Forum Replies Created
July 19, 2018 at 10:49 am #217709
People who treated you badly when you were a child didn't treat you badly because you deserved mistreatment, or because you didn't deserve to be happy. They mistreated you because they relieved themselves from their anger (at someone else in their lives) by acting aggressively toward you, hurting you.
You wrote that you believe in karma: what does this belief means to you in context of this cheating?
* Will be away from the computer and back in about sixteen hours. I hope you feel better very soon.
anitaJuly 19, 2018 at 10:42 am #217707
Dear maggie mac:
I hope that you feel better soon. Hope he contacts you very soon. You wrote in your previous thread that there has been a plan to move closer to each other, living together maybe? But money, you wrote, was the reason it didn't happen by that point last year. Was it still the plan before he stopped talking to you?
I will be away from the computer for about 16 hours. I hope other members answer you. You are welcome to add posts to your thread anytime. I will read and reply when I am back.
anitaJuly 19, 2018 at 10:35 am #217697
Dear Cali Chica:
I am losing focus, feeling tired. I will soon be away from the computer for the next 16 hours or so. I read only the beginning of your recent post and am glad you are feeling lighter today! I will read the rest of your post and any you may add before I am back and reply then.
Looking forward to read from you. Take good care of yourself.
anitaJuly 19, 2018 at 10:30 am #217693
Are you living with your father and how old are you?
Your father just met this woman a week ago. Usually people don't get married so quickly after meeting. Also, you don't know that she is sugarcoating anything, pretending to be nice to you, do you?
I wonder if you communicated this to your father, your fear that he will marry her and that she will turn against you if he does. I hope you respond and I hope you feel better soon.
anitaJuly 19, 2018 at 10:14 am #217681
When we “block that out”, that being what harmed us in the context of our relationships with our parents when we were children, we keep re-living what happened there in our romantic relationships as adults. Maybe it is time to unblock that?
anitaJuly 19, 2018 at 9:55 am #217671
You are welcome. I am glad you are feeling better after blocking him. You mentioned “a similar dynamic with all men in (your) life”. What dynamic is that?
anitaJuly 19, 2018 at 9:50 am #217669
I wrote to you earlier that he has issues, and he does. The two of you have significant issues. One of his issues is going from the reasonable I-had-a great-time-let's-do-this-again to you-and-I-forever, all before a second date.
One issue you brought into this very short relationship is dishonesty. Specifically, you had sex with him even though you didn't like him much (“I don't even know if I like him that much”, you wrote after the first date). If a man's only motivation is to have sex with you, then not a loss for him. But if a man is very infatuated with you, wanting to be yours, etc., then having sex with him is likely to give him the false impression that you like him and encourage his hope for that you-and-I-forevermore.
During that first date you “felt so insecure”. You worried, during the date, that he was bored with you and so you ended it earlier than later. And yet, he told you that you look “so joyful and smiling all the time”. You faked that joy, didn't you?
anitaJuly 19, 2018 at 9:16 am #217659
* didn't reflect under TopicsJuly 19, 2018 at 9:14 am #217657
When you confronted him about him living with a girlfriend and not revealing that to you for the seven months relationship with you (August-March), he told you that “he didn't think to tell me about her bc when we started talking he didn't think we would end up connecting so well so he hid it from me, and just continued the lie”-
this means that for him, it is okay to lie to a woman for as long as he doesn't feel “connected so well” to the woman. It also means that once he does feel connected-so-well to a woman, it is still okay to lie to her, to “continue the lie”.
“What is wrong with him?” you asked. My answer, in the context of your share, is that the thing that is wrong with him is that it is okay with him to lie and continue a lie in a relationship.
“What is wrong with me?” you asked. My answer: you liked him a whole lot. The relationship with him meant a lot to you. Once the truth hit you, you pushed away the inconvenient truth from your awareness, and pretended best you could that it wasn't there.
I hope to read from you again.
anitaJuly 19, 2018 at 8:56 am #217641
If other than the cheating you were honest and kind to him and he was the same to you, if the relationship was healthy for the two of you, no aggression in it, then I hope you do get a second chance. A one time event of intoxication and cheating, as regretful as it is, I hope, will not result in the ending of a two year healthy relationship.
Was it healthy, one of no aggression, kind and loving?
anitaJuly 19, 2018 at 8:50 am #217639
There are inconsistencies in your story: the date lasted an hour, an hour or an hour and a half (you stated you watched the time of the date); the date consisted of going out for a drink or coffee. You stated you didn't see him for a couple of years and yet you met him at the gym so that he would gather some things before going for a drink or coffee. (You added the gym element so to explain the difference between the hour and the hour and a half).
And then, following the first date he told you he had a good time, you texted him “me too”. He didn't respond to that. Then before a second date, he tells you that he wants to be yours, that you will be going to vacations together, that you will be forever in his life, all following “me too”, without you communicating to him anything encouraging of such an infatuation.
anitaJuly 19, 2018 at 7:48 am #217633
I ask questions because I want to understand better. You wrote that you didn't tell him that you loved him. Did he tell you that he loved you, and if he did, how did you react to him saying that?
You wanted to go to an amusement park with him, you wrote. When you were dating, where did you go, what did you do?
anitaJuly 19, 2018 at 7:36 am #217629
I haven't lived your life. Of course I haven't. No one has. Does it mean that no one can understand you?
What does it take for you to believe that you are understood?
anitaJuly 19, 2018 at 7:26 am #217627
Dear Cali Chica:
The truth shall set you free, “To see the reality is liberating“-
healing is about freedom and liberation from untrue, or false beliefs, the distorted thinking that results from these false beliefs, and the distress that goes with it.
anitaJuly 19, 2018 at 6:58 am #217623
Regarding my first question today, you wrote (page 1 and on): “We met today for a drink… we were in the café for an hour and a half.. we met literally for an hour.. It was an hour and a half but we visited the gym first because he wanted to take some things and then we went for a coffee and it was about an hour”
Regarding my second question, you wrote about a man, “the only man I fully trusted in my life and I knew he cared… the only healthy relation I was in… it lasted as a friendship for many years”- are you referring to Tom about whom we communicated at great length on your previous thread?