Forum Replies Created
October 17, 2019 at 2:54 pm #318457
I am familiar with rOCD. If you want to share about your experience with it, please do. That is, if you feel like sharing about it. It often helps to share and receive an attentive reply, which I intend to offer you if you share. I do hope you feel better soon enough.
(Will be away from the computer for a few hours).
anitaOctober 17, 2019 at 12:00 pm #318435
You shared that you were in a 3 year relationship that ended. Four months later you met this man your thread is about and fell in love. You were living at home at the time, with your parents I assume and weren’t happy there. After a few months of dating him, the two of you decided to live together in his new new house which was under renovations. Before moving in with him you felt depressed and weren’t sure you were making the right decision (“Before moving in a depression bout hit me and I was unsure”)-
– if you want to, will you share more about that depression, before moving in with him, what was it about?
anitaOctober 17, 2019 at 11:48 am #318433
Not everyone chooses a career path because of passion they have. Passion for a particular career is not necessary. Maybe an interest is enough, a curiosity you have about a particular thing, wanting to know more about it or getting better at doing it.
If you want to share about how old you are, whether you attend (or attended) university or just graduated high school, or maybe you are working, please do, as well as what have been your interests so far, and what are your goals in life.
anitaOctober 17, 2019 at 11:38 am #318431
“It’s like I want someone who only sees me as beautiful and doesn’t look the direction of anyone else, but that’s not possible”-
– it is possible only if a man is unable to see, that is, blind. Or very secluded, as in you and him living in an island, just the two of you, and no TV or magazines and such.
But even a blind man can be attracted to a woman’s voice he hears nearby. And a man living with you on an island, just the two of you, still has images stored in his brain of women he saw before, women he had sex with, and as you and this man sit by the water of the ocean, he may be holding those images in mind.
I too was very jealous this way, obsessed, really. I felt very threatened by the thought that this man is thinking of another woman, or is attracted to one, or is replaying memories with another woman. This obsession was fueled by certain childhood experiences of mine.
If you want to communicate with me on the topic- maybe it will help you- please do.
anitaOctober 17, 2019 at 11:29 am #318429
You are welcome. I can attempt at trying to help you with applying it if you want. If you do, post again with some of the particulars of your situation.
anitaOctober 17, 2019 at 11:24 am #318427
You read like the sensible woman that you are, most sensible. I am impressed with 1-4, well said, can’t say it better myself.
anitaOctober 17, 2019 at 10:22 am #318421
It annoys me just reading about it, imagining the scenario. I think I would be feeling the same. I think: stay with your rules, stick to them. Over time you will figure out the why. Maybe he just doesn’t care. This is a hurtful thought, isn’t it. I know it is. But if this is reality, that he doesn’t care, better feel the sadness that goes with it and accept it, instead of keeping the hope alive. I think this is why the rules are good for you- if you don’t text him, you don’t get confusing messages that keep your hope alive. You get to see how he behaves without you initiating contact.
Reads like he doesn’t care. How does that make you feel, reading these words?
anitaOctober 17, 2019 at 9:39 am #318413
“it made me feel better when you wrote that the world would be better with a bit of me in it. Because often I feel the opposite”- what we often feel as adults is what we often felt as children. As children our home was the world. When the parents communicate to the child that they are unhappy with the child, the child believes that home would be better without her. Fast forward-> the world will be better.
The professor ignoring you- I know how it feels to be ignored, very unpleasant. I don’t know why he did. But your assumption that you “had done something wrong” is your automatic assumption whenever something undesirable happens.
“Today was a good day at work. I feel more confident now and am better when interacting with clients or talking on the phone.. I still get nervous, but much less… they asked if I could possibly handle it alone.. It means that they trust in me more now and that makes me proud”- excellent, so glad to read this! And I am proud of you too, if I may say so.
“About K”- he wasn’t honest with you, and he was selfish. He said that the woman should “sit back and relax in a relationship”- meaning, relax and let the man lie to her and use her for his selfish reasons???
“It is not what I want”- no, it is not. (And I don’t want that for you!)
You do know what kind of a relationship you do want: “to make decisions together, find solutions, compromise and share responsibilities”- a reasonable and healthy view of relationships.
Notice this: you didn’t cause K to be dishonest and selfish. He was like this way before he met you. This is the reason why you have to be careful about who you choose to be in a relationship with, and if the man is not right, no use trying to change him: you didn’t cause his dishonestly and selfishness and you can’t change it.
“if we were meant to be together, I wouldn’t have felt so badly about myself”- you are not meant to be together with a dishonest and selfish man. You are meant to be together with an honest man who cares about your well being and values you.
“Sometimes I still make mistakes and hurt someone”- when a person around you looks or sounds unhappy, you assume- inaccurately, that you made a mistake and hurt that person.
You can be “strong and able to stand up for” yourself, and be “caring and friendly to people”, both, but always stand up for yourself first. Don’t compromise yourself so to be friendly to people who are okay with using you.
What you described as your dream life fits my understanding of you and I am glad you are almost financially independent. It is very important. In that scenery of nature, the forest, you can have a partner in life, one who respects your need for alone time and who also needs his alone time.
anitaOctober 17, 2019 at 8:56 am #318399
Dear cali sister:
Okay, if you feel more comfortable there. Email me then?
anitaOctober 17, 2019 at 8:52 am #318395
Dear cali sister:
Well, you are getting my undivided attention now and for as long as you need it today (before I go for my walk and such later on).
But I know you want a man’s attention, this is what you were referring to, specifically A’s attention. Part of it is (and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it at length, but have to mention it) is your sexual needs, as the young woman that you are. Even if you are not aware of that need, of that energy that draws you to A, it is still there. I wasn’t aware of it but I felt it nonetheless I remember, when I was a teenager. It felt like life stirring inside, an excitement building, a sort of happiness but nowhere to go and nothing to do about it. I mean, I didn’t have a boyfriend. I only dreamed of one. If you look at the animal world, this sexual excitement drives animals to all kind of rituals and efforts and whatnot, all leading to the act and then they are done and attend to other things. Let’s look at you at work, you experience all this excitement and then, well, no rituals, no final act, so something has to give= anxiety.
Should I be writing this on email???
anitaOctober 17, 2019 at 8:35 am #318389
Yes, I was in this situation of fear and lack of confidence in my skills, have been there too long.
You wrote earlier: “whenever my dad did or said something that hurt me, or my mom, or my friends, I would basically .. not do much. I’d roll with what was done or said to me.. I would literally zone out, mull on the situations where someone threatens my feelings or my boundaries in some way, real or imagined”. I suggested assertiveness and you wrote about it: “it’s a skill not a trait, it’s just a matter of finding the perfect balance between grace and respectfulness, and being stern and confident”.
My input today: following early childhood, for a person to feel less afraid, a person has to trust one’s ability to protect oneself and to bring about positive changes in one’s life. You will feel less fear if you successfully practice protecting yourself and bringing about positive changes into your life, bring about good things into your real life experience. Real, as in not in fantasy, when daydreaming.
Only when you successfully experience your ability to do these things, your fear will lessen and confidence will grow.
First you will need to find in different circumstances if you are really threatened or if you inaccurately believe that you are.
Second, you wrote that assertiveness is “just a matter of finding the perfect balance between grace and respectfulness”- this is something one reads in a book, or someone who is already assertive says about this skill. But for someone who is not yet assertive, it will be a long, long… long time before the practice of assertiveness feels anything like a “perfect balance”, or grace. In reality, for the nonassertive person it feels very uncomfortable to learn and practice assertiveness. So many people try and abandon the project.
There is no other way to do it but through discomfort. Start small and rest between practices. Plan each one and execute the plan. Rest and figure: what happened, did it work, what are the results. In other words, reflect and evaluate your performance and decide what changes to make next time.
If you want, I will be glad to try and help you with the first and the second. You can give me an example and we can work on it together, here on your thread.
October 17, 2019 at 7:58 am #318377
- This reply was modified 22 hours, 38 minutes ago by anita.
Dear cali sister:
Congratulations on two weeks of No Contact !!
I hope you are calmer now, as I type this. And as you are reading this. I hope you tell me more about this “very anxious today”. I will put together this post from yesterday material for you to read whenever you are able.
anitaOctober 17, 2019 at 7:47 am #318373
Dear Cali Chica:
You write so well. I will read (from email) and comment as I read: “my mother.. she doesn’t look like the person she embodies, a middle aged woman with a great figure”- to the child the mother does embody perfection, a god, beautiful, strong, wise.
“she states how her body is ruined by her daughters”- so they are guilty soon after conception, there in the womb- her complaints against her daughters start when they are fetuses.
Think of it, if she blames a fetus, how can you ever give any credit to her blaming anyone!!? Surely a person who blames a fetus is cognitively a suspect and whatever they say from that point on needs to be examined before it being accepted as the truth.
“Always talking about dreams that were lost. Oh what a shame- mother could have had this or that if only others didn’t ruin her life”- but she did have “this or that”- she had two daughters, two dreams that if she valued them, these two girls could have made her life beautiful. But she considered these two dreams as things that ruined her life.
“my sister appears very young and thin here, childlike.. very youthful. Mother- She looks like the kind of a villain in a Disney movie.. like ..the evil stepmother, she gets larger and larger, her cackle gets louder and louder. The good innocent little victim or child figuratively gets smaller and smaller as this evil being gets larger and larger and taking over the whole screen”-
– this is what our Chapter 2 is about: resurrecting that very young child, hearing her voice, making space for her on the screen while making the mother smaller and smaller and her cackle finally silent.
The way it is supposed to happen: a young child sees her mother as god, follows her, finds safety with her, learns about herself and over time becomes capable and less needy of her mother, so she sees her mother differently, sees her as a human, not a god. But what happened with you (and me, separately) is you found ourselves with a bad god who persecuted you, her child. So the persecuted child, a victim, doesn’t get to develop and see herself as truly capable and her mother as human, less capable than god. The mother, in the mind of the persecuted child, remains a god, taking the whole screen. And as the child becomes adult, her mental screen still has this “evil being” at its center, large and loud, very visible and very audible, while the adult-child herself continues to be very small on that screen, hardly visible and hardly audible.
“mother.. She is powerful and in charge of her little victim”- this is the story of child abuse. The parent sees this weak, needy child and perceives it as an opportunity to feel powerful. And as she feels powerful, we feel weaker and smaller.
“At the age of 34 I am still trying to find my voice”- many people never find their voice, or if they find it, they get scared and forget about it, keep hearing the god on the screen of their minds. It is a wonderful thing to find one own’s voice, speak it and hear it. To find that little child in the corner of that screen and give her center stage.
S, this woman in your life, a few years older than you, “I actually think she is an idiot!”- similar to what you think about your mother (you are having an idiot as a god, taking that whole mental screen!)
“(S) is an idiot who really has no idea what she’s talking about, but goes on and on about and thinks she does”- just like your mother.
“(S) has complained about certain friends over and over for years, but never makes any changes in her approach or opinion, or speaks up sometimes still idolizing them… she continues to have the same comments year after year… she thinks of things in a very adolescent way. High school drama-esque”- just like your mother.
“(S) is not as smart as I once thought”- neither is your mother, you thought she was very smart in the beginning (as all children do), but she is an idiot.
“Other people my age would have figured that out a long time ago, knowing their true voice- and would limit their conversations with her”- or have none at all. Thing is, other people don’t have an S in the center of their mental screen. S is not their god. My point is that through no fault of your own, you have an idiot for a god. Well, had an idiot for a god. Chapter 2 is about demoting the idiot and removing her from your mental screen.
“(Mother) didn’t raise us at all actually”- she used you.
“there was so much of my own will that led me to be where I am right now”- when we are born, we are not born like her, we are born like the billions of people and animals that preceded us in the evolution of life- we have their genes. The world didn’t start with her, this one mother, the blueprint of who we are.
“Being “raised” by an enemy”- a title of a book, I imagine.
“I simply don’t have the energy left anymore. My memory is so much worse”- it can return to you, the energy and the memory, and it will return as you change what is on that screen, place you in the center of it, and the demoted god, no longer there except for a bad memory.
“I watch so much stuff about women in prison on Netflix.. my mother. She deserves a spot there too”- yes. She definitely does not deserve any spot in your mental screen. She does not deserve to be your god. Or anyone’s.
“when I close my eyes right now, I think of my mother as a Disney World Villain… If I conquered Ursula from the little mermaid, who can be so scary? Who is going to beat me down every day?.. Who is going to have so much power over me..? No one. No one at all.”- not your mother, not S, not any idiot. You have power over you, right there in the center of the screen!
October 16, 2019 at 6:42 pm #318289
- This reply was modified 23 hours, 23 minutes ago by anita.
Dear cali sister:
I am sorry. I was under the impression that you mentioned the name yourself in this thread. I wish I could edit a previous post! Will definitely not repeat. Good night.
anitaOctober 16, 2019 at 6:21 pm #318283
I will be back to read and reply later than I thought, in about 12 hours from now.