Forum Replies Created
January 28, 2020 at 6:22 pm #335590
I am glad you “got past the shame that the note the woman left” you with, and that you are intrigued instead. Shame is a terrible feeling- thinking, a painful experience.
Intrigued myself, I looked at Wikipedia and there is an entry for “Blackheart”. It states there: “Blackheart is a fictional character appearing in American comic books published by Marvel Comics. The character is usually depicted as an adversary to the superhero Ghost Rider… The character has also appeared in other media, such as the 2000 video game Marvel vs Capcom 2, and in the 2007 film Ghost Rider… He possesses vast inherent supernatural powers, including superhuman strength, speed and endurance which are magical in nature. He also has telekinetic and telepathic powers”-
– if you did indeed have this kind of a black heart, you certainly don’t need this woman’s prayers, because you have all these supernatural powers.
The urban dictionary has this definition for black heart: “a person who is no longer able to feel emotion i.e. their heart is dead. Usually occurs after multiple tragedies in life” and the slang dictionary states: “A black heart describes someone or something seen as innately evil or fundamentally corrupt”.
Who knows what this woman meant. I suppose you can research further on what it means in various contexts.
anitaJanuary 28, 2020 at 3:00 pm #335568
You are welcome and thank you for your kind words.
“she didn’t seem like a mean or cruel person”- doesn’t mean she was not a mean or cruel person. Traditional cartoon artists make sure that a mean and cruel character looks mean and cruel at all times, but in real life mean and cruel people aren’t cruel and mean at all times and when they are, they don’t necessarily appear that way, on purpose or because of disassociation.
Regarding why her comment resonates with you, it probably has to do with what you shared Dec 2016, in your thread about shame, you wrote that comments your mother made left you “to feel immense amounts of shame.. incredibly shameful comments… These comments are haunting me and I want to make peace with them and my mom”.
She never apologized for those comments, did she.
(I will be back to the computer in a few hours).
January 28, 2020 at 2:23 pm #335556
- This reply was modified 3 hours, 52 minutes ago by anita.
I am glad that you see the difference.
Regarding you being curious to see where this will lead you- I am here to accompany you on the way to where this particular insight (empathy vs pity) leads. This insight is just the beginning.
Here is what I suggest that you do for the rest of today and tomorrow: as you notice that you are doing those habits you mentioned, and as you notice the beginning of you criticizing and hating yourself for doing these things (daydreaming, procrastinating doing what needs to be done, etc.), shift from self-criticism/hate —> self empathy.
And let me know about it tomorrow.
Like I wrote before, it takes time and patience. And guidance. Before, you didn’t have this combination to make your efforts successful. Now you do, so success for you is now possible.
anitaJanuary 28, 2020 at 11:57 am #335542
There is a difference between empathy (or sympathy) and pity. If I felt pity for you, it would mean that I look down at you, thinking you are less than me, thinking something like: poor Gaia, she is so unfortunate being who she is, less intelligent than me. I am lucky I am not her..
No, no, no- empathy is not pity. Feeling empathy for you I think something like this: I used to suffer just like Gaia, she is just as intelligent as I am. Because I was where she is (and am still healing and learning), maybe I can teach her how I made progress so that she can have a better life. I know she is very intelligent, it is just that she has been stuck for so long, like I was.
Do you see the difference?
anitaJanuary 28, 2020 at 11:45 am #335538
Good to read from you again.
May last year, this woman left a note by your things which said: “I see energy, you have a black heart, I will pray for you”. You asked what it means and “whether she was a trustworthy person or not”-
– she was not a trustworthy or responsible person because if she was, she would have left you a note asking to speak to you so to get to know you better and offer you some… cure for an alleged black heart.
It is similar to this: a Christian comes across a non-Christian and instead of inviting that person to church for coffee and cookies and pleasant fellowship, he leaves a note to the non-Christian: you are going to hell, I will be praying for you!- that’s not helpful, is it.
Which brings me to the thought: what does her note say about her heart? Leaving you a note with the judgement that your heart is black (whatever it means, but doesn’t read like a good thing) without any suggestion of what you can do to fix it?
A good person, a concerned and responsible person, wouldn’t leave a note like this. Given the sender of the message is not good or responsible, but rude and crude… I see no reason to value her message.
January 28, 2020 at 11:12 am #335530
- This reply was modified 7 hours, 6 minutes ago by anita.
You are welcome. Reads like indeed “he is depressed and .. a lot of that is clouding his thinking about this relationship” with you, and I agree with you that if you gave this relationship more patience and time it most likely wouldn’t have made a difference, simply because his relationship history (his own and his parents’).
anitaJanuary 28, 2020 at 10:58 am #335526
(I like it that you are addressing your posts to me the way you do, by the way).
Regarding the habits you mentioned, first thing to do in the effort of changing them is to accept them, meaning, to stop hating them and hating yourself for performing these habits.
Your habit of daydreaming is about feeling better, taking a break from the suffering you mentioned earlier. Have empathy for yourself for suffering so much that you need to daydream so much.
Have empathy for yourself that you feel so lonely that you need to stalk your crush; that you are so distressed that you split your hair. Don’t hate yourself for these things, have empathy for yourself instead.
This change is about changing your attitude from self hate to self empathy. This change of attitude will take time and you will get better at it, but for now, consider it and let me know what you think/ feel about it.
anitaJanuary 28, 2020 at 10:45 am #335524
“Compared to last year, I feel definitely better”- this is what healing is about: Progress, not Perfection.
Good to read that during the last weeks “everything was overall O.K.”, that you are still cooking, that you are doing O.K. at work, that one of your colleagues likes working with you so much- it sure feels good to be accepted and liked.
Good to read that although you are “still feeing lonely often”, that you are not overwhelmed by the feeling (“but it is O.K.”).
“I am not sure if I picked a career path that is simply too hard for me… I feel that the things I produced are good.. but I also feel like it is not enough and I have a lot to learn”- I think that it is a good idea if you could meet with a trustworthy professional in your field who will look at your work and advise you as to what to do different next, if anything. I think that you need a more solid (emotional) ground to stand on as far as your career path, that you need to know if you can learn all that you need to learn within your available time frame, so to be good enough to succeed in your current career path.
Better confront the fear that you are professionally not good enough than to have this lingering and persistent doubt about not being good enough, a doubt that is fueling this “struggle still with procrastination and productivity” that you mentioned.
anitaJanuary 28, 2020 at 10:16 am #335516
My thoughts as I read your post:
1. It is your parents’ right to not have your boyfriend in their home overnight. It is unfortunate for your boyfriend and for you, I suppose, but it is not your boyfriend’s property, or yours, so neither one of you has the legal or moral right to decide if he stays over.
2. If the property you found “doesn’t actually have permission to be used as a dwelling”, and no way to get that permission, or no way for the two of you to finance such a permission, then that property is not a home you can live in, and your boyfriend’s lasting anger and disappointment directed at you (and your parents) is completely irrational. His lasting anger and disappointment at you (and at your parents) regarding your rational choice to not invest your money in a non-dwelling is a perfect example of what is called emotional reasoning, that is because he feels excited about buying the property, then it is the right choice to buy it.
“It broke his heart.. pure devastation… stolen his dream away”- he doesn’t understand that the non-dwelling property is not his dream, and therefore you didn’t steal his dream away from him. And days later, he still “cannot see (your) point of view at all”.
Reads to me that this property situation intensified his pre-existing depression and he is not thinking rationally. You did well to make the rational choice, and not wasting money you worked so hard to earn and save. But he is not doing well. You did all you can to explain the rational behind your decision and to show him support for his devastation. I don’t know what else you can do ?
anitaJanuary 28, 2020 at 9:44 am #335512
Thank you for asking, I don’t remember if my hand went numb lately. Pain is still there but less and I am less afraid of it.
Congrats for eating at least two meals a day this week and for learning how to change a car battery, headlights and break into your own car.. and how to cook meat and make bread, learning skills, practicing a pause before responding, grounding yourself, and making healthy choices overall= thriving on that struggle bus, if I understand the term correctly (?)
anitaJanuary 28, 2020 at 9:30 am #335508
Dear Kaylen/ KB:
You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation. Post again anytime and we can continue.
anitaJanuary 28, 2020 at 9:25 am #335506
Your attitude, being enthusiastic, even for a short time, that .. makes me feel enthusiastic myself!
I will share with you then how to change those chemical and behavioral habits. What I mean by chemical habits is that our brains being organs of flesh and blood, when we imagine people and things, when we think our thoughts- there aren’t real people in there, real images, it is all the result of complex and intricate chemical processes. Chemistry is biologically what we are.
People often take the fastest and easiest way to change their brain chemistry and that is, by using drugs. We all do it to some extent by drinking coffee or a glass of wine and such. But this is not what I am referring to by changing chemical habits. I am referring to permanent changes. It takes months to change a chemical habit so that the change is significant enough for you to notice. it takes months of conscious work every day. It can’t happen faster than that.
If you expect it to happen faster, then you get disappointed and give up. Expect it to be very, very slow and persist, don’t give up- this is key.
How to start changing a chemical habit: by changing a behavioral habit. It is way faster to change a behavioral habit than it is to change a chemical habit. But it is not easy. Choose a behavioral habit (or a few that happen together) that you want to change and that is possible for you to change (however difficult and however many times you tried and failed), and let me know what it is.
anitaJanuary 28, 2020 at 9:08 am #335500
I am glad to read that you are indeed working and that it gives you some peace of mind. And I am pleased to read that regarding therapy, what you wrote here: “I can support therapy multiple times per week, so I will go with your suggestion”!
You are welcome. And you are being “of help here on the forum”- you are helping me understand life better, and are helping other people as well, people who are reading your words but you don’t know that they are or who they are, but they are learning from your experience as well. Do continue to post here or start a new thread, as you wish. I want to read more and more from you!
“Everyday I wake up in the middle of the night in sheer panic, sweating and then it hits me- he’s gone for good… Other times I just cry it out, because I blank out and totally ignore my surroundings, thinking I’m alone“- it is not about this man whom you spent so little time with (and should have spent none), this is an activation of your childhood experience, you were that afraid then of being alone.
You feared being alone because you were alone. Emotionally, you were alone, and emotionally-alone happens to be just as scary as being physically alone.
I am trying to understand what you wrote about the two Sophies- do you mean that the Submissive/Weak Sophie (the “pleaser/ agreeable/ all accepting/ no demands/ no standards/ beggar” Sophie) is an act, and the real Sophie is Strong and you do indeed trust the Strong Sophie, you feel her strength?
January 28, 2020 at 8:39 am #335490
- This reply was modified 9 hours, 44 minutes ago by anita.
You wrote in your recent post: “every time he makes me laugh or I feel tenderness or affection towards him.. every time I feel warmth something in my head snaps and I feel like I need to get out”. This is why and how this is happening to you according to my best understanding:
As a child you felt great affection, tenderness and warmth toward your mother, and sometimes she expressed the same to you, but sometimes she hated you and that hate hurt so much because it hit you were you were tender. It is a horrible experience for a child, a most horrific kind of surprise when expecting affection and receiving hate instead.
When your mother yelled at you and tore your homework, those were acts of hate. It is very difficult for a child of any age to think of her mother as hateful. So I will clarify: I am no saying that she was 100% or even 50% hateful. I am saying that the amount of hateful behavior on her part against you, was more than you were able to handle.
When you remember your mother yelling at you, tearing your homework, harassing you to get perfect grades and perform perfectly in extracurricular activities and so on, you probably don’t feel much, the memories feel neutral, not scary, aren’t they?
This is so because children disassociate- they repress and burry the fear best they can so to keep going. It is impossible for a child to be overwhelmed with fear and to perform the tasks in front of her: getting dressed, going to school, etc. So the child removes the majority of her fear from her awareness.
This is how much fear you experienced as a child before you removed that fear from your awareness aka disassociated: “panic… vomiting, trembling, hyperventilating for hours”. This is the fear of your childhood, repressed and then erupting once you moved in with him in Rome, the move in with him being the activating event.
Although you don’t feel the fear to that great extent now, as when you did the day you moved in with him, it still exists and it is significant, leading you to focus on his flaws, question your love for him… take away the feeling of love, and wanting to leave him. This is not about who he is and how he behaves with you (from what you have shared); it is all an activation of your childhood fear.
Back to the quote of what you shared in your most recent post: “every time he makes me laugh or I feel tenderness or affection towards him.. every time I feel warmth something in my head snaps and I feel like I need to get out”-
– as a child you experienced a mixture of warmth and fear, the two were connected. Fast forward, you feel warmth toward your partner, and soon after, if not at the same time, you feel fear too. Sometimes you feel only fear and no warmth.
The two are connected: warmth and fear.
When he makes you laugh, you relax for a moment but then your brain remembers that hate is next, some act of aggression and harassment is next, so the laughter turns to fear.
“something in my head snaps“- the connection is made between warmth and fear, relaxation and danger.
There are other things going on, but what I wrote here is the core of what is happening, according to my best understanding.
anitaJanuary 28, 2020 at 7:53 am #335488
You made a very strong statement that deserves repeating part by part:
“For now I only feel fear”- you can see that it can change, that tomorrow (a day after, a month after, don’t know), you will no longer feel only fear, that your emotional experience of life can and will change.
“I hope this fear may turn into inspiration one day”- you hope, this is very powerful. With no hope we are hopeless with no motivation to make positive changes in our lives.
“I’m sick of fearing, suffering, grieving and raging, sick of obsessing, longing and not feeling nothing”- this means you don’t want to feel these things anymore, you don’t want this emotional experience of life to be permanent. You want a different feel for life. Having this intention is crucial for making the changes that you need to make.
“I only welcome positive experiences and uplifting thoughts from now, I really deserve it”- yes you do, you deserve a better, way better life. Put it differently: you don’t deserve to suffer.
My input on the totality of this very powerful statement that you made, (best and most powerful statement I read from you): it will not be easy or fast because your brain is in the chemical habit of obsessing and raging and leading you to behavioral habits of inactivity and daydreaming. You can’t just decide to change these chemicals and behavioral habits- and make them go away. No one can do that.
I changed and am changing a few major habits and I will be glad to continue to share with you how I did/ am doing it, what worked for me and what didn’t work for me in my quest to no longer suffer unnecessarily and to have an improved and improving emotional experience of life.