Forum Replies Created
May 26, 2022 at 10:39 am #401215
Good.. afternoon (for you)! My week is going well, thank you.
“Amy’s parents… never went up to my daughter Ella and said hi… Apparently Amy told her she was upset with Ella b/c Ella did not speak to her parents. This is causing Ella ‘pain on the inside’ which I told her to speak to the counselor about… She is afraid to say anything because the counselor will tell her dad… I am very disturbed by this and I am wondering if we should have a one on one with myself, my ex, and the counselor” – (1) of course it’s always a good idea for co-parents to seek the help of a quality, professional counselor for the purpose of cooperating for the benefit of the children, (2) From what you shared about Amy so far, I do not like her, not at all because she is not a force for good, is she, as far as your children are concerned, what a shame! (3) I think that you should talk to Ella’s counselor and ask the counselor if indeed whatever Ella shares (excluding thoughts of self-harm and such, I imagine) is 100% confidential. If it is, ask the counselor to make it very clear to Ella that whatever she shares- with certain specified exceptions- is 100% confidential, and will not be shared with her father or with anyone else.
“I’m also dealing with a situation with Jason that occured yesterday… We have been dating a little over 5 months now. We do not have any (pictures) on facebook. Yesterday I thought about posting 1 picture on my page and asked him what he thought… He said yes that’s fine but just not to tag him (it would go on his page)… He stated that posting that on facebook is a big step…. He did not want friends to start asking him questions and causing stress and did not want to have to answer these questions. (he is somewhat of a private person? he has never posted pictures with any other women he has dated.)… I am disappointed and hurt… Basically I feel that he should not feel stress with adding a nice picture of us on facebook… At this point I do not feel emotionally supported” –
– 1) I understand that even though you’ve been in a relationship for a little over five months, he is not yet officially divorced, or he just got officially divorced, so… maybe it is too soon for him to post pictures with you on his Facebook (while for you, it’s been years since you were married, so it’s not too soon), 2) You say that he has never posted pictures with any other woman he’s dated (before his marriage)… not even of the woman he ended up marrying, at the time when she was his girlfriend?
anitaMay 26, 2022 at 10:29 am #401214
Don’t make your husband’s time more difficult than it already is: don’t add stress to him. You need him the least stress because he will be a better father, a better husband and a better provider if he is the least stress.
It is for your benefit and for the benefit of your daughter to minimize his stress, particularly in an area where he is not doing anything wrong: he is not abusing you or your daughter, he is not cheating on you with a romantic interest… he is just trying to be a good son, that is all.
anitaMay 26, 2022 at 9:36 am #401212
“My husband acts completely different when he is with his parents… He becomes more formal and doesn’t show his vulnerable side. When his parents are not there, we make fun of each other and we are like friends” – this means that his relationship with you is way, way better than his relationships with his parents. He feels safe with you, safe enough to expose his vulnerable side to you!
He doesn’t feel safe enough to expose his vulnerable side when he is around them. I assume that he feels hat they will disapprove of him if he acts spontaneously, having fun, etc.
“I spoke to him about this already before his parents arrived thats it’s hard for me to accept the way he changes after his parents come… it’s hard to accept the new him” – but it’s not his fault that his behavior changes when they visit: he feels unsafe and therefore guarded when they are present, and he can’t change that!
Please try to accept and feel empathy for the scared- guarded little boy inside the man you married.
“Yesterday he went slept beside his parents leaving me and my daughter behind. I felt anxious at night and couldnt sleep. Sometimes I feel like may be I am overreacting” – of course you are overreacting. But you can’t change your overreacting, at this point, can you? Not any more than your husband can cange feeling and acting guarded when his parents are present.
I assume that he went to sleep beside them to to appease or please them, thinkng it’s his duty.
“I think last month I told you about a friend who was gossiping about me… Now he wants to take his parents to their house… Now i am worried that so called friend would start again gossiping about me” – if this woman chooses to gossip about you to your parents-in-law while they visit her, it will indicate that she is a bad hostess for misusing this rare opportunity to visit with your parents-in-law. That is not what a good hostess should do!
If she gossips about you, it will indicate something negative about her, not about you!
anitaMay 26, 2022 at 9:06 am #401210
I am fine, than you for asking. How exciting to read from you again, being that your last post was a year and a month ago! I want to refresh my memory, so here goes a short walk on memory lane:
In March 2015 (two months before I joined tiny buddha), you shared in your first thread that you were 40 (now 47), that two weeks earlier, you ended an 18 year-long relationship with a man because he took you for granted, did nothing around the house and took his stress out on you. You shared that you were “so scared speaking to him. It was horrible but he wasn’t angry at all and was very good about it… it took me a long time to build up the courage to speak to him!… Friends couldn’t believe I’d finally done it. One even said I never would and I would put up with it forever“.
You moved in with your parents after the separation: “I feel lost and like I don’t belong anywhere… I’ve no idea what I’m going to do next!… it’s so strange living here after 16 years away. I feel like I’m 24 again!”
In your second thread, on September 2019, you shared that you’ve been with your new partner for 4 years (the relationship must have started a few months after the ending of the last). You shared about a friend you had for five years, that while you were with your ex, she used to tell you things like: “I don’t know what your problem is and you’ll never leave him!“, but after you left the ex and got involved with your new partner, she said things like: “well you don’t need your friends now“, and she withdrew from you, and one day, “she gave me what I’m pretty sure was a dirty look!“. You found her behavior confusing, hence the title of your trhead- Confusing People.
In regard to work, you mentioned back in September 2019 and in October 2020 that you were stressed at work because at that time of the year, being that you work in support of a univerisity for teaching, there is “always a rush to get things done for the new term and it always seems last minute“. You shared that 2020 was “worse as our management aren’t considering that we may be struggling too (what with the pandemic!) and our mental health doesn’t matter, just as long as we’re at work then that’s it!”
In October 2020, you shared that you’ve been with your partner for just over 5 years, that the two of you work together, that you were happy but both were stressed at work. You were still bothered about the former friend’s withdrawal: “I don’t know why I’m bothered really“, you wrote in Oct 2010, “she still bothers me, I wish I could put her behind me!“, you wrote in April 2021, and “it still bothers me a bit“, May 26, 2022, but the issue of the friend has taken a back seat because “Work stress has taken over everything for a while, we have someone who is very bad for the team with his behaviour but no one to tell it seems“.
Again, good to read back from you! If you want to talk about any of the above items, please do… I wonder if improving your assertive skills can make your work experience less stressful?
anitaMay 26, 2022 at 7:21 am #401203
I hope to read from you again, PuChop!
anitaMay 26, 2022 at 6:50 am #401202
You are welcome. Believe me when I say: people who feel inferior ever since they were children- none of the usual achievements (educational degrees, prestigious jobs, material success) make them feel any less inferior in the long run. That hurtful, painful feeling of inferiority runs deeper than any external achievement runs. When a person succeeds, he/ she feels good for a while, but any little failure, real or perceived, awakens that painful feeling of inferiority.
I want to praise you nonetheless for what you did in your recent post: 1) you were polite and gracious (“Dear anita, Thank you for the effort”), 2) you were honest (“But I feel like the praise I need is..“).
This combination is praiseworthy. In my experience with people, I often get ether 1 or 2, not both. I appreciate you for this!
anitaMay 26, 2022 at 6:32 am #401201
Thank you for asking. It happened following a series of interactions with someone of whom I was afraid. At a certain point, I thoroughly understood that it was the fear I had of my mother, as a child and onward, that I projected into that person. And I no longer felt fear of that person.
Later, when in the irl social setting I mentioned, I suppose what happened was that I was no longer afraid of… the adults in the room (I suppose I was generally projecting my mother into all adults): they no longer looked threatening. I suppose it was my perception of their power to hurt me that made me feel sill like a child, inferior and fearful of the adults in my life (no matter many being younger than me).
I was in that same irl social setting yesterday and felt uncomfortable when interacting with a particular woman who hasn’t been there for a while, one who was angry at me months ago and who expressed her anger at me, a woman I happen to like very much. I suppose that interacting with her yesterday was challenging because I still wanted her to like me, still invested in it. If later I manage to understand this experience of yesterday better, I will post about it again.
Overall, peeling off my mother from other people is a very good thing for me.
anitaMay 26, 2022 at 6:03 am #401200
I am sorry to read that you were sick with bronchitis and that your blood pressure was dangerously low as a result. And that the emergency department of the hospital you went to couldn’t admit you for 6 hours even though you were having breathing difficulties and chest pain!
It’s a good thing that your son drove 400 km to care for you. I wish you weren’t embarrassed and humiliated about him seeing the clutter in your home. Please do not expand much energy cleaning and decluttering because you have to rest and recover from the bronchitis and watch your blood pressure!
I will next read what you posted in my School Bullying thread and reply there.
anitaMay 25, 2022 at 7:26 pm #401187
Your in-laws are with you- I hope the visit goes smoother than you expected, one day, one evening at a time. Keep yourself as calm as possible and avoid unnecessary stressors. Post here anytime you need to express yourself and/ or to get my thoughts.
anitaMay 25, 2022 at 2:13 pm #401108
She was 15. I read online that a 15 year old small breed dog is equal to 76 human years, and a 15 year old large breed is equal to 93 human years. What was her name, did she ever have puppies, what breed was she?
anitaMay 25, 2022 at 12:35 pm #401106
I am sorry for your second pet loss of recent: your dog. Did it happen after your D.L test, or before?
anitaMay 25, 2022 at 12:29 pm #401105
I am glad to read that you understand more and more how your brain works!
“Right now i’m confused on what should I do to get people to praise me, it doesnt have to be a praise actually… but i want people to view me as someone who’s good at something” –
– you want to feel that you are a positively valuable human being, that you are equal to others in value… equal, not inferior.
I am praising you today, in this very post: praising you for being a fellow human being who is not inferior and not superior to me. Although we are different in many ways: age, gender, nationality, and much more, you and I are just the same in value.
How does this feel, to you?
anitaMay 25, 2022 at 10:57 am #401102
I just read something in regard to emotional bullying and I thought that it may apply to you. Healthy place/ emotional bullying: “Emotional bullying can also lead to a version of Stockholm Syndrome, where the victim over identifies with the emotional bully and even defends the bully’s behavior to others“.
Maybe you are bonded to her because she’s been bullying you for so long, not in spite of it.
anitaMay 25, 2022 at 10:26 am #401100
Your love for and loyalty to your sister mean that you are a loving sister. It does not mean that she is a loving sister. Like your aunt said, she is “trying to spoil your life“- that’s not what a loving sister does.
What do you plan to do, in regard to her… allow her to spoil your life because you grew up with her and because you love her?
anitaMay 25, 2022 at 9:40 am #401098
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. My goodness, zenith, your sister sounds… evil. Some people move from Sick to Evil… and sometimes, they never to return to Good. I think that to be evil is to be sick. What do you think on the issue of sickness and evil?