Forum Replies Created
August 15, 2022 at 8:22 pm #405541
I am sorry that you and your partner are going through pain caused by caste and religion prejudice and persecution. Unfortunately, the two possibilities that I see in your situation are: (1) she lets go of her father, her brother and any other family member who disapproves of you, having no contact with any of them, and clinging to you as her family, (2) she lets go of you and accepts her family’s domination.
anitaAugust 15, 2022 at 6:33 pm #405532
edited: Can you tell me about your boyfriend of 3 years (or 4 years according to your previous thread): is he still “into a lot of legal trouble“? And how was the relationship with him during the 3 or 4 years before the almost-cheating-event, aka ache (the ache happening during and the night after the wedding that you attended recently)?
anitaAugust 15, 2022 at 5:59 pm #405527
Can you tell me about your boyfriend of 3 years (or 4 years according to your previous thread) and how was the relationship with him during the 3 or 4 years before the wedding?
anitaAugust 15, 2022 at 2:52 pm #405462
You are welcome. What kind of mistake was it?
anitaAugust 15, 2022 at 2:13 pm #405459
It’s good to get a reply from you so soon after submitting a post for you. It feels like and hearing from an old (younger !) friend. I was thinking about how involved of a mother you are, based on all the day-to-day things you tell me about your kids. It was unintentional… was it, Ella’s hair? Keep calm regardless and please rest this afternoon, and do something that is fun!
anitaAugust 15, 2022 at 1:56 pm #405454
“Do you think it’s possible to love someone so much and still be capable of hurting them?“- did someone you loved hurt you badly, anonymous?
anitaAugust 15, 2022 at 1:27 pm #405453
How are you? The day before we last talked, you mentioned “serious body image issues” and we never really talked about it. Maybe it will help if we do. Do you want to talk about it sometime?
anitaAugust 15, 2022 at 1:20 pm #405452
You are welcome. Good to read back from you. You returned to your thread just like you said you will. I like it when a person does what he says he’ll do.
“My mother was absent and my father was strict. His family abused me… I’ve isolated myself from the world…It feels like I’m a separate entity“-
-A baby, a toddler, a young child cannot separate himself from his parents/ caretakers. In the young child’s mind, the two (caretaker + child) are one entity. When the parent-part of the entity threatens the child-part of the entity, the child-part exits the entity, and the child becomes divorced from himself, exiled.
“I suffered greatly and when I became independent I continued to suffer because the pain has burrowed so deep into my soul“- the pain is that of one living separately from oneself, a living-yet-not-living condition that no material good or accomplishment can fix (“I have everything a man needs and wants… there are accomplishments that I want to achieve“), and no vice can alleviate it for long.
You describe the experience of living in this state of separation as “a great deal of suffering… continuing of pain and loneliness… so lost and alone“- when you don’t have you, you suffer alone and lonely.
“Every interaction that I’ve exchanged with anyone is ingenuine or just doesn’t feel authentic“- the Greek prefix “auto” in the word authentic means “self”. When your interactions don’t have yourself in them in them, they can’t possibly feel genuine.
“I decided that I am going to find a therapist“- it wouldn’t be easy and it will be painful, but can you imagine how exciting it would be to reunite with … you?!!
anitaAugust 15, 2022 at 12:09 pm #405448
Adding to my post above: on April 3, 2021, you wrote, “I need friendships that are nurturing and supportive and not draining, pressurizing or demanding“- attempting a friendship with a man who is not able to be honest with himself, a man who is therefore confused and confusing, will not be nurturing or supportive to you, and it will be draining.
anitaAugust 15, 2022 at 12:02 pm #405447
Good to read from you again, last been on April 2021. You shared today that you met a man for coffee a few weeks ago. A few hours after coffee, he messaged you, asking to take you out for dinner at your “earliest convenience“. You declined, telling him that you are not interested in being more than friends. His response: he “understood and looked forward to catching up again soon“. A week or so later, he asked to meet you for coffee. You told him that you can’t make it at that time because you were attending to your father whose mental health was suffering.
Next, he suggested to meet your father, your mother, your two teenage boys and yourself (6 people) so that your father will feel more comfortable to talk about his mental health issues (“it might help my dad to talk if there’s another bloke there who’s a friend of his daughter“). You thanked him and said you’ll keep his offer in mind. About a week later (this morning), he messaged you what he messaged you.
“I’ve not a clue how to take this… Any insight, suggestions or advice would be most welcome“-
-my best understanding as to what this all means is that this man is interested in you sexually and romantically, but (like so many people) his mental health is suffering, and therefore he is not able to go about what he wants in a way that makes sense (a way that is more likely to get him what he wants). It takes a person’s ability to be honest with himself to either be able to be honest with another person, or to be able to lie effectively. I am guessing that he is not able to be honest with himself and the results: you are confused about what he wants and what he is about.
His sexual and romantic interest in you was made clear when he displayed eagerness to have dinner with you and when he referred to you as “a beautiful, sexy… lady“. His lack of honesty is evident here: “To be totally honest, I am not looking for a romantic relationship or even a sexual one“. Maybe a part of him is not looking for such, but the eager part is very much interested.
“I hope you don’t think I was being pushy and using your dad as an excuse to see you“- the eager part of him was pushy and used your father’s mental health issues as an excuse to insert himself into the three generations of your family (your 2 parents, yourself, and your two kids).
“I truly was trying to help… my offer of help with your father was sincere“- this could be a lie (meaning that he knew it was not true but said it anyway), or it could be that part of him was only trying to help and that this helpful part was speaking at the time.
Clearly, his idea of the meeting was not well-thought of: a man suffering from mental health issues is more likely to open up in the company of one trusted individual and not in the company of 5 individuals, one of whom is a stranger who is not a medical professional of any kind. Maybe he came up with it impulsively and blurted it out.
anitaAugust 15, 2022 at 10:29 am #405442
Good to read from you again. I am fine, thank you. This summer has been mild here (North- West US) compared to last, so I am grateful for it. I worry mostly about climate change, so I’m taking life one day at a time. I am glad to read that you are excited about seeing Ankor Wat, the largest religious monument in the world, an enormous Buddhist temple complex located in northern Cambodia.
Also good to read that your dating life is stable. You met him in January 2022 through a dating app, became officially exclusive two months in (March), both global nomads. He is currently in the EU, and the two of you are in a long-distance relationship with plans for him to travel and spend more time together with you. The communication between the two of you has amazingly consistent, you shared (which helps a lot when it comes to anxious attachment!)
You talked about the LDR stage of the relationship before it took place, preparing for it, practicing excellent communication skills, including being assertive with each other: “I think it’s just the matter of how each of you set expectations and show your partner what you want. Showing your standard and your boundaries is not a turn-off, it is really powerful. And him, how open he is to discussing what comfortable or not for him”.
“I’m happy we’re gonna meet again, and we gonna spend time together, but at the same time I’m a bit anxious… Like is he gonna bailed last minutes and cancel? Will like me as much again when we meet?..“-
-You were anxious before “the talk” with him about exclusivity back in March this year. You shared about it April 21: “I had to muster up my courage for a while… I shifted my perspective, it was clear to see that I have to approach it as in it will be a lot of positive experience that we both can share together…. makes him feel I have a lot of value to give“.
I hope that your own words help you once again and enjoy your trip. Post again whenever you feel like it, and I will be glad to read and reply!
anitaAugust 15, 2022 at 9:17 am #405440
Congratulations for losing lots of weight and for doing enough physio to not feel pain when you throw things in the air! But please keep following the physio-therapist instructions and recommendations.
You are expecting a heavy bag stand (a steel tubing constructed for a punching bag). This is an alternative to the suspended-in-the-air punchbag. What are the advantages over the suspended?
“Last couple days I feel super hyper, like everything is moving in fast motion…. my goal is to be out in the streets talking to girls like I should be. Life is short so make friends, talk to girls, get in shape, get happy and treat people with respect“- I like the treating people with respect part. Regarding the rest: please slow down. Your chances of success improve by a whole lot if you exercise moderation over extremes.
anitaAugust 15, 2022 at 8:45 am #405439
I will answer your recent posts in my old way (quoting you and commenting), but with my new attitude since Aug 12, the new attitude is that I feel affection (a liking) for you as a person. When one likes another person, one is less likely to judge and jump to conclusions, and more likely to listen with an open mind, looking at different angles, not just one, understanding better.
“<b>I’m trying to accept the conditions of my life… my short appearance and looks… I’m trying to accept this body even though I don’t like it (like a harsh reality)… I didn’t cause my dad’s family to be that messy which results in… me having no cousins… And it’s not even my fault. The same goes with my height and appearance. I didn’t ask for it. But then I was born in this world, and have to live in it. So terrible, I hate it. I have no choice but to live and try to be happy with these given circumstances. I’ll always have this deep hatred towards this world, always</b>”-
-I think that I understand: you hate that you were born into this family, having this body, and never having had any CHOICE in these matters. How can it possibly be fair to be STUCK in what you NEVER CHOSE!?! (I feel angry typing this!).
You’ve been so lonely in your family and you’ve been suffering so much emotional pain because of the appearance of your body, and yet, you had no CHOICE on the matter. It really is unfair!
“At the gym there are lots of people (even if the people who went to the gym every day are the same ones mostly), and people there talk to each other while working out. I love seeing people in my surroundings talk to each other even if I don’t talk. It creates a happy atmosphere in me… Do u think this might be because I felt too lonely at my house?“- yes, I do. Seeing the same people and Hearing the same people talk in the gym, same voices, same stories… feels like Family. The gym is a substitute family for you. I have no doubt that your real family is and has been very unaffectionate: nothing much that is pleasant is happening: neither between you parents, nor between your parents and you.
The GAP between the lonely family that you have, and the affectionate, interactive family that you needed for so long (and never had) is HUGE. And… there is nothing you can do about it: you can’t change your family history (what happened) and you can’t change your parents’ personalities.
“My job right now is only helping my parents… All I do in my free time is only watching movies or tv shows” – you are lonely when you are with your parents, working, and you are lonely when you are not working.
“I prefer going to the gym because I didn’t have to think much while working out“- When a person is lonely, no one to talk to, a person ends up talking a lot … to himself: talking quietly, aka thinking.
If you had interesting and/ or affectionate interactions with people, you’d get to hear yourself talk out loud to other people- that will you feel alive- a very different from the lifeless experience of thinking and thinking… and thinking aka overthinking.
“Sometimes I also feel less lonely when I’m talking here, like I feel there are people who appreciate my existence, and I’m thankful for that“- you are welcome. And I am thankful now that you are here, part of this online family. Although online, the person typing these words (I) and the person reading these words (you) are real people who are engaged in a real, honest communication.
“Do u think I need to make myself more interesting?“- personally, I think that you are interesting enough just as you are. Your thoughts are interesting, your feelings are interesting, your life story is interesting.
I didn’t respond to everything you posted recently, but this here is enough for one post.
anitaAugust 14, 2022 at 8:07 pm #405428
I am back home. Yes, you are right: it is not fair. None of the circumstances of your birth and childhood are your fault: you chose none of those circumstances, just as I did not choose the circumstances into which I was born into. None of it is your fault. Which means that you are NOT GUITY. You are quite an innocent, good young man.
I will write more Mon morning (in about 9 hours from now).
anitaAugust 12, 2022 at 10:25 pm #405409
I will be back to your thread/ the computer in two days (in about 60 hours from now (see my post of an hour ago). Maybe sooner. I hope that you have a calm weekend!