Forum Replies Created
January 26, 2021 at 7:32 pm #373547
I am so sorry to read what she told you. I was hoping for a better story, for a love story. She told you that she can’t see a long term future.. that’s quite a definitive statement. I was hoping for something better. I can understand you being tired and sad, I am sad too.
anitaJanuary 26, 2021 at 7:28 pm #373546
You wrote: “He then tells me.. we need to stop talking but before we do that he would let me b*** him & that he might even f*** me. Then he could pretend we never knew each other”-
-what he said was rude, crude and cruel, I am so sorry you heard him say that. Please do not accept what he said as anything more than the most despicable verbiage, indicative of a vile character. There is nothing “elite” about this man. Please do not debase/ humiliate yourself by having sex with him ever again.
anitaJanuary 26, 2021 at 2:59 pm #373540
You are welcome. I don’t have much time right now, so I didn’t read all of your post, and not as attentively as I would like to (will be back to your thread, re-read and reply Wed morning), but for now, the thought occurred to me that if you “Let (this) good guy go” (the title of your thread), I imagine your regret, being that you regretted letting go of the other “good guy” and the one before him.. But maybe this guy really is a good guy, maybe the best guy, and better not let him go.
anitaJanuary 26, 2021 at 11:54 am #373534
I am trying to understand what you want in this situation, what your objective is: do you want him to unblock you and continue a relationship with him, or do you want to sue him for having mistreated you the way he has, or something else ?
anitaJanuary 26, 2021 at 11:37 am #373531
I am sorry that you’ve been having such a tough time. You had a miscarriage and the guy made you “keep all of this a secret from.. anyone & everyone”- why did he want you to keep the pregnancy and miscarriage a secret/ what was he afraid will happen if you tell people about it?
January 26, 2021 at 11:21 am #373529
- This reply was modified 15 hours, 14 minutes ago by anita.
Sometime in Aug-Sept 2020, before meeting this woman, you wrote about an ex-girlfriend: “I don’t think I wanted to partner with someone who dealt with unresolved issues“, and later: “I know that if I continue to put in the work on myself, any future (with the right, emotionally mature woman) will be that much better”.
When you met the current woman in your life, what you saw first was “a girl across the floor.. slim, with beautiful eyes and a bright smile”, “She was.. refreshing after a year of solitude and a focus on improving myself”. Soon enough you learned that she too has unresolved issues: “She too attends counseling.. she battled a type of anorexia and nearly killed her… she drinks more than she should… vaped for a few years now… Maybe her vices and struggles would eventually cause me to want to walk away”- I think that her vices and struggles are very likely to cause you to walk away, and that the process of walking away is already in progress.
In my recent post to you last evening, I was sitting by the fire, feeling romantic and optimistic, wanting a love story to play out for you and for her. I am more realistic today.
You wrote last year, before you met this woman: “I continuously push women away who get close to me… I’ve certainly dealt with anger issues for much of my life.. There has always existed a frustration within me.. A chronic feeling of being misunderstood or never feeling like I fit in (That could play a part in why I keep trying different experiences. Wanting to find ‘my place’)”-
– and indeed you are looking to relocate once again, another job, another place.. a fresh start. Congruent with this pattern, you are likely to move away as soon as you find a job far away, and the current woman is likely to be a fresh start gone stale and old.
You shared last year: “my practice at keeping my feelings and emotions at a distance.. I cannot continue to hurt women (by my coldness) and I do not want to end up alone in life… my depression holds steady… I’ve certainly dealt with anger issues for much of my life”- – your anger is not loud or wild, it is a tame, quiet anger, but it is powerful nonetheless, keeping you alone in life.
Maybe this quiet anger needs to be addressed.
anitaJanuary 26, 2021 at 9:58 am #373526
Dear Anagha Sonde:
“I am not becoming free from the pain… eternal peace and freedom from trauma are what I also want to achieve”- I hope your pain lessens. I don’t believe there is such a thing as “eternal peace and freedom”, but I wish you relief, and a better life-experience today and every day.
“I stopped taking the medicine prescribed by my psychiatrist”- I suggest that you re-consider and treat your active bi-polar condition with prescribed medication and with appropriate, professional counseling As Soon As Possible.
anitaJanuary 26, 2021 at 6:11 am #373520
I hope that the stimulus package being worked on will help you pay the taxes you owe. I have a better understanding of your situation, increasing your work load, no one to help you process the increased work load, worrying if you are doing enough for your clients, regretting not having chosen a different career that would have afforded you a life without financial worries.
But then, I know people with no valid financial worries, lots of money coming in every month, pensions and whatnot, people who are financially secure who are lying awake at night, unable to sleep, minds racing, worried, anxious. I remember a pharmacist acquaintance I had, one who served the rich Beverly Hill community telling me how many, many antidepressant prescriptions she was filling for the Beverly Hills rich residents.
My point is- an anxious mind is in the habit of being anxious and if it’s not financial worries, it will be other worries. Anxiety is like fire, you can put it out in one location but there is that other location and the other one. It comes down to lessening/regulating that anxiety every day- and you can do it where you are, living the life that you are living now.
I get scared every once in a while, just now I felt a rush of fear following a valid worry that crossed my mind, a real possibility of danger, but it was not an intense rush, my heart didn’t race, I didn’t feel dizzy, spaced out, in distress (like I used to feel years ago). It was a little rush of fear and I thought: what do I need to do about this situation, figured I need to talk to a particular person about it, and so, I will, later on today.
Look at your reaction to seeing how much taxes you owe: “I did my takes last night and fell to the floor crying seeing the number”- falling to the floor crying in an intense emotional reaction. Emotion regulation is about lessening the intensity of our emotional reactions to most circumstances in our lives.
“I say it every time, I need hope. I need hope that I can have a healthy relationship, that I can help people, that I will survive this period of isolation”- I don’t think there is a person in this whole wide world who spent more time than I spent reading, re-reading, typing, retyping and studying your words. (most recently, without sharing it with you, I put together quotes from your posts since 2017 and re-studied them). And so, having done the work and having invested the time, my following assertion is an educated assertion:
You are able to help your clients. You can survive this period of isolation. You will be able to have a healthy relationship. You Have What it Takes, you can and will make it!
anitaJanuary 25, 2021 at 7:42 pm #373516
You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation. I am not focused enough to read your whole recent post and reply, and I will do so in about 11 hours from now. I read just a bit of your recent post and these are my unbaked, unedited thoughts: she felt comfortable to sleep with you in her bed, holding each other.. and she kissed you hungrily in the hot tub.. this is very promising, in my mind. I don’t want you to move away from her and from the potential of what can develop next. You are special to her, seems to me, no less than she is special to you. My wishful thinking is that you and her will be together as partners for the rest of your lives, a romantic sentiment but.. according to what you shared, it can happen and I don’t want you to run away from this opportunity. Will be back to you.
anitaJanuary 25, 2021 at 6:09 pm #373514
You are welcome. I think that what happened is that you have attachment anxiety (“I also have attachment issues”), and having sex with him for the first time caused you to feel more attached to him (“I really feel there was a deeper connection there”), and as a result, you felt more anxious.
You became anxious, fearful of losing him (“part of me is afraid to lose that”, that being the connection with him). Fearful, you became alert to any sign in his behavior that meant that you were losing him/ that he was withdrawing from you.
When you communicated with him on the phone, he was able to sense your increased anxiety and anger, by the tone of your voice and the words you chose (“He definitely could tell I was getting frustrated on the phone.. couldn’t hide it in my tone”), and he reacted by ending the phone call (“he ended it by saying I’ll let you go back to work now”).
The title of your thread is: “Guy acting weird after s** or just me?”- I think that it started with it being just you. If you want to, you are welcome to share here about your attachment issues.
anitaJanuary 25, 2021 at 2:28 pm #373508
I want to edit my previous post to you, to add that a therapist, to not be a fraud, does need to have a better mental health than his/ her clients and to be committed to further personal healing, so that the therapist can teach guide the client from his/ her own personal experience of real-life healing. A therapist does not have to be healed/ to be perfectly healthy (no such thing, I believe), but to be in the process of healing and committed to the process.
anitaJanuary 25, 2021 at 1:41 pm #373506
I will be able to read your recent post and reply at a later time, could be as late as 16 hours from now.
anitaJanuary 25, 2021 at 12:42 pm #373504
Addictive behaviors are about regulating emotions when overwhelmed= self-destructive emotion regulation efforts.
“The fact that I struggle so much makes me feel like a fraud… How am I supposed to be helping people if I’m like this?”- if all therapists had to be emotionally healthy before they were able to help their clients, there would be way fewer therapists out there, and way fewer people helped. See to it that you do-no-harm and help others best you can: it makes a big difference for the people who without you- would receive no help at all.
anitaJanuary 25, 2021 at 12:21 pm #373501
You are welcome. You wrote about the relationship with M: “she supported me. She took away the pain.. I know I became emotionally dependent on her… We vented our frustrations. It was a two way thing. But looking back I know it wasn’t healthy. But it built trust between us and gave us some common ground”-
– a relationship that is a two way thing, built on trust and common ground with a woman who supports you and takes a way your pain, with whom you can vent your frustration (what you stated above) is a healthy relationship.
Yet, you refer to the relationship as unhealthy. It is my impression that you think that having been emotionally dependent on her meant that the relationship was unhealthy. But emotional dependence on one’s intimate partner is an intrinsic, natural part of a healthy relationship.
You wrote about M earlier: “she was depending on me for her happiness… I was naïve enough to start something with somebody more broken than I am”- seems to me that you view emotional dependence in the context of an intimate relationship as brokenness.
Brokenness happens when a person you are emotionally dependent on betrays you and breaks your heart, but if you are fortunate enough to be emotionally dependent on a woman you can and should trust- your quality of life greatly improves.
anitaJanuary 25, 2021 at 11:54 am #373500
Because you asked him if a friendship with him is “something that over time might develop”, and he answered that “it would never be more than friends”, better you accept his answer as true.
There is a concept in psychotherapy called radical acceptance, it means accepting reality for what it is, not hoping or trying to change it. With radical acceptance there is way less suffering around the reality that we once resisted. Here is an online definition of the term: “Radical acceptance is about accepting life on life’s terms and not resisting what you cannot or choose not to change. Radical acceptance is about saying yes to life, just as it is” (Psychology today. com).
Maybe this concept/ skill, once you thoroughly absorb it and practice it in regard to this man will make a friendship with him possible, and free you to pursue a romantic relationships with a different man. What do you think?