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Felix

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  • #375121
    Felix
    Participant

    I am not being chased any longer =) Good observation. I am in the rebuilding and “resting” phase now. The problem is that I am not 23, I am 43, and don’t have the luxury of relaxing too much because I still want to accomplish things, including rebuild my career and may be even have family, kids, and do something more with my life. The idea that I am 7 years away from 50 scares me not because I am afraid of getting old, but because it will be impossible to start a family at a particular point simply because of physical and culture limitations.

    #375077
    Felix
    Participant

    Thanks, I do give myself breaks and I do take care of myself. I guess I am just as I mentioned before, a tired animal who was being chased by a pack of lions. I am not giving up or anything. The problem was that my methods of relaxation and recharging are not working because I am ALWAYS alone. My friends are busy with their families and we don’t see each other that often. Family isn’t helpful. I feel very lonely and if not for Covid, I would be more social, but everything is closed.

    #375033
    Felix
    Participant

    Thanks Nar. The whole looking inward concept is something I am doing a lot now through meditation. It helps a lot. I am looking deeper and deeper each time. It’s an amazing experience. I wish could hold on to it after meditation. I’ve turned around from being bitter and angry at the world to trying to send out “metta” unconditional love and well being to all beings and things. But it often leaves empty to the point of tears.

    #375032
    Felix
    Participant

    Thank you Rebecca. I know the book well. I am way more “advanced” than this book in terms of my movement towards enlightenment and many other things. I study Buddhism and Stoicism. I meditate and try to be in peace with my own existence, but with so many hardships to overcome, I often fail to accept the present, the real me, and everything that’s happening. I am not giving up. Nothing seems to help because I am waiting for something to come my way from the Universe. I think that’s my number one mistake. I am learning to let go of absolutely everything, but it’s been almost 4 years since I’ve been alone and I feel physically sick form it.

    #375031
    Felix
    Participant

    Unfortunately I don’t have anyone around who is that enlightened. And my friends are very good people, but I am not comfortable talking to them about any of this. I miss the bonding you are speaking off. I missing the human touch, physically and emotionally speaking. It’s been too long.

    #375030
    Felix
    Participant

    Thank you Peggy. I am a surviver. I do send out love into the universe. I don’t do it as a favor so I can get back something from it, but I hear silence in return. In fact, it often happens that I get adversity and hardship in return. Yet I don’t blame anyone or anything, hence my post, I don’t know where to find the strength. By strength I mean hope, desire, love, and other things that I want to have. I want to feel something positive. I want to look forward toward something fun and existing. It’s been ages since I had that kind of fun. I take care of my self and I try to be virtuous (from Stoic teachings) and I am also learning to let go (from Buddhist teachings), but I am only human. Sometimes all that is not enough. I stopped complaining. I am not asking for pity or a shoulder to cry on. I am just losing hope. But as I said, I am not complaining and I do thank you in earnest

    #374381
    Felix
    Participant

    Thank you Peggy. That’s my mindset as well and that’s how I try to see it, but it’s not as easy in practice as it is in the thoughts. Guilt is still hurting me. Regret is still punishing me. Believe me, I am trying to let go, but I might need some professional help for this as I can’t seem to move on from the past no matter how much I try. And believe me, I have been trying harder than ever.

     

    Anita, thank you as well. I don’t know what that something good might be. I create my own happiness and my experiences, but the way life worked before is that doing these things that interested me (biking, hiking, etc.) usually led to meeting new people, new girls, new networks, and new something. It’s just been so stale lately that I don’t remember what it feels like when something cool or interesting comes my way because of a coincidence. I am trying to send out positive thoughts into the Universe and I really hope to get some feed back. I am not asking for help from anyone or the universe. I can do it all myself, but I would be nice to get a break here and there.

    #374355
    Felix
    Participant

    Thank you for the replies!

    I’ve read over everything a few times and I wish I was able to be more glass half full than what I am feeling now.

    I am trying to forgive myself, to be more precise, I am talking to myself about moving on, but like a sadomasochist I am continuing to punish myself because of time wasted and because of where I am in life right now. I might get professional help for this because I am stuck in one or more of the grieving stages. I don’t want to be, but I am because of the total number of problems I am dealing with at the same time, interviewing for new job, healthy living (weight loss through diet and exercise), personal development through leaning about Stoicism and Buddhism, trying to meet a woman for a relationship. All these “projects” are causing great anxiety and stress. I am honestly trying hard now. All day, from 7 am until 7 pm, I look for work\interview, exercise, study, walk, and try to do the best I can. And I still feel like crap. I feel like I should be doing more and more, and that it should be done 24/7. That’s obviously not realistic and I am not a spring chicken any more. I am 43 and while I do feel young, I get tired and need to time to relax and regain my psychological, emotional, and physical strength. I meditate and it helps a lot, but the anxiety and stress levels are through the rood and I don’t have any outlets to unwind or get some help. Family is not helpful.

    I am trying to be patient, accepting, and loving of myself. I realize how important it is to love myself and be fair (from learning about Buddhism), but this alter-ego inside of me continues to punish me for effing up. It’s not about the money, it’s not about comparing my life to others, it’s not about pleasing my parents or anyone else. I just feel like I effed up badly and wasted so much time that catching up now is a monumental task and I am not sure if I am up to the task. I am not giving up, but I haven’t had any good or positive news in a very long time. Some say that no news or no bad news is good news, and I agree 100%, but I am just so tired of it all that I would do anything for something good, fun, exiting to happen. There has to be a balance in life otherwise what’s the point? I am obsessed with road biking and hiking, but it’s not enough. I just feel overwhelmed and out of control. I’ve cut out toxic people from my life. My family is being kept at a distance. Friends are there, but they are busy with their own lives, their own families. I am not complaining because things can much much worse and in this crazy time so many people are suffering and I try to send out love into the universe, but I am running on empty.

     

    Anyway, thank you !

     

    PS. I like the idea of grieving not about the wasted past, but the imagined future that never came. The only problem with that is that I didn’t plan for the future back then. It’s like that movie inception, I am going deeper and deeper into analyzing this. I am punishing myself for the future that didn’t come because of the past which I didn’t plan and execute to have that future which I should have been thinking about. I am not dumb, but I am far from being smart. West Wing (TV Show) had this scene where a man is having a drink at the bar and talks to Toby and Josh (who work at the White House), and he is trying to get his daughter into a fancy University (Notre Dame I think), and he doesn’t know how he is going to pay for it. He says “I like it that it’s hard, a man should be able to provide for his family” or something like that. And then he says, “I don’t want it to be easy, but I wish it was a little bit less hard, just a little bit”. That’s all I want, just a little bit less insanity, just a little bit more luck. I had cancer and survived. I filed for Bankruptcy, which delayed my going back to working, I had so many awful things happen over the last few years, that I feel empty. I am trying hard, but I feel empty.

    #374107
    Felix
    Participant

    Hi Anita. Happy 2021.  I hope you are staying safe.

    1. I punish myself because only recently did I realize how badly I screwed up in the past (Career, family, other stuff). I’ve forgiven myself and I am trying hard to do what must be done to salvage what is left of my life. I was “reborn” over the last few years and changed everything about my life. Worked on improve what is virtuous and gave up most of my vices.

    2. Didn’t study enough so I got stuck mid career working in IT for less money than I could make. Could have been making high six figures by now. Instead I am at 43 starting from almost scratch. Ate away my pain, gained 80 lbs, which I mostly lost, but still have a way to go. Lost my wife because I was weak and broke down during hard times. Just wasted last 15 years on doing nothing at all. Work > TV > Smoke weed > Sleep > repeat. I don’t do that anymore, but the anger and the shame won’t allow me to accomplish my goals now. I will still do what I have to and what I must, but I can’t let go of being angry at myself for what I did and that I cannot turn back the clock.

    PS. My family is pretty awful. Good people, but they treat me badly and have emotionally destroyed me. I cut contact with them, but we are Jewish so can’t really cut off your family. I just try to limit my interaction with them and when they try to belittle me, I simply block them and make them disappear from my life until they retreated. Last, but not least, I am not afraid of anything or anyone ( except losing my dog ), but I am all alone and have no support network. Friends are friends, but I am doing everything now on my own. I am envious of people who can share their love and pain with their loved ones. I am always alone no matter what I do. It’s beyond painful. I miss intimacy, I miss closeness, I miss my best friend (exwife), I miss my social life and being able to relax. Life is a balance of good and bad. I don’t mean that things are either good or bad, but I there are good things that happen and bad things that happens. It’s just that it’s been bad for such a long time that I feel like a gazelle that can no longer run away from the lion chasing it. I am tired. I just want some good news, something good or fun to happen. It’s been a long time since I felt anything, but pain.

    Happy Friday btw.

Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)