Forum Replies Created
December 5, 2019 at 1:51 pm #326205
No, don’t block her, unless you have to, for your mental health, because it hurts too much to feel that need for someone. Block her if you need to, not so to let her be free. I don’t think she needs or wants to be free of you. I think that you are a piece of her freedom, and she values that a lot. She doesn’t need to be free from you. She needs to be free otherwise.
anitaDecember 5, 2019 at 1:23 pm #326199
Isn’t it amazing, what it takes to have “the best time” in a lifetime, not something one can buy with money, but that “being really close to someone”. You can’t buy that or stop wanting that. It’s a longing deep inside, it’s who we are.
“I keep myself inside away from anything but not with her”- we were all like that in the beginning: outside, reaching out to our parents, then to other people… until we get hurt and keep ourselves inside, closed.
You remember now how it felt then, you can still feel it. I so do wish you will experience that again!
anitaDecember 5, 2019 at 11:21 am #326187
Excellent Damage Control Status Report (DCSR). I know you didn’t really date these two co workers and I figure there is a lot of inter-company sort of dating/ hanging out situations for a good number of employees, past and present, so don’t lose sleep over this. But I do hope you can meet a decent, interested man elsewhere.
“People will talk”- if they do talk about you, it will be temporary as something new comes up, some other story, some other person to talk about.. and then the talker gets her turn too, to be talked about.
December 5, 2019 at 11:00 am #326185
- This reply was modified 7 hours, 24 minutes ago by anita.
You are welcome.
“he has a more difficult life then mine… he was taking care of his mother who was going through a heavy cancer treatment.. He then lost his mother. He is in debt” – I feel empathy for him but it doesn’t change the basic requirement of decency. He should not have left you with a urine soaked mattress and tell you “sh** (or pee, really) happens”.
“I had no relations with any man for over 6-7 years”.. “I just needed someone that I felt comfortable with and he was available and easygoing”- understandable. But it is not too much to ask for available, easygoing, and exercising minimal, basic personal responsibility.
Post again anytime.
anitaDecember 5, 2019 at 10:42 am #326179
August 2018 you shared that you moved from Chicago to Florida a few years back, having been in a 4.5 year relationship (3 years living together) with a man in Florida (he was and is 100% blind). In about July that year, you found out he was chatting with other women online, maybe met one in person. You then were “very verbally abusive.. even physical” with him, and you gathered all your belongings into your car and “left back home to Chicago”. Back in Chicago, you wrote about your sister in law who lives in Arizona with one of your two brothers, the older one: “I am so over taking her condescending attitude”.
November 2018: you shared that your mother recently passed away. You were living with your younger brother, his daughter (your niece) and your father in the tiny apartment where your mother used to live. You shared that both your parents were addicted to drugs, that your father was recently clean for the first time in your life, that you grew up poor, neglected, and that you suffered sexual abuse by your older brother (the one living in Arizona) from the time you were 5 to 13. You wrote that you didn’t want to live there, that you hate the Chicago winter, and that you still carry resentment for your mother who neglected you and your brothers while addicted to drugs, and when she sobered up, she still neglected you and your two brothers when “she met a man and that became her life. I always felt that drugs came first than a man came first”, you wrote.
December 2018: you wrote that you go “up and down” with your emotions, “one day I am confident that I got it and the next few days I am down and out and then I have to start over”.
January 2019: you moved from that tiny apartment to your aunt’s house December 31 of 2018. You wrote that you feel “very lonely. All the things I was complaining about I miss.. I miss my brother and even my father”. You shared that you’ve been “functioning pretty well” in spite of feeling down and lonely. “I have learned to go on despite my feelings”. Again, you wrote how your moods fluctuate: “I was doing ok for a few days. Living life just fine, figuring things out and then BAM. Last couple of days filled with fear”.
You wrote that your aunt is driving you crazy, “She calls me in the morning on her way to work, on her lunch, when she gets off work.. She is a little passive aggressive and controlling”. You had two nights when you felt great, “I had so much peace to just sit and think about all that has happened to me. I am still sad, and hurt, and anxious but am ambitious for the future”.
February 2019: you wrote about having a “Bad bad day”. “Sometimes I feel I may be bi polar or have something wrong with my fluctuations of mood.. the up and downs are draining”. You later wrote: “moving with my aunt was a terrible decision. I hate it now”. During that month you flew to Arizona with your younger brother to visit your older brother, his wife, four year old son (your nephew). At first it was good, but soon, it wasn’t: “This was the worst idea at the worst time”, you wrote. “I am so disgusted by my younger brother.. and the way he has treated me this trip. He has been so passive aggressive and cruel to me”. You felt “dead and empty.. like I need to go to the ER with these chest pains and stress”.
Back in Chicago, you were “confused.. struggling with living with my aunt”. Your job was based in Florida and you were working from your aunt’s home, about to start a second job. Your plan was to qualify for a small mortgage for a condo in Florida.
March 2019: you were working two jobs, your Mind has been all over the place”, but at one point you had a “decent couple of days.. feeling decent.. trying not to let things bother me and move forward”.
April 2019: you were working three jobs and saving. You were up to $7,500 in savings. You felt “up and down but am happy with myself because I have been strong and staying on track regardless. I have been so consistent. I am proud of myself… I have been working really hard. I have been trying my best to stay focused on me and my goals”.
May 2019: “Living with my aunt has been hitting the fan lately. She is so passive aggressive and manipulative”. You were thinking of moving out and you looked for a room to rent in a house with four women. It was going to cost you $250 more than you were paying your aunt, but “my peace is more important”, you wrote.
“I am confused… Everywhere I go I seem to be getting the same passive aggressive response. Could this be normal? I am sick of the passive aggression. I feel like the more happy I am the more someone wants to bring me down… I will be with 4 women and what if they start with the passive aggression”. You gave an examples of your aunt’s passive aggressive behavior: she “acted as if she care and then asks me if I lost my job.. I think she wants me to lose my job because she hates that I work from home. She bangs anything she can in the morning to make sure I am up as early as her”.
“I am so ready to get out!” of your aunt’s home, you wrote. Later you wrote: “my aunt.. continues with her aggression”. Later on another aunt of yours died. “The wake was literally a hell!” you wrote. In that wake your living aunt “smeared me to my entire family. I was chewed up and spit back out”. In that meeting where you wrote that you were smeared , you told your older brother “that he is controlling and manipulating”, you told your younger brother that “he is in toxic relationship and abandoned me when I needed him”, you “lashed out.. then got up and said I couldn’t take it any more and left the house.. Didn’t attend burial”
Following that meeting, you wrote: “I feel like I cannot spend one more night here with my aunt!.. I need separation from these soul sucking creatures… my entire family has turned on me and wanted to bring me down”. During this month you left your second job and “spent tons on hotels” while still living with your aunt. Eventually, you rented a room for a month, got your stuff out of your aunt’s house and left.
June 2019: living in a rented room, you felt depressed, “empty and longing for my family”, and your insomnia started. “I miss.. my aunt’s place. I’m confined to a room.. I’m emotionally exhausted and sleep deprived.. I want family to save me but I don’t want to run back to them like I am wrong!”. Your older brother sent you a message: “I don’t know what it is that you are going through but I am here for you no matter what.. I want to do whatever it takes to work on our relationship”. Your younger brother’s message was: “just wanted to tell I love you and miss you. You still got family here for you”. You felt confused by these messages and found them “very invalidating to have them do this! I had my head on straight yesterday and now I am in doubt again!”.
You visited your two grandmothers, “to give them a chance”, “confronted one grandma”, she told you that she loves you and you found it “So invalidating. I am so lost at this point.. SO depressing”. “I do not know how to separate abuse from someone just being themselves”, you wrote later.
You wrote about your anxiety: “I have high anxiety with bouts of numbness… heart palpitations, throat tightening and a migraine with stomach pain and tension.. flashbacks”.
July 2019: you left that rented room, “here I am car full of belongings and food that will melt and oddly feeling ok about this situation”, back to “hotels and Airbnb”, looking for an apartment, “my money is dwindling”. You found an apartment that would be available to you on the first of August, you signed a lease there. Still insomniac, you went to a psychiatrist and got more sleeping pills, “still no sleep”.
September 2019: you were in your new apartment, “used up my savings on furnishing and all”, “emotions are still a roller coaster and my mind is still racing… confused about life”.
October 2019: you complained about “nightmares, anxiety attacks often and flashbacks sometimes all day long… since I left my aunt’s place I have been only surviving.. I spent over 8 thousands in 5 months surviving.. I have spent thousand of dollars and many, many hours in different kinds of therapy for it to only get worse? That is so upsetting!!!”
November 2019: You complained about “anxiety and attacks. I am currently numb.. and disconnected… am on 3 meds. Not sleeping and no contact with family”.
December 2019: You complained about “this ongoing constant anxiety”, feeling numb, disconnected from yourself, “like my brain keeps trying to figure out what just happened in the last 6 months”. You wrote: “I don’t feel the meds doing anything. My anxiety is at a max”.
My input today, Dec 5, 2019 (I will make it short, simple and direct): you had a very difficult childhood and so did your two brothers. As a result the three of you have greatly suffered. Your older brother sexually abused you for eight years, which greatly added to your suffering, eight years of sexual abuse that were swept under the carpet to this very day. As a result of the severe neglect and abuse that you suffered, you got to a place where you frequently feel abused anywhere, anytime by anyone. Even when you are not abused at all. You can’t tell the difference.
For example, when your aunt was making a rackets in the mornings, preparing to leave for work, it doesn’t mean that she was passive aggressive against you. I means she was in a hurry and was loud- it does not mean that she was not being loud on purpose so to wake you up.
When you were crying and she asked you if you lost your job, it doesn’t mean that she was trying to tell you that she wants you to not work from her home anymore. Maybe she really was concerned about you crying and she wondered if you were crying because you lost your job.
When your younger brother smiled during that meeting, the wake or after the wake, it doesn’t mean it was an “evil smirk”. It may very well be that he was very uncomfortable and it was one of those I-can’t-believe-this-is-happening kind of a smile.
And when one of your grandmother told you that she loves you, you thought that meant she invalidated you.
In other words, you see insincerity, evil, abuse and passive-aggressiveness everywhere, and often it is not really there.
And then, because you feel abused and attacked by anyone, anywhere, anytime, you kind of.. defend yourself with anyone, anywhere, anytime.. but because you were not really attacked, your defense really is.. attack. In other words, what is really happening is you attacking people left and right.
You get confused a lot, not knowing what is happening.
You suffer from anxiety and extreme fluctuations of moods, although ever since you left your aunt, the dominant mood is anxiety, numbness and depression. You were getting better (having good moments or good days in between the anxiety and depression) March this year while living in your aunt’s home, and your best time (more good moments or days in between anxiety and depression) was April this year. From May on, it has been a downhill slope.
I suggested to you many times to see a responsible psychiatrist and follow his or her instructions. But you have gone on and off of various drugs, not giving anything a chance to work. I think that you need to give a psychiatrist a chance so to stabilize your moods, and at one point attend cognitive behavioral therapy so to learn how to accurately evaluate people and situations, so to determine where there is abuse and where there is none. And to control your own aggressive, lashing out behavior against other people.
This does not mean I am on your older brother’s side, the one who sexually abused you for eight years- he has a whole lot to answer to, he owes you a whole lot of restitution. I don’t mean that your aunt is a good woman, and I don’t mean that you felt abused by every person in your life (I assume you haven’t felt abused by your niece and nephew, for example). What I am saying is that you are lashing out at people when they are not disrespecting you or abusing you, and you otherwise misinterpret people’s words and gestures, seeing invalidation in what may be sincere concern and affection toward you.
</div>December 5, 2019 at 8:26 am #326159
Let’s look at what you shared: you are 41, he is 36, in relationship (ended a month ag0) for over two years. He “kind of works freelance”, but cannot afford buying a mattress. He stayed in your place a lot because he lives away and kind of works in your city.
Not long ago, the two of you attended his boss’s wedding. He got drunk there, you “dragged him home”, your home, that is. You left him sleeping in your bedroom while you slept in another bed. He urinated in your bed, and once aware that he did, he “went on sleeping in the guest room like nothing happened”. You told him to leave and he “stormed out”. After a week of no contact, you called him and he told you that he is upset that you kicked him out over him urinating in your bed.
By this point he never sincerely apologized, nor did he offer to replace the mattress he destroyed. You told him that you ordered a new mattress, and “he just said fine”. He did tell you that “he is not ashamed of that night, because s*** happens”.
A few days later he texted you that he wanted a breakup, telling you that you want to change him and that he “doesn’t want to change for anyone”. A month later, you feel “sad and lonely”, questioning if you acted with him “too harshly over nothing?.. am I being too bossy? Did I overreact to a stupid mistake and lose a naïve partner”?
My answer: a “naïve partner’s urine smells as badly as a savvy partner’s urine. You can’t sleep on a mattress that was soaked with urine no matter who urinated on it. So it needs to be replaced. The fact that he didn’t offer to buy you a new mattress, be it on credit (if he can’t afford cash) is appalling.
Urine smells bad, and so does the character of a man who urinates on a woman’s mattress and doesn’t take responsibility for it by replacing it. I don’t need to know anything more about him to figure that his character (or lack of) smells badly.
If his philosophy of life is that he is neither ashamed nor responsible for things because “sh** happens”, then what is the next sh** that he will not be responsible for?
That leaves you with a lot of sh** to clean up after him lifetime, if you were to resume a relationship with him, doesn’t it?
anitaDecember 5, 2019 at 7:22 am #326151
Dear Pui Tin:
I like what you posted very much, an excellent chapter on give-and-take assertive communication. This is what it leaves me with: it is okay to reject a gift, but better do it immediately, not procrastinating, and do it in a way that is not rude. When I give a gift to another and it is rejected, it doesn’t mean that I am rejected. It means that the gift is rejected, and that the thought of receiving it made the receiver uncomfortable.
But what if the giver is the mother, giving a gift to her child, and the child feels uncomfortable, what is a child to do?
anitaDecember 5, 2019 at 6:50 am #326149
There is one detail that is very, very important but you didn’t mention it: did he offer to pay for a new mattress, did he order a new mattress for you so to replace the one he destroyed?
He told you that “he can’t stomach the fact that I kicked him out of the house for an incident that he had almost no control over”-
– but did he do the basic, decent thing that he did have control over = order you a new mattress of the same or better quality than the one he destroyed?
anitaDecember 5, 2019 at 6:36 am #326143
What an unpleasant development! This put the E to the Ending of this whatever-it-was with K.
You now have a reputation at work, having dated/kind-of-dated Mark and K, two male co workers. Do have your desk moved so you are no longer sitting anywhere close to K, and remove any and all ideas of romantic relationships with any co worker, now and forevermore.
The key now is damage control. Do not escalate the situation in any way. Zero contact with K. Make it clear to him, if you haven’t so far, that there will be zero contact between the two of you.
Damage control for the rest of the day. Let me know how it works.
December 5, 2019 at 6:04 am #326123
- This reply was modified 12 hours, 9 minutes ago by anita.
Your post is about two people, a mother and a daughter.
What you reveal about the daughter: she is 15, she “wants to date a boy from her school”, she is “so easily influenced”. She is mad at you because you don’t ask her about the boy she is interested in, showing no interest in her dating (while other parents encourage their children to date and “get so involved, as though these are going to last a lifetime”).
What you reveal about the mother: although living in the US, you were raised elsewhere, and your upbringing was different there, “If we liked someone, we didn’t act on it, certainly not at 15, and it was a good thing”. Your 15 year old girl is your “first and only child”. You are “confused, conflicted and overwhelmed.. want to make as little mistakes as possible. So much pressure. It makes me physically ill”. You have very high expectations of your daughter. You don’t want her to date until she is “mature enough, to handle heartbreak, or aware of her feelings”. The conflict between you and your daughter in regard to dating makes you “so sad, mad, that the outside world is getting in between us”. You “obsess about her 24/7 to the point that is affecting my marriage, as she is my MAIN focus daily”.
You asked: “How can I SWAY my daughter from these relationships?”
1. First, somehow, you need to find a way to calm down, to relax. Distress is like fog that clouds our thinking. We simply don’t do a good job thinking when distressed. Ways to relax: a daily routine of aerobic exercise, such as half an hour of fast walking per day, a routine of a few guided meditations per day, and if needed, quality psychotherapy. I hope you will not need psychiatric medications for anxiety, but that is an option too, if all else fail.
2. Once relaxed, look for other resources to help you in your parenting situation: testimonies of other parents of teenagers, including parents who were raised in your country/ similar cultures who now live in the US, or in other western world countries. What is their experience, what is their input. Are there articles and books on the matter. Don’t accept everything you read, of course, consider what you read and look for the advice of experienced parents who can tell you after the fact (their daughters are now adults), what worked for them and what backfired.
If needed, you can consider family psychotherapy for you and your daughter to participate in together, with a family therapist who is experienced on the matter of teenage dating and mother-daughter relationships.
3. My personal input (I am not a mother), if I was you: my first concern and responsibility would be the physical health of my daughter. Dating can cause sickness and even death- STDs, that is, sexually transmitted diseases. Herpes is a non-deadly disease but it is extremely unpleasant and lasts a life time. I would (calmly!) show my daughter pictures of genital herpes (or have someone else, someone you trust to be responsible and calm, show her that).
Equip yourself with statistics: how many teenagers in the US alone contract herpes yearly? How about other STDs, including HIV. There has been progress in treating that, but who wants to be taking heavy medications for the rest of their lives and live with that distress, of being HIV positive. How many teenagers in the US get diagnoses with HIV yearly? Share these statistics with her.
And then (I doubt you can do that, but have someone do that, take a deep breath as you read the following) present her with condoms. I know this is distasteful to you, would be unpleasant for me as well. But this is your responsibility because it is possible that this will save her life. With this .. gift, give her the correct scientific information about the effectiveness and ineffectiveness of these condoms in preventing the various types of STDs and pregnancy.
4. Discuss pregnancy with her, what does she think about getting pregnant at 15 or 16, or 17… How does she feel about it, what will she want to do about it, how will it affect her life? Let her know statistically how many teenagers in the US get pregnant every year, how many get abortions, how many die because of abortions, how many keep the babies and how does that affect their lives.
If you are not calm enough to have this conversation with her, have someone else talk to her, or in family therapy where you will be present.
5. Discuss dating/ teenage relationship with her: what do her girlfriends do when they date??? (She is likely to be doing the same, especially if she is so easily influenced by others). Don’t criticize her girlfriends and what they tell her, or what she, your daughter, thinks and feels. Instead, as questions so to point to things her girlfriends/ your daughter didn’t think about or consider. Shine light on the bigger picture. Teenagers tend to see only the pleasant, pretty corner of a picture; shine light on the rest of the picture (STDS, pregnancies, heartbreak and depression, lower grades in school are some of the not-pretty parts of the teenage dating picture).
* If you remain angry and refuse to talk to her, she is likely to date behind your back, or try to do that, which will bring about a relationship between you and her where she lies to you, telling you she is spending time with a girlfriend but instead, meeting a guy.. leading you to spy on her, maybe check her phone… a bad situation all the way around. So, talk to her, calmly, without criticizing her and prevent that undesirable sneaking/lying/spying situation.
* If she tells you that she wants to date but not get sexually involved, you can suggest that she brings the guy to your home, to spend time with her in your home while you are there. But frankly, teenage hormones have a way of motivating the teenager to.. find ways. How can you be stronger than her and the guy’s teenage hormones- I don’t have the answer to that. I suppose you do all you can and should do on the matter, and hope for the best.
In summary: relax. She is not likely to listen to you if you sound angry or crazy. She is likely to listen to you if you sound calm and sane (#1). Research and seek family therapy if needed (#2 above). Then do scare her with real life facts regarding STDs. And pregnancy (#3 and #4). Then, remaining calm (in family therapy, if necessary) talk to her about what dating means for her girlfriends/ herself (#5). Following doing all that you can and should do, hope for the best.
December 4, 2019 at 6:37 pm #326071
- This reply was modified 12 hours, 31 minutes ago by anita.
I “hear” your distress, it is quite intense and I think I understand. I want to re-read your post and reply to you tomorrow morning, in about 11 hours from now. I hope other members, parents perhaps, will answer you as well. I do home you calm down some (we do our best thinking and problem solving when calm!).
anitaDecember 4, 2019 at 5:10 pm #326059
I think it would be fine if you ask her sooner, even though December is a busy month. Really, you are worthy of her five minute! You are worthy of much more than her five minutes, for crying out loud! You deserve hours of her time this December, says I!
I know how difficult it’s been for you, chasing her, or feeling like you’re chasing her (there is a lot of mental chasing she may not know about, that is, you thinking about her).
Call her or text her, definitely. Let me know what happens next, will you?
anitaDecember 4, 2019 at 2:56 pm #326047
I want to let you know that I am preparing quotes from your posts by month and year, starting August 2018, in hope that if you choose to read it, it may give you some clarity. It will be ready tomorrow. I hope your day is okay. I know you don’t like Chicago winter. Here on the west coast, it is gray and foggy so far, and it is almost 3 pm. The sun is nowhere to be seen and a low cloud is omnipresent. Strange, feels like it will be evening soon, and it hasn’t been morning yet.
anitaDecember 4, 2019 at 1:37 pm #326041
You are welcome, Kaylen.
anitaDecember 4, 2019 at 11:43 am #326029
Possibly a movie, definitely a pedicure is a good enough plan for tomorrow.
Magnifying the negatives is the name of one of the thought distortions I was taught in CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, a common thing the brain does, magnifying something negative and then getting overwhelmed by how big it is. When it really is not big.
Your anxiety started before your marriage, when your mother expelled you out of her life. You were not prepared for it. Then came your marriage.