Forum Replies Created
November 19, 2017 at 9:12 am #178641
You wrote above: ” a couple years ago I stumbled upon some strange story that was very explicit in sexual nature and I remember feeling sort of arroused.”-
I think you were about ten when you watched a movie, one with a sexual nature as well (about a step father having sex with his step daughter). You reacted so fearfully, that your mother started questioning you about whether you were sexually abused by your step father.
At this point, it is my understanding that your core belief that you are a bad person (in today's post: “my guilt taunts me and makes me believe now that I am a horrible person”) was formed early on, at about ten or before, as a result of some emotional experience in regard to your step father. It doesn't mean that he sexually abused you, that there was a sexual activity between you and him. But something happened- maybe you were aroused by the idea of it. At the time. Thing is, something happened that caused you to believe that you are a horrible person.
All this time you focused on your boyfriend being a bad person (March 2016): “He has proven to me that he really has changed… and he has been so so so good…How do I forget his mistakes and realize he is still a good person despite making those stupid college mistakeS?…Do you think what he did is unforgivable?”- what fueled that obsession is your belief that you are a bad person, that you made such a horrible mistake that you are unforgivable. (You projected your greatest fear into him).
You wrote then: ” but it's like inside in my head it's nagging me that something is wrong…I keep feeling that I need to express myself to him and that one day he will tell me exactly what I need to hear to move on from the past and I feel that he has just not told me what I want.” –
He can never say that thing to you, what you need to hear. You have to confront your past and see the truth there. It is that truth that will set you free, free from your obsession, free from raining on your parade when something good is about to happen.
Problem is not an inborn OCD, it is what fuels your OCD- that core belief that you did something so horrible that it is unforgivable
I see no option to confronting your past except in quality, safe psychotherapy.
Again, it doesn't mean that there was sexual abuse in your childhood, I know the idea of it scares you a whole lot. But it seems to me that there is something there, something so intense that it is spoiling your life. Attend to it. It will keep coming up, keep nagging at you, until you attend to it in psychotherapy.
anitaNovember 19, 2017 at 7:44 am #178639
Dear Nancy Sheldon:
You wrote: “My mom used to complain about how quickly I get sad or emotional”- any of your sadness caused by her?
anitaNovember 19, 2017 at 7:22 am #178633
The title of your thread is: “I am like a bonsai in love”. A definition of bonsai: an ornamental tree or shrub grown in a pot and artificially prevented from reaching its normal size.
You wrote (not necessarily in this order): “I can find no rest, and understand a potted plant can no longer find creativity… My eye is set on helping those that feel trapped by what holds them back…I feel I need to trim away the parts that cause troubles in my future”-
You feel trapped, like a plant in an artificial pot, prevented from growing, reaching out, creating?
Being held back?
I wonder what those parts are, the parts “that cause troubles in (your) future”.
You wrote: “My privacy has been raped, repeatedly for ten years or so. I'm tired of being watched…I just for some reason have a harder , and harder time going through the electronic interference… I may, in a few years be forced into seclusion due to my being repeatedly, electronically abused.. I know I'm being fed information… Everthing I see points to someone using data obtained illegally to confuse, and distract and try place blame where none was before…. Extra solder connecting cd to radio caused me to become paranoid…A new corruption was planted on my phone…I spotted the electronic cage that is controlling what I see, and denying me sleep”-
Do you believe my post to you here is a corruption, abusing you? I hope not.
You wrote about a concussion, the use of absinthe (a liquor), and weed to relieve your depression.
You wrote a lot about tears: “I looked deeper to see that her tears echoed a loneliness like mine. I could not let her turn out like me… Every time I think of her I see the tears, and it tears me up inside… to honour these two ladies I must wait till I can soften my heart to calm their tears… No tears in her eyes now, and that makes me happy……All I remember is her sadness, and I know it too”-
I w0nder what your tears, visible or invisible, are about.
November 19, 2017 at 6:24 am #178631
- This reply was modified 2 hours, 25 minutes ago by anita.
Welcome back, two months since our last communication.
Key sentence: “so my guilt taunts me and makes me believe now that I am a horrible person”-
You believe that you are a horrible person. This is very unfortunate. It is a Core Belief, a belief formed early on: I am a horrible person. This belief feeds your anxiety and OCD.
When you got excited about the vacation, looking forward to something good, this Core Belief got in the way, again.
Somehow, as a child, maybe during those interrogations, you were made to believe that you were a horrible person. The feeling you had then, is the feeling you keep experiencing: fear, guilt, pain.
I have communicated with you long enough and I believe you are far from being a horrible person. You are a good person, I believe.
You are a good person, Danielle.
It only feels at times (and repeatedly) to you that you are not a good person, but this feeling is not the truth. Often what we people believe is not true. But it sure feels that way…
There is a way to place this feeling in the past, to connect it to the past events that brought it about, and in so doing, freeing your brain from placing it with current events or two year ago events. We can talk about it later, if you'd like.
Post again anytime with your thoughts and feelings.
anitaNovember 19, 2017 at 4:13 am #178621
I hope you sleep better and soon. Your thoughts do not appear “all jumbled up” though. You make sense to me.
And I agree, better not “selflessly threw yourself into” a relationship because we… can't do anything selflessly for a long time and be healthy at the same time. Better look for our self interest in a relationship, make it a Win-Win relationship: win for you and win for her. If it is not a Win for you, it will fail.
You wrote: “I was always going to feel like I had the short end of everything regardless of how hard I tried.”-
Having the “short end of everything” means it was not a Win for you, but a Lose. You got some good times but overall, you lost.
You have to take care of yourself, to attend to your needs and see them as being as important as any other's. This attitude and practice will lead you to a loving, healthy relationship where there is no suffocation, no chasing, no self denial.
anitaNovember 19, 2017 at 4:03 am #178619
Wikipedia has an extensive entry on Adderall. Adderall contains amphetamine.
Wikipedia reads: “According to the International Programme on Chemical Safety (IPCS) and United States Food and Drug Administration (USFDA), amphetamine is contraindicated (harmful) in people with a history of… severe anxiety.”
And you do have a history of severe anxiety, so Adderall may be increasing your anxiety. Also, these drugs legally should be prescribed by a medical doctor and not be taken otherwise. A competent medical doctor should prescribe, see the patient on a regular basis, follow up on how the patient is doing, ask about how the patient feels and decide whether to increase the dose, decrease or eliminate the drug altogether.
This is irresponsible and risky to use brother's Adderall. I strongly recommend you see a medical doctor as soon as possible for the purpose of addressing your use of Adderall (and any other drug).
anitaNovember 19, 2017 at 3:41 am #178617
You wrote: “I want to know that I tried everything I could to fix us before I even began thinking about breaking up with him”-
I suggested to you in my first post to you that the man is obsessed, or has been obsessed with this woman and no longer talks about her because you do, and so, you carry on his obsession.
Do you think it is a good idea if you talk to this woman, whom you already met? Ask her if there was a relationship at all between them and what kind? You may learn more about this man that you want to … fix. If you learn more about what there is to fix, you will have a better idea about what to do next.
anitaNovember 19, 2017 at 3:28 am #178615
* didn't submit correctly…November 19, 2017 at 3:26 am #178613
You are welcome. In absence of quality therapy (one with a therapist who is competent, wise, caring, honest, hard working, trustworthy, etc.), there is work you can do- I can suggest some things since I went through quality therapy.
This is what I suggest (and it is “identify any patterns of thoughts” that you mentioned): when you are faced with a task and feel anxious, notice or identify the thoughts you have. Many of these thoughts are not whole sentences, many are so automatic, you don't “hear” words, but sometimes you do. Notice, what are those thoughts? For example: I am not good at this. (A person watching you) can see I am clumsy.
This is an exercise you can do today, whenever you feel fearful or anxious, identify the thoughts, keep a diary of it, part of a day, and come back to this thread, share your diary, or part of it, if you'd like.
anitaNovember 18, 2017 at 10:10 am #178599
Most likely you were not born clumsy, not being able to complete tasks or being slower than others in absorbing knowledge. Most likely this is what happened: you were the same as most other children, needing time to learn how to accomplish tasks correctly, over trial and error, with a parent's encouragement.
Problem was your parent/s expected you to accomplish tasks correctly the first time, or the second, quicker than what is reasonable to expect. When you failed their unreasonable expectations, they criticized you, telling you that you are “not good with (your) hands”, that you are “clumsy and cannot even do a small thing”.
Children believe what their parents say, and so you believed it and your core beliefs were formed. Something else happened as they criticized you: anxiety. When anxious it takes more time to process and absorb information- this is true for every person. We process and absorb information best when calm.
The more anxious- the more time it takes and the less effective the processing and absorption.
Interestingly enough I was told the same thing you were told (quotes above) and I too spent an unbelievable amount of time studying, and so, I believed there was something wrong with me. It is only recently that I discovered, to my great surprise that I am not clumsy. And that I can do a lot of things and complete them well. I had no idea. But I have, in practice. It is proven.
I am also pretty good at processing information on these threads, like this one, yours. It doesn't take me long.
How indeed limiting our core beliefs.
I greatly recommend quality psychotherapy for you so that you can explore your core beliefs and correct them. These core beliefs, unfortunately, were inflicted on you. But you are the only person who can initiate correcting them through work and patience, and persistence.
I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.
anitaNovember 18, 2017 at 5:40 am #178581
Question: how did it come about that you take your brother's Adderall? Did your mother take you to a psychiatrist or did she just suggest you take your aunt's Xanax?
How often and how much of these two drugs do you take?
Also, I wonder if you can share more about your anxiety before college, when you lived at home.
anitaNovember 18, 2017 at 5:26 am #178579
You mentioned in your last post a battle with yourself. Would you like to elaborate on that battle: what part of you is battling which other part and what are the thoughts on both parts as they do the battling?
anitaNovember 18, 2017 at 5:06 am #178577
I read your post slowly and attentively. This is my understanding, at this point:
your boyfriend has significant mental health issues. He has been obsessed with this woman you refer to as his ex. She was probably not his girlfriend, and if she was, it was not for long. They may not have had sex at all, or it they did, it might have been a one time thing, perhaps when intoxicated. Everything he told you about this woman and about a relationship with her is suspect to me, probably made up. Not true, not real.
His obsession with her predated you, has gone on throughout the relationship and is still going on: the reason he doesn't talk about her is that you do. If you stopped talking about her, bringing her up, he would do it himself.
Why is he obsessed, I am thinking that she triggers in him strong feelings of being unlovable, unwanted, rejected, feelings from childhood.
If you talked to this woman, it will be, I am thinking, an amazing experience for you.
Unless he attended serious psychotherapy, for a long, long time, such dysfunction on his part, cannot just go away. Again, if you stop bringing her up, he will. Or some other, new obsession will take hold.
I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.
anitaNovember 18, 2017 at 4:31 am #178575
She told you: “you're suffocating me”.
Problem with the letter you are considering sending her at some point is that you are continuing to suffocate her (her word):
“You became the spark that started my journey to personal growth. I may have never taken the risk to start this without your help”- you are placing her as the spark of your current life, being helped by her now, even without her presence in your life. And so, you are letting her know that she is still your spark, still your focus.
“Our relationship may be over but the love we once shared will be eternal..you will always be my first love and I won't forget that…I could not forget us…Our memories have since been engraved into my very being…”- you are letting her know that in her absence she is still present in your life, as you still love her, whether she wants that love or not.
“Let’s grow to be we can be; we owe it to ourselves. We will do great things”- you are letting her know that in your mind, you and she are still a unit, a “we”. Again, whether she wants there to be a we or not.
You wrote: “Not a day goes by where I don't miss you and want to reach out to you. I stop myself every time” – this letter is that reaching out to her, wanting to continue the relationship. Better stop yourself.
Clearly you are still emotionally attached to her, understandably. She meant a lot to you and still does. Unfortunately, the relationship is over, her choice. It really is over. This letter is not congruent with a “journey to personal growth”. Such a journey starts without her.
My suggestion is to not send this letter.
I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.
anitaNovember 18, 2017 at 3:56 am #178573
Dear Jenny Lynn:
You wrote: “Your just supposed to know…its implied type thing. I was alone a very large majority of my childhood”- no one to sit with you, look in your eyes, talk to you, ask you gently, about what you feel, listen to you, smile at you, smile approvingly, letting you know that you are seen, that you are understood, that what you feel matters, that he/she will do something significant about what bothers you, toward a solution, therefore a problem in your life can and will be resolved. When you feel scared, that someone will take you into her arms, and feeling her warmth, your fear settles… that is expressed love.
There is only one kind of love, the expressed kind.
When you get that kind of love, as a child, you experience safety in the togetherness with the person loving you. That safety, that togetherness will last as you spend time alone. Then you will need more together time.
And so, with your boyfriend, same thing- need the safe, together time and then need alone time. It is both, not one or the other. The together time with your boyfriend should be a time when each one of you sees the other, understand each other, communicate to each other that what each feels matters and solutions to problems are possible and attended to.
And then each needs alone time. Followed by together time, later.
You wrote: “I like to keep the stories of the things that happen to me light because honestly if I told them for what they were it could get pretty dark. And even being a depressed person I am still a good time. I hate being a downer if I can help it”-
how about (outside the context of a party or going out or relaxing after work or watching TV and such) avoiding these two extremes: making light of everything and getting pretty dark?
The middle way would be to share your thoughts and feelings responsibly, honestly, avoiding excess on both extremes, you can try this middle way next, if you would like.