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Melinda

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #345086
    Melinda
    Participant

    Hi Archer,

    It is very important to be able to trust your friends and significant other in both bad times and good times.  What do you consider to be signs of weakness?  Could you also elaborate a little more on what you mean by ‘crushing life’?

    It is good to have work that you do because you want to.  Many people do not understand the importance of having ambition or passion towards their careers.  I have found that and use my blog, book, and participation in forums to assist others and doing the same.  Congrats on already reaching that point.

    Also, creating times you have full days to yourself instead of working seven days a week when possible can be very beneficial. I used to work seven days a week with multiple jobs.  Once I finally reached a point in life where I only needed one job,  it took a long time (over a year)  to learn how to relax and not be in a constant state of adrenaline rush.  Sometimes, when we work too much, our bodies can stop sending signals that we are tired–causing the possibility of burning out without even noticing.  I now make it a point in my life to take one day completely off of work per week, and it has been insanely helpful.

    Not wanting to be broke is a very reasonable goal.  Define your version of powerful/powerless please.  It sounds like you already have quite a bit of discipline to be running your own business and working independently towards your goals.  It is good that you have figured out what you don’t want. You should also work on figuring out what you do want and how you want to perceive yourself. Figuring out who and what you want to be as a person often comes before figuring out what you want, but not always.

    Focusing on personal growth is a great route towards also figuring out what you want in a relationship.  Following your instincts and you heart.  A person can be perfect in your eyes but still not be perfect for you. In the personal growth department figuring out who you want to be (from paragraph above) usually leads to developing your preferences in what you see as a desirable partner. The big thing there is to figure out what you consider to be non-negotiable qualities.  For example, I believe empathy, kindness to people and animals alike, and emotional depth are important. Decide what is important to you.

    Best of luck,

    Melinda

    #343022
    Melinda
    Participant

    Hi Katie,

    Congratulations on learning on your own that you are in charge of your opinion of you.  You are and always will be enough in any regard, because you are responsible for your own self-image. Those boys were responding to your confidence.  The choice to be confident will get you far in life.  Keep at it.

    In regard to your cousin and aunt, those belittling comments do count as verbal abuse. Your cousin absolutely could be hurt by her mother’s choices.  However, remember that it is your responsibility to take care of you, not fix her.  There are a couple of important choices you could make:  Decide whether or not you want to maintain a positive relationship with your cousin by being kind, supportive, and communicative with your cousin if you would like. Also, if you ever decide to consult local adults about how your aunt treats your cousin or how your cousin treats you, make sure you report it to a school psychologist, counselor, or social worker (These are the staff that can maintain anonymity).

    Also, though this is a great community of support, please remember that users, such as myself, and this site are not intended to provide and do not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice. Nothing here is designed to replace medical or psychiatric treatment.

    Sincerely,

    Melinda

    #343018
    Melinda
    Participant

    Hi Lisa,

    I would not recommend responding to anyone who starts out with sending you inappropriate pictures.  If a man you are interested in is not taking the time to properly communicate with you his intentions and interests, he will not give you any positive interactions.

    Also, though this is a great community of support, please remember that users, such as myself, and this site are not intended to provide and do not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice. Nothing here is designed to replace medical or psychiatric treatment.

    Sincerely,

    Melinda

    #343016
    Melinda
    Participant

    Hi Katie,

    First of all, your teacher should never call you lazy or any other negative term.  She should never yell at you either.  As an educator myself, I know first hand if you are struggling that her job is to help you be successful.  Have you told your parents?  Have you attempted to communicate with the teacher letting her know how you feel?  Are you asking her for assistance on how to improve anything you are struggling with?  If your school has a social worker, a counselor, or a psychologist,  you should definitely consult them.

    Also, though this is a great community of support, please remember that users, such as myself, and this site are not intended to provide and do not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice. Nothing here is designed to replace medical or psychiatric treatment.

    Sincerely,

    Melinda

    #343014
    Melinda
    Participant

    Hi Crawford,

    First of all, your emotions are ALWAYS VALID.  Never let anyone tell you otherwise.  Negative emotions and positive emotions are always valid.  Communicating with people is very important, even if you do not think they will like the truth.  Make sure you keep people in your life that appreciate honesty and are willing to work through any conflicts you have with them and vice versa.  If the people in your life are not upholding communication and empathy, find new people.

    All emotions need outlets and healthy methods for expression.  What are you using to help you express yourself and work through your own feelings/issues?  Writing, drawing, coloring, playing a musical instrument or sport, etc. can all be helpful.

    You are not responsible for other people’s emotions.  However, you are responsible for your actions.  Think before you say/act and how it will affect both you and others involved.  Empathy is a two-way street.

    Also, though this is a great community of support, please remember that users, such as myself, and this site are not intended to provide and do not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice. Nothing here is designed to replace medical or psychiatric treatment.

    Sincerely,

    Melinda

    #343012
    Melinda
    Participant

    Hi Paradox Music,

    A great start would be to find some new friends. Find people who are positive, support you, and do not publicly shame you.  Join a club or try a new hobby.  It can be hard to make new friends when you are surrounded by the same people all the time.

    It is great that you are involved in website development and piano.  Have you composing your own music as an emotional outlet?  I use poetry as mine, but I have often found piano music to be one of the most moving and inspirational music genres to listen to when I write. You may benefit from creating and you listening to your own songs.

    Moreover, I can tell you from personal experiences, people who give you mixed signals are a waste of your time and energy.  Anyone who does not have the guts to communicate with you regularly will be difficult to maintain a friendship or relationship with in the long run.  It is great that you are honest with the girls you have feelings for.  Being upfront and communicating is always best. However, you should start with asking a girl out and getting to know her on dates for a long while before announcing your love for her.  Girls can be fearful of both social ridicule and for their personal safety if someone professes an immense crush right off the bat even when the person professing means no harm.

    Denying yourself of your feelings for someone will not make them go away.  It is the same with any emotion.  Love, sadness, regret, excitement, embarrassment, etc.  You need to face your feelings before you can act on whether or not you want them or not.  Accept your feelings first.  Then decide if they help you towards your goals and values.  Is the emotion worth any positive or negative consequences if you act upon it?

    Also, though this is a great community of support, please remember that users, such as myself, and this site are not intended to provide and do not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice. Nothing here is designed to replace medical or psychiatric treatment.

    Sincerely,

    Melinda

    #343008
    Melinda
    Participant

     

     

    Hi Stepan,

    As someone who has been to the rock bottom, I think the best advice is not to try to return to life the way it was before it went downhill.  People have a tendency to assume when things are not going well, that it is a time to wallow in their emotions and regret that they cannot return to the past.  The thing is, when you are already at the bottom, you have nothing left to lose.  The bottom is not a closed box.  It is an opportunity to start over and reconsider your wants and needs.  The bottom is a chance to change anything and everything you want, as long as you believe in yourself and take action. The bottom is a time to forgive yourself and others for any events that you feel lead downhill.  Never let the bottom keep you, for it was meant to inspire fresh foundations.

    Best of luck,

    Melinda

    #342832
    Melinda
    Participant

    Hi Archer,

    From what I am reading, it sounds like you have had a lot of goals in life, but they have all been to teach your family to believe in you.  I experienced this myself for the majority of my life.  However, I discovered the issue was not me.  It was that I was surrounded by people who enjoyed putting me down to make themselves feel better. Are you surrounding yourself with a support system of people who care about you and assist you when you feel discouraged?

    The people in my life at the time did make me feel completely dead inside.  No matter what goal I accomplished, they continued to haunt my thoughts and dreams.  It didn’t matter that I had proved myself.  I had not forgiven myself for letting other people hurt me.  Realizing I was not at fault for the cruel actions of others, which took a couple of years on my own (I could not afford a therapist) significantly helped me heal.  When your family is not kind and supportive, it is NEVER YOUR FAULT they choose to treat you that way.  Positive affirmations programs may be able assist you with remembering that.

    Also, it is very brave and ambitious of you to start your own business instead of riding the train of your mentors forever.  Starting your own business can be incredibly stressful.  Are you taking personal days/ vacations and giving yourself time to recover?  Burn out is very powerful.

    Think about your goals.  Are they based on just wanting material things and wealth?  Are you only wanting things for yourself? Are your goals dreams you can carry out forever even after achieving them, or are they only things you can physically pick up and out down?  What are your reasons/ambitions for chasing your goals?  I have found when I make goals that are focused on helping others, my inspiration and ambition are infinite (as long as I am not experiencing burn out at the time), because things that help people will always be needed.  In general, make sure your goals, even if they may be only about helping yourself, are things you can continue to provide for yourself even after the initial achievement.  Don’t be afraid to add on and create bigger goals either.

    Also, is your business virtual or do you go to an office?  Virtual work has lots of pros, but one of the cons is lack of social interaction. Is very common for virtual workers to feel isolated and have trouble pursuing opportunities that make them feel less isolated.  Make sure you are taking care of your social needs. Connecting with people when you feel numb emotionally is not easy, but it is doable if you can choose friends or acquaintances who invite you to go to events/go outside in general.  They don’t need to be your closest friend, but you can only meet new people if you are giving yourself opportunities to meet them.  Join a club.  Volunteer. Try some new hobbies.

    As far as relationships go, my rule of thumb is: Don’t find someone you can live with/tolerate.  Find someone your life would be ‘less’ without.  Having found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, I can honestly say that there is not much of anything that would be more fun or fulfilling without him.  Being with someone you want to do life with is energizing, not draining. That’s not to say don’t have times we just need to go be introverts and enjoy activities independently, but we definitely usually want each other around otherwise.  Are you with someone you tolerate, or someone it would be devastating to you not to have in your life anymore?

    Overall, the best thing to do would be to find a therapist.  Make sure the therapist you pick uses strategies that line up with your beliefs.  For example, if you don’t like medications/doctors, make sure the person you go to focuses on cognitive behavioral therapy and the like instead of psychiatry. Psychology today has a great directory of certified therapists https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

    Also, though this is a great community of support, please remember that users, such as myself, and this site are not intended to provide and do not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice. Nothing here is designed to replace, medical or psychiatric treatment.

    Sincerely,

    Melinda

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)