Forum Replies Created
June 26, 2017 at 5:32 pm #155186
Do you believe that I hate you? That I want to hurt you?
anitaJune 26, 2017 at 3:34 pm #155174
Thank you for your best wishes. My best wishes to you too.
And you are welcome. Anytime. Keep unwinding, relaxing.
anitaJune 26, 2017 at 1:52 pm #155160
You are welcome, Tari. It takes time to adjust to new situations and new understandings. Looking forward to your next update and wishing you well.
anitaJune 26, 2017 at 12:27 pm #155156
* didn’t submit correctly…June 26, 2017 at 12:26 pm #155154
Dear Free Moon:
I think there is a way to “resolve the pre-existing feelings”- I don’t know what it is, but there is a way. Visualizing it brings about “a less clouded mind” for you- that is encouraging. On the other hand, it serves you only that much and “it just gets exhausting”-
in quality psychotherapy, I am thinking, progress can be made beyond the temporary “less clouded mind”- progress can be made toward a lasting resolution of those childhood feelings.
anitaJune 26, 2017 at 12:12 pm #155148
You wrote that you “cannot move out my parents said the family reputation will be tainted”- it feels like you cannot move out, but in practicality, you can move out. And you should, I say, because your primary responsibility is to protect and promote your well-being, not your family’s reputation.
You wrote: “I ruined the relationship”, but like he told you himself, it wasn’t much of a relationship because he was unable to communicate with you, to see you, to spend time with you. He was otherwise occupied, not having the time or mental resources to invest in a relationship.
When you state that you ruined the relationship, you are ignoring the reality that in practicality, there wasn’t much of a relationship to ruin.
Your feelings for him were and are strong. But the time spent with him has been very limited, hasn’t it.
anitaJune 26, 2017 at 10:57 am #155110
You are welcome, SK.
anitaJune 26, 2017 at 10:35 am #155104
You asked: “how do I lessen my anxiety and let go out of the outcome?”-
It may help to figure out the worst outcome/s you are afraid of, write it down, take deep breaths as you do, and form the intent to accept that possibility.
Then do it again, another time, another place. Form the intent, deep breaths. You can say to yourself: I don’t like this outcome, but I accept that it may be the outcome.
anitaJune 26, 2017 at 10:23 am #155102
You are welcome. I hope you will find a way to move out of your home where you are being mistreated, I understand. You are employed and I do hope that you feel it is okay to move out of a home where you are mistreated even if it doesn’t fit traditional conventions.
And then, I hope you learn all you can from this experience and that you will choose to be involved with a man who is available for a relationship, in the future. In this case, regardless of mistakes you have made, he was still otherwise occupied, still a relationship is impossible, as he himself indicated to you.
Post again anytime, if you’d like.
anitaJune 26, 2017 at 10:09 am #155096
We had some double postings going on. I didn’t read your last few posts before I posted my last message to you. The last post I read before typing this one ended with “The end” so I am responding to the last ones:
I don’t remember reading before that he blocked you, that this was his last move in the relationship, blocking you. That does fit with my two points in my previous post to you: he is not available for a relationship with any woman, you or anyone else because he is way too occupied with his life otherwise: work, being written up, being sued for the car accidents, financing his parents and sister, picking up his sister, paying bills, sleeping only five hours per night and so on.
The other point is that you are not the gem in his life I once thought you were (the gifts were lovely, and expensive, but they don’t undo the drama created which adds to his trouble).
I would say when someone blocks you, that is clear indication of a breakup.
anitaJune 26, 2017 at 9:45 am #155086
A few posts ago I wrote to you that I agree with what your boyfriend-on-a-break told you long ago, that you are a gem, in his life. After reading later posts, most profoundly the most recent posts, I no longer see you as a gem in his life. Perhaps you were at one point, perhaps I am wrong now.
According to your latest posts, it is my impression, that you are adding to his already heavy burden. You are stimulating more distress in him regarding family unwanted drama. I now see you more as a participant in that drama than an unwilling victim. You may have been a victim, after you were physically assaulted and at a weak point. But according to your following communications with him, seems to me that you are now a willing participant in that drama.
Also, the fact that he had a relationship with another woman, however distasteful it is for you, is something perhaps that you shouldn’t hold against him, as you do. I think you are angry at him for that and unforgiving for him hiding that past relationship from you, before he finally shared about it. It is not a crime, that he had that relationship, although I understand your religious beliefs in being pure and all.
It also seems to me quite clearly, that he is not available for a relationship with you or with any woman. He is simply too busy, too otherwise occupied. He only sleeps five hours per night, works a whole lot, dealing with so much, picking up his sister, caring for his parents… he is simply not available for you, or for any woman.
Till your next post…
anitaJune 26, 2017 at 9:11 am #155076
You wrote: “I had no sense of right or wrong in those days just desire”- this sums it in an honest, straightforward way. You are fortunate to have been forgiven by your brothers. You “worked my bones to the core earning my family’s trust back” and you succeeded, good job.
Regarding your cousin Dani: for her, it is not about you having been molested in the park by the old man, it is about her having been molested by you. You can imagine how ridiculous it would be for you, if the old man tried to earn your empathy by telling you how he was molested as a child.
Your cousin Dani told you to “leave her alone”, she rejected your efforts to communicate to her or with her. Respect her clearly stated assertion. If you don’t, you further harm her.
All you can do with your cousin Dani is to respect her wishes, her assertions. You “learned about the consequences of (your) actions”- and Dani’s anger at you is one of those consequences.
Continue to better yourself, to be the best person you can be. Help others, but do not force help on Dani. If you do, you are repeating the forcing part of what has harmed her in the past.
Post again if you’d like.
anitaJune 26, 2017 at 8:43 am #155062
With a family like that, RF, RA, their husbands, their parents, you have to be like a wise politician. Interact with caution, preplanning, considering consequences. In your case, looking back, it would have been not being available to listen to gossip (cut interactions short or avoid altogether), no sharing of personal information and feelings… basically keeping it pleasant and short.
You wrote that your boyfriend’s relationship with his parents is better, did I understand correctly? This could be because he is taking care of them financially, could it not? Keep in mind people’s possible motivations.
Your boyfriend (on a break) doesn’t read to me like a bad person, not at all. He wants to be a better man, that means he is plenty good already. I think he is overly engaged in helping his family, that it is a great burden to him, that he is overwhelmed by the financial burden to care for his family, especially when dealing with the car accident legal issues, and being salaried, not being able to earn overtime. He is also burdened by family dynamics, the latest RF/RA saga.
When the RF camp (wife and husband) made peace with the RA camp, it is my understanding, they kind of had to bond over having a common enemy, so their peace was made by extricating the bad in between them and locating it outside of them, in you.
Will be reading when you post more.
anitaJune 26, 2017 at 7:06 am #155038
* didn’t submit correctly…June 26, 2017 at 7:05 am #155036
I understand that you do not have a good mother, that you have an abusive mother, and that is very unfortunate. I wish that was not the case. But his mother is not a good mother either. If you try to… make her into a good mother, for you, that may very well distant your boyfriend from you. I read other women’s stories, where they get closer to their husbands’ mothers while the husbands had and have bad or very unsatisfactory relationships with their mothers. This has acted against the relationship between wife and husband. What ended happening is that both wife and mother turned against the husband… at least in his mind.
You can’t recreate the past, have a good mother at 23. Your mother is the one you had as a child, present when you were forming (those Formative Years of childhood). That mother was a one time deal. Can’t undo it.
What you can do is act for having a healthy relationship with a boyfriend/ husband. This is still open for you, still possible.