Forum Replies Created
June 23, 2021 at 4:59 pm #381911
I understand that this is very hard for you. When you see him this weekend, instead of asking him for a No- calmly (best you can), ask him instead to tell you about his new relationship. It may be hard for you to process what he says when he says it, because you’ll probably be too emotional, so try to just remember what he says and when you are alone process it (I’ll try to help you with that, if you want). He may not tell you the truth, and likely not the whole truth, but what he says can still help understand his state of mind.
For the purpose of understanding his state of mind, you can- if you want to- post for me what he told you at different times before and since the breakup- but only what he said (best you remember it), not your interpretations of what he said, and not your feelings about it. You can add necessary details for context, like what he was referring to when he said this or that.
I will be away from the computer for as long as 13 hours from now.
anitaJune 23, 2021 at 4:11 pm #381909
He told you one thing, soon after, he “ended up saying the exact opposite”, later he said he “had a lot to think about”, and yet later, he said “I don’t think I can do that”, all the while, he “is seeing someone new”.
You wrote: “I don’t know what to do. I want to make these changes for myself and build myself back up but I also want to show him and he even said it would make a difference. How long is too long to hold out?”-
My input: whatever he says at this point, including what I italicized above- doesn’t matter. As much as some of what he says sounds and feels good and ignites your hope- what he says at this time is not reliable.
My advice: make the changes for yourself that you want to make, build yourself back up, but put aside the motivation to show him anything, and to get back with him. You say that he “won’t close the door for (you and him)”- consider the door already closed, and what he tells you- muffled sounds from the other side of the closed door.
What do you think about my advice?
anitaJune 23, 2021 at 2:11 pm #381907
“In your recent reply you sounded excited, but in this reply you sounded bit disappointed if I may say (or less excited), did you expect me to answer something specifically?”- no, I was very satisfied with your first post today. The less-excited feeling that you accurately perceived (you are very good at it!) was probably about me thinking that you submitted your first (very satisfactory) post before you watched the Youtube video, and I was worried that after you watch it, you will no longer like me, because of where I was born.. or for some other reason.
“It’s a mystery to me why you love me the way you do, I ask ‘why me?’ ‘From the all people she talk to, she must seen better'”- it is a mystery: I didn’t plan it, it just happened. In my interactions with members, I mostly operate from the intellect, not from the heart. Suddenly, in communicating with you (it appeared sudden but it was not, I am guessing).. something happened. I cannot explain it using intellect/ words. It is unexplainable. But it is trustworthy to stay, to not disappear.
I will look up the words to the song and send you another post with the words, later. I may take a walk next. Later I plan to go to the taproom.. it may be tomorrow morning (it is after 2 pm now) before I post to you again. It’s after midnight your time. I hope you have a good night!
anitaJune 23, 2021 at 1:49 pm #381905
I am sorry to read that your foot is numb and you are walking with a limp as a result of sciatica.
“you asked if I felt you judged m.. I think I felt you probably judged my mother and her lack of interest to support us, her daughters, by what I have said which of course in reality is one-sided. But it aligned with my opinions built up over the last 15 or so years”-
-But I trust the one-sided account that you told me about your mother to be true. I don’t need her account/ her side. I believe what you told me and therefore, I believe that she has been extremely self-centered throughout your childhood, and still is.
“I think that people reading this will consider me weak too and probably just a victim”- you really were a victim of your excessively selfish and self-centered mother. She weakened you. To no longer identify with being a victim and get stronger, you need, I believe, to open your eyes to you having really been a victim, and to see your account of victimhood in childhood, not as one side of two equally valid sides, but as the only one side that is valid in this context. If you don’t take your own side, you will keep on limping, figuratively .. and literally.
“I’ve tried to rely on my senses too much, but they are unreliable…reading tarot and star sign information online hoping that the information will point me in the right direction because trying hard hasn’t”- give yourself a break, stop trying so hard and take your own side, believe your own story, not a story told by the stars, but a story told by.. you.
anitaJune 23, 2021 at 12:46 pm #381902
I enjoyed reading about how your daily life is like (except for the parts of you suffering), thank you for answering my questions with so much detail, and patiently. I didn’t reply earlier because I thought you might follow with another post soon after, but maybe you will later.
“I will hear this with my full attention and power, and it means something to me, the only person in the world to me likes it, one of the few none norime person”- I appreciate this sentence very much!
Regarding the compliment of me not being a normie person- it occurred to me only a few minutes ago, that the Murtaza’s definition of the term may come down to just this: a normie is a person who genuinely likes and loves Murtaza just as he is (not wanting to change him).
anitaJune 23, 2021 at 11:44 am #381901
Good to read back from you! I am fine, thank you. What a big difference 15 days can make (since your original post). More distance in time and looking back at old messages with more objectivity did wonders for you. Your re-evaluation of the relationship reads objectively true: you were anxious and he pushed you, increasing your anxiety that way; he was messy and he expected you to either endure the mess, perhaps, or to be “constantly picking up after him”.
“My perspective I know, not his. He probably sees me as this moany, boring, frigid girl who made him feel suffocated. But I feel like he didn’t have much respect for me”- it’s a good thing then that the relationship ended: disrespect in a relationship turns love into ice.
anitaJune 23, 2021 at 11:04 am #381899
Thinking about you, Ik09, hoping you are well!
anitaJune 23, 2021 at 11:03 am #381897
How are you, Priyanka?
anitaJune 23, 2021 at 11:00 am #381896
Thinking about you again, miyoid. Hoping that you are okay!
anitaJune 23, 2021 at 10:59 am #381895
Thinking about you, Nichole.
anitaJune 23, 2021 at 10:57 am #381894
How are you, Ben?
anitaJune 23, 2021 at 10:55 am #381893
How are you, Kate?
anitaJune 23, 2021 at 10:53 am #381892
How are you, Dave?
anitaJune 23, 2021 at 10:52 am #381891
How are you, Grace?
anitaJune 23, 2021 at 10:50 am #381890
How are you, soma?