Forum Replies Created
April 24, 2019 at 9:57 am #290379
His girlfriend called you “a b*^* with a fatherless baby, bastard child”, and you responded with: “at least I’m not like (his mother) who cheated on her husband and got pregnant and did illegal abortion then die”-
– in the other thread you wrote that you told him that he is just like his father. I don’t understand why you blamed him for his parents’ choices- he is not responsible for his parents’ choices.
I would say that you burned the bridges with your child’s biological father. Some words we say cannot be unsaid.
For a child, to have a father in his life, is not automatically or necessarily a good thing. I don’t know what kind of father he would have been, if he was in your child’s life. It can be better for a child to not have a father at all than to have a father who comes-and-goes, disappears from the child’s life for long periods of times and so forth.
I know of women who insisted and tried very hard to keep the father in their child’s life and it would have been better- for the child- to not have that father in their lives at all.
Be a good mother to your child. If a child has one good parent, that is more than what millions of children have living with two parents!
anitaApril 24, 2019 at 9:29 am #290373
My biggest concern at this point is that you move to your own place and do well with the transition. I wouldn’t like this issue to be in your way of making this promising transition. Is there an alternative treatment option for you- a different clinic, a new place?
anitaApril 24, 2019 at 9:25 am #290371
You are welcome. You shared that you are 22. When you were 5 or 6, your mother betrayed your trust, just “that once” and “it was seemingly trivial. You figured, as a child, that the reason your mother betrayed you, didn’t support you when you needed her, was because you were “a bad person, not worthy of even my mother’s love and support”. As the bad person you believe or suspect you are, you criticize yourself a whole lot.
Will you tell me about that betrayal?
And in what ways, at 5 or 6 and onward, you “never let her do it again”?
anitaApril 24, 2019 at 8:58 am #290361
I re-read your posts this morning. Here are my thoughts:
The staff already knew about his attraction to you, it was quite visible and audible, “The staff found out we were friendly, and told him it’s inappropriate”, and later, “He was approached again by the staff who separated him from me during sessions”.
He may not at all be fired if the staff knew more of what happened. Reads to me that they have little expectations of professional conduct from a peer support worker, the lowest rank of staff. I suppose he is quite good at what he does, being very personable, pleasant, empathetic, and the higher rank staff members may think that it will be very difficult to find a replacement for him: someone with a personality as desirable as his and low education/ certification and corresponding low salary.
It may be a good idea for you to make an appointment with one of the higher level staff members, the highest, if possible, and talk to that person, in private. Tell that person what you shared here, just as you did. Let him or her know that you want to continue group therapy, and the volunteering at the café, that at this point you feel uncomfortable and you need help with this.
Tell that higher or highest staff member that you will soon be moving to your own place and you will need group therapy and the volunteering job (and whatever other help/ support is available for you) so to successfully adjust to living on your own!
What do you think?
April 24, 2019 at 8:32 am #290355
- This reply was modified 21 hours, 2 minutes ago by anita.
I re-read all your posts on the two threads again this morning, incorporating the information from your recent post into the bigger picture in my mind. I will separate the following with #s and include quotes from your shares in parentheses:
1. Anxiety in childhood and disassociation: you witnessed your father physically abusing your mother (he “took a lot of anger out on my mother physically… I had witnessed that a few times. Physically and verbally. Occasionally we’d hear the physical violence going on in their bedroom”). It was a scary experience that repeated itself during your early childhood, before you were 8, the time your parents divorced.
The disassociation is about tuning down the volume, as you heard the violence in your childhood home, you turned down the volume, so to speak.
Fast forward, in your five year relationship, you didn’t “hear” the noise, that is, the troubles in the relationship for the longest time, until your ex girlfriend left you that note, being loud enough for you to hear. In that relationship you didn’t “hear” the bickering loud enough, you didn’t hear her dissatisfaction (“when she left the note saying she was staying at her parents for 6 weeks, it blindsided me… we were absolutely best friends, we’d bicker but NEVER fought…. There were weeks we’d go without a romantic kiss, and sex slowed down dramatically to the point of stopping. She wanted it, but I had no interest”).
2. Anger- your early life promise to not be like your father, to never get as angry as him, led you to turn down the volume of your own anger to a point that you are hardly aware of it, and so, you are missing the emotion that lets us, humans, know when there is something wrong that needs to be addressed, this is how you missed your ex girlfriend’s dissatisfaction, not being aware of it until she left you, and it is the reason why you are too agreeable and not assertive (“at a young age-maybe about 10-after seeing my dad physically assaulting his new girlfriend, after me and my sister ran and hid, I promised my sister then that I’d never turn out like my dad, and never get as angry as him. I remember it very vividly.. to be anything like my father was dangerous… I’m very agreeable. And I’m not assertive at all”).
3. Aloneness- you were very much alone as a child, not starting grade 7 when you were taken out of public school, but before. When you heard the violence between your parents, there was no parent there Together with you, comforting you. When your father assaulted his new girlfriend, there was no parent Together with you, comforting you.
At home, living with your mother, she worked many hours, not available to be Together with you. And then, being taken out of public school, you were alone in other ways, no peers Together with you.
And so, on one hand you prefer being alone, you are used to it, it is easier, but on the other hand, you never outgrew the need to be Together, this need in you is intense (“I tend to be a homebody and sit at home a lot even during that weekends.. I’m extremely introverted, very shy, and don’t get out very much.. I DO have a tendency to fall hard and quick.. why after a single date am I having such intense and emotional feelings… What’s been putting me on the brink of crying these days is the thought that she’s gone. ‘She’, being someone that didn’t mean much to me to begin with… I still find that I grow unreasonably attached to women that show interest in me, at unreasonable paces”)
A thought about the kind of woman who will be right for you: it is very important that the woman in your life, who will be in your life, in a romantic relationship, will be honest and assertive, one who will tell you very clearly (loud enough, so to speak) what she feels and what she wants, and yet she needs to be not aggressive.
You are welcome to give me your feedback on what I suggested here, in this post.
anitaApril 23, 2019 at 6:30 pm #290311
I want to be more focused than I am now when I read your recent post, so I will read it and reply when I am back in about 12 hours. I did read just a bit, you wrote that she didn’t respond to you after you (emailed?) her that you would like to see her again. If you hear from her this evening (I don’t know if it is evening or night where you are), do post that, will you?
Back in about 12 hours. I hope you have a good night sleep!
anitaApril 23, 2019 at 6:24 pm #290309
I am doing ok, thank you for asking. I am so glad you have the keys and are getting the basics set up, how exciting indeed, moving in this very weekend. I hope to read from you once you are there, anytime you are in your own place and feeling nervous, you are welcome to post here. When I spot a post from you I will reply every time.
So this man is a peer support worker, “closer to the patient”, but too close in this case. I need to be away from the computer in a few moments. When I return, in about 12 hours from now I will re-read your posts on this thread and anything you may add by then, and reply when I return.
anitaApril 23, 2019 at 3:40 pm #290303
Good to read from you again!
I believe that at the end of last month you received the keys to your own place- did you move out of your parents home and are you living on your own now?
My second question is regarding this man- was he some sort of counselor or facilitator who was part of the therapy group in which you were a patient?
anitaApril 23, 2019 at 3:26 pm #290299
Have the two professionals work together, see to it that they come up with a plan to help you. Six days to the psychiatrist appt and a week to psychotherapy. Sometimes we need help, we all do. Do your best for the next week and post here anytime!
anitaApril 23, 2019 at 3:23 pm #290297
* didn’t reflect under TopicsApril 23, 2019 at 3:19 pm #290293
I think that a lot of your fatigue has to do with your years of ongoing high stress level. My suggestions:
1. Plan every day so to have relaxation and resting time within each day, maybe listen to a relaxing guided meditation every day, one before going to bed if that works for you, do a yoga routine every day (the chest opener is very refreshing), keep your blood sugar stable throughout the day by having maybe 5 smaller meals per day, take a brisk walk outside per day, listen to relaxing music.
2. Find a way to assert some power over your advisor, someone’s power. You wrote: “He was calling me at 03.00 waking me up and tell me to do sth and send a report to him in an hour for example…he is the department head and professors are scared of him“-
– maybe your advisor is scared of someone himself, someone who has a say about his position as an advisor, someone who holds the conduct-rules-for-advisors/professors?
Imagine that this advisor calls a student at 3 am and demands a sexual favor. Must the student comply, and if not (I sure hope the answer is no), who can the student turn to so that the advisor will be disciplined?
April 23, 2019 at 12:51 pm #290271
- This reply was modified 1 day, 14 hours ago by anita.
It may be time for a psych drug re-evaluation, get stabilized via a better medication regiment. And what about that psychotherapy?
Best would be if you saw a competent psychotherapist who after a few sessions will come up with an evaluation and who will work with a psychiatrist for your benefit. A competent, quality psychotherapist will let you know what his evaluation is, then give you his objectives for therapy and he or she will communicate with a psychiatrist and together work for your benefit.
(This is what was done in my case, 2011-2013)
anitaApril 23, 2019 at 12:42 pm #290267
Dear Cali Chica:
Regarding being abusive to others, In an earlier post, yesterday, you wrote: “do you believe that I am still loyal to my mother, the mother voice? And that many of my actions, annoyances, and attacks on my husband- .. has to do with this loyalty?”-
I remember your example of coming home from yoga and your husband suggested ordering food in because he thought you were tired and that will suit you, and you got annoyed with him for thinking about ordering food while there was health food in the frig that you prepared earlier- this is an example of an annoyance that led to a verbal attack of some sort, correct?
Maybe, I am thinking, it will help you to make a list of annoyances that you experience with your husband, many perhaps that you manage to not react to angrily, but some you do attack-
Maybe a list of annoyances with other people, what annoys you, what do you think?
April 23, 2019 at 12:32 pm #290263
- This reply was modified 1 day, 17 hours ago by anita.
No time requirements as far as I am concerned. You can post whenever you want and I will be glad to read from you whenever you post, and you are welcome.
anitaApril 23, 2019 at 8:50 am #290249
“I am trying to find a way to stop criticizing myself as I’ve been doing for pretty much my whole life… I find it nearly impossible to trust anyone”-
-who was it that betrayed your trust and is it the same person or persons who criticized you a whole lot?