Forum Replies Created
June 25, 2019 at 5:43 pm #300755
I haven’t been with a partner for that long but I know a man who has been with his now ex wife for that long. She ended the marriage with him. He was lost too, lonely, like you. I can tell it hurt you a lot when he referred to another woman as his best friend forever. As you see, there is no forever.
I need to be away from the computer for about 11 hours. I would very much like to read more from you. Please do post here anytime. Use it as a journal of sorts, express your thoughts and feelings. I will reply to you when I am back and anytime you post, if you would like me to.
I hope other members will reply to you as well. Please be good to yourself today/ this evening.
June 25, 2019 at 2:29 pm #300739
- This reply was modified 1 hour, 39 minutes ago by anita.
If I am so accurate in my understanding of your situation, then I will be glad to communicate with you further and share with you what I learned so far. We do have a lot in common, well, had a lot in common, when I was younger, and for many years.
Post anytime and I will reply. I will soon be away from the computer and back in about 15 hours from now.
anitaJune 25, 2019 at 2:11 pm #300735
“Is there hope in therapy?”- yes, but not in the “therapy” you are receiving. What you are getting for your money seeing this particular person is not therapy: it does not and cannot lead you toward better mental health.
This woman is one of many who are certified as a practicing therapist but she is not competent. I saw quite a few therapists, all certified, before I came across the first competent, professional therapist (2011), who is not perfect (no one is) but he made sense (unlike the woman you have been seeing), said he will give me homework following every session.. and he did (He took his time emailing me homework assignments after each session). He gave his job all that he had and I appreciate him a whole lot.
I know of certified therapists who are mentally unhealthy, even dysfunctional ( I still remember a therapist I saw who wore two shoes from two different pairs.. and it was not a fashion statement). Anyway, I digress. My suggestion: no longer see this woman. Better see none than this particular person. She is significantly … harmful, too bad for all the people she is hurting!
June 25, 2019 at 2:00 pm #300733
- This reply was modified 5 hours, 8 minutes ago by anita.
You are welcome. Are there technologically effective security systems available in the city where you live and where you consider living alone in six months, so to protect yourself from possible sexual assaults in your home?
I hope you do what it takes so that your primary focus shifts to what you wrote here: “building a healthy happy life for myself”. It will not be easy, but if you leave your home of origin and stay away from it and from your role in it (“taking care of my parents and wanting to see my mom happy), and if you work hard and persevere, it is possible for you, to live no longer “Confused and full of mistrust”.
anitaJune 25, 2019 at 12:10 pm #300709
Dear Cali Chica:
In the last few days I was wondering why you didn’t post and I thought to myself that there may be problems at home (or that you were busy socially, people coming in, it being summer time, almost)- I don’t know if you feel like it, but if you do, tell me about this recent happening, the “unraveling of resentment” etc., that you mentioned.
anitaJune 25, 2019 at 11:33 am #300703
Dear Cali Chica:
This very early morning, hours ago, I sat in front of the sliding glass doors, looking at this little bird that landed on the deck, frenzied and I thought of you. And me: I am still un-frenze-ing myself. I wish it was a faster process. What I learned recently is that unless I truly understand the extremely slow and gradual nature of the process of un-frenze-ing, unless I am satisfied with a tiny amount of progress per unit of time, there will be no progress at all for me.
“If I was to go back to her childhood and observe her- what would I see? .. Maybe a happy go lucky kid”- no, she wasn’t happy go lucky. She was terribly hurt. But that girl that she was is long gone, locked deep inside that monster she has become.
Regarding my definition of cognitive dissonance- I will explain a bit what I meant by it when I mentioned the term to you, without looking for an online definition- I meant that she told you and/ or did X and Y while X and Y are contradictory, not logically consistent.
-examples (from memory, I didn’t review what I wrote to you since I did):
1. X= she likes you bringing company home, how much fun that is for her and good for you to have friends, Y= she hates cleaning after and slaving after you and your friend when you bring them hope and is upset that the friend’s mother is resting and having fun during the visit.
2. X= other people have jealousy for us.. being lucky, basically. Y= we are unlucky.
3. X= having a big family is a good, good thing. Y= family makes her miserable, taunt her, etc.
4. X= friendships are extremely important to her Y= she has no friendships.
5. X= American people have it so easy Y= American people have a lot of problems.
6. X= Cali Chica is a pretty doll, a talented dancer, a joy to have Y= Cali Chica is a pain in the .. , a problem since she was born.
7. X= I want more people in my life Y= I hate people in my life (you, Cali Chica, your sister, your father, all the family members who taunt me, the American people who have it easy, your husband to be and his family, and … well, everyone.
anitaJune 25, 2019 at 10:59 am #300697
welcome back. It will be three years of you posting on this website in a few days, late June 2016 was the first time, I believe.
“I promised myself as a child that I would never enter into an abusive situation, and if a situation did turn abusive I would leave immediately”- and yet, after 10 months abroad most recently, you returned to the small apartment where you have lived with your parents for almost 30 years at this point, the place where you were abused severely by your father, and at times, by your mother as well. Your father was the one who screamed at you for hours at a time, forcing you to accompany him outdoors while you had high fever, and so on; your mother for months at a time, if not longer, expressing invalid anger at you six days out of a week. (I get angry thinking of it…!)
Regarding red flags and the man you dated when you were abroad, you wrote: “he said that he wished I had told him about this sooner, he is sorry for hurting me and he will behave differently in the future. He also asked me to share things like this when they happen… seemed like he was blaming me”- doesn’t seem like that to me at all and I am certain that from what you shared (quoted above), there is absolutely no blaming on his part, no red flag and his response was empathetic, kind and useful, very mature on is part, impressive.
When we (adult children) have been abused by a parent, or both parents, and still interact with them, and perhaps worse, still living with them, it means that we are partially blind to what happened to us, and to what is still happening to us inside the home of our childhood. Because of this partial blindness we don’t only not see clearly what is happening to us inside the home, we don’t see clearly what is happening outside the home.
So you close your eyes to the three decade red flags inside the home of your childhood, with your parents, and you see red flags where they don’t exist, in the relationship with this man you mentioned and everywhere else.
Everywhere you look, you see red flags except not where danger exists for you, in your very home.
June 25, 2019 at 9:48 am #300691
- This reply was modified 8 hours, 21 minutes ago by anita.
I appreciate you checking- I am fine, thank you. Nothing to report and pretty relaxed week reads very good to me.
anitaJune 25, 2019 at 9:46 am #300689
I would be concerned too, if I was in you. He had an on again off again relationship with a girlfriend during the whole year he showed interest in you and recently they are on again, some kind of on. Reads like part of their on-again-off-again relationship.
anitaJune 25, 2019 at 7:14 am #300679
You are welcome. The way for you to proceed, I believe, will need to include the following (and not in the following order, first, second and so forth, but a bit of each at any day, back and forth, gradually and over time):
1. Come to terms with your issues with your mother- this is what I am sure of: you loved her your whole life. You did your very best to help her. Your attention for so long was directed at her while her attention was rarely directed at you. You cared for her much more than she cared for you.
It doesn’t matter why, and whether she did her best and how sweet she was at times, what matters here is that you loved her way more than she loved you, that you were focused on her and she was not focused on you; you spent way, way… way more time feeling empathy for her than she spent time feeling empathy for you.
Your relationship with your mother was very much an unrequited love, you trying and waiting and hoping for her love while she was otherwise engaged, otherwise focused, unavailable to you.
You were angry at her because you needed her so desperately, because she was your number one priority and she wasn’t there for you and didn’t consider you a high priority at all.
You need to remove your focus from her childhood, and her past abuse, and she doing her best and focus instead on your childhood, your past abuse, and how you truly did your best to take care of her from an early age.
In the context of you-and-your-mother, you were all innocent, all loving, all focused on her. In the same context, she was not these things, in other words, she could have done better for you if she truly loved you, not perfectly, but she could have done better, no doubt.
2. Consider other family members, one by one, father, each one of the two brothers, brothers’ partners, aunts, uncles, cousins, niece, nephew, resolve the issues with each one you do have issues with and decide if you want a relationship with any and what kind of a relationship (I can help you with that, if you want).
Give up reaching out to any of them for the purpose of being loved or taken care of emotionally. You waited 25 years for your mother to love you back and take care of you for once. Don’t waste your next 25 years waiting other family members to love you and take care of you.
3. When you feel that you are abused by any particular individual, before you impulsively react, take a time out. Write to me if you want, describing the situation you suspect to having been abusive toward you and I will give you my input on the matter. You have to learn to differentiate your perception of abuse from the reality of abuse. I can help you with that.
4. Turn away from reaching out to family members and turn toward life otherwise, your own life as an individual. This includes work/ career, living in/ buying your own home where you want to live and in the future, maybe in a couple of years, when you are ready, find your own partner in life.
anitaJune 25, 2019 at 6:47 am #300675
You are welcome.
“I do find that my decision making can be very emotionally charged rather than a planned out, calm and collected endeavor”- your decision making endeavor will need to include a plan aiming at managing the emotionally charged part. So instead of perhaps being critical of yourself for not being “calm and collected”, plan on taking time to make decisions maybe first thing in the morning, or while sitting in a park with a pen and paper, or in a coffee house with a computer.. or after a long walk, and so forth. Plan on making decisions in small parts, a bit today, a bit tomorrow, giving yourself time to consider, take a break and then reconsider.
Anytime you’d like to post again, please do. It is a pleasure reading from you!
anitaJune 25, 2019 at 6:28 am #300671
The past week being “a bliss. Total silence in my head, tranquility and peace. Never felt so awake or relieved”- enjoy this emotional state and remember it, commit it to your emotional memory so that you can return to it in the future when you need to.
“My therapist insists that… I am not fixed on my ideas, tastes even the fact that as a kid had no set professional goals (for example I want to be a teacher growing up). So she claims that lack of identity creates lack of goals which creates openness to susceptibility to the exploitation by others”-
– you wrote that “It makes sense”, I disagree. It makes no sense. All the identity a child needs so to grow up to be a healthy, content adult is to know she is lovable. The child doesn’t need to know what profession she will have in the future (that idea is quite idiotic, really). She needs to know she is safe and loved. Add to it guidance such as how to behave assertively, and the child is golden. Your therapist has a nonsensical theory that doesn’t fit reality and she is trying to understand you according to her nonsensical theory.
She told you, “she would give me exercises and ‘homework’ to better myself but still no sign of that”- so she doesn’t follow through with what she says.
When she told another client, a woman in a bad marriage to fix the marriage because “it would be a loss on her part financially… that women with no income can’t divorce”- well, women without income can’t pay a therapist, can they. Maybe that was her concern.
“I don’t know if I should change therapist or completely abandon the practice”- what do you mean by “abandon the practice”?
anitaJune 24, 2019 at 4:05 pm #300565
I read your post to me and I will make sure in the future to not reply to you (here or in any of your threads, past and future) unless I am sure that my reply to you will not cause you to feel targeted. I hope you feel comfortable to post again here and to start threads in the future. I do wish you well.
anitaJune 24, 2019 at 12:24 pm #300551
It may help you, before reading this post, to read your own words as I quoted you above and take your own notes, try to see patterns, repetitions and so forth.
Some of my input regarding the patterns I see:
1. You described yourself as a people pleaser. You are a very angry people pleaser, so after doing some pleasing, you lash out angrily, ragefully, at the person you pleased, a person… is no longer pleased.
2. You are often impulsive, not thoughtful or measured in your words, behaviors and choices.
3. You get an understanding of a particular person and situation, then you doubt or forget that understanding. The way you view other people change drastically- one day he/she is good, next- bad. Same with you viewing your own self- one day you are good, a victim of abuse and angry at those abusing you, next you are bad, full of shame and guilt, angry at yourself.
Your self image and the images of others change from good to bad to good and everyone is a narcissist (that is, bad) at one point or another. You considered or referred to almost all the people in your life as narcissists, including yourself.
4. Your selective memory: you have a moment of joy in a month or a year, and seems like you think that the whole month or year was happy and joyful, forgetting that most of it was miserable.
5. The truth: your mother was a bad mother to you. You really were abused and neglected by your mother, your father and your older brother. You tried your best to take care of your mother, waiting and waiting to be loved in return, to be her priority, to finally be taken care of, and that never happened.
Naturally, the child that you were was very angry, and she still is. You are stuck in the pattern or reaching out to family members so to be loved and be taken care of and lashing out at them angrily. You are very likely to be stuck in this pattern in a relationship with anyone, in personal relationships, at work and anywhere else. You are yet to have a relationship free of this pattern of reaching out to the person and then lashing out, and then again, repeat.
You get confused: you doubt that you were abused when you were abused (all through your childhood) and you see abuse where it is not (later in life). Every time you think that you are abused you lash out, and then you regret it because you get confused: was there abuse, who abused whom and who is the narcissist of the day.
Let me know what you think of my input so far, will you?
anitaJune 24, 2019 at 11:24 am #300547
This post, Part One, is made of quotes from what you shared month by month. The post to follow, Part Two will include quotes from part one plus my input.
Aug 21, 2018: “Hello, I have been in a relationship with a man for 4 1/2 years and 3 years living together. I moved to Florida from Chicago to be with him and start a life with him. 1 month ago I found out ..he was calling chatlines and old girlfriends.. I was very verbally abusive during the situation and even physical. I gathered all my belongings from our home besides furniture and filled up my car and left back home to Chicago.. he begged and pleaded for me to stay.. for the last month I have been calling and texting like an emotional mess.. I was verbally abusive and an emotional wreck during our time together.. I put so much pressure on him and he says he tried so hard but couldn’t handle it. I feel so bad about the things I have done… he had cheated on me with multiple women. All except 1 that I know of were on the phone.. He said we need time apart to heal and he is frustrated with me calling and continuing to blame him because I cant accept the cheating.. I am so confused and am known for being impulsive and even though I know it and hate it I cannot seem to stop it.. It is so hard to control my impulsivity sometimes.. In the 3 years living with him I was verbally abusive when we argued which was often. I have.. a terrible temper.. He has apologized this entire month for his actions and I feel like I can’t let it go.. I continue bashing him.
I keep having the same problem with my sister in law and it is driving me crazy.. I feel so weak sometimes with no boundaries and I am such a people pleaser.
September 2018: “My mother passed away last Sunday 9/16/2018. I am still in shock.. My mother is an amazing woman who unfortunately made terrible decisions in her life. She became addicted to drugs when I was a child.. I have always carried resentment from her years of addiction which was neglectful to me and my brothers. After sobering up she met a man and that became her life. I always felt that drugs came first than a man came first.. I lived with her until I was 26… I felt like I wasn’t shown much love growing up and was more so a caretaker for my mom throughout my life ..I was going through a lot and I kind of yelled at her.. That night we got a call that she passed.. I shouldn’t have been so resentful.. I am so heart broken and so ashamed of myself. I am carrying so much blame and guilt and I don’t know what to do.
October 2018: “I still love my ex even though he cheated on me and is totally discarding me because I’ve bashed him so much. I feel like I’ll never find a love like ours again.
November 2018: “I’m currently feeling lost.. I am living with my brother in my moms apartment. Our father also lives with us who was never really in our lives… I do not want to live in a tiny apartment with my brother, father and niece but they now need me financially… every time i find ways to feel better and be positive I regress back into negative thinking and no motivation. I just have no clue how to be alone or start a life of my own. Before my ex my life was living with my mom, caring for her and my brother and niece.
December 2018: “I realize now I was in a relationship with a narcissist. I realize I was stripped of myself.. I started to realize these things and was blaming my mom at the time for my codependency from my dysfunctional childhood. At the time I was even considering my mom was a narcissist. But as time has gone on I realize she was an amazing woman doing the best with the life she was dealt.. I wasn’t there for her the way my old self would have been. I was angry and full of resentment. I wanted to take care of only me for once in my life.. She called me that day she died. She told me she wasn’t feeling good and that they weren’t feed her at the nursing home. I thought she was exaggerating. She was always sick.. I feel that most of my issues in life have to do with not having loving parents, at least ones who made me a priority.. I was clearly a depressed child and adult.. As I earlier mentioned I was sexually abused by my brother. I would say from what I remember ages 5-13. And I have kept it inside all these years.. And I am so angry I allowed it. I allow so much abuse in my life.. I am angry with myself for keeping a good relationship with him and honestly trying to “please” him and his fiancé for the last 9 years. I am learning about narcissism since my break up and I truly believe my brother and his woman are both narcissistic. I am so fed up with abuse. I realize how much I put up with in my own relationship with my ex.. I finally stood up for myself and left. But when I stand up for myself with these people my mind plays games with me and I start finding ways to empathize for what they did to me. And I almost wish they were back in my life. It’s like I can’t trust my mind to establish what is ok and what is not.. I have been mainly abused and manipulated my whole life by my parents, my brother, men, and even strangers in life… My life up until now has always been lived for others. I have always helped my family, took care of my mom, been depressed from over thinking about others and have never felt good enough to have my own life.. I have an opportunity to rent my aunts basement and I would really like to be there.. I feel like I have to keep my family together after my moms death…Some days I am confident.. and then there are days like today where I wake up with no confidence ..Consumed with how my brother needs me, how he is making bad decisions in life.. One day I am confident that I got it and the next few days I am down and out and then I have to start over. . I have been trying to change my mother and brother for years. I am learning that I cannot change someone who doesn’t want to change… It is like I am the only one in my family to see that it is dysfunctional.. I am planning to move to my aunts house on the first. I am scared to make this move. . I also am afraid that my aunt is so highly codependent and judgmental and I fear she will rub off on me as she sometimes does. I can afford to live on my own with my 5000 saved but I want to continue to save.
January 2019: ” I made the move to my Aunt’s house on new years eve.. Now that I am here at my aunts I feel very lonely. All the things I was complaining about I miss.. I miss my brother and even my father. I have been down and out these last two days. Another change in my life. I was feeling good about myself and trying to fight my codependency but here I am again. I was up all night with anxiety and fear of life.. I feel like the girl I used to be. Lonely, insecure and afraid. I just want to maintain my confidence and feel stable in life. Sometimes I do and sometimes I feel lost. I am so sad to start this new year this way. I was hoping for a better start.. I understand my fear of being away from the home of origin but don’t understand where all of my anxiety and fear that appears almost every other day comes from. I was doing ok for a few days. Living life just fine, figuring things out and then BAM. Last couple of days filled with fear, doubt, negative self talk, self hate,.. I have had high anxiety for about 2 weeks and I have done my daily duties through it all. I was able to do so by loving myself and telling myself I love myself constantly, also by giving myself what I need. Last week a relentless bout of anxiety has overcome me. I fear I have made the wrong decision moving in with my aunt.. She is completely codependent and is driving me crazy.
February, 2019: “Here I am again stressed and doubtful. I have been sad and I have been numb. ..Sometimes I feel I may be bi polar or have something wrong with my fluctuations of moods.. The up and downs are draining.. have yet to feel comfortable anywhere since being back here.. Last night was so terrible for me. I would have to say it was the worst depression I have been in for a while. I am trying to get through the day today but feel so drained from this anxiety and fear that I know I must live with but it is so relentless lately. I now know that moving with my aunt was a terrible decision.. I sometimes feel like I am sinking in to who I used to be. .I am concerned for this trip as well. As it has crept up I feel very nervous about it. I feel like calling it off honestly but I spent 450 on tickets that I do not wish to waste. What can I do to ensure this doesn’t become a disaster? .. Last year I was in a “loving relationship” with a man whose family adored me. A huge family. I had my family back home, my mom alive. Yes my family with many dysfunctions but there for me. I was so naïve and so happy back then..There is no telling when my brothers wife can bring the worst out of me. She has done it in the past and will do it again. ..I am so sad. Sad this is a reality.. I never felt good enough and never had my own identity.. I vomited my dinner. I believe the over eating I did and stress/pain caused this… My body is exhausted. Tired of pain and confusion and not knowing where my life is leading and who anybody is any more.. Having a terrible time at an amusement park.. This trip turned out so different than what I expected. I am so disgusted by my brother who I am closest with and the way he has treated me this trip. He has been so passive aggressive and cruel to me… I feel dead and empty right now. I feel like I need to go to ER with these chest pains and stress.. I in return canceled Grand Canyon and went to hotel and haven’t spoke to him since. . We had lunch and went to airport together. Hardly spoke but were together.. she has turned my brother against me.
March 2019: “I have been craving and constantly missing my ex these days.. He was truly my best friend. We would talk all night long about life. I miss our life and routine.. He started telling people I was mentally unstable and I was but because he was driving me to it…Working two jobs has me tired… I actually have been feeling decent. I have been trying not to let things bother me and move forward.. I have not spoken much at all to my older brother and wife. He confronted me and I had a very assertive talk with him on how I believe he is controlling and manipulating.. They have been distant since. My other brother has been absorbed by his girlfriend and we haven’t spoken. I still pick up my niece and take her out and have seen him in passing and he is very aggressive and mean… I have gone 30 years being a people pleaser so sometimes I feel so guilty for standing my ground…I’ve had a miserable day. A sad sad sad one!.. My grieving of my mom is back again.. I feel so much blame and regret. I wish I could go back in time. I feel like I’ll always have this black cloud over my head. I’m done. I pray I can just fall asleep tonight. I cannot take anymore of these feelings.
April 2019: “Working 3 jobs now.. I am feeling much better..I am still saving. And doing very well.. I am so thankful to have had the courage to save this and actually believe that I can afford a down payment and attempt to accomplish this huge goal for myself of owning a small condo. It makes me feel so good because this time last year I couldn’t imagine believing in myself this way. I do feel good enough for goals!!..I am on a journey healing myself and that is most important.. I have been a ball of emotions lately. I have been up and down but am happy with myself because I have been strong and staying on track regardless. I have been so consistent. I am proud of myself… my entire life has been based on helping others and putting other people first.. I was depressed and anxious but boy when I was happy it was go lucky!! I felt more alive back then. Is that normal? Now that I am more i control of myself and my feelings and actions I feel just content and days pass by. I don’t get too many days of feeling love or loved or the happiness I used to when things were good at home or with my ex… I am surprised at myself how focused I am and determined to live a life I enjoy.. I do want to own a home but am scared what will happen once I take the leap. It seems to be my main focus. Saving. What will happen once I did it. Where is my life heading. What do I do? Where do I go. It’s always been a thought to go to Florida again. But afraid to go back to where I was. So much pain there. But so much pain here too.. I want that intense happiness someday.
May 2019: “I have been exhausted. Physically from work and emotionally as usual from what life keeps throwing at me.. I have been for the most part down lately. Living with my aunt has been hitting the fan lately. She is so passive aggressive and manipulative.. Things got really bad about a week ago and I felt so shamed by my aunt. I feel as if she was talking behind my back and nothing I did was good enough. I went through a 3 day depression that was debilitating.. people are so mean and cruel. Everywhere I go. I seem to be getting the same passive aggressive response. Could this be normal? I am so sick of the passive aggression. I feel like the more happy I am the more someone wants to bring me down. I quit my part time at Ross because the people were getting to me. The moral was bringing me down. It is so hard because I feel like everywhere I go isn’t working out and it’s hard not to feel like the problem… I really like to see the good in people because I know I am not perfect. I too when I was acting very co dependently was very selfish. I talked about people, judged people, and expected so much from people and probably shamed them. All unintentionally. So how can I judge these hurt people so harshly. Aren’t we all hurting after all?…yes she shouldn’t bad mouth and yes others should have been more careful with their behavior but they also have done a lot of good for me. My aunt listened to me all the time when I first got here. She was very supportive…at this point it is unbelievable! I am so hurt… I am so lost.. I don’t know how I got myself into this mess. I honestly don’t understand why I put myself in abusive situations… last night I watched my aunt in. A coma practically die in hospice. I left before the final breathe but she was dying. I did not want to watch this and I did. My whole family was there. It was horrible. I am lost. Frightened. And back at square one in life if not negative square one. I don’t know what to do right now. I can’t process this. I am lost.. I am in a dark dark place. I need help. I’m scared… I feel sick to my stomach. My chest hurts. The shame I feel is the passive aggressiveness that my family are all playing a part in. Basically my aunts husband has made me feel like the smallest thing in the world. Like nothing I did throughout this time was good enough. .I often wonder role I play. I have been in many shark tanks. Is it me? My ex and his family in the end put me in shark tanks and also now my family. It has happened to me in work places as well. Is it always someone else fault.. I went really numb and still feel this way for hours now. Am I the narcissist? Am I the one who is causing this? I am in pain I do not like feeling numb…The wake was literally a hell! Anita I’m afraid I am going down right now. I have no energy. My body is responding to this toxicity I’m living in. I feel like I have been hit by a truck. My aunt smeared me to my entire family. I was chewed up and spit back … I have no hope right now, no motivation… I am so mad I was doing SO good.. him my father and other brother convinced me to have a “talk” regarding our family issues within 20 minutes I was shamed, told I sucked as a God mother, I thought I was perfect, and I was the one who pushed my mother to her death!! I know I have shamed them by holding them accountable for their behavior ..He didn’t say I pushed her to her death he said I pushed her so hard while she was dying… I feel a little better today. I suffered a very rough day yesterday. I want to start new but am now doubting everything… For now I have rented a room in a nice area for a month… I feel like crap. I haven’t slept all night. I had tremors all night.. I was actually doing really well setting boundaries and loving myself… I’m in such a bad depressive spiral… I am just numb, is this normal? I haven’t slept more than 4 hours in days. The body tremors have eased. The depression and hopelessness is intense at times mostly at night. How could all of this happen to me so suddenly. I was on the path to happiness. I had bad anxiety but I was finding happiness in my days. I want that back in my life.. the fact my entire family has turned on me and wanted to bring me down when I was finding happiness kills me.. I want to feel again.. I feel so low! I hate this feeling. It is so scary.. Today is a bad day. I was much stronger and productive yesterday.. I actually feel a little better…very sad and going on 5 days no sleep. why do I deserve this? I have been so good to people.
June 2019: “Feel empty and longing for my family. I am so isolated. I feel like I should just communicate with my brothers and tell them how I feel and what I expect?.. I feel that I don’t deserve this empty feeling. I am too good of a person to be alone and depressed! Will I feel again? I am so numb today!… I was so positive I could do this journey alone yesterday and now today hopeless! It’s the loss of sleep…Now I am stuck with shame and guilt. I feel worthless again, no ambition. I feel my power has been took away for good. I was finally somewhere where I felt good about me.. Why didn’t I hold onto myself I was doing so good!! I feel like I was on the brink of escaping childhood brainwashing and now all of those beliefs run through my head again.. I was feeling so confident and happy.. I was on my way to a happily ever after. I really was. .I want that happier me back! I want my power back!.. I lashed out and said they don’t make a path for me that his family is disrespectful. I then got up and said I couldn’t take any more and left the house”.
- This reply was modified 1 day, 7 hours ago by anita.