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loveandkisseszaphod

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  • in reply to: being ignored? ghosted? #357059
    loveandkisseszaphod
    Participant

    Dear Lannawannabe,

    Thank you very much for your words, I could quite relate to your similar experience and it made me feel less awkward. Like I wasn’t that weird after all, but instead being exposed to some selfish behaviour from a man that isn’t that interested in me. Because the way you describe your guy is so similar to my thoughts about mine.

    While I was offline those last few days,  he visited me and it was a little challenging emotionally. When he asked if he could drop by, I was either going to cut him off then or let him visit so that I could experience and see it in real life instead of dreaming and idealising him. I thought about it for a while and chose the second one. Risky,  but thinking that it might lessen my obsessions + I could have some fun. He stayed with me for 2 days and and somethings were surprisingly unexpected and some other were difficult. Like him arguing that I was very demanding sexually and controlling-fastidious in life. I had heard that from my exboyfriend too. So now I have some thinking to do regardless of this artsy fuckboi

    He just left and I am not sure what to make of it yet. But I can see clearly now that, even if he wanted to have a relationship with me, I don’t see it that possible now.  We are different and we have conflicts in basic things.

    I don’t think so, but if I go all obsessed and panicky again, I’ll post a wall of text again for Anita’s tireless eyes 🙂

    Thank you again,

    Love

     

    in reply to: being ignored? ghosted? #356778
    loveandkisseszaphod
    Participant

    Yes I heard him when he said he wasn’t available for a relationship, and I knew his persistence the first night was a red flag. He wanted to see me again so at that time I hoped that we’d be hooking up for some time more and I’d be happy with him being around and the intimacy, and then we’d see how it went.  While he was away, he showed interest for a while as well, so I don’t think I acted like the overly attached type.Being apart was extended by lockdown, then time passed and he lost interest, I didn’t. Then I overdid it. Not exactly overdid it with my reactions to him, but to myself mostly. Letting myself daydreaming about him and feeling anxious, things like that. Not treating the story light heartedly as it deserved

    I get that even if we continued to date, it would still be a dead end. But also you never know, I wanted to give it a try because I don’t get attracted to men that often. I was unlucky with the timing, not being able to spend more than 2 nights together.

    Do I sound ridiculous?

    Maybe I’m overthinking about simple flings you might think. I am trying to understand myself in relationships and be more flexible with men and my emotions.

    Yesterday I stopped following all his social media and deleted him from my followers as well. I still check him out but it will fade away eventually. I have no other chance.

    in reply to: being ignored? ghosted? #356632
    loveandkisseszaphod
    Participant

    one last thought that bugs me..when I talk about relationships with my psychologist, I talk about being confused, lacking the female experience in flirting, panicking and asking for advice to everyone I can speak with, then feeling embarrassed about opening up, being worried that people would think I’m obsessive……he advises against consulting everyone providing all the details because it feeds my focus,  then always encourages me to be honest with what I feel to the guy and to express my feelings openly.

    in this case when I took his advice, I think it failed and pushed the guy away from me. (I mean look at now: even if I was ok with only sex, I can’t even have it anymore.he’s gone.)  You know what I mean?  So I feel like there is a knowledge of tactics I am unaware of 🙂 Also, with this guy, whenever I wrote him that I missed him, wanted to see him again, or I wrote that I needed a little attention from him that day, I felt I was being needy and weak.  I mean I am not talking about future plans together, only asking for some attention made me feel funny. I don’t think I did it too much, it’s not like I’ve been bugging him with messages everyday. But I thought he was rolling his eyes. Is this because of his approach and who he is?  Or is this because people sense a desperation or obsession about me? (maybe this is an overstatement) what’s your take?

     

    in reply to: being ignored? ghosted? #356570
    loveandkisseszaphod
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for taking the time to check and think about my previous thread as well. You may be right, though I hate to hear that I am uptight like my mother. I am trying to open up for new experiences romantically and sexually, it is an effort for me. This is why I get confused when I come up with something I am not familiar with.

    As for this guy, I knew that he wanted just sex and I wanted with him too. But I think I couldn’t handle it light-heartedly. When I feel connected and attracted to someone, I can’t take things lightly. Maybe I am not the type for casual things. Half of this drama is because of the lockdown mindset. The other half is maybe me building up expectations. I am thinking, if we would be able to see each other more often, would I still care this much about him?  Am I always exaggerating these things ? Or do we call it passion? How do people deal with ambiguity with hookups and sex? What did I do wrong, so that I even lost the casual hookup with him?

    Don’t want to take all the blame on me, because I can be hard with myself.  I don’t regret this story but I want to take a lesson then move on.

    in reply to: being ignored? ghosted? #356554
    loveandkisseszaphod
    Participant

    Dear Inky,

    Thanks you made me laugh:):) My shrink named him the temporary agenda but b-lister feels better:) I liked him anyways and got lost between the other fangirls I guess.

    love.

    in reply to: Weird breakup story #335328
    loveandkisseszaphod
    Participant

    It’s a very important question and it needs through thinking. the valid message behind my anger at her….I think generally I am angry at her for being so uptight causing me to have less joy in life, and shying away from attention. I don’t feel at ease in my own skin.

    I think she had a strong influence on these:

    • feeling insecure about myself (I had mild eating disorder, still not fully comfortable with the way I look no matter what)
    • wasting away my young ages feeling uncomfortable with men and with sex
    • feeling inadequate and antisocial

    Sure she can’t be the only reason, there is also one’s character and the things you experienced… I’m an introvert and I sometimes need alone time to charge myself. I like being like that, I have no problems with that. But when I felt I was struggling with my romantic relationships, I had to think about what was really happening and came all the way to where I am right now.

     

    in reply to: Weird breakup story #335174
    loveandkisseszaphod
    Participant

    Oh yes my mum would be shocked and horrified if she knew the story.. She would be disappointed if she only knew him, let alone this story..Maybe this is childish but it makes me smile like a teenager.

    This is what bothers me. After therapy I realised that it was her attitude that caused that strong inner critic and my defensive mechanisms. But I could not reach a mental place where she would effect me less.Instead I became intolerant and very angry at her. She is still comfortable calling me names (sometimes jokingly) telling me I am cold, stern, emotionally unavailable like the nordic tv show detectives:) She compares me to her daughter in law, to her friends’ daughters etc.. My boyfriend would tell me to let go, not to take it that seriously, that she was old now and she needed a mother daughter relationship etc…

    I wonder how i can reach that state of indifference? I don’t want to think about my relationship with my mother anymore if and when I have a man in my life. I don’t want to carry that resentment.

    And the boyfriend I had when I was 23…It’s been years now but I think her problem with him was that she thought he wasn’t husband material for me.I had finished school and had a decent job whereas he was still -not really- studying and also working at a nightclub tending the bar and doing some account job there. I was in love with him and maybe she thought if I’d marry him I wouldn’t fulfill my potential in life.

    in reply to: Weird breakup story #335140
    loveandkisseszaphod
    Participant

    Hello again Anita 🙂

    I don’t think my parents necessarily made me feel alone while growing up. They were there for me, they were responsible parents but they were in their early twenties when they had me and I remember my mum being nervous, anxious, and having high expectations and standards about me. This probably helped my academic success and achievements but also caused me to have a strong inner critic.

    I can define her as critical, judgemental and even somewhat puritan and uptight about me and about people. Not that much with my younger brother though:) If you’d ask him, you will get a different portrait.  She would intervene in my relationships even when I was not a teenager anymore. For example I was 23 when she made it clear that she disapproves my boyfriend whom I was very in love with and gave me a very hard time. wanted me to leave him, tried to set me up with her friends nephew. things like that..

    She also made me think I was cold and distant because this is how she describes me to my face and to others.

    So, up until I was in my thirties I accepted these as certain facts about me, and I internalised them. I don’t think it’s a mature thing to blame your parents for every difficulty you are having in your life, but I can see now that she is one of the reasons why I can be mean and insensitive to myself. Now she wants to be more close but I keep her away at a safe distance without any confrontations.  But this current situation also bothers me a little.

    Having said all these, this last relationship of mine comforted me and made me feel good because he was calm and acceptant and relaxed. But also, we couldn’t make it together because he was a little extreme in these same very aspects to the point of not caring about anything and not having ambitions about life and future.

    This is why when I sometimes feel alone now, I fantasise about getting back together and it makes me feel weak because I know he is not the one for me and I don’t want to create a more positive image in my head about him and obsess about it.

    I poured my heart out. Thank you for reading it.

     

     

     

    in reply to: Weird breakup story #335024
    loveandkisseszaphod
    Participant

    I am ok. The work has been a little downtempo these days, but I do things to keep myself busy and entertained.

    I’ve been to shows, concerts, theatres, sometimes alone sometimes with friends. (I don’t have many friends, but I can say that when I need someone, I usually have someone to talk to.) I go to gym to pilates classes, I often visit my brother to play with my baby niece. I changed my hairdresser, went to see an astrologer, though it left a bad taste in my mouth- she felt like a manipulator. I even had a date with someone from a dating app. He seemed nice but unfortunately 2 days later he moved to another country:)

    Mostly I feel fine, but sometimes I feel that, all I am doing is to try to trick myself and distract my attention from my solitude. I feel like i am faking things. I can’t say I’m depresssed. I feel ok for most of the time, but I have a strong belief that deep down, my ‘normal’ is being alone, left out. This is such a weak spot for me, because once I connect with someone,  then he has a strong power on me. It’s not like “he was the only one who can understand me” Because he was not even that open, caring and sensitive.  It’s hard to describe that feeling. I sometime feel like an outsider, like a bystander among people.

     

    in reply to: Help–leaving me on the hook i think #332853
    loveandkisseszaphod
    Participant

    Dear Anonymous,

    I found this article helpful while I was having some doubts about the relations I had with men. I am from a different culture, so I am not sure but maybe you’ll find it helpful too.

    https://qz.com/685852/hookup-culture/

    (It says: Engaging in hookup culture while craving love and stability was perhaps the least feminist action we could take.)

    At the time I felt like I needed to look cool and look not that interested with the man I was having sex with.  Because I thought that was what a strong, independent women would do:) I turned a blind eye on the fact that I also needed a connection, attention and warmth from him or from anyone really.

    By the way I also think it is completely OK to change your mind on the course of the relationship. Maybe you just wanted a hook up in the beginning but later you started to care about him, or your expectations have changed by time. There is nothing wrong with it. You need to think about what you really need, instead of analyzing his needs.

     

    in reply to: Weird breakup story #326715
    loveandkisseszaphod
    Participant

    not a real update but I wanted to note it down here.

    I stalked his twitter today. (I sometimes do) I read a heartbreaking tweet of yesterday which he said:  it was the second anniversary of his mother’s passing, not a day goes by without him missing her but now he gets tired of missing.

    I had the urge to console and comfort him. Instead I let myself think about him for a while, wished him well, -and won’t lie-shed some tears.

    I need to NOT romanticize this situation. So I thought about last year’s anniversary when we were together, I tried to reach out to him and make him talk about his feelings but he did not open up. Not even as much as this tweet. And the year before, when she died, we were not on speaking terms at that short period, and he didn’t let me know she died but instead I read it on his post about the funeral on facebook.

    in reply to: Weird breakup story #326595
    loveandkisseszaphod
    Participant

    Dear Joy,

    Dear Jonna,

    Thank you for your friendly and supportive replies. I was moved reading them.

    About the alcoholism: It’s funny but I never realised it was this big an issue with him. We always drank together. He used to say he can never understand how much is too much or when he crosses the line but I had never witnessed it before. I was always worried about his other problems like depression, job issues, weed use etc. but not alcohol that much. Maybe it’s because (now I’m playing freud here)  when I was growing up my mum would become edgy and passive aggressive to my father everytime he drank and I went along with her and took her side.  And maybe later in life I now subconsciously try to make it up and turn a blind eye over drinking.  It is also funny that you say “alcoholism is a disease of selfishness”. I never ever thought he was selfish before but just the opposite. But in our last texts I told him it was too selfish of him to say that he doesn’t want to change for anyone, because I thought once you are in a relationship with someone you both change, willingly or otherwise. But it still did not dawn on me that these were the words of an alcoholic as you put it. I thought he was talking about settling down etc..

    Anyways, these are his problems, I tried my best to be his companion but you can’t really help someone unless they want you to.

    About my side of the story: I wanted someone in my life, an intimate connection.  Now reading some of my earlier messages to him, I see that I always had to ask for his attention and maybe I sometimes sounded clingy. He never really was compassionate or understanding. He was mostly self-absorbed. When I told him on our last conversation that I feel he didn’t put much effort in this relationship, he said ” you keep telling me this but I constantly came to see you from another city for 2 years!” He thinks just being present next to me is enough effort on his part. I felt sad in the beginning but now I also feel angry because of his childish ways and not taking any kind of responsibility, and not  being there for me despite all the love and understanding I gave him. I knew all along that we were not the perfect match, but I loved his goodwill, and my emotional needs got the best of me and I kept trying. It’s our second breakup now. If we really broke up the first time, I would blame myself that I left him alone with his problems. Now this is not the case anymore. Now I feel like he was not there for me.

    I still can’t stay I’m completely over him but I feel much more ok everyday. Thank you again,

    love,

     

     

    in reply to: Weird breakup story #326177
    loveandkisseszaphod
    Participant

    Dear Anita, Dear Valora,

    Thank you so much for your insight and your words that I needed to hear. I appreciate it truly. Also writing things down cleared my head a little, and I feel more grounded.

    Having known him for quite some time, I know he lacks responsibility, decency and ambition but I kind of thought it’s because he has a more difficult life than mine.Maybe I tend to make up excuses for him, because I just needed someone that I felt comfortable with and he was available and easygoing. When we met, I was in therapy trying to figure out why I had no relations with any man for over 6-7 years, he was taking care of his mother who was going through a heavy cancer treatment. That’s why he lived in his hometown not here. He then lost his mother. He is in debt but he works on and off because he is in the movie production business and he works only when this guy he knows decides to shoot a film.

    But, of course I have my own needs and I need more attention and more respect than what he could provide me. We had some conflicts over the time because of these basic differences in our ways of life but maybe we needed a push like this to go our seperate ways.

     

     

    in reply to: Weird breakup story #326157
    loveandkisseszaphod
    Participant

    Dear Anita,I know that he can not afford a mattress, but he didn’t even ask.I told him on the phone that I ordered a new one, he just said fine.
    He basically did nothing to make amends. He usually doesn’t know what to do in certain situations or he simply doesn’t care.

    I wouldn’t care too much about the matress if he sincerely apologised though.

    However I feel really sad and lonely now. And I have a hard time with this stupid ending.

     

     

    in reply to: Weird breakup story #326155
    loveandkisseszaphod
    Participant

    Dear Anita,I know that he can not afford a mattress, but he didn’t even ask.I told him on the phone that I ordered a new one, he just said fine.
    He basically did nothing to make amends. He usually doesn’t know what to do in certain situations or he simply doesn’t care.

    I wouldn’t care too much if he sincerely apologised though.

    However I feel really sad and lonely now. And I have a hard time with this stupid ending.

     

     

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)