Forum Replies Created
September 24, 2018 at 6:21 am #226953
So you still want to tell him things, you still want to communicate with him, you want answers from him, to talk to him (“there're lot of untold things to him… get answers from him.. I wish I can talk to him”), you deactivated your social accounts but didn't block or delete him, still hoping he will reach out to you (“but so far he never tired to reach me”), you still look for him on whats app.
Basically, in your heart, the relationship is still going on and/or is about to resume at any time. You didn't get to a realization yet that the relationship is really over. Until you do, you will be stuck in this sadness and hurt and disbelief, that kind of clueless state of mind (“I'm kind of clueless”).
Is the relationship over or is it not over?
anitaSeptember 24, 2018 at 5:57 am #226949
You are not considering leaving him and moving away, so you are limited to the social life that is available to you, that friend you walk with, your sister that you can visit more often, co workers perhaps, online. You mentioned a new routine, that can help as well.
And I suppose you did everything you could to explain to your husband that you are lonely and he.. doesn't care?
September 24, 2018 at 5:41 am #226943
- This reply was modified 28 minutes ago by anita.
I experienced life very similar to the way you do, I too had “a negative view of myself. I (didn't) ever feel like anyone really likes me or that I'm good at anything. I often feel lonely”, and I too was “obsessed with trying to be ‘better'… constantly feeling like I need to change my life and be better in every aspect”-
I felt that I needed to be someone else, not who I was: inferior to others, not worth it, not worth other people's respect. It was a miserable way to live that brought about dysfunction in every aspect of my life.
This attitude, this deep core belief of being less-than, came about because I really was treated as less than by mother. I really was disrespected. So I believed it was so because there was something very wrong and very inferior about me. And then, this core belief kept getting activated every day of my life.
What about you as a child, were you treated disrespectfully, ignored, unattended to, as if you were not important?
anitaSeptember 24, 2018 at 5:31 am #226941
When I am troubled about a situation, I ask myself: is there anything I need to do? If there is nothing for me to do, then it helps me to know that there is nothing for me to do, no action to consider taking.
This takes away that need to think and think and think. We think when we think that there is something we need to do.
Is there something you need to do? Recently you thought of doing something, sending him that email. That brought about lots of thinking and enforced your feelings about him, missing him, needing him etc.
You decided not to send that email. Is there anything else you consider doing, any action to take?
anitaSeptember 24, 2018 at 4:43 am #226935
Sri Lanka, same marriage culture though, isn't it? You can help educate women in Sri Lanka and India and wherever arranged marriages is the practice.
“I truly loved him and was blind”- strong emotion will blind us. Not only love but anger, and ongoing fear as well, makes our brain foggy so we don't think effectively.
We think a lot when under the influence of strong emotion, but we don't think effectively. Logic is lost in that overthinking. So what is the logical thing for you to do now?
anitaSeptember 24, 2018 at 4:36 am #226933
“about 6 months ago we allowed a wedge come between us”- that wedge then must have been significant, leading to the breakup, while the “normal relationship issues” in your case, weren't significant. What was that wedge, I wonder. Was it insurmountable, nothing that could have been resolved?
anitaSeptember 24, 2018 at 4:26 am #226925
* correction, last paragraph: ” without his parents' approval”, not without his parents' disapproval.September 24, 2018 at 4:22 am #226923
I am glad to read from you and looking forward to reading more from you!
anitaSeptember 24, 2018 at 4:17 am #226919
There are a few elements in your story:
1. The age difference: you were 32 when the relationship started, and a woman's age, like you mentioned yourself, is a sensitive issue in the Muslim culture where a woman is expected to get married in her early twenties. So when you met him you were already passed marrying age. He on the other hand, as a man of 26 at the time was not restricted that way and under no pressure to get married soon.
2. You and him live in India where a person's marriage is his parents' business. I read more than a dozen threads in the Relationship Forum here, threads written by women who were not able to marry who they wanted because the man's parents disapproved of the marriage. (There was only one thread, the most recent, where a man did marry a woman his parents disapproved of, only to allow his parents to mistreat her on a regular, ongoing basis after the marriage).
You wrote in your original post: “during the 2nd year of our relationship he communicated my age to them (his parents) and they were not happy… his mother called me and told me to stop the affair”- and so, early on, you were about 33 then, the relationship was doomed, marriage was not going to take place.
3. Your misunderstanding of #2. You pushed him away and took him back, argued with him and so on, as if the choice to marry you was his. You put your trust in his feelings instead of putting your trust in the reality you live in, that is, a marriage was not going to take place and it had nothing to do with how strongly he loved you, what he told you, none of that. It was about his parents, not about him.
It was never about how much he loved you or how much you loved him. It still isn't.
Yesterday when I wrote to you about justice, I forgot about the fact that his parents had let you know early on that they disapprove of a marriage between the two of you, and that you continued the relationship in secret because of their disapproval. If his parents mislead you, if he and his parents promised you marriage for seven years and then withdrew, at least in the USA if that happened, you could have filed a civil lawsuit seeking significant financial compensation.
The only justice you can make happen is to educate women regarding getting involved with Indian men, educate them that marrying an Indian man without his parents' disapproval is almost impossible. You can join efforts with other women who are trying to educate women and prevent them from future heartache and wasted years.
anitaSeptember 23, 2018 at 10:53 am #226833
I think he posted what he posted not so to hurt you but because he is going on with his life, you being in his past, issue closed. Only it is not close for you, understandably. I have a few ideas, maybe there is a way for you to not get him back, or.. make him marry you, but get some justice for yourself, at least attempt at some justice. I will be back to the computer in about 17 hours.
anitaSeptember 23, 2018 at 8:19 am #226795
I will get back to you shortly. (away from the computer for a while)
anitaSeptember 23, 2018 at 6:10 am #226783
I am glad you realize that you have been toxic, or abusive to this man and that you care to stop these behaviors on your part.
You wrote: “I don't know if I should just break up with him… Or if I should take some time off the relationship.. Or stay”-
My answer: if you cannot immediately stop abusing your boyfriend, take a break or end the relationship immediately. You should not keep abusing him while working on yourself so that in a future time you will no longer be abusive. The abuse has to stop now.
You asked for “some advice on how to proceed and learn to love myself, improve my self-esteem and stop projecting my insecurities on others”-
My advice: specifically identify the abusive (or toxic) behaviors, list them. Then notice when you are about to do this or that abusive behavior. At that point, take a deep, slow breath and do not do that behavior. No matter how you feel, do not behave in this or that way that you determined to be toxic.
For example, when you notice that you are about to tell him he is doing something wrong (“every time we hang out I point out something he is doing wrong”), take a deep, slow breath, and don't tell him he is doing something wrong. Instead, say nothing. If you need to, take a time out, get busy washing dishes or such, distracting yourself. When you feel calm go back to interacting with him.
As you practice this, you will build confidence in yourself, a sense of control and contentment with your ability to live up to what you value. This confidence, control and contentment are parts of what you aim at (“to love myself, improve my self esteem”).
anitaSeptember 23, 2018 at 5:52 am #226781
I didn't understand:
1. What did your friends criticize about you, specifically?
2. What expectations did you have from your friends, expectations you are trying to change?
Take your time answering, maybe have someone help you express yourself in English, so that I can understand what you are trying to communicate.
anitaSeptember 23, 2018 at 5:40 am #226779
I do hope you feel better soon.
It happens a whole lot that women want an emotional connection with a man while the man wants nothing but a sexual connection. I wish I understood this before. But sometimes a woman understand this, but her need for connection, for a hug, for understanding is so strong that she .. forgets what she knows.
Was that the case in your experience, that you were desperate for that emotional connection at the time?
anitaSeptember 23, 2018 at 5:15 am #226773
You wrote. “the way he's hurting me is unbelievable”- do you think that he was trying to hurt you when he posted photos of himself smiling on a trip, that he meant for you to see those photos and feel the pain that you feel?