Forum Replies Created
January 20, 2018 at 7:01 am #187733
* Dear calisister:
She used people (your father, your sister, you, anyone) for social outings, just like she suggested you use friends to go shopping with.
The punch in the face I mentioned in your thread is her communication: I am angry you are alive!
The black eye, the injury, is your conclusion that there is something wrong with you.
Any child receiving this communication from her mother, will believe there is something wrong with her.
There is nothing wrong with you, calisister. Never has been anything wrong with you.
anitaJanuary 20, 2018 at 6:47 am #187731
Take your time, calisister. Rushing this will not work.
anitaJanuary 20, 2018 at 5:18 am #187725
It is a trap: to be in a physically, emotionally intimate relationship with a man you don’t trust. It is even more difficult when the man really is not worthy of trust. So you are with him knowing he may be with another woman later in the day or night, or tomorrow. Or he may be messaging women later on, sexual stuff.
It is a trap, absolutely, to be physically intimate with a man, knowing that what is happening between you and him may become public knowledge once again. So that what is happening, is not only between you and him.
And what is it, that is happening between the two of you, I ask myself reading your share. Something is happening in your mind, but it is not the same something that is happening in his mind.
Maybe in your mind, in this relationship, he is your focus, what you value most. But in his mind, it may be sex that is his focus, what he values most. What do you think?
anitaJanuary 20, 2018 at 4:52 am #187721
That is a whole lot of activity that you described, lots of guys. You wrote that you “want to build integrity and the ability to be true to (yourself)”, that you want to raise the quality of your life. You asked: “How do I do it?”
My answer: do slow down and stop all that distracting activity.
You wrote: “Sometimes I feel like the more I think about these things, there’s so much negativity that I unearth that exists within me and my mind, that I couldn’t bear to live with these thoughts anymore”-
By “these thoughts” are you referring to the description of the whirlwind activity you described? Or are there other thoughts and feelings attached that you have been running away from by going on a … sort of a dating binge?
January 20, 2018 at 4:31 am #187719
- This reply was modified 21 hours, 52 minutes ago by anita.
I read both your new threads. You wrote that you are “Not looking for anything other than some friendly advice or reassurance (you’re) not the only one in the world who has or is experiencing this kind of feeling”. By those feelings you refer to feeling fearful in social settings, not fearful spending time alone, but still wishing to socialize, correct?
My reassurance to you: no, you are not the only one. Like you, I was also “screamed at and called names endlessly for hours” as a child. It scared me then and that fear stayed with me, so I too feared people and preferred to be alone. I still longed for people, to be around people, wanted to, but was scared at the same time.
My friendly advice to you: quality psychotherapy so that you will be guided and helped to not be overwhelmed (or embarrassed) by your understandable fear of people, and have the relationships you long for.
anitaJanuary 20, 2018 at 4:04 am #187715
You are welcome. Anger is natural, of course. We can’t help but feel whatever it is we feel.
As humans, in most cases, we have a choice to not act certain ways when angry. When a parent feels angry at her/ his five year old child, for example, it is okay to feel that anger. But is it okay for the parent to act aggressively toward the child, to yell or hit the child?
And when a parent does yell or hit the child, do you think the parent is loving the child at the same time?
anitaJanuary 20, 2018 at 3:48 am #187713
I read your recent posts and then re-read your original post. You are back with him for five months, no abusive behavior on his part. About 10% of the time you feel angry at him for violently attacking you before. The title of your thread, “How do I forgive him?” suggests your goal is to stop feeling angry at him.
You described a combination of fear, love and anger in these five months living with him again. And you would like there to be only love.
For my better understanding of your state of mind and situation, I am bringing up two topics, and you are welcome to respond (or not) to any one of these:
1. You are very concerned with your boyfriend’s privacy, from the beginning of your original post “(without it being too personal in case he…”) and in your recent post, not wanting to ask him what he is learning in therapy. What is your experience with privacy growing up with your parents: what did they teach you about privacy, did they respect your privacy..?
2. You are very motivated to win your parents’ approval, yet when they were against you going back to your boyfriend (were they not?) you went back to him anyway. If fearing your parents’ disapproval is so strong, how is it that you go back to him?
anitaJanuary 20, 2018 at 3:23 am #187711
* Dear calisister:
Why did your mother uninvited you for outings countless of times, told you to stay home? What was her motivation?
anitaJanuary 20, 2018 at 3:11 am #187709
You described some feelings here: “very emotional. am literally tearing…. overwhelmed, alone, lonely, confused, anxious… wishing… I didn’t feel this way…why am I crying?… oh so confused. and troubled”
Regarding C, you wrote: “I do believe she just think i’m ‘the crazy one’ and sees no fault of her own.”
You told me abut C’s very obvious contradictory statements about herself, showing little self awareness. Her poor self awareness would lead to poor awareness of who you are.
More important here, is that you think that you are crazy, at least you are suspecting that you are. (We project what we think of ourselves to others, automatically).
When you feel those feelings I quoted here, and as often as you feel this way, you do feel… crazy, don’t you. I mean, it doesn’t feel right, or okay to feel so troubled. Don’t you ask yourself what is wrong with me? when you feel this way?
Especially when you look at others and they don’t seem troubled.
This here is the trap, where most people get stuck.
Here is my input: your uncomfortable, distressing feelings do not indicate that there is something wrong with you. These feelings are not to be avoided, to be escaped, rejected, wished away. Your hope and healing is in these very feelings.
Some people escape their distressing feelings in ways that harm them, such as in drug abuse. Many escape their distressing feelings by abusing others. Many escape their feelings and live in the dark, so to speak, with little awareness (C.?)
These feelings you describe, as distressing as they are, are not your enemy but your friends. If you understood what is behind those feelings, you will no longer be confused.
Your confusion is not based on having crazy feelings but in misunderstanding your natural, valid feelings. If you understood, your distress would lessen greatly, just for understanding.
It would be such a shame if you lived the rest of your life believing deep inside that you are crazy, or that there is something wrong with you when in reality, there is nothing wrong with you.
What is wrong is that you were injured and you suffer the injuries inflicted on you. When a person is punched in the face and suffers a black eye, there is nothing wrong with the person for showing the black eye, it was a natural response to being punched in the face.
What is wrong is that you were injured, not that you suffer the results of the injuries.
You are very straightforward, a NSC. You state lots of truths but you need to relax as you state them, take deep breaths, so that you believe these truths.
I will stop here. I hope you read this attentively when calm. There is much here. Let me know.
anitaJanuary 19, 2018 at 11:32 am #187623
He reads like a kind man, by the way. Too bad you gave him such a difficult time that his health suffered.
I don’t think he is resting so to tell you to break up later on, at least this is not what I suggested. What I suggested that he may be considering breaking up, not that he made up his mind.
Can you give him the space he rightfully asked for, no matter how scared you are?
It will be a good practice for you, so that if the relationship does continues, you will be able in the future (no matter how scared/ insecure) to not make him suffer.
anitaJanuary 19, 2018 at 11:24 am #187621
* didn’t reflect under TopicsJanuary 19, 2018 at 11:21 am #187617
You are welcome and no, I don’t crave more of a social life. At times I enjoy it though, a social event here and there. And there is a dog in my life too. He is the neighbors’ dog, really, Hunter is his name. But he is ours too. He visits daily and we have treats for him. As a matter of fact we have big bags of quality food for him in the pantry. Regarding crossing paths in life, we already have. Thank you for your expressed appreciation.
You wrote: “no way to just be”- can you imagine, you started life just being. It took some work from your parents to change that.
You wrote that appearances is everything for your mother and that “every little thing is a reflection of who we are as people”- except for who you truly are. And so, other than superficial aspects of you and your sister, for example, your favorite foods and colors, your physical appearance, the sound of your voices, she doesn’t really know you. I know you way, way more than she does even though I could not recognize you on the street and I don’t know your favorite food.
Your parents suggested: “just use them”, (other people, to go shopping). Isn’t it amazing that at least your mother has used her two daughters all along, to your great disadvantage…
anitaJanuary 19, 2018 at 10:30 am #187601
You wrote that the two of you hid the relationship. Can you elaborate on that as well as the nature of the ups and downs in the relationship that you referred to?
anitaJanuary 19, 2018 at 10:16 am #187599
* didn’t reflect under Topics…January 19, 2018 at 10:15 am #187597
Dear Cali Chica:
More excellent insight on your part in the first two paragraphs of your recent post.
I am glad you liked my sharing on the other thread and you are welcome.
Regarding why your mother cried, what triggers her emotions about a visit with her daughter: “I am occupied. I am not lonely.”- my goodness, this means that it doesn’t matter who the person is that she is spending time with, as long as it is somebody, isn’t it?
It wouldn’t sound good to others if her daughters didn’t spend time with her, but her personal experience with either one of her daughters is not more than her experience with a stranger, is my thinking. If you recall how your mother behaves with strangers, do you think she is as happy, content and satisfied?