Forum Replies Created
August 7, 2020 at 4:50 pm #364106
You are welcome. I was wondering, why do you see your father as a “broken” man- what is broken about him?
August 7, 2020 at 4:38 pm #364100
- This reply was modified 10 hours, 41 minutes ago by anita.
“I need to understand, to solve the puzzle. Maybe it’s a flaw”- if it is a flaw, then you and I share the same flaw. I like what you shared in your second paragraph, valuing people as the complex beings that we are, being driven to understand, to dig into the human’s mind.. yes, we do have this drive in common.
From what you shared I didn’t see clearly that he suffers from OCD: I didn’t notice definite obsessions and you didn’t indicate any Compulsions on his part (the C in OCD), ex: moving an object to the right, then to the left; touching an object a certain number of times.
I did notice that thoughts scares him, which is the hallmark of OCD: a thought occurs to us, OCD-people, and we get scared, as if the thought in itself is powerful and poses danger. He told you: “I automatically think about wedding and I panic”- you didn’t tell him that you want to marry him, you didn’t pressure him- it is not you/ a real life wedding situation that scared him,- it was a thought that scared him.
You told him that you would like to take things easy. You didn’t mention commitment to him, and yet he brought up the topic of commitment and wedding himself- because the thoughts occurred to him and the thoughts scared him, and he rushed to expel those thoughts out of his brain through words, so that they don’t stay in his brain to torture him.
I’ve thought of OCD, for quite some time, as a step toward psychosis, but not being quite there- a person in a psychotic episode “hears” a voice (his own thoughts), believing it is someone outside himself who just talked (another person, a god, some entity) and gets scared. An OCD person hears his own thoughts, knows these are his own thoughts, but gets scared of them nonetheless.
When you, Lea, think about X, a dangerous situation: imagining the situation scares you, right? An OCD person thinks about X and believes that having thought about X will make X happen. Believing this intensifies his fear may times over. It took me decades to finally understand and believe that what I think stays in between my two ears- thoughts don’t leave my brain and make terrible things happen in the real world.
Your other examples show me that he tends to see danger in situations. No wonder, since he sees danger in thoughts by themselves. If only he could understand, like I finally did, that thoughts by themselves have no power and cannot hurt anyone.
I think I pretty much touched on the key elements of OCD and how I think he indeed shows the hallmarks of OCD: being scared of his own thoughts, believing (without necessarily being aware of this belief) that thinking X (a bad situation) will make X happen in real life, and rushing to expel the thoughts via words, talking or typing away (sometimes a whole lot), so to not be left alone with those thoughts, so to get rid of the thoughts by .. sort of, spitting them out as words.
August 7, 2020 at 3:27 pm #364095
- This reply was modified 10 hours, 50 minutes ago by anita.
You are welcome. You asked if I have “any advice for you on how to deal with all of this”- I will be glad to give you all the advice I can come up with. To start with, read all my posts on this two-page thread and let me know what you think about the input/ advice I already gave other members, and how it can apply to you.
anitaAugust 7, 2020 at 1:37 pm #364090
You are welcome. I am glad to read: “I’m finally starting to feel an inner peace coming”. Anytime that it is a possibility that I can bring you closer to that inner peace, do post and I will be glad to read from you and reply. Also, good to read that he is attending therapy.
You listed your “own mental disorders.. ADHD, dysmorphic disorder and scholar anxiety” and his newly identified “OCD+ introversion”. Of these, ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder), Body Dysmorphic Disorder and OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) are officially recognized as mental disorders. I experienced symptoms of all these three disorders and officially diagnosed with OCD a long time ago (I suffered from OCD since early childhood). All these are fueled by too much anxiety that was experienced most often very early in life.
You wrote regarding his OCD, that you read many articles about OCD, and that what he told you and his past behavior make sense now, in light of this diagnosis (assuming he received this diagnosis?)- if you want my input on the fit between what he told you/ his behavior (let me know what of what he told you and what of his behavior fits with your understanding of OCD), let me know.
anitaAugust 7, 2020 at 12:40 pm #364087
Worldometer (August 7): still over 19 million cases and over 718 thousand deaths worldwide. Over 5 million cases and over 163 thousand deaths in the U.S. More than 58 thousand new cases yesterday (Aug 6) in the US, an increase from the day before, and 1,203 new deaths yesterday, a decrease of 116 from yesterday. Yesterday, there was an increase of almost 3 thousand new cases in California and an increase of more than 2 thousand new cases in Florida than the day before. There was a decrease of almost 2 thousand new cases in Texas than the day before. There’ve been 20 fewer deaths in California, 105 fewer new deaths in Florida, and 16 more new deaths in Texas than the day before.
Yesterday, there were 789 new cases (an increase of 101 from the day before) and 6 new deaths (a decrease of 4 from the day before) in New York.
New deaths reported for yesterday in descending order, listing only the 4 and 3 digit numbers): 1,226 in Brazil, 1,203 in the U.S., 899 in India, 829 in Mexico, 306 in South Africa, 196 in Peru, 174 in Iran, 116 in Russia (same order as listed for the day before yesterday, in my post of Aug 6).
CNN: What you need to know about coronavirus on Friday, August 7: “More than 19 million people around the world have new been infected with the coronavirus, and 715,024 have died. The number of new daily cases has topped 200,000- a level not seen before July- for 23 days in a row… In India, the number of infections surpassed 2 million today. The speed at which the virus has spread around the country of 1.3 billion people is stunning. India reported its first case on January 30. It took almost six months to reach 1 million cases, then only three more weeks to add another million.
“Meanwhile, there are now 1 million reported cases in Africa- more than half of them in South Africa- although the World Health Organization said the actual number of infections in the region might be much higher than because testing remains a challenge. And Brazil, the world’s second worst-hit country, is fast approaching 3 million cases and 100,000 deaths.
“But it is the United States that is seeing the highest numbers of infections and deaths. More than 4.8 million Americans have been infected- approximately one in 75- and more than 160,000 have died… The numbers could get much worse. Several US states are seeing an increase in the percentage of tests coming back positive, and Dr. Anthony Fauci said this was a predictor of trouble ahead. ‘It’s a clear indication that you are getting an uptick in cases, as we’ve seen in the southern states, leads to surges, and then you get hospitalizations and then you get deaths,’ Fauci told CNN yesterday.
“The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is now projecting more than 181,000 coronavirus deaths in the United States by August 29. That means the CDC expects almost 1,000 Americans to die on average every day in the next three weeks… Looking further ahead, the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation at the University of Washington’s School of Medicine foresees nearly 300,000 US deaths by December 1. It doesn’t have to be that way. The institute said 70,000 lives can be saved between now and December, if only more people started wearing masks. ‘Starting today, if 95% of the people in the US were to wear masks when leaving their homes, that total number would decrease to 228,271 deaths, a drop of 49%, said IHME Director Dr. Christopher Murray.
ABC News, Us Covid-19 death toll rises for 5th straight week (Aug 8): Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, is urging the public to ‘not abandon’ public health measures ‘in anticipation of a vaccine’. ‘When you’re talking about public health measures, there are many, many things that we can do,’ Fauci said at a briefing Thursday hosted by the Alliance of Public Health. ‘But you can distill them down to five or six that everyone should be doing: masks, physical distancing, avoiding crowds, outdoor better than indoor, washing your hands with soap and water or with alcohol-based sanitizer.’
“Fauci said we could see different scenarios as we get into flu season this fall.. he hopes to see more people getting the flu shot this year. Approximately 170 million people did last year..
“France on Wednesday reported its highest single-day rise in coronavirus infections in more than two months amid concerns about a resurgence in Europe… the country recorded 1,695 new cases in 24 hours, the largest increase since May 30, when 1,828 ne2w cases were identified in a 24-hour reporting period… A tally kept by Johns Hopkins University shows South Africa with the fifth-highest number of diagnosed Covid-19 cases in the world..
“Since the start of the pandemic, a total of 85 children under the age of 2 had tested positive for the virus in Nueces County (Texas, USA) by mid-July. Now, that number is ‘close to 167’, according to Annette Rodriguez, health director.. Nationwide, the number of Covid-19 cases among people under the age of 18 from March 1 to Aug. 3 were 40% Hispanic, 34% white and 19% Black. The ethnicity breakdown of those patients who died from the disease is 38% Hispanic, 34% Black and 25% white, according to the memo.
CNN, India coronavirus: More than 2 million cases confirmed (Aug 7): “After initially appearing to have curbed the spread of the virus, India, the world’s second most populous nation, has struggled to cope with the fast-expanding outbreak. Across the country, critically ill virus patients have been turned away from public and private hospitals for lack of beds, staff and equipment… Compared with other countries, India’s mortality rate remains low. According to JHU data, India has around three deaths per 100,000, compared with almost 67 deaths per 100,000 in the United Kingdom, which has the highest mortality rate of the top 20 most affected countries.”
Wikipedia, Operation Warp Speed: “a public-private partnership, initiated by the federal government of the United States, to facilitate and accelerate the development, manufacturing, and distribution of Covid-19 vaccines.. It was introduced by the Trump administration in early April 2020. Operation Warp Speed will promote mass production of multiple vaccines based on preliminary evidence.. The plan anticipates that some of these vaccines will not prove safe or effective, making the program more costly than typical vaccine development, but potentially leading to the availability of a viable vaccine several months earlier than typical timelines. Congress has allocated nearly $10 billion for Operation Warp Speed”.
ABC News: Experts, scientists confident in vaccine process, despite criticism of ‘Warp Speed’ (Aug 7): “Scientists who are working on the various coronavirus vaccine candidates agreed, noting that the rapid pace of the development is the result of a financial investment, rather than a scientific shortcut. Developing a new vaccine is expensive. Traditionally, cost-conscious pharmaceutical companies move slowly, starting with a product in a so-called ‘Phase 1’ of testing and ensuring it works before moving on to larger (and more expensive) Phase 2 and 3 trials. Now, all those steps are happening simultaneously- at great financial cost but not in a way that sacrifices the scientific integrity of the process…
“Meanwhile, companies are scaling up manufacturing before it’s clear if the vaccines work- many with the financial backing of Operation Warp Speed. ‘The leading companies are starting to mass-produce vaccines now, even before there’s any evidence of success,’ said Barouch. ‘If the vaccine fail, they will take millions of doses and discard them.. That has never been done to the best of my knowledge in pharmaceutical history.’
Meanwhile, companies are scaling up manufacturing before it’s clear if the vaccines work — many with the financial backing of Operation Warp Speed…
“Pau Offit, director of the Vaccine Education Center.. said he’s concerned the Trump administration could apply pressure to approve a vaccine that Operation Warp Speed has supported because millions of doses already exist, even if data is still preliminary.. ‘What could happen is that the vaccine is far less effective than you think it is, in which case you’ve shaken what is a fragile vaccine confidence in this country’.. Twenty-seven percent of American adults said they wouldn’t get vaccinated against COvid-19 if a vaccine is approved, according to a ABC News/Washington Post Poll conducted in May. Half of those people said they don’t trust vaccines in general.”
anitaAugust 7, 2020 at 9:45 am #364064
Yes, the sun is out (I just noticed after reading your wish that I enjoy the sun today). It is interesting, paraphrasing what you expressed: your anxiety is like unwanted glue that make your thoughts sticky, so the sticky mass of thoughts causes excess thoughts/ excess lines in the first mask drawing, lines that you had to erase. When calm- no stickiness, no excess thoughts, no excess lines, nothing to erase. Yea, better think when calm.
anitaAugust 7, 2020 at 9:32 am #364063
You are welcome. I appreciate you too, thank you for being in my life.
“it is what I shared with them that they used to get back to bite me, so now I have limited communication with everyone I know in any ideal issues (practical)”- yes, we all know the experience of sharing something honest and personal with another person, and that person using what we shared against us, to hurt us even more. That’s a form of betrayal, as we trusted another with personal information, with our honest emotions, and he or she betrays us.
We have to be careful as to what we share with whom, and for what purpose. It’s wise to do so.
You wrote: “Most of the people are extremely disheartened talking about me on daily basis that this marriage has changed me to be different Gregory due to trauma but ‘wapi'”- if you want, you can tell me more about how you changed, and what is “wapi”?
anitaAugust 7, 2020 at 9:13 am #364060
Thank you for being, I like that, a mindful saying. Than you for being as well.
“Painful past moments often replay themselves in my mind.. who is trying to talk to me… what you think causes the reliving and replaying of hurtful events”?
People make a distinction between physical injuries and emotional injuries; physical pain and emotional pain; physical abuse and emotional abuse, but everything we experience is physical. A physical injury can cause us to bleed, and as we see the blood, we can see that an injury has taken place. An emotional injury can cause us to feel pain for a long, long time, and the injury is visible, just not as blood, or a bruise or a broken bone.
When an emotional injury happens, something like this happens, simplified: the nerve cells (neurons) in our brain secret chemicals called neurotransmitters, and our glands secret other chemicals called hormones. When a parent yells at a child, for example, neurotransmitters are produced and secreted, causing the child to feel fear; powerful hormones are produced and secreted to the blood, travel to the child’s face, causing the child’s eyes to open wide, to the child’s chest, causing the child to inhale and exhale quickly, to shake, etc. Neurons, glands, chemicals- these are all physical, and so all injuries are physical and all are visible (and/ or detected by any of the five senses).
When painful past moments replay themselves in your brain, what happens is something like this: you see something that in your memory storage is related to the past injury, that cognitive connection leads to your brain and glands to produce and secret the same chemicals that were secreted in the past during the injury, and you get to re-experience the same emotions and the same bodily reactions (face looking scared, or sad, or angry.. heart beat is faster, feeling dizzy perhaps, etc.)
“I’d like to fully accept whatever is behind it and transform my relationship to it or the painful memory”- it is possible but it takes a long, long time depending on the painful memory and other factors. It takes changing the chemical reactions (production and secretion of neurotransmitters and hormones) that keep happening in your body as a result of remembering the injury. It takes a persistent practice of mindfulness, of slowing down when the strong tendency is to rush, it takes an understanding that there is no short cut, that it takes time to very gradually, and very patiently change our chemical habitual reactions to memories.
It also takes making sure that we are no longer available to be re-injured by the same individual/s that injured us (that will keep our memories alive!). It takes not allowing other people to injure us, feeling confident in our abilities to detect being injured and to protect ourselves (being assertive). And it takes even more understanding of what happened.
I would be glad to continue to communicate with you on the topic if you want.
August 7, 2020 at 8:17 am #364056
- This reply was modified 18 hours, 11 minutes ago by anita.
Good to have you back here. You are kind. Please stay away from that woman. Don’t give people who are likely to harm you the opportunity to do so. She may be mourning now, crying but it doesn’t mean that her heart has softened, or that it will stay soft for long.
anitaAugust 7, 2020 at 8:11 am #364055
I will retell your story my way, using quotes from your original post: you are 21, and at this point your mother is 50 and your father is 66. You shared this: “I hardly think about my mom, and fixate too much on my dad”.
You’ve been fixated on your father, specifically on the fact that he’s been hiding and lying to you about having been married five or six times before he married your mother, instead of being upfront with you about it. You don’t trust him (“If my dad keeps this in the dark, he most certainly keeps many other things in the dark”), and you are angry at him (“revenge fantasy.. so that I can ‘get back’ at my dad.. Should I forgive my dad?)
You shared that you found out that your father was previously married when you were 14, seven years ago, when you woke up at night and heard him mention his ex wives. The next day, “I felt numb and was really quiet. But doubt they noticed any changes as I’m usually quiet”.
You shared that in your interactions with your father, you “project this image of being ‘daddy’s girl’, someone who just adores him”, that you’ve been attracted to older, or older and broken men, since you were 14, that older men represent to you “A ‘second chance’ to love and care for someone again. To forgive someone for their past failed relationships, to be a daughter and a lover “. Your fantasy is to marry such a man, so that “he will love me wholly, despite my feelings of hurt. And he’ll never abandon me. That’s my ultimate fantasy.. I want to be the perfect, ‘obedient’ daughter to the man I’m in a relationship with… losing my virginity to this perfect father figure”.
My understanding at this point, based on the information you provided: you have been fixated on what you heard that night when you were 14 because by that night you were a very lonely, “real quiet… usually quiet” girl who did not receive the attention and love that you needed from either one of your parents, and when you reached out to your parents with love, they rejected you, emotionally abandoning you. If you were a loved child that night, at 14, what you heard would puzzle you, but not alarm you, causing you a seven years fixation.
The reason it was so alarming to you, and the reason you fixated on it, is that you grabbed what you heard as The Reason why you are not loved. And so, you figured: the solution is that I another older man who will “love me wholly.. never abandon me”, who will be your “‘second chance’ to love and care for someone again”, a man who will accept and appreciate your love for him.
Maybe your mother was busy otherwise, maybe she was clingy and demanded too much of your attention, but you don’t fixate or focus on her because you feel that you have a better chance to get the love that you need from your father. It is more difficult for you to perceive that your mother can love you, so you focus and fixate on your father.
Is any of my understanding correct?
anitaAugust 6, 2020 at 8:32 pm #364031
I am glad you feel trusting of the management at your work place. When we are scared, like you were earlier, we often get angry and our thinking is negatively affected, that’s why it is so important to not .. think under the influence of fear and anger, but to calm down and think when calm.
anitaAugust 6, 2020 at 8:27 pm #364030
I hope you no longer lie awake in bed at night regretting that you broke up with him. I hope you have peace of mind and heart.
You wrote: “he deserved to be with someone who wanted what he wanted, a future, so I broke up with him”- you didn’t want what he wanted, and that’s okay to want something different. At 16, most people are too young to commit to a future with another person.
“I wanted to feel free”- at 16, it’s understandable, to want to be free from a commitment to another person.
You can start your own thread if you want (go to Forums at the top, go to Categories, choose Relationships and scroll down to the empty boxes), and share more, express yourself, if it helps, and I will read and reply to you. I hope other members do as well.
anitaAugust 6, 2020 at 4:16 pm #364007
“if people actually cared here there would be no withholding of information like this”- I think that you are jumping to conclusions, assuming that the reason the management didn’t present the project to the staff is because they don’t care. The management may be researching the safety of it all, and is preparing to answer any questions by the staff before the presentation, so to present the project in a competent way, and that takes time. Does this make sense to you?
August 6, 2020 at 12:04 pm #364000
- This reply was modified 1 day, 11 hours ago by anita.
I don’t quite understand what you mean by it not being public knowledge that there is a plan to test surfaces for the virus in the lab where you work- you mean that the other co-workers don’t know that this is the plan, but you do..?
anitaAugust 6, 2020 at 11:36 am #363994
Worldometer (August 6): over 19 million cases and over 712 thousand deaths worldwide. Almost 5 million cases and getting close to 162 thousand deaths in the U.S.; more than 55 thousand new cases and 1,311 new deaths in the U.S. reported yesterday. 225 new deaths were reported in Florida, 220 new deaths in Texas and 169 new deaths in California reported regarding yesterday, Aug 5, and a lesser number of new cases in FL and CA than recently, but still high in TX. In New York: 10 new deaths yesterday, same number as the day before yesterday.
The new deaths reported for yesterday, Aug 5, is as follows in descending order (I am listing only the 4 and 3 digit numbers): 1,322 in Brazil, 1,311 in the U.S., 919 in India, 857 in Mexico, 414 in South Africa, 221 in Peru, 185 in Iran, and 139 in Russia.
The U.S. administered more tests than any other country (more than 62.5 thousand tests), but when you look at the number of tests per million people, that is, the percentage of the population that was tested, these are some of the numbers in descending order: Luxemburg, a small European country of just over 620 thousand people, more than 995 thousand tests per million population were reportedly done: 99.5% of the population was tested. Bahrain, a small country in the Persian Gulf with a 1.6 million population:50.8% of the population was tested. Iceland, a small country of under 350 thousands: 43.8% of the population was tested. Denmark: 28.5% of the population tested. The UK: 25.7% of the population tested. The U.S.: 18.8 of the population was tested. India: 0.16% of the population was tested.
Looking at the reported number of deaths during the pandemic so far, most deaths have been in the U.S., over 160 thousands. Looking at the number of deaths per million people, this is a list of the countries with the highest deaths per million population in descending order: Belgium- 850 (that is, 0.00085% of the population died of the disease). UK- 683, Peru- 613, Spain- 610, Italy- 582, Sweden- 571, Chile- 517, USA- 489, France- 464, Brazil- 459, Mexico- 385, Netherland- 359, Panama- 359, Ireland- 357, Ecuador- 331.
Los Angeles Times, Southeast L.A. already faced many ills. Now it’s the epicenter of coronavirus (Aug 6): “infections skyrocketing in its mostly working-class Latino communities. The sharp increase since the economy reopened around Memorial Day (May 25) shows the virus is spreading rapidly through factories, stores and other workplaces and into communities with higher rates of poverty, more crowding and many essential workers who make the economy tick… The region reported more than 27,000 new cases over the last two months, the most in the county. The area now accounts for 19% of new infections, although it comprises just 12% of the countywide population, the Times analysis shows.
“The southeast region, with 1.2 million people.. is home to many low-wage, front-line workers, and residents there are more likely to live in overcrowded, multigenerational households- key risk factors in accelerating spread of the virus, according to experts. In contrast, the more affluent and majority-white Westside-.. recorded about 3,000 new cases and showed a much slower increase, the Times analysis found.
“Stay-at-home orders and other aggressive measures imposed early in the pandemic had a ‘huge blind spot,’ Hayes-Bautista said. They overlooked those who kept working as meat processors, delivery drivers, grocery clerks, construction workers and other essential jobs- work often performed without N95 masks, or other protections- and enabled white-collar workers to shelter at home…
“‘I think all the attention has been on people hanging out in bars and restaurants,’ said Manuel Pastor, a professor of sociology at USC. ‘But someone is working the back rooms in those places as well as continuing to go to construction sites, ride public transit, and head home to overcrowded household.'”.. Across the county, areas with the highest poverty rates are experiencing infection rates that are nearly five times higher than areas with the lowest poverty figures. That gap has widened in recent weeks as wealthier areas have seen much slower growth in case numbers.”
<i>CNN, The world may never eradicate coronavirus, but it can get it under control, Fauci says </i>(Aug 6): “Anthony Fauci said Wednesday that the ‘highly transmissible’ virus isn’t likely to be eradicated from the planet. The conclusion drawn by the nation’s leading infectious disease expert contrasts with that of President Trump, who on Wednesday said the virus will ‘go away’.
“Fauci said he US can get on top of the virus with a good vaccine and prudent safety measures- like masks, hands washing and social distancing. ‘We may need to go through a season of it and then the next season, if we have a vaccine, it won’t be a pandemic, it won’t be immobilizing the world, it won’t be destroying the economy.’ he said…
“Case numbers are being driven up by people who are not taking the virus seriously, Fauci told CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta. ‘The good news about Covid-19 is that about 40% of the population has no symptoms.. The bad news, for messaging, is that 40% of the population get no symptoms.’ That makes it difficult to present a clear and consistent message about the dangers of the virus…
“Since the beginning of June, the case rate for people in the age group of 30 to 49 nearly tripled and the case rate for people between the ages of 18 to 29 nearly quadrupled, Los Angeles County Department of Public Health Director Dr. Barbara Ferrer said. ‘This is also the age group that is most likely to be attending the large parties that we keep seeing,’ said Dr. Ferrer…
“Early in the outbreak, health experts believed severe infections and spread were less likely among children. But more recent data shows that while children are far less likely to die from Covid-19 than adults, they can still pass the disease on to others. As schools have begun to resume classes on campus, students and teachers have tested positive or were sent into quarantine from the virus. But keeping students home could lead to millions of parents being forced to quit their jobs, according to economists from Goldman Sachs.”
A few of my comments: a more visibly alarming virus, such as Ebola that causes visible external bleeding and kills on average 50% of the people it infects, motivates people to do whatever it takes to avoid it, but the damage that SARS-Cov-2, the virus behind Covid-19, causes is way less visible, and the beginning symptoms are similar to the very familiar and not so alarming flu symptom, so we are less alarmed. And the mortality rate is so low, compared to Ebola that .. again, we are way less alarmed, especially younger people, and those with no pre-existing conditions.
And this is what makes SARS-Cov-2 more dangerous than Ebola- many people are way less scared of this virus than of Ebola, and so the spread continues and the death toll rises, with no end in sight-
– no end unless and until people socially distance, wear masks; until leaders who are in denial stop fueling the denial of millions, and start implementing measures that need to be implemented, until effective vaccines are manufactured and become available to millions of people.