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You both need healing. Two people can make each other strong and work through difficulties, but sometimes one refuses to admit to their problems, or doesn’t understand how to live with the other person which causes tension. If you get back together her problems need to be addressed and worked on.
Meditation is rather easy, you basically relax. There’s plenty of methods but the key is to relax. Some days you’ll clear your mind, others you’ll have a song stuck on repeat, or go through hurt feelings, it’s all fine so long as you don’t hold onto these thoughts. [Example, you think ‘what’s for dinner?’ Don’t start listing options. Instead, focus on your breath.] Very simple one you can do right now, turn off any music/tv, sit comfortably, close your eyes, and slowly breath in, then slowly breath out. Do this for ten deep breaths. Done. Next time try to do 20 slow deep breaths, then slowly work your way up. Poke around on this site, there’s a number of articles on meditation you might find interesting since there are so many forms.
You don’t have to worry about clearing your mind of thoughts. Sometimes you can, sometimes you can’t, don’t get discouraged. Focus on your breaths, repeat a phrase in your mind [peace, calm, love] or you could use soothing music, a metronome, bell, or other rhythmic sound to focus on. Again, the key is to relax, not to turn off all thoughts. Let them flow by.
I’m sorry you have to go through this. This is new, so it’s understandable you want to cry and scream and kick and cry some more. Let it out in a safe way [scream into a pillow, journal, sad music/movies, instead of say punching a wall or sending angry letters] give yourself time to grieve this. You said you have a counselor, you could talk to them, or perhaps a help line could work. Even if your only means of contacting a loved one is your phone, do it. In a few days or weeks you should begin to find something close to ‘normal’ and you can begin to function.
This next bit might sound harsh so you might want to continue reading once you’ve somewhat cleared your head. Do you really want her back? Sure you think so now, but you mentioned how she became distant and hurtful near the end. You should meditate, and think about everything. Right now she seems to be everything, but is she really? [I had a boyfriend who left me and I was hurt deeply by it for a long time but when I took a step back the man I cared for was mentally and emotionally abusive, and left me for my best friends fiance. In the moment I was so desperate for affection I ignored what a terrible relationship it was] this could be a wonderful opportunity for you to grow and become better acquainted with yourself. You could clear out the mental clutter and discover more about yourself in a positive light. One day you might get together again, maybe you’ll meet someone that’s a far better match, you don’t know. For now you need self love. Focus on you and the rest will fall into place one day.
Good luck to you.
- This reply was modified 5 years ago by Nekoshema.
I emailed someone in the field I’m interested in, she got a Masters of Psychology from the University of Toronto, then a 2 year counseling degree from a reputable college finally she interned for 2 years. I’m looking into an online counseling course and then interning [as she suggested] But a wrench was recently thrown into the plan so I’ll probably not do that [or at least later than I planned] I also heard of animal behavouralist, which also interests me because I’d apply my knowledge to understand dogs and cats in shelters to help them in the adoption processes or use it to help train dogs. So many options lol. Need to consider a lot of stuff before moving forward, but I think I’ll do online while my boyfriend is in school [he’s decided to go to school for 3 years starting next fall. Gives me time to figure stuff out]
I think it was my part-time job in high schools and college as a cook in a sports bar. I moved on to another kitchen job that paid more and gave more hours… Which the stress caused me to quit. I was the only dishwasher/prep/salad chef in the restaurant and on top of working from 9 am to 2 am 6 days a week I was also expected to clean the restaurant because the owner didn’t want to hire a cleaning staff. Then I went into sales. Another horrible experience later they fired me for low sales. Now I work in a cafe, alone, and thanks to the job I’ve got anxiety and depression. Go me. BUT I loved that first job, it had a descent pace, light hearted environment and other people to talk to. When I move next year I hope I can find a job like that one [just in an office instead of a kitchen]
Wow, ok, ignoring the possible fight I wasn’t aware of…
I don’t think TB really needs a mod. Yes, personalities can clash and arguments can get heated [we’re human] but as far as I can observe we are are wise enough and calm enough to either walk away or step in to calm an argument. I’ve been on certain forum sites where two people would argue and refuse to back down. I’ve never seen nor felt this here on TB but if things get really nuts I suppose we could go to the administrator of the site to stop it, but I’ve never seen something that extreme on TB.
Have fun, hopefully you gain something from the experience.
I should try something different today, but I don’t know what. I decided yesterday to start pacing the hallway at work when no one’s around but I think that’s madness not fun lol.
I know the feeling. It’s a work in progress, but you can stop questioning it. Not always [when I’m depressed I question why my boyfriend loves me] but you need to start slow. If the person says they love you, smile and say ‘thank you’ or ‘I know’. Even if your mind says they don’t, ignore that thought and think ‘thank you’ or ‘they love me’. Over time that voice will come less and less.
This is a semi-joke my friends says a lot, ‘true love is when the person you’re with drives you so crazy you could kill them but you never will because you’ll miss them too much’. [Makes me laugh, but I’ve got a dark sense of humour]
I also don’t like the belief you can’t find love until you love yourself. It’s true you should learn to love yourself [and it will help you accept love] but you can love someone without fully loving yourself. [I do] it can be difficult focusing on yourself and another, but the right person will understand when you need time to yourself.
Well I like you pomplemous, if that’s enough [also watch the swears. I wouldn’t want you to get in trouble] I kind of know what you’re going through, not being 100% sure about stuff and feeling a fraud when things go well. You might need professionals to help but TinyBuddha is a very friendly, open, and helpful community who [as I feel] just wants you to find joy inside and shine for the world. [Corny line, I’m in a really good mood] we could help each other out if you’d like.
Lol that’s fine. I type too fast on my phone, so autocorrect guesses a lot.
Yea, people keep using that line. At first I agreed but after 5 years I was sick of hearing it. It could also be the result of stress is another reason, if so my lack of caring what my body looks like [meaning fat or skinny] might cause the weight to go. Be nice lol, but I doubt it.
Lol aww thanks pomplemous. Yea I’m all over the place with the online classes, but I’m pulled in the family counseling direction the most. [I also like spiritual counseling but I think it’s a harder sell] I am planning on taking other courses and I’m open to other possibilities, I’m just pulled more towards counseling. If I found a job moderating help forums I’d be happy too, but I don’t think it’s realistic. I’m trying to keep an open mind [today’s a good mood day for me] but I want to find something I love and go for it since I’ve pretty much gone through everything I hate.
I’ve got relatively good patience. And I’ve been an acting therapist for friends and family from a very early age. Not qualified, I’m just a good listener and can give good advice [or so I’m told] my real problem is emotional, but I’m working on that one.
Psychology has always interested me and through researching what you can do with psychology courses counseling really got me excited, which I can’t say happens all too often.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Nekoshema.
I don’t weigh myself, I just get depressed. It’s not that I’m refusing to look to deny reality, until very recently I went to the gym 5 days a week, and ate a rather ‘Mediterranean’ diet, and I never lost a pound. I saw personal trainers, changed up my training routine, and went to many free classes. Still same weight. I quit the gym because I was sick of spending so much money for nothing. I’m still active, I walk everywhere, do yoga once a week, got back to biking, even reduced my sugar and meat intake, and while people say I’ve ‘toned’ I haven’t lost or gained a pound in 5 years. I get being too heavy or too thin is unhealthy, but sometimes you need to throw in the towel, accept this is your body, and move on from there. If I loose weight great [I pray I don’t gain any but if I do it isn’t the end of the world provided I’m still as active and healthy]
Lol what a random posts, but I sort of get it [unless I’m interpreting it wrong]
I’ve been on this [not too sure what to call it… Internal?] Journey for a year and a bit now and some days are better than others but it really hit me hard when I realized how judgemental I can be. I never thought I was judgemental because I never hated people because of how they looked. I’m judgemental of traits in people I find undesirable. I’ve gone from trying to not be judgemental to being extremely judgemental, and just today I shrugged and said ‘there are certain people you don’t like because of their values. That’s life’ and accepted this part of me. It’s probably wrong to accept yourself for being a little judgemental, but I have, and am happy with myself right now. [Besides it’s hurting me, not them] maybe one day I’ll work on not being judgemental but for now I’ve got bigger fish to fry.
Sorry if I missed the point of your argument though.
Meditation is free, so is walking. Journaling is another option. You could also spend time watching funny/happy/cute videos at the library. You could also talk to your friends, just spend a night in with friends can help.
Why do you feel excluded at your job? Parhaps you just need to find common ground outside work to talk about. If you work in a cubicle, put up stuff that makes you happy. [Pictures of loved ones, pictures that make you smile, your artwork, funny/inspiring quotes]
Meditation is about relaxation and bringing yourself to the present moment. Most people have the image of a monk sitting cross legged quietly meditating. This is only one form. Start small by just taking 10 slow deep breathes. [You could also look into walking meditation]
Remember the mind is always running so just go with the flow. Some days you can focus on your breathing, other days that catchy tune on the radio, so long as you don’t focus on your thoughts you’re fine. [Example, you randomly think ‘what do I feel like for dinner’ let it pass instead of listing food you have in the fridge] I’ve been doing various meditation forms on and off since I was a kid, best to start small, and be celebrate the fact you could go 5 seconds or 5 minutes.