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anita

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  • #367934
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mish:

    I will read and reply to you when I am back to the computer in about 10 hours from now.

    anita

    #367933
    anita
    Participant

    Dear S:

    I will read and reply to you when I am back to the computer in about 10 hours from now.

    anita

    #367925
    anita
    Participant

    * I am re-posting the above, a cleaner, slightly edited version:

    Dear Marie:

    I read all your past posts (yes, I did). I want to start with a quick summary of those and then respond to your update of today. I am interested in your story and I thought that my attention to and summary of your story will interest you as well.

    Oct-Nov 2013 & March  2014– at the age of 29, you shared that in college, in your early 20s, you met your boyfriend, 8 years older than you. The two of you liked to drink at the time (“drinking has been a big part of socializing for me”), but as the years went by, your interests expanded to exercising, yoga, traveling, etc., but your boyfriend, although he loved hiking, cooking and traveling, continued to drink more than you were comfortable with, even getting a DUI.

    He lost two jobs in the first two years of the relationship with you, and was unemployed for five years afterward, living on his savings; you lived together and you paid for most of the groceries and for outings and trips. As time went on, his drinking became heavier (“alcohol is a huge part of his life. He loves it.. He says life is boring, that why he drinks… he’s never going to give up drinking”). He didn’t want to talk with you about his drinking, about his future with you, or without  you, about looking for a job, and about his feelings.

    You wrote that he was “the sweetest person in the world.. funny, charming, considerate”, but also,  a man who “doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life.. sort of stalled, running in place”. You had “zero chemistry” with him, “he hardly wants to be intimate anymore”. And yet, you wrote: “He calms me down. Makes me feel safe”.

    Sept 2014– you shared that you decided to move out of your boyfriend’s apartment about 5 months earlier, that you feel like a fool for holding on so long to that relationship. “I do still love him. Even though I feel like an idiot saying so”, you wrote. At the time, you were still open to resuming the relationship and “work on us”, but so far he’s ignored my requests, yet he doesn’t want to stop talking to me and still sends me pics of beautiful sunsets and stuff he’s cooked that night, etc.”.

    You shared that you “have very low self-worth and confidence. Not sure why. Just have always felt like I don’t belong and have always felt like I’m not good enough”.

    You shared that you hated your supervisor at the time, for belittling, undermining you and making you feel small, trying to make you “feel worthless and incompetent on a daily basis”. She was “toxic and soul-sucking.. an emotional vampire”. You suspected she suffered from a Narcissistic and/ or Borderline Personality Disorder.

    October 2014– you shared that you indeed moved out of your boyfriend’s apartment months before, following a “steady 7-year relationship” because at almost 40, he refused to “talk about the future (marriage, kids, next week) or his excessive drinking or the fact that he hasn’t had a job in almost seven years and also has lost interest in being intimate or communicating about anything important”.

    You shared that you found out that he was going to visit a mutual female friend, your former college and post-college roomie, who “lives by the beach and her world revolves around fun and not looking towards the future”. Your former roomie, like your former boyfriend, still loved to drink, and “most of their sexual experiences with others has been while intoxicated… a lot of drunk one-night stands for both of them.. both have the mentality of ‘Oh well, I was drunk!’ when they do such acts”. You were concerned that they will drink and have sex, “Maybe they’re perfect for each other as they both don’t really talk about their feelings”, you added.

    June 2015– You shared that you were at the time “in a beautiful, inspiring, growth-based, creative job (I love it)”, that you were free from your previous supervisor’s tentacles, but still, you had “moments of anger or confusion: Why? Why do people get off on trying to tear others down.. And how can I move on, once and for all, from the memory of how she treated me and others?”

    Five years later, June 2020– you shared that you were engaged to “a kind, supportive, smart, funny, compassionate man.. handsome and communicative”, whose mother is just such a woman that you mentioned five years before, a woman who “gets off on trying to tear others down”, an “extremely toxic” woman, having “99% of the symptoms of someone with Narcissistic and Borderline Personality Disorder”, “extremely manipulative and everything needs to be about her. Otherwise she has tantrums or lashes out. It’s exhausting”.

    You expressed concern of being trapped in a marriage that includes her, that she will turn against you the moment you disagree with her, that she will harm your potential children; “Will her exhaustive nature haunt our marriage?… Should I just call the whole thing off?”

    You wrote in regard to his mother, and such mothers in general: “I do not believe that giving someone life and bringing them into existence allows you a free pass to run rampant over their emotions, verbally abuse them, and expect them to have total allegiance to you for the rest of their lives. What an awful arrangement”.

    You shared that your fiancé “has an unhealthy relationship with his mother.. he puts up with her behavior and her calling him ‘a garbage person’ when he doesn’t do what she wants”, that it pains you to “see him be verbally belittled so often”. He shared with you that “he was miserable at home and would have chest pains/ headaches/ panic attacks”, that his sister didnt have contact with their mother for years, and that you were “not sure if my fiancé will agree to no contact”. You also mentioned that he was attending therapy.

    Four months later, October 2020, you shared that your “life partner” decided early this year “to take a break from his mom.. step away from the relationship and cease contact with her”. As a result he is “lighter and more confident now that he doesn’t have his mother telling him repeatedly that he is worthless and incapable of achieving his dreams. He no longer has ‘dead voice’ or depressed episodes after engaging with her. It truly does seem like a weight has been lifted… He is healing. He is laughing more. We are both focusing on the loving family and friend relationships in our lives that nurture joy, happiness, acceptance”.

    She still “calls and texts him multiple times a day/ week and tries to convince him that he is nothing without her, but he does not pick up the phone”.

    * I would like to add comments to my summary Mon morning (in about 16 hours from now). If you would like to post before I return (or afterwards), please do.

    anita

    #367920
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Marie:

    I read all your past posts (yes, I did). I want to start with a quick summary of those and then respond to your update of today. I am interested in your story and I thought that my attention to and summary of your story will interest you as well.

    Oct-Nov 2013 and March  2014- at 29/30, you shared that in college, in your early 20s, you met your boyfriend, 8 years older than you. The two of you liked to drink at the time (“drinking has been a big part of socializing for me”), but as the years went by, your interests expanded to exercising, yoga, traveling, etc., and your boyfriend, although he loved hiking, cooking and traveling, continued to drink more than you were comfortable with, even getting a DUI.

    He lost two jobs in the first two years of the relationship with you and was unemployed for five years afterward, living on his savings, but as you lived together, you paid for most of the groceries and for outings and trips. As time went on, his drinking became heavier (“alcohol is a huge part of his life. He loves it.. He says life is boring, that why he drinks… he’s never going to give up drinking”). He didn’t want to talk with you about his drinking, about his future, about his future with you, as a couple, about looking for a job, and about his feelings.  alcohol is a huge part of his life. He loves it… He says life is boring, that’s why he drinks

    You wrote that he was “the sweetest person in the world.. funny, charming, considerate”, but also,  a man who “doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life.. sort of stalled, running in place”. You had “zero chemistry” with him, “he hardly wants to be intimate anymore”. And yet, you wrote: “He calms me down. Makes me feel safe”.

    Sept 2014- you shared that you decided to move out of your boyfriend’s apartment about 5 months earlier, which would be about a month since your previous post. You wrote that you feel like a fool, for holding on so long to that relationship, but still, you wrote: “I do still love him. Even though I feel like an idiot saying so”. You were still open to resuming the relationship and “work on us… but so far he’s ignored my requests, yet he doesn’t want to stop talking to me and still sends me pics of beautiful sunsets and stuff he’s cooked that night, etc.”.

    You shared that you “have very low self-worth and confidence. Not sure why. Just have always felt like I don’t belong and have always felt like I’m not good enough”.

    You shared that you hated your supervisor at the time, who belittled and undermined you and made you feel small, trying to make you “feel worthless and incompetent on a daily basis”, “toxic and soul-sucking.. and emotional vampire”. You suspected she suffered from a Narcissistic and/ or Borderline Personality Disorder.

    October 2014- you shared that you indeed moved out of your boyfriend’s apartment months before, following a “steady 7-year relationship” because at almost 40, he refused to “talk about the future (marriage, kids, next week) or his excessive drinking or the fact that he hasn’t had a job in almost seven years and also has lost interest in being intimate or communicating about anything important”. You shared that you found out that he was going to visit your mutual female friend, your former college and post-college roomie, who “lives by the beach and her world revolves around fun and not looking towards the future”. Your former roomie, like your former boyfriend, still loved to drink, and like your former boyfriend, “most of their sexual experiences with others has been while intoxicated… a lot of drunk one-night stands for both of them.. both have the mentality of ‘Oh well, I was drunk!’ when they do such acts”. You were concerned at the time that spending time together, they will drink and have sex. “Maybe they’re perfect for each other as they both don’t really talk about their feelings”, you added.

    June 2015- You shared that you were at the time “in a beautiful, inspiring, growth-based, creative job (I love it)”, that you were free from your previous supervisor’s tentacles, but still, you had “moments of anger or confusion: Why? Why do people get off on trying to tear others down.. And how can I move on, once and for all, from the memory of how she treated me and others?”

    a kind, supportive, smart, funny, compassionate man. And he’s handsome and communicative

    Five years later, June 2020- you shared that you were engaged to “a kind, supportive, smart, funny, compassionate man.. handsome and communicative”, whose mother is just such a woman that you mentioned five years before, a woman who “gets off on trying to tear others down”, an “extremely toxic” woman, having “99% of the symptoms of someone with Narcissistic and Borderline Personality Disorder”, “extremely manipulative and everything needs to be about her. Otherwise she has tantrums or lashes out. It’s exhausting”. You expressed concern of being trapped in a marriage that includes her, that she will turn against you the moment you disagree with her, that she will harm your potential children . “Will her exhaustive nature haunt our marriage?… Should I just call the whole thing off?”

    You wrote in regard to his mother, and such mothers in general: “I do not believe that giving someone life and bringing them into existence allows you a free pass to run rampant over their emotions, verbally abuse them, and expect them to have total allegiance to you for the rest of their lives. What an awful arrangement”.

    You shared that your fiancé “has an unhealthy relationship with his mother.. he puts up with her behavior and her calling him ‘a garbage person’ when he doesn’t do what she wants”, that it pains you to “see him be verbally belittled so often”. He shared with you that “he was miserable at home and would have chest pains/ headaches/ panic attacks”, that his sister didnt have contact with her for years, and that you were “not sure if my fiancé will agree to no contact”. You also mentioned that he was attending therapy.

    Four months later, October 2020, you shared that your “life partner” decided early this year “to take a break from his mom.. step away from the relationship and cease contact with her”. As a result he is “lighter and more confident now that he doesn’t have his mother telling him repeatedly that he is worthless and incapable of achieving his dreams. He no longer has ‘dead voice’ or depressed episodes after engaging with her. It truly does seem like a weight has been lifted… He is healing. He is laughing more. We are both focusing on the loving family and friend relationships in our lives that nurture joy, happiness, acceptance”

    She still “calls and texts him multiple times a day/ week and tries to convince him that he is nothing without her, but he does not pick up the phone”.

    * I would like to add comments to my summary later, Mon morning (in about 16 hours from now), and if you would like to post again, before I return, please do- I would like to read more from you.

    anita

    #367919
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Georgia:

    “I look forward to the day where we get our freedom back. Physical freedom and mental freedom from fear”- I have noticed early in the pandemic that as we all faced a new danger, a new real-and-present danger, most of us humans, if not all, were far from being free from fear before the pandemic. So many of us were prisoners of fear while free to be in big crowds, while not having Covid-19 to worry about.

    “I’m tired of hearing about death all the time”- this is what the pandemic brought to our attention, death. Although death has always been a daily reality everywhere in the world, people dying from multiple causes. It’s just that the numbers were not brought to our attention every single day, multiple times per day.

    “I struggle to make long term visions and dreams because globally it all look so dark and menacing: pandemics, revolts, climate changes, conspiracy theories”- and before the pandemic, and before the pandemic combined with climate changes disasters like the recent fires and hurricanes, and the civil unrest and dangerous, anti-science politics in some parts of the world- so many people struggled to make long term visions and dreams plans because .. personally and individually, it all looked so dark and menacing.

    “I think the best way to handle it all is just to let it go, and whatever will have to happen, will happen”- you mean no more social distancing, no masks… that would mean more sickness, more suffering, more death than otherwise. Not a good idea, Georgia. What you expressed here is what is called “pandemic fatigue”.

    connect. ucla health. org, 7 steps to reduce pandemic fatigue, reads: “Wrestling with intense emotions day after day drain your energy, causing pandemic fatigue. The fatigue can stem from a number of emotions you’ve experienced during the pandemic, including: fear, anxiety, loneliness, hopelessness… Take these steps to renew your energy and feel more in control:

    #1. Take care of your body.. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep (at least seven hours a night) and maintaining a nutritious diet.. exercising every day is important too. Doing these things will boost your energy, lift your mood and strengthen your immune system.

    #2. Limit your news intake: .. too much news can overload you with negative emotions and zap your energy. Take a break from the news for a day or two and see if you feel better… And be sure to choose an accurate source of information.

    #3: Lower your stress: Focusing on activities that are calming or bring you joy can lower your stress level… Activities to consider include: breathing exercises, yoga, nature walks, reading, watching comedy.

    #4: Connect with others: Humans are social creatures by nature… Make phone calls, arrange video meetings, chat on social media..

    #5: Accept your feelings: .. acknowledge and name your feelings. Allow yourself to have them. Then refocus your mind and energy on things you can do to feel better. If your feelings are overwhelming or all-consuming- and getting in the way of your daily activities- reach out to a health care provider. Protecting your emotional health is just as important as caring for yourself physically.

    #6: Try positive self-talk: .. Try catching those negative thoughts and replacing them with more realistic statements. For example, replace thoughts about acquiring Covid-19 with what you’re doing to stay safe.

    #7: Create new traditions:.. For instance, you might set aside Sunday nights for self-care… focus on a hobby such as playing guitar or scrapbooking.. To socialize, you might make Friday your family movie night or picnic in the back yard every Saturday.. Be creative and come up with ideas that work best for you.”

    “On a personal level, I still struggle with certain coping mechanisms and turmoil but I accept it all way more.. I am enough and I have the intention to stay on this course and no longer abandon myself, or let myself in situations that kill me internally”- yes, do accept yourself with compassion, best you can, including certain coping mechanisms, like OCD. Do not abandon myself, do not let situations kill you internally or externally, best you can.

    anita

    #367917
    anita
    Participant

    Dear msfuturedoctor:

    You shared that your mother, a second eldest of six children in India, in accordance with the arranged marriage tradition, married your father, “an authentic Gujarati man in every way- joint family, small town, family business, and the two of them moved from India to the U.S., as well as members of his side f the family, including his sister, with the aim of starting “their own nuclear families”.

    * Wikipedia: the Gujarati people mainly inhabit the Indian state of Gujarat in Western India, but millions live in other parts of India, and in many parts of the world. In recent decades, larger numbers of Gujaratis have migrated to the UK, Australia, New Zealand, Canada and the US.  All through history Gujaratis have earned a reputation as being India’s greatest merchants, industrialists and business entrepreneurs. Early immigrants to the U.S after 1965 were highly educated professionals. “Given the Gujarati propensity for business enterprise, a number of them opened shops and motels. .. in the 21st century over 40% of the hospitality industry in the United States is controlled by Gujaratis… The descendants of the Gujarati immigrant generation have also made high levels of advancement into professional fields, including physicians, engineers and politicians.

    Back to your individual family story: for some time, your mother lived with your father’s parents, and with other family members. Your father, although married to your mother, remained dedicated to his original family, particularly to his sister. His sister/ your aunt, a woman who “sits at home and complains about stuff all day” while her husband/ your uncle provides for the family,  “always caused problems in my parents’ marriage. Starting fights between them, saying my mom was being unreasonable”.

    Your mother, “hot tempered, but not a bad person”, a hard working woman who worked together with your father in the family business, “never got any good times from when they lived with his parents or when they lived together. Her younger brothers and sisters, seeing their marriage, “swore they wouldn’t marry anyone from the Gujarat area.

    Toward the end of your parents’ marriage, before your father’s death six years ago, you saw an improvement in their relationship. “It was beautiful… They stopped fighting. They were more loving. It was perfect. And I will never forget that picture perfect part of our family”.  And then, your father got sick with cancer. While in the hospital in the last 12 days of his life, your mother “stayed there with him. Every. Single. Day. She sat with him, talked to him, recited Indian prayers, doing anything she could in her power to fix this”. Sometime during those 12 days, six years ago, while you were 17, and your younger  brother was 10, your father told your mother that “he ruined her life and that she should marry someone who will keep her happy and take care of their 2 kids”

    After his passing, six years ago, your life changed drastically: with your mother and brother, you moved out of the home “where my parents planned to live for the rest of our lives, we got out of the business that my parents worked and built together, we even moved states. So now we live in a.. different state, with a whole different business, in a whole different house… it’s sometimes hard to remember what ‘my life’ used to look like before this”.

    At this point, regarding what your father told your mother before his death, something you recently found out, “it feels like such a huge hit to hear this. I can’t seem to make sense of it.  My dad ruined my mom’s life?.. What do I do? How can I help? I am feeling so lost.. what is it could do beside turn back time? .. I hate to see my father in such bad light, but… maybe there is more to the story. But all these feelings itself feel SO CONFLICTING. If anyone has any advice”-

    My thoughts:

    1. “My dad ruined my mom’s life?.. I hate to see my father in such a bad light”- when your father, in the last days of his life, told your mother that he ruined her life, I don’t think that this thought occurred to him for the first time in his life. It is likely that your mother, a hot tempered woman, accused him of ruining her life many times during their many fights over the years. While she was upset when living with his parents, while upset that he let his sister cause them problems, she may have accused your father: you ruined my life!!! Fast forward, in his last days, he remembers her accusation, feeling guilty, he addresses it. In reality, they both ruined their marriage, in addition to his sister doing her share, and they both tried to help their marriage, achieving a measure of success in the last years of the marriage.

    2. In your May 2019 thread, you wrote regarding your boyfriend of over three years at the time, that he is “so  kind and caring.. extremely loyal.. he honestly and truly has never given me a reason to mistrust him”, and yet, you wrote: “I have found it hard for me to trust him sometimes, and I get jealous and mistrusting very easily”. In August 2019, regarding the same issue, I suggested to you: “Your boyfriend didn’t betray your trust, but someone did, someone in your family”. More than a year later, after reading your current original post, I figure that the betrayal you experienced in your original home, living with your parents, is a betrayal by proxy, that is, you heard your parents fight and your mother accusing your father for betraying her, for being dedicated and loyal not to her (and to his children), but to his sister.

    Your empathy was and is with your mother, and so, you identified with her struggles, with her pain, and therefore, her pain was your own, the betrayal she experienced and expressed.. was your own.

    Because of this powerful empathy for your mother, I don’t think you have had an objective understanding of their marriage, or of your parents (this is most often the case as far as children’s understanding of their parents). It is not likely that objectively your father ruined your mother’s life. First, he didn’t invent the tradition of arranged marriage, second, lots of love marriages are troubled and end in divorce (the love in the love marriages expires), third, being married to a hot tempered woman is not easy for any man- it is not a plus in a marriage. Fourth, reads to me that your father was a hard working, loyal family man, although with an excessive loyalty to his meddling sister.

    “What do I do? How can I help?”- if you would like, let me know what you think about my input so far, and I will be glad to try and answer these questions, and any others that you may have.

    anita

    #367912
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Georgia:

    I will be back to you Sun morning, in about 14 hours from now.

    anita

    #367910
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Georgia:

    And my real name is still..  anita. It is a stressful, deadly year globally. But for so many, many individuals- previous years were just as stressful, even more. If you re-read your own accounts, you can see that for yourself. And that means, that indeed, your hope is in (1)  keeping yourself as healthy and as safe as possible and (2) in taking the meds you need to take, and in doing the hard, long healing work in psychotherapy.

    I am doing as well as I can manage to do, thank you.

    anita

    #367909
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Reader:

    Worldometer, Oct 17: there were over 71.6 thousand new cases in the U.S. yesterday, an increase from the day before. (There were only seven days in July with higher daily new cases than yesterday). The following U.S. stated experienced their all-time pandemic high of new cases yesterday: Wisconsin (3,861), North Carolina (2,684), Minnesota (2,290), Kansas (1,805), Colorado (1,312), Idaho (1,094), North Dakota (864), Wyoming (290). The following US states experienced their second all-time pandemic high of new cases yesterday: Illinois (5,103),  Michigan (2,206), Ohio (2,104) and Iowa (1,790).

    In the U.S., there were 928 new deaths yesterday, an increase from the day before.

    The following countries experienced their all-time pandemic high of new cases yesterday: Russia (15,150), The Czech Republic (11,102), Belgium (10,448), Italy (10,010), The Netherlands (7,984), Ukraine (5,992), Romania (4,026). Poland had its second all-time pandemic high yesterday,  of 7,705 new cases.

    CNN: US Coronavirus, Fauci warns that Covid-19 infection rates are too high heading into winter (Oct 16): “The number of coronavirus cases in the United States surpassed 8 million on Friday as health officials from coast to coast scramble to contain the rising rate of infections. The case numbers are steadily increasing daily, according to data from Johns Hopkins University… ‘You can’t enter into the cool months of the fall and the cold months of the winter with a high community infection baseline,’ Fauci said in a John Hopkins virtual event posted Friday…

    “Hospitalizations increased as well. Seven states saw a record for Covid-19 hospitalizations Thursday — Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Missouri, Montana, Oklahoma and Wisconsin, according to the Covid Tracking Project. The test positivity has gotten much worse in certain states — sitting above 20% Friday in Idaho, Iowa, South Dakota and Wisconsin. US Surgeon General Jerome Adams said Friday in a news conference that Wisconsin is now considered a ‘red state’ because the positivity rate is “going in the wrong direction.”..

    “It doesn’t have to be this way. Experts have repeatedly said that doubling down on simple safety measures including masks, social distancing and hand washing can help slow transmission of the virus. Universal mask wearing could save the lives of more than 70,000 Americans in the next three and a half months, according to IHME” (Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation, a research institute working in the area of global health statistics at the University of Washington in Seattle).

    The Wall Street Journal, More than 1,000 current and former CDC officers condemn U.S Covid-19 response (Oct 16): “More than 1,000 current and former officers of an elite disease-fighting program at the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have signed an open letter expressing dismay at the nation’s public-health response to the Covid-19 pandemic and calling for the federal agency to play a more central role.

    “‘The absence of national leadership on Covid-19 is unprecedented and dangerous,’ said the letter, signed by current and former officers of the CDC’s Epidemic Intelligence Service of outbreak investigators. ‘CDC should be at the forefront of a successful response to this global public health emergency.’… All of the signatories were writing to ‘express our concern about the ominous politicization and silencing of the nation’s health protection agency’ during the current pandemic, said their letter, which was published Friday in the Epidemiology Monitor, a newsletter for epidemiologists.

    “‘CDC has today, as it has every day during its 74-year history, provided the best available information and recommendations to the American public,’ the agency said in a response to the letter. ‘Since January, more than 5,200 CDC personnel have dedicated themselves to protecting the health of the American people.’

    “Long regarded as the world’s premier public health agency, the CDC normally plays a leading role globally in a response to epidemics. The Trump administration has been deeply involved at times in the shaping of scientific recommendations at the CDC during the pandemic, raising objections to guidelines for reopening churches and schools and for wearing masks, The Wall Street Journal reported. An administration spokesman said that ‘the CDC occupies a critical seat on the (coronavirus) task force, which is made up of public health leaders with an array of valuable expertise.’

    “Trust has eroded in the agency, a recent poll showed. Former agency officials and other public health professionals have spoken up in defense of the CDC, and argue it needs to resume its leading and science-based role heading the nation’s pandemic defenses…The CDC’s recommendations and leadership are critical to help often under-resourced state and local health departments respond effectively in a pandemic, said Jeanette Stehr-Green, a public-health consultant in Port Angeles, Wash., who signed the letter…”

    anita

     

    #367907
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    I spent a few hours this morning reading our past communication, thinking that maybe I can add something to what I already wrote to you before. After reading, I am genuinely impressed by all the time, effort, thoughtfulness, research and patience that I invested and practiced in my massive communication with you, how much I shared with you about my personal life experience.. there is absolutely nothing that I kept away from you in my efforts to be helpful.

    Our communication started in your three short threads: July 29, 2016,  March 24-25, 2018, and May 15-16, 2018,  and continued in this very active, long thread: Sept 12, 2019- March 15, 2020.

    In my closing March 15 post to you, page 26, I wrote to you: “Maybe if I don’t communicate with you anymore, maybe then, you will want psychotherapy. You can, if you want, copy all of our communication into a Word document, so that you have it as your own.. there is a lot in it- all that I had to give you. If you do seek psychotherapy, you can use our communication in therapy. I am now closing our communication… I hope you seek quality psychotherapy and get to experience a better and better life!”.

    Seven months later, October 16, 2020, you wrote to me: “Currently I’ve started both psychotherapy and meds”- I was so glad to read this, that I answered you yesterday. In your most second, most recent post, you wrote: “I just started the journey with my therapist..”- I was so glad to read this, this morning- that I spent a few hours re-reading our previous communication, thinking that maybe I can add something new. To my surprise, there is nothing I can add. I’ve said it all, in so many ways, using different imageries, addressing topics from different angles, returning to them again and again. Nothing at all that I can add to what I already wrote to you in the previous 26 pages of this thread.

    anita

     

    #367899
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jadwiga:

    You are welcome. I am so glad to read that you are experiencing a massive relief, so very glad. From personal experience, we can dream and believe what we dreamed actually happened. I dreamed once, as a child, or a teenager,  that I flew like a bird. It felt so real that for the longest time I had a hard time believing it did not happen.

    Post again anytime you want to, if you do.

    anita

    #367897
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gaia:

    I appreciate you letting  me know that you started both psychotherapy and meds. I hope that you are receiving quality professional help and that you persist in it over time, doing the work required, however long it takes.

    Thank you for expressing appreciation of my efforts to help you. I wish you to be safe and healthy, as well as all of Italy, all of Europe and the rest of the world- to be a safer and healthier place for us all.

    anita

    #367896
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jadwiga:

    I am not able to delete your second post (I am a member here, just like you). It doesn’t seem to me like a problem, that you repeated yourself in the third post.

    It didn’t occur to me earlier, but seems to me that best would be for you to talk to a school counselor about the molestation; ask a mental health professional within school or in the community where you live for help and guidance as to what to do  next.

    “I don’t have proof of what happened”- you need proof only in a court of law. Your memories are proof enough here, on your thread.

    “I will confirm my sister has stopped”- good. But keep your eyes open if/ when she spends time with a child, and again- consult with a health professional on the matter.

    “how was it not molestation/ rape?”- I am not sure I understand: was your mother asleep at the time you moved your body against hers?

    anita

     

    #367889
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jadwiga:

    Do not worry: I will not insult you, not in this post, not in any future post to you, I will not express any doubt about you telling the truth, I will not ask you for details about your molestation, and I will not give you the false sympathy. I do not feel guilt-tripped by you, and I am not one of those fortunate people who had an “innocent childhood.. showered with love”.

    You shared that you are a minor, living with your parents and with your adult sister. Your parents have hated each other and fought all the time, your family was “always divided”, and you “never really could experience a real family”.

    Your sister has secretly hated your parents, and at 21, while you were a younger minor, she “committed horrible acts” on you, “definitely molestation”. You referred to her as “a pedophile” for what she did to you.

    At the time of the molestation, you didn’t realize it was molestation, and you took photos of her without her knowledge before or after the molestation incident, one showed a bit of her underwear. You later realized that indeed, it was molestation, confronted her, and she denied it, lied, and tried to shift the blame to you.

    You wrote that you “feel sympathy for people even if they’ve wronged me”- I assume you are referring to feeling sympathy for your sister, and if I understand correctly, you feel guilty for having taken photos of her without her consent.

    You shared that at the age of 9 or 10, you “dry hump(ed)” your mother for a few seconds, “not knowing that it was bad”. Your mother forgave you for all of your “past mistakes since I was still a kid and I wouldn’t do it again”, but nonetheless, you feel “very uneasy thinking about it”. It makes you think that you are “no longer a victim because of the things I did”, and you don’t want to think of yourself  “as a rapist and in the same category as my pedophile sister”.

    Your father is in a bad mental state. He said that the only reason he lives is because of you and your sister. You don’t want to tell him about the molestation because you are afraid that he will not believe you, or that if he believes you, he will kill himself over having raised your sister, a pedophile.

    My input today:

    1. If I understand correctly, you are no longer at risk of being molested by your sister (?) It is important that any and all children will be protected from your sister, that she will not be allowed to spend time alone with other children. If it takes telling any one of your parents about the molestation so that they will protect other children, it is necessary that you do indeed tell any one of them, or both.

    2. I understand you feeling sympathy for your sister at times. I felt intense sympathy for my mother, for the longest time, even though she hurt me badly. Regardless of that sympathy, I hope you hold your sister accountable for the wrong she inflicted on you, especially it being that she was an adult when she wronged you.

    3. The fact that you dry humped your mother for a few seconds when you were 9 or 10, and your mother was in her thirties or forties, on an impulse of sort, does not change the fact that you were your sister’s victim when your sister, as an adult, molested you (a child), and later denied it and tried to shift the blame to you. What you did to your mother was inappropriate, but it was not a molestation, nor was it a rape.

    Regarding you taking photos of your sister without her consent before or after she molested you (without your consent!!!)- I don’t see a valid reason for your guilty feelings on the matter.

    4. Your parents hating each other and fighting a lot; your father being in a bad mental state, talking to his children about taking his own life- all that created a damaging home environment for your sister and you; a chaotic, unsafe, unfair environment for any child. Damaged people tend to proceed and damage others. This is not an excuse for your sister having molested you, and she indeed should be held accountable and suffer some consequences for what she did.

    Post again if you want to. I would like to read  more about your thoughts and feelings.

    anita

     

     

    #367888
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Reader:

    Worldometer, Oct 16: The all-time pandemic high of new cases in the U.S. was on July 24, almost 79 thousand new cases on that day. Sept 7 had the lowest number of new cases since July 24: just over 25.8 thousand new cases on that day. Yesterday, Oct 15, there were over 66 thousand new cases, higher than yesterday, and the highest since Aug 1. There were 874 new deaths yesterday in the U.S..

    Yesterday was an all-time pandemic high for the following countries: France, with over 30.6 thousand new case; the Czech Republic with over 9.7 thousand new cases; Italy, with just over 8.8 thousand new cases; Poland and Belgium, with over 8 thousand new cases each; the Netherlands, with almost 7.8 thousand new cases; Germany with over 7 thousand new cases; Austria, with over 1.5 thousand new cases, and Bulgaria with close to a thousand new cases.

    Yesterday was the U.K. second all-time pandemic high of new cases, just under 19 thousand(second to the day before yesterday); Romania over 4 thousands (second to the day before yesterday); Switzerland with over 2.6 thousand new cases (second to the day before yesterday), and Ireland, with over a thousand new cases (second to April 10).

    The Hill: Key coronavirus model predicts nearly 80 percent rise in deaths by February (Oct 16): “A key model foresees approximately 171,000 more coronavirus related deaths by February 2021, a number that would represent a spike of 78 percent. The model from the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation at the University of Washington School of Medicine suggests there will be roughly 389,087 deaths by Feb. 1.

    “If all Americans use face masks, the model’s best-case scenario projects 314,000 deaths by that date. The model, however, foresees more than 477,000 deaths if mask mandates are eased. ‘We expect deaths to stop declining and begin increasing in the next one to two weeks,’ researchers said, according to CNN. ‘The winter surge appears to have begun somewhat later than the surge in Europe. Daily deaths will reach over 2,000 a day in January even with many states reimposing mandates before the end of the year.’…

    “Public health experts are warning that rising cases will continue to spike as the weather cools and people move indoors… Anthony Fauci, the government’s top infectious disease expert, on Thursday warned that American families should ‘evaluate the risk-benefit’ of having a Thanksgiving gathering with regard to spreading coronavirus… He called the current situation in the U.S. ‘quite concerning [and] we’ve really got to double down on the fundamental public health measures that we talk about every single day because they can make a difference.'”

    anita

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