Forum Replies Created
February 15, 2019 at 1:59 pm #280381
You are welcome. I wish I was more helpful to you.
anitaFebruary 15, 2019 at 1:57 pm #280379
You wrote two weeks ago: “I live with my mother and 2 sisters and that’s all”.
So your father doesn’t live with you, correct?
anitaFebruary 15, 2019 at 1:48 pm #280365
What can I say to that? I hope you find a way to not send anything to him anymore, not intentionally and not by mistake. Remove him from your list of contacts, do what it takes to respect what he asked of you.
anitaFebruary 15, 2019 at 1:36 pm #280361
Last thing he told you was to leave him alone.
In that case, leave him alone. Don’t send him the message you planned on sending him or the short edited one I suggested. Don’t send him any message, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. Don’t call him, don’t contact him in any way, don’t contact him indirectly or directly. Really, leave him alone.
Will you do that, respect what he asked from you?
anitaFebruary 15, 2019 at 11:53 am #280347
Dear Janus, Earth Angel:
You are welcome. It makes a big, positive difference when a teacher/ professor explains the subject matter clearly, it really is necessary for the purpose of teaching, to explain the basics and buildup from there, repeating the basics every so often before building more information on top of those basics.
You wrote: “By asserting myself this way with my friends, I have felt less stressed and feel like I have more time to dedicate to things.. catching up with some of my school work“- remember the benefits you already experienced after asserting yourself and continue to assert yourself with your friends and with everyone else!
I hope you keep talking to members of the GBTQ club, being a part of the club, so to find comfort regarding your gender dysphoria.
May this three day weekend be a time for you to catch up further on school work and find time to relax and recharge before the four day school week to follow the weekend.
anitaFebruary 15, 2019 at 11:39 am #280345
If your aim is to apologize, I suggest removing a lot from your message and sending the following:
I am sorry for the hurt and drama I’ve caused you. I am sorry I lied to you: I did make that account Thursday night so to look up your account. I should have told you about it when you asked. I lied in a moment of stupidity and I regret it.
– That’s all. I suggest removing a lot from your message because in the message itself you bring to him more drama after apologizing for the drama you already brought into his life!
anitaFebruary 15, 2019 at 11:17 am #280343
It is possible in 2019 no less that it was possible in 1019. Humanity was not less corrupt then than it is now. It was more corrupt. For example it was legal then for parents, as far as I know, to kill their children simply because they were inconvenienced, or for whatever reason, no requirement to explain.
Look and you will find a pocket of sanity in the world, a refuge, a place of kindness and respect. If you keep looking for it where it is not, of course you will not find it. Look elsewhere, where you didn’t look yet. We don’t have to keep our focus on the family we were born to, we are not owned by our parents or siblings, or by anyone. No need to keep your focus on this one man in Florida. There are other men you didn’t meet yet.
anitaFebruary 15, 2019 at 9:23 am #280337
I re-read all your posts slowly and patiently. I didn’t re-read my own or others’ posts. With the exception of you being so hard on yourself in your most recent post (and previous indication or two that you are taking more responsibility than you own regarding his choices), you read like perhaps the most reasonable, sensible, insightful and a fair, open minded thinker that I came across in a long time.
I suppose you didn’t need anyone else’s analysis of what happened, you already analyzed enough and see all the possibilities about what motivated him. You also realize that neither you nor anyone else can tell what is going on in his mind and heart, definitely not in the last 2.5 months since you last spoke to him.
My input today (and I have no idea if you will be reading this): what is clear to me is that you waiting for him is unhealthy for you. I think that the longer you wait for him, as you do now, the worse it is for you.
it is most important that you contact him as soon as possible and ask him to attend a counseling session with you, not for the purpose of getting back together, but for the purpose of you understanding what happened and what is happening. I think he owes you that. You need the information from him because what you do understand currently is simply not enough, not adequate. With information from him, in the regulated situation in a quality counseling session or sessions, you can figure out what to do next.
anitaFebruary 15, 2019 at 8:32 am #280321
Yes, you can paste it here.
anitaFebruary 15, 2019 at 8:24 am #280315
“family is all I’ve ever known”. And you experienced lots and lots of pain knowing your family, being involved.
Do you want to know something different, do you want a different kind of family, not the one you were born into, but one that you can choose?
anitaFebruary 15, 2019 at 8:13 am #280311
I understand better now. I agree with you: “it takes two hands to clap” and she doesn’t want to participate. Better let it go, otherwise there will be more awkwardness. And indeed, it is better to not get involved intimately with co workers. If I was you, I would give up on her completely, no reservations. Act with her toward her as no more than a co worker.
anitaFebruary 15, 2019 at 7:59 am #280305
I think that when two people live together, in a relationship, and one gives the other the silent treatments, repeatedly and unapologetically, and when there are no children in the relationship, the silent treatment is in itself a valid ground for divorce.
“I am about to break their daughter’s heart”- I think it is your heart that has been breaking for a long time. Her heart is angry more than it is hurt, vengeful. I suppose this is why you are “scared of what she will do”?
anitaFebruary 15, 2019 at 7:48 am #280301
There is a lot of sadness in realizing the waste of time and youth. But once you feel that sadness throughout, the sadness doesn’t feel overwhelming anymore.
Notice I suggested to you in my post yesterday: “Pay attention to where you are, the people you are with, stay in the here-and-now”. I did not suggest “Trying to enjoy the here and now”. The difference is that if you are with people who harm you, better not try to enjoy their company. Better pay attention and learn from the here-and-now so to make better choices in the future.
I imagine you enjoyed the Valentine dinner in the restaurant, correct? And you overate maybe because you wanted to enjoy more, so you ate more. But later you vomited that dinner. The joy of eating doesn’t make up for the misery of engaging in relationships that hurt us.
Do you think it is a good idea to make this visit to AZ the last one, for you?
anitaFebruary 15, 2019 at 7:23 am #280297
You are welcome and thank you for your kind words, I appreciate them very much.
She repeatedly told you that she wants to be with you forever, and you wrote, “She told my family and I repeatedly that she wanted to marry me”. After she broke up with you, you concluded: “So she was either lying to herself or to me”. I don’t think she lied to herself or to you. I think she probably meant it, that she did want to be with you forever and she did want to marry you.
Let’s distinguish between an emotion and a promise, the two are different. A promise to be with a person forever requires more than emotion. It can be done even without emotion. A person may make a promise under the influence of emotion, without thinking into the future.
She told you and your family what she said while she was in junior high school and in high school. Most often, a girl this age is too young to make thoughtful lifetime decisions. She is more likely to feel and express than to think and analyze and look at five years ahead or ten years.
I think she expressed an emotion and you thought she was making a promise. What do you think?
anitaFebruary 15, 2019 at 6:35 am #280293
I read your two posts on the other thread as well as the one here.
“I lost myself trying to please everyone else and now I’m losing everyone as I attempt to find myself again” is indeed a very telling sentence.
This is my best understanding at this point: your mother had her own childhood experience, one that had war in it, maybe lack of food, experiences that you didn’t have, so she figured (as do so many, many parents) that because you grew up without war and without the absence of necessities such as food and shelter, that you had a good life.
Like you wrote: “she’s unable to understand… She doesn’t quite get it”.
She sees trauma as war, whatever she experienced, she doesn’t see your experience as traumatic, or such that justifies causing you so much pain. Like you wrote, “maybe she doesn’t see my trauma as a good enough reason to actually be suffering this much”.
Believing that what you experience in life doesn’t justify your distress means she is lacking empathy for you as well as understanding of you and your situation. But this is not something new, you are just starting to see it now, but it has been so for a long, long time. For example, insisting that your biological father visits you even though you felt hurt and disappointed every time he was late or didn’t show up, she didn’t feel then that hurt or disappointment on your part is justified, so she didn’t feel empathy for the young girl that you were, waiting, hurt and disappointed.
If she felt empathy for the girl that you were waiting for your bio father as he was repeatedly late or didn’t show up, she would have ended his involvement in your life.
What often happens to a child growing up with no empathy or inadequate empathy is that the child becomes very empathetic. It is like a plant growing in poor quality soil, with little water and nourishment, so it grows longer and longer roots trying to reach water and nourishment.
Growing deeper and deeper roots is the “trying to please everyone else” part of your profound sentence, as well as you sharing early on that you are a giving person, giving and giving to others. You were trying to reach people’s empathy and understanding which you lacked at home.
I have more thoughts, but would like to take a break and ask you what you think so far about what I wrote?