, they can get you fired.

    Him only addressing other managers at meetings is disrespectful though.

    It’s hard to say whether he was trying to be helpful or not by communicating that you might not be cut out for the role. Did you ever have any other issues with the coworker before you became manager?

    Do you feel his comment about your emotions was a trigger for you? Does his behaviour remind you of anyone that you have had difficulties with in your personal life? I only ask this because this is something that I have experienced with coworkers I’ve had difficulties with.

    Wishing you all the best! 🙏

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #422534
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Stacy

    I think with your recent ex you’re placing too much responsibility on yourself. People struggle with the same issues they’ve always had in relationships. Likely, he’s always struggled with difficulty during natural conflict. He strikes me as a wishful thinker in positive times. I don’t think he meant harm during conflict. He just wanted you to feel better with minimal effort. Whilst he had his own issues and unhealthy behaviours. I don’t see things on the same scale as your abusive ex.

    I’m so sorry to hear about your 4 year relationship with your abusive ex. Some of the things he said to you were awful. No wonder you experience difficulty with being assertive and boundaries.  He emotionally beat you down to the point where you didn’t believe in yourself.

    There’s a lot of information out there about assertive communication and ways to manage relationship conflict in a healthy way. A website I used to teach myself about it is called Skills You Need. It provides lots of theory, examples and it’s free.

    You’re right, ultimately no one has to make any changes that they don’t want to. But if you think about healthy relationships, they’re about compromise. It’s not about making unreasonable requests, that would be controlling and abusive. But reasonable requests a partner may choose to consent to, because it enhances the relationship.

    For example, with trust issues. I too don’t like the idea of flirting and I’m aware it does sometimes happen in relationships. My husband chose to consent to my request because it was reasonable, I was in no way attempting to limit his contact with his friends. He was aware that if he didn’t, I would likely continue to be concerned by his friends calling him pet names which would add unnecessary stress to the relationship. It’s all about working together to reduce stress. He cared about my comfort in the relationship.

    I totally agree with your concerns about the previous ex with the Instagram account with the sexual pictures of barely legal girls.  It would make me uncomfortable too. I am aware that some men think it’s okay to lust after younger women who are of legal age. Ethically, I don’t because of the age difference and differences in maturity. These are valid concerns.  He was gaslighting you when you confronted him about these issues.

    I don’t think you’re a negative person Stacy. Yes, you have anxiety and trust issues. There’s nothing wrong with that. Many people have similar issues, though they can manifest in different ways. I see these things as a product of your environment. You’ve experienced so much in your life. That ex you had lacked empathy for all of the painful experiences you’ve been through. Instead of praising your strength for doing your best to work your way through it all. He tore you down which is disgusting to me.

    It comes more naturally for people with easier lives to be more confident. For people who have experienced a lot of trauma in their life these things are more difficult and take effort and active nurturing to achieve.

    I’ve come from an abusive background growing up. I think the main thing a therapist did was challenge my unhealthy thoughts and teach me to spot abuse from others. Her belief in me as a person was very healing.

    Outside of therapy I did a lot of work on my own to heal parts of myself that struggled with self-worth. This meant practising being kinder to myself. Restructuring and reframing negative thoughts. Lowering my anxiety. Forgiving and accepting myself. Working on personal development, so I could like myself as a person. Practicing meditation. Developing skills in assertiveness and practicing maintaining healthy boundaries.

    After doing these things, I felt like I had all of the right pieces, but it didn’t click and fit in my head. Practising loving kindness meditation was the final step for me. I focused on nurturing positive loving feelings for others and in time that extended to myself.

    At the end I realized that simply pursuing these changes, and starting this journey is an act of self love. Even if you don’t feel the results yet.

    I was wondering, if you have a central negative thought about yourself? Mine was not feeling good enough or feeling unlovable.

    You are truly a beautiful person Stacy! Your strength and kindness despite the difficulties you’ve experienced is inspiring.

    Wishing you all the best! 🙏

    in reply to: Frustrated #422529
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Luna

    Sorry for the delayed reply. It’s been a bit busy for me recently. I will always write as soon as I’m able to though!

    Yes, it’s getting dark really quickly here. I’m not afan of winter because of how dark it gets for most of the day. When it’s dark my body wants to shut down and rest. As opposed to summer when it’s very light for ages and I want to do things in the evening.

    That’s very kind of you to say!

    Yes, unfortunately unhealthy dynamics are pretty common in relationships. It’s definitely a challenge to navigate. That’s why having strong boundaries is very important. Being in touch with your emotions is important too, because they let you know when boundaries are being crossed. If the way someone treats you makes you feel badly, it’s important to think about what happened and take appropriate action. And you have to be able to speak up and say no, when something makes you uncomfortable.

    I think it’s just as important to consider what you don’t want in a relationship as to consider what you do want.

    Yes, I’ve also had difficulties with mixed signals. When you talk about difficulties with mixed signals, do you mean finding it difficult to tell if someone is flirting? Or difficulty gauging interest in a relationship? Or something else?

    Dating can honestly be difficult these days. People are very open about wanting sex, but not a relationship. Or wanting to see multiple people at the same time. I think what I found difficult was finding someone that I was interested in, who was also interested in me and also interested in having a relationship and also practiced healthy dynamics in a relationship.

    If you find my stories of relationships interesting I will share my second boyfriend with you.

    It didn’t last very long. He was a little older, funny and nice, but his hygiene was not that good. I found that he was more interested in the physical side of things than I was and that made me a bit uncomfortable. He always backed off when I asked him to. We had the nicest breakup I’ve ever had. I said that I needed to talk to him about something.  He said I think I know what you want to talk about. How about we just have a nice day, one last time? And I agreed. We had a lovely date and stayed friends afterwards. I think that’s the most mature and healthy break up I’ve ever had.

    To be honest, I started dating because my mother pressured me to. I wasn’t really interested in dating initially.

    Wishing you all the best! 🙏

    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Anonymous03

    Just continuing with some additional thoughts.

    I’m glad to hear that you don’t argue very frequently with your boyfriend. Once every few months is quite good. However, it seems like the past couple of times when arguments do happen, it has been quite bad.

    I’m glad that he’s improved his behaviour in other areas like the leaving mid chat.

    I can see why you were so hurt, not only did he bring up your ex, he mimicked your ex’s behaviour reminding you of the bad break up. I don’t know if the latter was intentional or not. Does he know much about that break up?

    I can see why you’re concerned especially with the past 2 arguments being really painful and hurtful. I think that also makes it hard to let go of. These aren’t regular boring run of the mill arguments where you’re squabbling about something small and silly. It has actually been genuinely hurtful.

    And with the arguments happening so infrequently, and being intensely painful, it’s easy to remember what the argument was about.

    I would say that one good thing is that you can both comfortably take some time to discuss things at a later time. It’s a very good tool for descalating.

    I think you did a really good job standing up for yourself with the discussion about the recent argument! Very well done!

    I think you came up with an excellent strategy of shutting down arguments where your partner has been drinking.

    I think the important thing to remember is that other than the infrequent intense arguments, the relationship seems to be in a great place. Would you agree?

    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Anonymous03

    How are you doing?

    My apologies for the delay in replying. It’s been a unique couple of days for me. I wanted to be fully present to reply since you wrote such a thoughtful and detailed post.

    I don’t mind the length at all, you’ve laid things out very clearly, so it’s easy to read.

    I just wanted to start off by saying that you have an amazing level of awareness of both yourself and others. I think you’ll make a great therapist!

    You actually brought up some interesting points that made me reflect on my own behaviour during arguments. I’m not as self-aware of my own behaviour as you are. I started thinking though, that when behaviour changes during an argument, or just before it and I use certain cues that I only use during arguments. I imagine it could set people on edge, as opposed to having a more relaxed discussion which would encourage people to reflect that and be more relaxed themselves.

    I can understand the initial apprehension and the desire to prepare to discuss when your partner has hurt your feelings. My husband used to share that pattern of invalidation, deflection and blaming earlier in our relationship. He had difficulty apologising because it felt like losing the argument to him. I think he also felt blamed.

    It was difficult because it felt like a battle to be heard. I don’t know if you empathise with that feeling?

    Very well done on spotting the connection between alcohol and arguing!

    I’m going to have to finish my reply tomorrow because it is getting late. But those are some of my initial thoughts.

    How are you feeling about the argument now that you’ve had some time to process?

    Wishing you all of the best! 🙏

     

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #422427
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Stacy

    It sounds like the break up has shaken you and made you doubt yourself. You mentioned that you don’t feel like you can move past this unless you believe that your trust was broken.

    You’re not sure if asking your ex not to like sexy pictures was warranted. The closest experience I have had to that is earlier on when my partner and I were first dating he had lots of female friends (he still does). Anyway sometimes they used cute nicknames like honey and babe. I didn’t check his phone but he would pass his phone to me and show me funny videos and pictures and a text would occasionally pop up saying these things and it would make me uncomfortable. So he would show me the conversation when this happened to reassure me and it was otherwise normal. I still asked him to set some boundaries with his friends not to call him honey or babe while he was dating. He agreed with said that was fine. There have been no issues since because everyone is quite happy to respect that boundary which helps make me feel more comfortable.

    Everyone is different and has different things that bother them. Part of dating is accommodating each others needs and boundaries as long as they’re reasonable.

    I think it’s reasonable to feel uncomfortable when your partner likes sexy pictures on social media. It’s not something that makes me personally uncomfortable. But I do understand how it could make other people uncomfortable.

    Your partner used the excuse that he didn’t think he would be able to promise that and keep that promise.

    But I think what is important in a partner is not that they do everything perfectly. Just that they try and do their best.

    Anything sexual with his previous history of porn addiction that behaviour could have been a long term struggle for him to manage if he tried.

    I think a lot of people have long term struggles with specific issues. My husband is loud and raises his voice a lot when he’s excited, shocked, or upset. Because he this behaviour is present throughout his daily life it’s difficult for him to entirely eliminate during arguments. I have PTSD, so when he raises his voice during periods of conflict, it’s a trigger that upsets me. I shut down because I’m overwhelmed and he gets upset because he worries I’m trying to ignore him like previous partners have. He really does try his best to manage his behaviour, but he isn’t perfect. I try and manage my behaviour and recover as soon as possible, but I’m not perfect. No one is perfect and that’s okay. You can still be pretty amazing and not perfect at the same time.

    When two people have conflicting issues it’s impossible for one person to resolve. Both people need to try. I think you’re a reasonable person. You would have been happy if you felt like he was trying.

    For you, perhaps the long term issue was insecurity? Would you agree?

    I think lying about his trans friend from work is clearly breaking your trust too. He should have been honest about things that would have concerned you, but he wasn’t because he wanted to avoid talking about it.

    What’s ironic is by refusing to deal with these situations he caused a lot of problems in the relationship. Individually  these are fairly small things. He could have done his best to try to alter his behaviour with the pictures and been simply been honest about his coworker friend. He could have asked his friends not to smoke around you and introduced you. He could have easily picked up the phone and called you.

    I had a friend who was like your ex, in that he was uncomfortable with conflict and would say anything he thought the other person wanted to hear to get him out of it. Yet, he wanted to change nothing. This lead to me getting fed up with being lied to and ultimately, I ended the friendship.

    You have a wonderful gift Stacy, to be able to make the person that you’re talking to feel special. I think over time, he started to realize the impact the issues he was causing had on the relationship. It’s possible that he felt like he was disappointing you.

    You’re a very patient and empathetic person. Combined with your uncertainty about maintaining your boundaries. It sounds like you don’t tend to be the person who ends relationships. You would have tried to work things out.

    But sometimes, even if you love someone things don’t work out. I once had to leave someone I loved because they refused to talk at all about difficulties in the relationship. They just shut down entirely and ignored me for a month.

    I don’t think you meant nothing to your ex. I don’t think the good times that you had together were lies.

    There were multiple factors at play which lead to the relationship ending.

    Lifestyle –  his weed addiction would have been impossible for you to live with. I’ve had people live with me smoking weed before and I also have asthma. It honestly sucks even when they’re only doing it outside, the smoke is strong and clings to them when they come inside.

    His mental health – was clearly a large reason why he had difficulties with accommodating you in the relationship.

    Would you like to discuss difficulties you’ve had with other relationships ending?

    Wishing you all the best 🙏

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #422408
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Stacy

    I’m sorry to hear that you are having difficulties grieving over the loss of the relationship. I hope that in time things get easier and your sleep and appetite recover. I’m sorry that your mother is being impatient with your grieving process. She really should be more supportive and understanding. That’s all anyone really wants from their mother. It’s a shame that she’s not healthy enough to provide you with that.

    That psychological safety being important with softer foods and liquids makes a lot of sense to me. Where you still have these choking issues but you have that understanding that you won’t die from eating them.

    Fruit is generally rather acidic. That may be part of the reason you have difficulties with smoothies? Banana and melon are popular low acid fruits. Figs and dates are too. Bananas are a little risky for me if they’re not ripe enough, the starch content and pH changes as they ripen.

    I’m really sorry to hear that the cost of your medication skyrocketed like that. It’s really unfair. The medical debt situation sucks too. I’ve been there myself.

    I hope that you get that full time job in December. You truly deserve it!

    Back to your ex! It sounds like he also provided a sense of psychological safety to you. You mentioned that he provided emotional support and he said lots of nice things to you. It was also nice for you to imagine a future together. These things are all important to people. It’s nice to imagine a positive future when things are tough in the present. Everyone needs someone in their corner supporting them and being kind. These are things that it seems like you lack in your daily life. It makes sense to mourn the loss of that. In time, you will find these things elsewhere though.

    Despite not feeling like a capable woman. I believe that you are extremely capable and resilient. Lots of people would be broken by the things that you’ve experienced. You’ve had a difficult life and still do to this day!

    It’s not that you’re incapable, you literally have survived and are currently surviving extremely difficult circumstances. It makes sense to feel overwhelmed by everything that is going on, it is overwhelming. Yet, you have this drive inside of you that refuses to be snuffed out. You refuse to give up, like others around you have. You work your ass off every day!

    You deserve a lucky break so you can put your good plans into action! You honestly deserve all of the good things in the world!

    I think that the reason you had a boyfriend with qualities that you admired is because you also share similar qualities. You are intelligent, empathetic, thoughtful and articulate. Honestly, I think you have even better qualities than your ex does.

    You struggle with validating yourself. That’s understandable, when we lack environments that do that. It’s hard to develop those skills. But I think you are well on the way! You have that hunger and that drive inside of you. Meet kind people and in time, it will come.

    in reply to: Frustrated #422366
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Luna

    How are you doing, my friend?

    It’s very wise of you to recognise that we all experience the same lessons. I think the benefit of being able to recognise that is you can learn from the problems that others have.

    Thank you for your encouragement, I’ve always wanted to write a book! It would be cool to get around to it someday. I just don’t know exactly what I want to write about yet.

    wanted a tattoo for ages, but I change my mind a lot and wanted to be sure I would be comfortable with my decision long term. I think this is the way I navigate the world. Whether it’s tattoos, books, jobs or relationships.

    You mentioned that you had some concerns about relationships because of the models of relationships that you’ve seen. Do you want to talk about some of the concerning dynamics that you’ve seen in other relationships?

    My thoughts on difficulties in relationships are that every relationship has difficulties. But overall, being in a relationship should enhance your life, not detract from it. Also, I think an excellent quality of a potential partner is listening, caring and being willing to change when something upsets you.

    Having boundaries as individuals are very important for protecting ourselves in relationships. How do you think your boundaries are with others?

    Overall, I think I had a mix of relationships. Some fairly healthy. Some not so healthy. I had a difficult childhood, so I was attracted to unhealthy relationships for a while. But as I healed I started to search for healthier qualities in relationships.

    My first boyfriend had troubles of his own from previous trauma. We had a good time together. But it ended when he cheated on me. This seemed to be a pattern for him because he left his previous girlfriend to date me. I wasn’t aware at the time but found out pretty early on in the relationship. I wasn’t hurt by what happened, I was young and carefree.

    That is the story of my first relationship.

    Love and best wishes! 🙏

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #422244
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Stacy

    Wow, to hear that you have so many conditions from childhood. You’ve been through so much!

    Anxiety can definitely close your throat. Ever heard of that saying of a frog in your throat? It can make it hard to speak and be squeaky when you do. I’ve had that happen to me too. But I would say that it feels different from my other choking experiences. It compels me to clear my throat to make it better and doesn’t make me cough. It doesn’t stop me from breathing either.

    As soon as you were diagnosed with EOE they should have tested you for food allergies. For people with asthma it’s often related to food allergies, so you’re right on the money about it being an autoimmune condition. I would guess that if you have difficulty with managing your autoimmune condition it might cause a flare up of EOE too.

    EOE can also be triggered by GERD. So you did a really good job figuring out those acidic triggers. You really do have a lot going on with all of the conditions intertwined. I would imagine that it’s frustrating and difficult for you.

    I was thinking and your feeling of being safer with milkshakes made me think. Do you feel safer with liquids? And softer foods (I’m thinking mashed potatoes here). How is it you usually eat potatoes?

    If that is the case you could potentially eat other foods as long as they’re not a trigger? If they were prepared in the right way? For example, soups blended to have no lumps or anything that mashes smoothly. Perhaps a blender could be good here too? Are there any texture triggers that make you feel more afraid or less?

    One thing I was told to do was try and take a drink of water to clear the choking sensation. Is this something that helps you at all?

    Since you have GERD I also wonder if you might potentially experience laryngospasms too as they are related to GERD?

    I think you’ve done a great job taking care of yourself with these issues. You might not realise how well you’ve done. But you’re trying really hard to make your life easier.

    That’s incredibly distressing that you experience these issues daily. If my questions about health bother you, please ask me to stop. I really just wish that there was something that could make your life a little easier.

    Wishing you all the best! 🙏

    in reply to: Frustrated #422197
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Luna

    Thank you for your kind wishes! It’s very kind of you to offer to hear more about my relationships. As you picked up on (you’re very intuitive), I was trying to share things that might be relevant to you. There is a whole book I could write about relationships 😂 perhaps too much has happened in my life to say.

    That feeling of noviceness passes with experience. I can tell that you’re a very capable person. I’m sure that as you progress on your dating journey you will feel more confident! Beginners nerves are natural.

    You mentioned feeling like you’re struggling to find the keys. Do you have any specific concerns?

    I would agree, that there are some things that your friends and self-reflection can immediately help with. Some things you can only learn by doing. Reflection and friendship can help you to navigate these experiences retroactively though.

    Please feel free to share anything you would like to talk about! I’d be quite happy to have another friend and pen pal.

    Wishing you all the best! 🙏

    in reply to: Looking for perspective – sorry, very long #422194
    Helcat
    Participant

    *researching about

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