Forum Replies Created
August 19, 2019 at 3:06 pm #308621
My question to you is:
a. Is there anything from what I posted for you in any of your threads that you believe is true to who you are and to what your situation is about?
b. If you answered the above with a Yes, let me know what it is that I posted to you which you believe is true.
When you answer my two part question here, I’ll take it from there.
August 19, 2019 at 2:57 pm #308617
- This reply was modified 2 hours, 9 minutes ago by anita.
It will be better if you address Peggy and me separately and that all your questions regarding Reiki healing will be addressed to Peggy (all I know about reiki is in my few posts here, on your thread).
Regarding the part of your recent post in which you replied to my post to you earlier today, I will read and reply to when I am back to the computer. It may be tomorrow morning, about 15 hours from now.
August 19, 2019 at 2:46 pm #308615
- This reply was modified 2 hours, 20 minutes ago by anita.
Dear Cali Chica:
Excellent friendly-but-not-over-involved mindfulness practice. Each such practice builds up your Mindfulness skill and makes it more and more a way of life for you, no practice is too small or insignificant, each one is significant.
anitaAugust 19, 2019 at 2:39 pm #308609
* didn’t reflect under TopicsAugust 19, 2019 at 2:37 pm #308607
My therapist at the time, 2011, introduced to me to Mindfulness via a series of Mindfulness guided meditations by Mark Williams. Following in-person sessions, my therapist emailed me homework to do before the next session. Part of each homework assignment was to listen to one of those meditations (they need to be listened to in order: 1, 2 and so on, but not all in one day. Let’s say you listen the first twice a day for a week before going to the second).
If you google Mark Williams guided mindfulness meditations you can probably listen to them, starting with the first one in the series. If you listen and follow the instructions in the first (to sit comfortably, take a deep breath and so forth, let me knows how it goes for you, will you?
August 19, 2019 at 1:59 pm #308601
- This reply was modified 2 hours, 37 minutes ago by anita.
Dear Cali Chica:
Trusting her judgment makes a person very confused.
anitaAugust 19, 2019 at 1:37 pm #308595
Dear Cali Chica:
I see. You wrote that your mother would have made it known “it was the devastation of her life that her daughter brought on such a tragedy to her family” etc.-
– who really has been the devastation in whose life… who brought tragedy to whom, you know.
anitaAugust 19, 2019 at 12:31 pm #308591
Dear Cali Chica:
Yes, excellent practice opportunity to not rush, to be silent in a social event, to be “Friendly yet not too involved”-
A side note perhaps, I was wondering: because of the heavy duty extravaganza of Indian culture weddings, families going all out- does it make it very difficult to get divorced, it being so very embarrassing because of the very public investment by parents, and otherwise the strong public declaration of marriage?
anitaAugust 19, 2019 at 12:24 pm #308589
You are welcome. “I’m just scared that those voices will return as soon as I step out of the house and I’ll have to start fighting again to get back up. I really just what it all to end. How are you able to set yourself free from the mental prison?”
The voices will return, it is not possible for them not to return. The voices of your parents, their communications to you during your years of childhood, those become recordings in the brain that keep replaying. Sometimes you get a break, as when you first moved away, when something new and exciting happens, but then with a bit of time and nothing-very-new happening, these recordings get replayed yet again (not necessarily the same words they told you, often it is just the distress that gets replayed, or a series of thoughts that get replayed so quickly, you don’t “hear” the specific words.
How am I able to set myself free from this mental prison-
it started with my 2011 first quality psychotherapy, first therapist who was a caring, hard working, professional, empathetic, creative therapist. It is not easy to come across such a quality therapist.
It’s been 8 years of an ongoing process for me. More than four years of it are recorded in this very website, in my communications here with hundreds of members. To summarize: it has been an ongoing learning experience, a cognitive and emotional learning experience. This kind of learning is synonymous with healing.
You have to heal from the very distressing experience of growing up in a hostile home. It takes a long time of healing to finally feel safe enough, safe enough to have the courage to open up to life instead of being closed to life, hiding from life, introverted.
It takes limiting or ending contact with people who are harmful to you, it takes being selective as to who you allow into your life and in what capacity (where, when, how, for how long, if at all). It takes experimenting with new things, such as you learning to swim. It takes forming new relationships with people who promote your healing, it takes a whole lot.
You do have to be patient with the process, a process that you have to take on. Lots of work involved, lots of thoughtful choices.
When I started therapy, Mindfulness as a big theme, it is a necessary skill. Learning to be mindful allows you the ability to live in the here-and-now, not in the then-and-there of your childhood.
What do you know about Mindfulness?
anitaAugust 19, 2019 at 12:01 pm #308585
Dear Cali Chica:
Don’t rush to get to the events Thurs and Fri- what if you are late, so what? I remember your description of N’s wedding I think it was, years ago, you were rushing while she herself, the bride, did not rush.
“I must maintain some space for me, just me”- yes, do so. Hope you feel better soon, the cough and cold (yes, your previous post didn’t reflect).
anitaAugust 19, 2019 at 10:58 am #308579
Welcome back to your thread and you are very welcome, glad you are back!
“When would it be right to quit and how do people know if they are running away or if the environment is wrong for them? .. What if they are not able to determine for themselves? Do they leave, or do they stay?”-
I don’t think that I completely understand your questions to me but I will answer you best I can. You can then let me know if you would like me to answer something else or elaborate on any part that follows:
If you are in a situation where clearly there is abuse, for example, your job experience includes people yelling at you and calling you names- clearly you have to quit immediately.
If a situation involved distress for you but you are not sure if there is abuse, you are free to describe that situation here and I will gladly give you my input regarding it being abusive or not.
If a situation involves distress for you but there is no abuse there, do not quit it, not before thorough examination and study of the situation: what about it is distressing to you. Following such study, make a plan of change on your part, a plan to try adjusting this way and that way and seeing if those ways lessen the distress for you. You basically experiment with possible solutions. For example, you can ask to be moved within the company from a shared office or cubicle area to a private office or a different part of the building. In some companies it is even possible to arrange working from home.
If you are not able to determine whether you should stay or leave, that means you are overwhelmed, your thinking is not clear. That often happens when fear rules that space in between the ears, self doubt is strong. In that case, postpone your thinking to a time when you are calm.
Trying to think and figure things out when fearful, or anxious, self doubting, is like trying to see things through the fog. You can’t. Calming down is like clearing the fog, you can see then, when the fog is gone.
Again, for any specific situations, describe what those are and I will be glad to offer you my thoughts.
anitaAugust 19, 2019 at 10:17 am #308577
I communicated with a different member this very morning about the concept of “mental prison”. I will explain how it relates to you, based on the information you provided and my understanding of it:
At home, with your parents, you were in a physical prison. You were stuck there, nowhere else to go and be: “I spent a lot of time at home (wasn’t allowed to go out)”.
You lived in fear of your father, “I would get really bad anxiety when he walked into the house”- he was your prison guard.
“Sometimes, I would run to my room cause I would get insulted and criticized”- you ran to your room for safety from the attacks of insults and criticisms.
You couldn’t talk to your mother because “she would tell my dad every single thing”- she cooperated with your main prison guard. And she didn’t seem interested in anything you told her if it wasn’t about school.
“So, I sort of spent all my life alone and became extremely introverted to the point that going out gave me anxiety”- a child prisoner.
“Fast forward.. I’ve sort of accepted that when it comes to my parents, I can’t really ask them to love me.. I can’t be around them.. forming an intimate relationship with them”- can’t form intimacy with one’s prison guards, the ones who scare you. Fear and intimacy don’t go together.
You no longer live with your parents, but in a different country, but you “find it very hard to form relationships with anyone… Anytime someone gets too close, I get really scared and anxious”- you are now out of the physical prison but in a mental prison- getting out of the physical prison does not free a person from the mental prison.
When you lived with your parents in their house, you really lived (as we all do) in that distance between the ears. Everything that we experience, we experience inside our brain/ body. Living in a different country, you still live in that short distance in between your ears, same place, and so, the physical prison of before, is now your mental prison.
Just as you were scared of your father and your mother, you are now scared of everyone. We project our parents into others.
“I feel like I’m not good enough” – just as you felt all along, as a child.
“it’s like I shame myself into retreating. I just tell myself ‘they probably hate you’ or ‘you’re nothing’.. its difficult to leave my room for days”- same experience- your patents shamed you, their voices in your brain keep shaming you. They communicated to you that they hated you (insulted and criticized you) and that you are nothing (ex., your mother was not interested in what you shared with her, didn’t attend to your fear of your father, but instead supported that fear) and you keep experiencing their hate and neglect and you still find safety in your room.
Personally, I have lived my whole adult life in a mental prison until I started what I refer to as my process of healing. You can call it a process of setting myself free from that mental prison. I am still not completely free, but sometimes I am and I want to be more and more free.
What do you think/ feel?
anitaAugust 19, 2019 at 9:40 am #308575
* didn’t reflect under TopicsAugust 19, 2019 at 9:38 am #308573
Let me process best I can the little that you shared here and see if I come up with something new to me:
1.5 years ago your mother was killed in a freak accident.
You were engaged at the time with a man, six year long relationship, living with your fiancé in a rented house away from your hometown. (You wrote later: “the early stages of our relationship were utterly blissful” and that you were “a wonderful partner for so long”). You and him traveled together to your hometown where the funeral was about to take place.
the early stages of our relationship were utterly blissful
Soon after arriving to your hometown, he “started freaking out and having panic attacks”. You then went on to mention his family experience, his relationship with his mother, his illness, his struggles in the relationship with you, what he said to you.
Then you shared a bit about yourself: “I was so distraught and confused about what had happened to my mother that I didn’t have the headspace to deal with him.. so I was almost relieved, but horrified at the same time”. He left your home town before the funeral, and he phoned you the day after burying your mother’s ashes, while you were still in your hometown, and broke up with you.
“I was shocked that he couldn’t wait to tell me to my face”. When you were back to the rented house you shared with him he told you that he can’t be in a relationship. “I was devastated, but I still felt a huge amount of compassion for his suffering and so we parted amicably”.
One of the last things he said to you was “I thought you could save me, but I now knw you couldn’t. Only I can save me”. Following that you did well for a long while, close to a year, but a week ago you found out that he has been seeing someone else for about two months and you read what he posted about her on Instagram: “about how utterly amazing she was and how she’d helped him learn to live laugh and love again”.
Your response: “I am in utter turmoil. Comparing her to me, wondering why I wasn’t good enough, wondering what I could have done differently… it has to be me… am I right to be angry?… I’m barely coping… I don’t know if I have the strength to grieve the relationship all over again… Or maybe it’s grieving the person I thought I knew”-
– this is the something new to me that I am coming up with: I think that “the person I thought I knew” in the above quote is you, specifically, you in the role of Savior.
I think that your interest, or great motivation in your relationship with him, in your mind and heart, was to be his savior, to save him from his family troubles, from his distress and his misery.
It is when you found out that he is seeing another woman who succeeded in saving him (he has been posting “how utterly amazing she was and how she’d helped him learn to live laugh and love again“), that you felt the failure of your efforts to save him.
Before he left you he told you that he thought you could save him- because you did try to do just that, to save him. He told you then that it will not work because he has to save himself. You were sort of okay with it because it was not that you failed- it was that he had to save himself. When you found out a week ago or so that he was seeing another woman who succeeded in saving him, so it seems, it is then that your perception of yourself as a failure became acute, in your awareness.
Feeling like a failure, you wrote: “she’s worth it and I wasn’t… beating myself up… feeling like I’m just fundamentally damaged, broken, and no amount of trying to fix myself will work”-
I figure no amount of you trying to fix and resurrect your Savior Role will work, that is the broken part of you. And it is a good thing, because now you have the opportunity to let go of this role and be who you really are, a human, not a savior.
What do you think?
anitaAugust 19, 2019 at 8:44 am #308559
Dear Cali Chica:
Good morning! When you submit and it doesn’t reflect under topics, simply post again “didn’t reflect”, (no need to copy and paste the post again).
“A guilty pleasure to stay in all day and be lazy”- guilt is a painful feeling. We fear feeling pain and that fear has kept you spinning your wheels before.
“the concept of living in fear.. inmates been released from prison but.. living in fear won’t change for her”- I live thousands of miles away from my mother, to never see her or hear her again and yet I heard her only yesterday, arguing with me, dismissing my thoughts as wrong. Her voice in my brain is not loud and I notice it quickly, but I still hear it, still feel the fear of what she will say and do next (imagining someone else who is in my present life has already thinking what she is thinking and is about to let me know how wrong and bad I am).
“both you and I did anything and everything to make our mothers happy, and all that lead to increased distress for us, and no change in them… such sweet innocent little girls… They will do anything and everything to please or appease their mothers… being their mother’s puppet or punching bag”-basically, our good nature was taken advantaged of, we were used, misused, abused. Basically we loved her and she used our love for her and our need for her, to hurt us. I don’t know if I should use this word, but since you brought up prison, you and I were our mothers’ b*^*,weren’t we.
“Needing power… I have been angry and resentful for not taking back my own power”- to no longer be her b*^* (I am using this word because it resonates with me this morning, it feels so true). To no longer be her b*^* is to no longer “somehow subconsciously .. continuing the same behaviors and keeping the same role”- and it takes being conscious, mindful, attentive to take back our power.
When your mother in law called you and left a message saying they had a great time etc., she didn’t try to “rub this in my face, or guilt trip me”, you wrote. But your mother did, when your mother said similar things she did mean to rub it in your face and to guilt trip you. This is why you project these intents into your mother in law. In other words, as a child you perceived correctly the intents of your mother, then closed your awareness to it best you can, fast forward, you project those intents into another person.
“I felt annoyed, like I wanted to swat a fly away”- this is how young Cali Chica felt when her mother tried to guilt trip her, intending to do so.
“stop bothering me”- this is how you felt as a child, bothered by your mother, wanting her to stop bothering you.
(Good thing you didn’t go to Maryland and see again that cousin from the London incident, why cause yourself distress).
“I live in fear… I live in-authentically. To be me- to have my own life and power back. And to learn what it is like to not live in fear”-
– to be you, you do have to free yourself from that “mental prison” you mentioned, mindfully, attentively, to choose thoughtfully. If you don’t pay attention, you will continue to live within that mental prison.
To be free from that mental prison, practice your freedom every day, choose thoughtfully, endure the guilt, the distress and persevere. Relax and watch TV, go or not go to events, you decide. Figure who really is mistreating you and who you only imagine to be mistreating you (projecting your mother into that person). It will take time and a pause between event (ex., hearing the voicemail left by your mother in law) and response (ex of one you didn’t do: calling her back and saying: you are trying to guilt trip me!)
Remove the guilt (I-am-doing-wrong) and shame (I-am-wrong) when you do what you feel like doing, and that is how it feels to be free.