Forum Replies Created
September 23, 2021 at 12:36 pm #386633
I hope that your anxiety lessens and that you will soon be closer to the “bubbly, confident, independent and social Lin” than to the anxious Lin.
You mentioned “his recent lack of affection” and his depression (“He suffers from depression”): depressed people, when feeling depressed, are not affectionate. So yes, it may be the reason why he is less affectionate with you.
Also, your anxious behavior affects him, making him feel more anxious himself, and the result: he feels less affection. (Can you feel very anxious and affectionate at the same time?)
It was very nice of him.. a loving act, to have made dinner for you, the laundry and all that when you were at work, wasn’t it?
anitaSeptember 23, 2021 at 11:53 am #386632
You are welcome. You wrote regarding your family looking at you as if you were “a monster with cold blood” when you didn’t shed tears about your father’s death: “I could really blame them for the cold stare since I never told my mom and siblings regarding the molestation“- but they knew about the beating that your father inflicted on you.. and him beating you was a a big enough reason to explain why you weren’t sad when he died, and why you were angry at him.
When you told your mother about your father having sexually molested you, she reacted this way: “my mom tried to defend my dad by saying he was a good man, that he was a victim of abuse himself which turned him into a different person at times. Then she questioned whether I imagined the whole thing, if it did happen I should just forget about it and move on since his not around anymore (why blame a deceased person)“- you have a bigger problem than an aggressive sister: your mother. She defends abusers (your physically and sexually abusive father, and your aggressive sister), she is on their side. This is very, very sad.
You wrote regarding your mother: “I do blame her for siding with my sister more“- I blame her too: she should never side with an abuser/ aggressor!
“Today my sister just said ‘sorry’ then walked away (what she always does), I pointed out to her that it was not a proper apology without changed behavior“- you are correct. It is very easy to say “sorry”. It takes a second and no effort. She says the word for a dishonestly manipulative purpose: to make it (falsely) appear that she is the good/ humble/ kind one and you are the bad/unforgiving/unkind one.
“I wonder why people who hurt another never seem to retain any memories of the incident“- they say they don’t remember.. it doesn’t mean that they don’t remember.
“Do you think it would help her understand about how I feel by telling her about what she did in the past till now? (I know this is fruitless, but I feel like telling her so that I could let go of the idea of changing/understanding her)“- I don’t think that she is interested in you helping her to understand you, I don’t think she cares to understand you. But you can try and find out. If you do, let me know what you told her and how she reacted, will you?
anitaSeptember 23, 2021 at 7:49 am #386619
How are you Lisa?
anitaSeptember 23, 2021 at 7:43 am #386618
How are you?
anitaSeptember 23, 2021 at 7:40 am #386617
How are you?
anitaSeptember 22, 2021 at 3:36 pm #386614
Correction: yes, I am bored with your Story of being unappreciated, disrespected, etc., but I am okay with you venting it here anyway. Thing is: yes, I am bored with your story, but so are you, and worse: you are physically hurting because of your story, it is physically hurting you. And so, I like the idea of a New Story for you.
anitaSeptember 22, 2021 at 1:47 pm #386613
No, sweetie, it’s not that I am bored with your story, I was saying that I think that there is a way for you to change your Original and Ongoing Story, from being unappreciated, disrespected.. ignored, moved to the side, etc.. to ===> a New Story, one where you are being appreciated, respected and attended to, one where you are at the center, at least from time to time!
It’s not particular to you, it’s true to me too and to everyone else: that we tend to repeat- in adulthood- the story of our childhood.
anitaSeptember 21, 2021 at 4:21 pm #386592
“I can’t believe that this is how life is supposed to be, working till your head spins“- there is a benefit to the head spinning on work issues: having the head still, you get to feel the spinning that was always there, before you ever had a job.
“You know the feeling, like you are running through a tunnel of people hitting you either side. It’s too much“- if you stopped running from others in your current work life.. if you stood still, no longer running, no longer spinning.. something inside you will be running/ spinning, something from long ago, before you had this job and before you lived in this unwelcoming country, I think.
“I’ve no idea if I did something in a former life, born under a dark star or just plain unlucky but these things tend to follow me more than most I think” – born to a figuratively dark set of parents, like we discussed.. indeed, just plain unlucky.. and it expanded from there to your current life-circumstances?
anitaSeptember 21, 2021 at 3:35 pm #386590
If you are not posting because you are back with the guy.. you know, the guy we both don’t appreciate much, that’s okay.. I still want to read from you. I will not accuse you of anything for going back. I just hope you are okay!!!
anitaSeptember 21, 2021 at 3:31 pm #386589
You are most welcome. “Yes, I don’t feel it’d be fair to him..”- I wish you’d think of what is fair to you. Imagine that you matter that much, that.. it matters most what is fair to you?!
anitaSeptember 21, 2021 at 2:32 pm #386585
Correcting a few typos from my above post: “OR has no access to us except through our SP, through our brain where thoughts and emotions, beliefs and memories reside. True to each and every animal with a brain: no one get’s to experience reality directly. There is a way to learn and practice a better and better fit between OR and SP”.
anitaSeptember 21, 2021 at 1:10 pm #386581
You are welcome and than you for your kind words!
“I guess a trouble with feelings is, one never knows if they are valid or not. When I experience them I double guess myself. Maybe they’re the result of my internal filter and experiences and they don’t really fit in with the “objective” reality, if there is such a thing even“- I used to be confused in this way for a long, long time. I am much clearer now in regard to Subjective Perception (SP) vs Objective Reality (OR)
The fact that he didn’t offer to pick you up from the airport- that’s OR. That you feel hurt and angry about it- these are your Valid Feelings, meaning your Subjective Perception FITS Objective Reality.
There is such a thing as Objective Reality, example, gravity: one can perceive that it doesn’t exist, jump off a cliff intending to fly (as people have done), but gravity will have the last word every time. It is true that in matters far less conclusive than gravity, everyone- to one extent or another (often when particularly distressed)- experiences a SP that doesn’t fit OR, sometimes not even close. This is why, when you perceive something about another person, but you are not sure: better ask that person a question so to prove or disprove your perception…(Of course, a person may not give you an honest answer).
“One never knows if.. one response’s are skewed. As humans we respond subjectively“- the OR has no access to us except through our SP, through out brain where thoughts and emotions, beliefs and memories reside. True to each and every animal with a brain: no one get’s to experience reality directly. There is a way to learn and practice a better and better fit between OB and SP.
“One never knows if one is truly fair to others“- I would like you to elaborate on this sometime, starting with perhaps, who was unfair to you when you were a child, yet.. you were not then, and still, you are not sure if he/ she really was unfair to you, we are confused about it (?)
“To be honest I don’t even want to go anymore. I think it’s just going to be awkward sooner rather than later. If I don’t go, I’ll feel guilty”– I am guessing that you will feel that you would not be truly fair to him if you don’t go.
“It’s too late. We made plans. The flight is early Saturday“- it’s not too late to cancel a bad plan, but we have to be clear that it’s a bad plan, rather than being confused about it.
“Things get so complicated sometimes“- I know, but many complicated things can become surprisingly simple when we are no longer confused about them.
anitaSeptember 21, 2021 at 10:10 am #386576
“Is minimizing interaction with my sister considered passive aggressive?“- no: minimizing contact with an abusive person is a protective reaction. It is not aggressive. You need to protect yourself from your sister’s direct aggression against you, and from her indirect (passive-aggressive) aggression against you.
“Since I will be staying home for a while, any advice on what I can do to better protect myself emotionally?“-
Minimize your interactions with your sister to the bare minimum, zero interaction will be best. Ignore her best you can. If she is nice to you (in an effort to no longer be ignored perhaps)- reward her niceness with a smile or a polite word, but that is all: do not become friends with her, don’t get closer to her.
Politeness is the best I would hope from her, if I was in your shoes.
If your mother tells you that you should stop ignoring your sister, that you should be nice to her, etc… because she is depressed, or because she (appears to be) trying to be nice to you.. or whatever she say: do not listen to her. She already told you that you should accept or endure your sister’s abuse- so don’t avail yourself to more of her bad advice, suggestions or instructions!
“I spent most of my life hating my dad, upon the news of his death, I wasn’t able to shed any tears for him… Everyone in the family.. looked at me as if I was a monster who has cold blood“- he hit you with a cane, a hanger, a leather belt.. and maybe with his bare hands from the time you were 7 to 12, and he sexually molested you when you were 10, and then tried a second time. When your father, the cold blooded monster died, your family looked at you as.. “a monster who has cold blood”. That’s outrageous to me!
“I would like to forgive them for myself so that I could move on with my life without feeling bitter but I do understand abuse should not be overlooked“- do not accept or endure abuse.. once you are no longer abused, then forgive, best you can.
“I do empathize my sister since I experience depression before“- empathize with her depression but not with her aggression. Empathize with your own feelings, whatever they are, and see to it that you don’t accept others’ aggression and that you are not aggressive toward others.
Remember that protecting yourself from aggression, minimizing contact, is not aggressive behavior: it is a protective and wise reaction to another person’s aggression.
anitaSeptember 21, 2021 at 9:38 am #386575
You are welcome to rant and vent here anytime! Regarding thanking me for this site: the Founder and Daily Operator of this site is the wonderful Lori Deschene, and she deserves the credit. I am a very active member here, that is all.
“I don’t really want to ask him to pick me up.. maybe it would feel.. too romantic, maybe, so maybe he doesn’t want to do that… but this practically seems like a common courtesy“- it is a matter of courtesy, not of romance: a matter of courtesy which is .. not as common as it should be.
“he’s a good person, he’s wonderful really“-not good enough, not wonderful enough to.. exercise basic courtesy.
“I understand he has his reasons“- there are always reason behind a person’s inconsideration, selfishness.. and even cruelty, but reasons are not excuses for bad behavior. For example, you stated that the reasons doctors in a particular hospital push for unnecessary C-section operations on pregnant women is to make tons of money for the hospital. This reason does not excuse their highly unethical, and seems to me, criminal behavior!
“as a woman you’re here to make $ for a male doctor.. get a back injury”, “it took me two years to recover from the back injury“- a great injustice!
“He sent me a link to the website describing how to get from the airport to the ferry.. I won’t have to walk that much with luggage, maybe ten minutes, plus the airport, train, etc… that link he sent me did mention how single women should watch out.. and wait for a someone trustworthy going in, and tag to that person. Did he even read that?.. if I’m flying to see him, maybe it would be nice if I don’t have to look for strange men to tag along to.. I’ve seen it happen to a woman standing three yards from me, he fought her for her purse and ran off, took five seconds, disappeared into the crowd“-
-The fact that he lacks basic courtesy has been established, but if he knows of your back injury and your vulnerability to get re-injured.. and he didn’t offer to pick you up from the airport so to prevent you from lifting heavy luggage.. that’s more than lack of basic courtesy, it’s a blatant disregard for your health!
Add to it, the fact that women are vulnerable to robbery while traveling alone.. that’s blatant disregard to your safety, and to your expensive belongings (including the laptop that you considered carrying so to help him)!
“I’m thinking, if I just fly there and let go off the anger, but go with that mindset of, ‘I understand things won’t change and he’s wonderful but I’m letting go after this,’ maybe that will help me“- I fail to see his wonderfulness. He may be wonderful in some contexts, and/ or to some people.. but not to you in regard to your well-being.
“And I’m not taking my laptop to teach him that software either“- since you decided to travel to see him, if I was in your shoes, I would tell him before you fly that you can’t take your laptop because it is too heavy for your back, and too expensive to be lost to theft. Say it clearly, but casually, and quickly move on to another topic, so to give him the opportunity to not respond to what you just said. His response, or lack of response, will be very telling!
anitaSeptember 20, 2021 at 7:35 pm #386565
You are welcome. If I was in your shoes, I would feel hurt and uncomfortable, and .. angry too, and my whole trip would be ruined because I’d be resentful the whole time about him not offering to pick me up from the airport.
So, if I was you, I would contact him as soon as possible and tell him that I am upset about having to carry heavy luggage around, especially having a back injury, and hear what he has to say. If he doesn’t offer to pick you up from the airport, ask him why he didn’t offer that, and if you are unsatisfied with the answer- cancel the trip. Otherwise, you will carry the anger throughout the whole trip, and what would be the point (?)
- This reply was modified 3 days, 6 hours ago by anita.