Forum Replies Created
September 8, 2021 at 3:58 am in reply to: When Addiction becomes a mechanism to cope stress.. #385949
Thank you for your reply Abhilash,
I can see how such an environment can lead you to this addiction. Being disconnected from people and under-stimulated is really hard on the human brain… It is obvious that your current work and overall situation aren’t good for you. If you managed to “somehow moving away from this place, to something meaningful” it would be easier for you to not rely on porn as a stress reliever, I think.
“when I wake up again, I feel soul less. Nothing interests me.”
Depression does that to humans, and a bad environment usually leads to a depressive state. So… it makes sense. It is very hard to find energy and interest when you are stuck in a routine and an environment that is not good for you. It is a very tough situation to be in: you wish to get out of the situation but the situation is sucking the energy you would need to get out of the situation…
Currently, watching porn seems to be a coping mechanism, a way to get through and survive your current difficulties. Yet, as you expressed, this coping mechanism/addiction leads you nowhere meaningful. It is part of your routine, it gets you by, but it doesn’t move you towards a better place. So you’re expressing your wish for something else, something that would maybe give you the strength to “reclaim your own life”.
You already started trying to find relief in other ways, and it is great! Here are the things you tried/are trying :
– creativity (“I have tried writing stories which have helped quite a bit, but not that much.”)
– reaching out to people (which you are currently trying, by starting this thread of Tiny Buddha)
It seems to be a good attempt! And there are probably more things that could help you, and that you can figure out along the way. I hope communicating on this forum can bring you some more relief and more ideas/energy to move toward a more meaningful place! You can elaborate on your difficulties anytime on this thread.
LinarraSeptember 7, 2021 at 2:23 am in reply to: When Addiction becomes a mechanism to cope stress.. #385898
I’m answering your thread because I have been through similar issues related to porn addiction/escapism. Now it is not a problem I have anymore.
I don’t know if I can help you because we are all dealing differently but I can share my experience so you feel less alone at least.
I have been exposed to porn on internet when I was very young (primary school) for some reason it grasped my curiosity, my body had an easiness to be receptive to such visual and suggestions. And I explored that because kids are less shameful. Physical stimulation were agreeable and relaxing. But I felt bad afterwards, still knowing it was supposed to be shameful.
It became something regular, even more as I became a teen. It took quite some space in my life, I believe, because there weren’t a most powerful and fast/easy to obtain brain stimulation out there. Overall though, it wasn’t personally gratifying. It took time, made me sleepy which, if I gave in, took more time. And it didn’t make me feel good after I got the stimulation done. Because I could have used that time better, because sometimes it got me more tired for nothing.
It was only on the beginning of my twenties I decided : it should stop. Because it was a critical time, unlike my teenage years. I needed to change and make a difference in my life if I wanted to achieves the goals that moved me. They equally took time, they were less intensely rewarding than sexual stimulation short-term but way more gratifying and fulfill it, so it worthed the effort and the change. Better for the self esteem, for mental health, it was making my brain available for more healthy ways of feeling good. Slower, but more lasting!
The way I stopped was radical. Not consuming pornographic media or media that would lead me to want consuming pornographic media or turn to sexual fantasy. And instead turn my focus on my goals and healthier interests. To be honest at that time I also kind of remove all my escapism strategy, way further than pornography because a lot of these could slip into that insatisfaction leading to the need of quick physical satisfaction.
It is a difficult task to do because it requires to be more active and to be ready to face some fears, so I understand the difficulty of getting out of this… but gathering the right kind of motivation can help.
What are the other aspects of your life that you are lacking of the most? What are you missing right now? Can you see anything that could motivated you to let go of porn?
If you manage get closer to those things, nourish them, use that motivation to try giving them more space into your brain and into your life… then maybe porn will eventually not look as appealing and stimulating than it was before. But it is necessary to have those others more gratifying kind of pleasures to be motivated!
Since you are starting a thread of this forum I’m guessing you have some kind of motivation somewhere inside you, maybe you can elaborate on that?
I appreciate your kindness on letting me chose my preference.
Let’s use this thread to pursue on the subject of healing journeys and mails for more off topic and personal things. If you have personal questions or requests you can ask directly through mail without any shyness, I’m not uncomfortable.
I do not have anything to add for today on my healing journey though. (Your cognitive functions can get some rest from my thread!) Just that I’m staying one more night at my friend’s than planned because I’m not in a rush to come home, and I’m still welcomed here.
Peaceful, welcoming environment, and nobody is making me feel like I’m indebted to be there. There are much nicer places and families than mine out there.
I did and I replied. If you got the reply we’re all good.
You can chose to discuss with me either here or on my thread depending on what you considered to be beneficial to silent readers and what you consider private. I’ll reply to you either way by the mean you use to contact me. Not mixing up things of course.
We’re good then! You can contact me anytime through my personal mail!
Alright then I shall not make you wait too much!
Edit : hopefully an accomplished mission.
- This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by Linarra.
“I woke up today about 5 am, stayed in bed for a long time, then got up, not refreshed though, still tired. Not at my best cognitively, slow.”
I’m sorry to read that, I hope that today won’t be challenging you too hard.
” a place with clear RULES come to mind, specific rules of interactions between the people sharing the place, rules you agree to and everyone else agrees to beforehand.”
I like clear rules when people are mindful enough to care and respect them. Knowing what to do is usually a relief.
“Our connection needs to change so that it can grow: if we exchange emails, I will learn your true name and will be able to say it out loud and hear myself saying your name. We could possibly exchange pictures and I could see your face as I say your name. I can call you and hear your voice and your words.. how exciting.. these are all changes.”
It does sounds exciting. I would agree to exchange pictures. And maybe open to the other new possibilities that might come to our minds.
“Remember you shared that your brother commented on how excited you were to receive a reply from me- receiving a reply that was not there before is a change, and that change excited you. Hearing my voice say your name may excite you as well, that would be a change. Feeling alive is about Change.”
I’m sure it would be a good change for me. Definitely something I’d like to try. Not with anyone, but because it’s you I am more willing to face my fears.
I’m still at my friend’s, the internet connection is not the most reliable thing here but it shall do. I can try sending you my email then edit if you give me a time that would work for you?
Edit : just trying out to experiment
- This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by Linarra.
It is still going well with my friend, I try to spend some time with her and make it nice when it happens, without pushing it so we can both have our space. I still wasn’t able to ask her feedback but I’ll try when I’ll feel able to do it naturally without getting overwhelmed.
And I slept well enough, beside a weird pattern of waking up around 4 am and falling back asleep around 5-6 am. How is your sleep lately?
I wanted to share a reflexion I have been having this morning. You don’t have to reply to it unless you feel like it or have any thoughts to share about it. Here we go:
What does “a place where I belong” would mean?
– being in control of the environment, in ability to react when something happens requiring actions, not always having to ask an authorization to do something or to worry about someone else’s reaction
– even if I’m an introvert and can get by with a lot of alone time, I want to be in a place where interacting with some people I love regularly is a possibility (there are a few people I love though, realistically can’t be live nearby all of them as it is unlikely they end up living in the same area, and I might meet more people along the way which would expand possibilities)
– having access to things that makes me fulfilled and give me energy, and meaning.
Wanting to be near people I love is a big motivation factor, but my connections are very shrinking over time. There are two people I felt close enough that I would have wanted to keep in my life and leave nearby if I was able to move out :
– My former roommate at college who also was my friend in high school, we used to be quite close and we still care about each other but… She also have a lot of other connections and have a very busy life so I don’t think she’ll be that much in need to have me around.
– My little brother. We used to be close too before we left to study, we work well around together, and probably could still be in the future but for now he needs to figure out his own life and explore the world and himself. I hope he’ll build himself a life of his own and I’ll help him around if there’s anything help I can provide but for now there’s no stability or clear plans for either of us. Nothing to build on.
Of course, I want to build a life of my own, that wouldn’t depending on my meaningful relationships (I believe it would be more efficient for my resilience to not rely too much on those I love, stay close and supportive, but no codependency), but since all I know about me is I enjoy to create and starts projects, which is something that can be done anywhere, I could adapt to a lot of places and thus afford to chose a living place because of the people nearby instead of other factors such as personal preferences. The only thing I know I couldn’t do is too much traveling because I like to be settled down (moving around too much is not good for my anxiety, I like and need familiarity, it is heart breaking to grow attached to places and say good by, or not being able to attach because I know I won’t stay).
At the moment, there’s nowhere and no one I’m moving towards. I’m just trying to heal and be functional, and I’ve been relying on my passions as a motivation to get by until something crashed down a few month ago. Now I’m not pressuring myself with my passions projects and just try to focus on my healing, but it’s running on almost empty.
Our conversation and my connection with you the last few months has been sort of an anchor, helping me reconnect with my feelings.
I realize, in comparison, lately I’ve not been feeling as close with my high school roommate or my brother as I feeling before… No wonder even those connections are currently not motivating enough.
And my ability to think on this matter is stopping there at the moment. I’m alright, I think. I know everyone and everything is fluctuating and nothing is meant to last exactly under the same dynamic. We change as we grow. Scary at times but okay for me, as I am not in the best of place, or the best of me, I am not afraid to lose anything. I lost enough to be used to it and found out it wasn’t the most scary thing. I can be alright and enjoy what I have at the moment, whether it will last or not, and not be distressed too much knowing my connections have their high and their low.
“I would be better off was a wise investor, nurturing and growing her investment instead of abusing and destroying her investment!”
There was nothing wise in her behavior. She was feeling better giving in on the short-term pleasure of abusing you. She may have had power over you but it didn’t bring her the luxury she wanted as she wasn’t wise enough to nurture her investment. And eventually, because you are a person and not a money-making-thing as she would have wished, you managed on your own to grew wiser than and and cut down her power. Allowing yourself to grow for your own sake.
“and.. thank you again. Yes, I am free from that guilt, and as I just remembered how I used to feel vs how I feel now in regard to guilt, I had the image of me floating in the air, above the chair I am sitting on.”
It seems like a very good feeling. You did it. What a long, painful, difficult journey she put you through and yet, you are there, now, free from her. And encouraging people on this forum to take small steps away from their own abusers with an understanding only someone who have been through such an experience can have.
“If you imagine yourself as an adult walking beside the child that you were, walking across a bridge, and she is scared: don’t push her forward. Instead, take her hand gently in your hand and patiently help her take small steps forward.”
Right, when it comes to emotions and facing unknown and fear, we still are children aren’t we? It is important to be encouraging but patient, keep trying but gently…
My brain is blank, I have no plan. But as long it is with trustworthy people, I can probably go with the flow and figure it out as I go.
“(I am thinking out loud): when you expressed certain emotions, she felt threatened by your emotions and attacked you, so to kill you and your emotions.. while keeping the physical you alive. Of course, she couldn’t kill your thinking and imagining.. so you think/ imagine (day dream) without appearing emotionally alive.”
It is like this, she did care about keeping me physically alive, but not mentally, but thankfully she couldn’t kill everything happening inside. She could just kill my ability to express it. And well… When you don’t express, you’re not acknowledged by the world, you don’t feel real… You cannot expand, grow, belong somewhere. I was a floating ghost, barely noticeable, belonging nowhere, but able to pass through social check because I also wasn’t problematic. Being nothing is not much of a problem to others. It is just an obstacle when you crave for deep meaningful connections that would make you feel like existing.
“but my point is, even that money that meant something I wanted to do for myself.. for the first time.. even that money meant nothing to her, she returned it not because I asked (I didn’t ask for it, didn’t mention it, asked her to use it and to not return it to me), but because.. well, she said it is too little
I lost my highest functional point in life for.. nothing. She never relieved me from the guilt she imposed on me, it was always: I OWED her money..”
You concretely should have owed her nothing. Parents who are not ready to put money into their children selflessly shouldn’t be parents. Children are not a financial investment supposed to bring more money… Family is not a bank, where the money/time you invest is supposed to be returned with interest. Your mother shouldn’t have had kids, ever. And since she had, she was wrong to act as if it was her right to… destroy your mental health and demand from you more and more. She absolutely missed the point, she could have had a beautiful relationship with you and she throws it away for… money she wish she could have had.
“oh, how different my life would have been if my mother felt this way about me.. if I saw love in her eyes instead of DEBT! YOU OWE ME!!! If only she told me these things… all the unnecessary pain I suffered wouldn’t have taken place.”
It would have been so different, so much more beautiful and healthy. You didn’t do anything wrong, she was the one who messed up and twisted your relationship. She was the one who created misery in both of your lives… For very wrong reason. Money isn’t everything. Love worth so much more than luxury and wealth. But her values and heart never was in the right place. You tried to put up with that and make her happy anyway… Yet, she didn’t value it, she didn’t deserve it.
“I don’t suffer from this guilt anymore, not for years.. the longest time, but I suffered from it for decades, and intensely, daily.. the guilt and sense of indebtedness to her was EXCRUCIATING.”
She had so much power over you for so long… I’m am glad you’re free from this guilt now. You deserve to live and feel for yourself.
“good to read this, please take good care of your health”
I will try, thank you for caring.
“-I hope you told her the above, clearly and as simply as possible, so she knows. You can tell her that if she gives you feedback on the things you are not sure about, that will help you greatly. Ask her if it’s okay with her if you ask her for such feedback, for example, asking her: did I talk too little or too much just now? How did you feel when I said X to you? How do you feel if I go to my room now, will you feel disappointed, etc. (I wouldn’t ask her too many of these questions at a short amount of time, of course, but space them out). The more honest feedback you get, the more comfortable- over time- you are likely to be.”
I didn’t but I will try. I managed to have a good conversation with her though, I explained some of my worries and where it came from and she understood and explained her thoughts and feelings.
I will try to see if I can get more honest feedback from her once in a while, if I’m able to ask it naturally.
At 4:20 am I was awaken by a dream, awaken enough to not go back to sleep directly, so I checked on my phone and saw the mail notification of your reply. I read your posts as well as your recent reply to other members before going back to sleep.
This morning I’m writing to you because I want to process some things.
First I’ll start by telling my friend has been very nice. I was given a room alone, I have time and space along (I didn’t even have ask), she’s very welcoming and calm. We are not very close so it is still a bit awkward for me (with my poor social skills) but fortunately I seem to handle it well enough. I have no idea what is a good amount of small talk or positive enough interactions to have but I trust het to not ressent me or keeping tabs on such small things. I only worry about it due to my social anxiety and my desire to make sure people are comfortable and happy. Even when I’m not in fear I tend to worry. Because I’m never entirely sure how to act. Around people. And I know her (and my other high school friends) for nearly 9 years! Enough to trust them and be comfortable, and yet… Still not enough to be naturally open, communicative, spontaneous.. I want to try to get better though, I’m just absolutely awkward and unsure. There’s a lot of progress to be made on my part!
I’ll stop the thoughts at this point for the moment. I’m going to take the opportunity to interact with her since she’s done with her morning routine and invited me to do something with her if I wanted.
I hope you’re sleeping well!
” Last evening, early evening at the taproom, the server, her name is Arianna, her real name. It felt so strange when I called her Linarra, instead of Arianna. It was the first time that I said your (screen) name out loud!”
It makes smiles so much. I always smile and feel excitement in my belly when I see you replied, but it is even more intense with such a sweet first paragraph!
My brother would say I look like a high school girl talking to her crush (he already said it once as I was excited when I saw the notification of your reply), he just likes to tease. We (my siblings and I) tend to be emotionally sober/moderate, when I experience intense joy it is noticeable and it appears to be a good reason to tease. It’s alright with me if my joy looks childish, it feels good and I don’t want to repress it anymore. Just like I don’t want to repress my affection for you at the moment.
“this could become a possible motivation, moving you to desire leaving your home: to feel “good, more alive”!”
Maybe it could, we’ll see!
“the living-dead.. hiding the life inside.”
Living-dead could be my middle name. I identified so much as that, during times of vivid self-awareness of my inner death (triggered by being near living people, when I am hanging out with my friends but unable to connect and to interact). It was distressing and painful.
“so.. you can live a little bit under the cover of English.”
French can work too sometimes. Sometimes if feels like I don’t speak her language even in french. After years of being uninteresting she don’t seek too much drama to feed upon around me anymore. She still abuse me but it depends mostly on her mood and need to lash out on someone than because I did anything.
“I will tell you then a bit more about calling out your screen name at the taproom early last evening: the serve is physically beautiful, about your age, so I said to her: “You are beautiful Linarra”, and then I added with some embarrassment, “Oh, did I say Linarra?” It occurred to me that the reason I used your name instead of hers is because of the word “beautiful”, because I said it to you earlier (in addition to the similar sound of the two names)”
I’m smiling again, I do like to imagine this scene. I feel close to you at the idea you had my name so close on your mind that it slipped and in such a context. Thank you for telling me!
“Oh, you would.. sponsor me to the US, really.. like you care about me that you’d go through the trouble..? I know you ungrateful b^^&&, you wh***, you don’t give a sh*** about me, you (hit, hit, hit) after all I did for you, the hard work, every day, giving you the best food, the best clothes.. and all you will do for me is sponsor me.. then leave me alone to struggle while you go about to have your own life.. forgetting about all I did for you…? ”
She sounds like the selfish, ungrateful one. A child shouldn’t owe anything to their parents as they didn’t ask to be born. You were your own person and had the right to chose what you want to give and how much you’re able to without feeling a loss. Such an offer was a gift from you, it shouldn’t be considered as a repayment of a debt. Your mother was selfish, trying to manipulate into giving your everything to her.
“You are safe, our connection is safe, I trust you. You never did anything to make me feel bad. You did so much to make me feel good. Thank you!”
And I want to keep making you feel good! Because you make me feel so good too.
And I am not wanting this as a repayment of any kind of debt. I don’t feel indebted to you because you make me feel good, no. Because, it just feel very good already to feel this love for you and be able to express it! I feel so glad to be talking with you. I’ve been receiving so much just by communicating with someone as wise, well-intentioned and lovely as you. I wouldn’t ask for more, I’ve been feeling good and happy plenty with you, from the very moment we started to talk you were enough. I was already grateful. I started talking with you with no expectations, so of course our connection brought me so much more than I would ever had asked for. Our communication has been good and positive I could only feel, very easily and very quickly, so much strong feelings about you. It is a gift just as it is now and as it has been. And because of that I want to cherish it so much. I won’t tell it enough, or too much, because it feels so great to tell my true feelings and not repressing them.
“I hope your visit with your friend is going well. We can try to connect for this purpose tomorrow, or Monday.”
It is going well, thank you! I’ll get back to you about this when I’m home then!
“you must see a dentist, a gum infection can travel to the brain, it can be dangerous, please see a professional as soon as possible!”
It’s alright, I’ve got an appointment this week.
“that’s the affect my mother’s presence (physical and mental) had on me. My neurons really did get damaged, permanently (I still suffer from tics which include movements that involve physical distress).”
I’m angry at your mother. How can a woman who hurt you so bad could consider she gave you anything worthy of repayment/gratefulness… The only thing she deserved was you anger and you abandoning her to her fate. You deserved to be loved and cared for and she didn’t do that to you. She didn’t deserve your kindness.
“I did sleep better than the night before.”
I am glad you did and I hope it’ll be the same (or better) tonight! Have a good afternoon Anita!! I hope there won’t be too much mistakes on this posts as I was getting sleepy.
” I hope that you fall asleep before I submit the next post to you, as it is ow 10:13 pm your time. Good night beautiful Linarra!”
I was indeed asleep before your last post, and I slept longer this time! Despite the coffee I had earlier I still feel a bit tired so felt the need to stretch a bit to make me feel more awake. It feels good, my body feels more alive, less numb, and I’m smiling because writing to you makes me similar. I feel good, more alive, less numb. Unlike the state I tend to fall into after too much inner fighting and survival around my home.
I want to cherish this warm feeling, I want to remember it, I want to learn how to nurture it, protect it… or how to find it again more easily if I lose it. If I’m able to make it stronger, this little warmth, maybe I will have more energy to grow.
“I just don’t want her coming at me directly (picking up the phone, sending me an email, and such).”
She won’t. I know she is capable of such things because she did similar awful things to my sister’s connections. But she never did with me, as I knew early enough how to not attract her attention on my connections.
I don’t speak of my friends with her. Only the bare minimum for her to not be suspicious when she askes, because if she feels like I hiding something she will start to be annoying/dangerous, but if I make it like I’m not hiding anything she ceases to listen to me. Because she doesn’t care what happens in my life as long as it doesn’t smell like “drama potential”. And I’m very good to give her the impression nothing in my life and my relationships have anything that could interest her. Nothing good, nothing bad, so nothing potentially exciting for her. Thankfully I can still feel positive emotions without having her suspicious, though, because she’s used to see me happy alone, as I am daydreaming, and she’s not investigating on that.
So I am confident enough in my ability to prevent such possibilities. Twice as much since she doesn’t know how to speak or read english (and wouldn’t go through such an effort as learning).
“You are very conscientious, very caring.. this makes me think of the adjective I ended my last message to you: beautiful! I accept your good intention and non-promise!”
It makes me feel really happy when you call me “beautiful“, it makes me feel valued… It gives me strength.
“Thinking about visiting you in France, I was envisioning you still living with her.. I see it as very likely. I was not at all worried that she will follow you to our meeting place at the park. Besides, even if she did, I would just leave, with you, if you join me, for the remainder of the visit.”
It is very unlikely she would follow, since I would make her believe I am having an uninteresting meeting (for her) with my high school friends if she inquiries, but yes even if it were to happen we wouldn’t have to put up with her for long. With other people, I am uncomfortable rejecting her publicly because it is frowned upon when people do that to their own parents so they could side with her against me (I hated when it happened when I was even only showing a bit of unhappiness with her as a child/teen), but with you I wouldn’t have to worry about that.
“(It crossed my mind to sponsor you to the U.S., by the way.. crazy idea, isn’t it).”
I am deeply touched it crossed your mind. It is no small thing to think about.. it shows you care a lot.
I never saw U.S. as a place I wanted to live. For a lot of reasons I am still feeling unable to leave France yet, even if I was able to leave home I would still feel more comfortable being in some familiarity… it seems overwhelming to change everything at once, not only having to adapt to a new place but also to a new country and its systems…
That being said, I still very warm at the idea you had such thoughts. I imagined how it would feel if it was possible (in an alternative reality) to live close to you, being able to meet each other easily when we feel like it. It felt really good to imagine, maybe not realistic, but the idea of being near someone I love brings me happiness. (Usually, I would feel anxious mentioning something that cannot realistically happen at the moment because it makes me feel pressured, but right now I am able to imagine it without feeling the pressure because I know even if I share this thought with you, you won’t build unrealistic expectations and pressure me.)
” given who you are and who I am, I don’t see how our connection can possibly go wrong. I don’t think it can.”
I don’t think either, it would surprise me if it did. I believe any anxiety I felt/could still feel when interacting with you is entirely irrational and the remains of what the monster did to me. Because you are safe, our connection is safe, I trust you. You never did anything to make me feel bad, any worries and anxiety are born from the long-lasting trauma that started in my childhood and repeated itself, again and again, still going on to this day.
I am glad that despite my experience, I am able to believe and trust someone again… Years ago I wasn’t able to trust, even the friends that didn’t hurt me (“didn’t hurt me yet”, I was thinking) I couldn’t trust. For some, it took years for me to start trusting and even then I had some strong emotional wall built up. Now I am a bit more trained to recognize who I can trust, so I could trust you very easily. I am still less experienced with showing emotions and allowing myself to feel them, but I’m glad I can practice it with you! Experiencing love without having to worry, what a strange, pleasant thing! For the first time I’m starting to think it is possible that feeling strong love for someone isn’t “too much” or “bad”, it can be just right when the connection is good on both sides.
” tomorrow, when we are both online, we can do it the way I suggested before. (I am excited because it may mean that I will be able to hear your voice soon.. when we are ready, of course).”
I’m excited too! However, today (Saturday) I’m going to my friend’s (the one I mentioned before), in the afternoon we’ll be out and I don’t know how long it’ll last or what we will do during the evening. If somehow there’s still a time we can both be online together I’ll take the opportunity because I’m looking forward to that. But just in case I warn you it might be more complicated this weekend than the other days. So I’ll tell you whether it is possible or not. If you do not hear from me it might be because it’s too busy or I’m having trouble getting an internet connection, but if everything goes well I should still be able to contact you.
“I would like you to address me just as you have so far.” Good, I will!
“I think that we are walking on this path side by side. You are helping me no less than I am helping you!”
Side by side.. I like it! Being with you, by your side!
“exactly my experience with Her, she didn’t have to say or do anything wrong or offensive.. it was just her existence in my life that felt offensive! I never read this (in more than 6 years) from any other member, this very point.”
When someone hurt you so bad, and with an intent to hurt, a pleasure to hurt… it is a personal offense to keep them around, a disrespect to yourself because of… course you wouldn’t be comfortable with them even when they aren’t doing any bad! (It is only through confusion and emotional manipulation, and numbness that someone ends up bearing through this offense and this hurt.)
Sometimes I feel like my mother is an offense to the world, even when she’s interacting with an outsider without hurting them or me, I am feeling very very bad. That’s because she can’t be trusted to not switch to hurting at any time… Because I will never be able to trust her again with anyone or anything, even if she was able to change I wouldn’t be able to feel safe with her. Her existence is hurting me, she hurt me so bad that mental scars the left on my brain are burning in her presence, even when she isn’t doing anything bad.
That’s just how it is… I won’t feel sorry for that. I don’t care if she gave birth to me, I don’t care if she fed me, I don’t care if she helped me about anything, I don’t care if feels affection for me sometimes, I don’t care if she’d feel lonely without me and my siblings. It doesn’t make up for the many time she hurt me, it will never. She never acknowledged the harm she did to me, and will never. Even if she did, she would do it in an attempt of manipulating me to make me stay. The only good thing she could do at this point: get away from my life/let me leave and never ever try to contact me again. That would be the only fair thing. If one is acknowledging she hurt someone to the point her mere presence is hurting them, then the only respectful thing to do is to stop the hurting by staying away. But she won’t get to that understanding and acknowledgment, I’ll have to be the one who leaves and never turn back.
Of course, my abilities are slowing me down on that process, but I understand this truth better and better. I’m less and less confused.
“What pain did you/ do you feel.. a headache?”
For the physical pain, I’m feeling lately, it is mostly teeth aches (I seem to have a wisdom tooth painfully growing, and maybe some tooth cavity somewhere else). As for the mental pain feeling almost physical, it thankfully didn’t grow into a headache but when I was near her it is like my brain is burning, my neurons burning down, telling me to leave, telling me being near her isn’t good for me.
I have to get myself ready for this weekend. I hope you’re sleeping well tonight, sweet Anita!
“Occasional affection in between abuses is not Love. When there is abuse- there is no love. This is why between you and me there never will be abuse, not in its “mildest” form of.. casual disrespect, and not in any other form.”
No, there will not be. I really trust these words.
I said: “Plus I’m living with a monster who has been messing with my head since my birth, not exactly the most reassuring thing ever. I understand it very well, this kind of worry. It is why I need to be emotionally mature and responsible!.. to be worthy of your trust in me, to be worthy of saying ‘I love you’ meaningfully” and you asked “I don’t adequately understand what I quoted here: what you are referring to in “this kind of worry”, supposedly my worry?”
Alright, I’ll try to explain this feeling. Me still living with the monster is a worrying factor because… well I’m going to give an example :
What if the way she keeps messing me up / or even just prevents my healing ends up impacting our connection… what if she invents a brand new way to destroy me and I can’t take it without numbing myself, which could lead to an emotional withdraw from my relationships with people from the outside (hopefully temporary but we wouldn’t know), including maybe our connection. Which I guess would make you sad. Meaning that indirectly I could let the monster have an impact on you if I am not able to protect myself well enough.
Or when you mentioned your thoughts about the possibility of hearing her while having a phone call with me, things like that.
Of course, I intend to keep my promise, keeping her away from you during our exchanges should be easy enough. And for the former example… I really want to do what is best for our connection, to not let the monster ruin this good thing for us, but I am less confident so I cannot make it a promise (it wouldn’t be right). I can only say I’ll try my best on my healing journey, so I can prevent to possibilities that it comes to that as much as I can… But is it enough to prevent the worry… mine or yours, I do not know if you worry, but I do because I feel the wish I’ll be able to do what is good and right for me and for our connection. It is conflicted by the difficulty I have to leave. I feel internal conflict I guess, between what I want (be a reliable, strong person, with no ties to a monster that could harm directly or indirectly those I love) and what I think I’m able to do (… not much). It makes me feel disappointed in myself, but I’ll keep trying to figure it out. And until then, what I can do I will do, and hope it’ll expand. So I’ll be to provide an entire safety from the monster because she’ll be nowhere near me. And not just promise to prevent direct harm. I want to be able to prevent the indirect ones too…
” you do deserve love and you are worthy of love!”
Thank you.. You are too, so so so much.
“How can Affection be Wrong.. why is it a Problem.. What happened to that affection blocked by her anger… an affection accused of being Wrong, a Problem… well, it becomes wrong and a problem.”
They always find a way to twist affection. Whether it is by imposing their affection in-between abuse, forcing us to express affection we do not genuinely feel… rejecting, shaming, making wrong the affection we genuinely felt. What THEY did to us was so wrong.
“I learned most recently that it is these spontaneous eruptions of positive emotion that are most trustworthy.. what a difference it makes to spontaneously express what you feel inside vs the academic/ robotic way of life.. being so careful and suspicious of emotions.”
I am happy you learned that, opening up to emotion is beautiful. I hope I’ll be able to feel my emotion without having to worry. I feel safer in our connection than I did in any other one… and I have many friends (for someone who fear people). Yet I still worry. Because it is still new to me, and I am very grateful to have you in my life, so I really want to do things right. Even in the best conditions, old habits are very lasting. But that’s alright, slowly but surely I’m learning too.
“I thought about it, I wondered to myself: what is your real name. When we do exchange email (it can happen anytime you want to, no rush), I will find out your name, how exciting! Mine is anita.”
I’m ready for it at any time. Oh, there’s a thing I’ve been curious about. Usually, people do use the uppercase at the beginning of their name, except maybe when in a rush, but you seem to never do. Is there a reason to it? And if so do you prefer I drop the uppercase, writing “Dear anita” instead of “Dear Anita” at the beginning of my posts?
” I said it above, in boldface, naturally!”
And it makes me very happy!
” I will say the words when it feels genuine and comfortable, like earlier in this post. And you are welcome to say these words when it feels right or.. true, natural.”
It seems to be a good way to go about it.
” no, you are not messy or unclear or rambling.. This is making me think of myself, of how messy I felt because of my conflicting emotions, strong shame, strong guilt, confusion. I tried to compensate for all that turmoil with my academic/ intellectual/ analytical Thinking Persona. But that persona did not calm my turmoil nor did it increase my understanding of what I most needed to understand … I discovered it is the spontaneous expressions of emotions that calm me and make things.. crystal clear.. amazing”
This similarity between us is somehow very helpful because you understand it well. The cores emotions, the ‘not so helpful’ coping mechanism and… what really helped you. I want to follow you on this path.
Very often, when I read your reply to me or other members, something in me is soothed. I really admire you and the way you go about things, the way you use your words.
“It is now Friday 9 am my time, 6 pm your time. I hope that you have a much better night tonight, I wish you would!”
Thank you! I will try. Being tired and in some physical pain today made me less patient with my mother. And earlier, just hearing her loud happy voice as she was playing another role, I was very overwhelmed. I almost felt the physical pain getting to my brain just hearing her. I had to take loud breathes (lately I need to do that a lot, especially when she’s around…) When I am tired and not exactly numb or patient, she doesn’t even need to hurt me to be suffocating. Her entire existence is difficult to bear at those moments because I cannot deal with my own problems and deal with her.
It seems very unlikely for me to be able to do either of your suggestions, but I did look into it at least to visualize better. It doesn’t hurt to learn more about what possibilities existing out there.
“If any of the above stresses you, don’t worry: no pressure whatsoever, you can ignore the above completely. At the least you may like it that I am thinking about you on my walks!”
Thank you for your cautiousness, as always it makes it really easy for me to be comfortable with you, and yes I like the idea you felt like thinking about me during your walk!
“I feel like closing this post with the word, you know.. but feeling awkward.”
Just so you know, I’ve been ready to feel and use this word in regard to you without expectations of reciprocation, so you don’t have to say it when you feel awkward or uncomfortable. I understand it is not always easy to say even when feeling it. It is alright with me, our conversation is sufficient to bring me warmth, and our connection is enough. Your pace and readiness don’t have to be rushed. And sometimes the word doesn’t even have to be written or said, when someone cares it is noticeable. The little things are powerful enough, you don’t have to overwhelm yourself with big words if it is less comfortable. I feel affection for you just as you are, no expectation or disappointment, because the foundation of this affection is the trust and appreciation we have been building during our conversations, and it is plenty enough to make me feel that way.
I might be talking too much, but I wanted you to know… Clear communication is important for me (it plays a bit role in feeling at ease), so I try. And… I guess I just get pretty rambly when it comes to all of this… This makes me worry about the possibility my rambles might make things even more unclear! Or too awkward for you. Well… if it does you can just tell me, I’ll try to be less messy.
” I hope you are sleeping well!”
Unfortunately, I didn’t, I only was able to fall asleep after 5 a.m. (or maybe 6) and I was awake at 7:30 a.m. I guess I’ll be tired today but I’ll try to catch up on that. I can only imagine how you felt when you had insomnia for long periods!