Forum Replies Created
December 8, 2022 at 10:32 am #411516
Dear Lemon Tree:
“She (Bear) admitted to stealing… the manager told me that she is aware of what is happening and my suspicions were right… She (Bear) is allowed to work at the register… she (Bear) has got the keys and access to the safe. This is kind of confusing. Putting my feelings aside, if I were the manager I would fire her immediately… I do not know why she is still allowed to work here“- the only way for me to make sense of this senseless situation is that both Bear and the manager are stealing from this charity organization that you are working for.
anitaDecember 8, 2022 at 10:15 am #411512
How are you, LM? I hope to read more from you.
anitaDecember 8, 2022 at 10:10 am #411510
“I was always amazed: where did she got this ability, perfect ability to take every situation, every conversation and offend me in the most elaborate way, and no hesitation. There is no one more perfect than her, in the art of insulting“- as I read this, once again, I thought I was reading my own words and checked to see if this is a quote of my words…
“I could say: the hairdresser pulled my hair too much, and she would say ‘maybe he is not used to people with such thin hair’. And this is one of the nicest things she said to me, it was actually said during a ‘nice’ conversation“- my mother was also obsessed with thin hair, but not my thin hair but her own (very, very thin hair)… As far as my hair, I remember her insisting that she had to wash my hair into my teenage years, to my horror (I was very ashamed of her seeing me naked, but she insisted that I was not able to wash my own hair well, and that she had to do it). I remember when she scrubbed my head, it hurt a lot, her hands dug into my head so roughly that it hurt. And it felt strange at the time, as I was wondering: why is she scrubbing my head so hard…
“It is as if we had the same mother. (I think you mentioned this one time)“- and I’ll mention it again. It’s surreal.
“I intended to recall here what was my life exactly in 1995 (when you started taking it) but.. I do not remember. Except for the traumatic events I have very small amount of memories from my childhood. I could write them all in one – 4 page, I think. (on the other hand, the story of my mother – on that I could write a whole book!)“- It will take no more than a page to fill in with my memories of my childhood. Like you, in my mind, I hardly existed; in my mind, she loomed big and I was nowhere to be found. It was like she was Everything and Everywhere, I was Nothing and Nowhere.
“How well I know this. Fantasies accompanied me through my whole childhood and teenage years…. In my fantasies: I had a husband, and even a second guy fighting for my love. My husband was leaving and begged me to wait for him! He was American“- I lived in such fantasies, it was my life most of the time (when she was not talking to me, etc.). It looks like we had .. the same kinds of fantasies. I too had American men fighting for me. (How more alike can we be?…)
“Oh, how good it felt. I lived a whole different life in my mind“- I don’t know if these are your words of mine… I think that these are your words, right?
“My mother never threatened with suicide, but threatened with leaving. I cannot imagine saying threats of killing oneself to a child“- she threatened suicide quite often. At one point I hoped that she would do it already, but she didn’t.. she just kept threatening that she will.
“I am sending best wishes!“- thank you, and my best wishes to you!
anitaDecember 8, 2022 at 9:43 am #411509
How are you, Arie1276, anything new?
anitaDecember 8, 2022 at 9:40 am #411508
Dear Lemon Tree:
You are welcome. “She didn’t get fired“- I am not sure that I understand: she (Bear) admitted that she stole money from the cash register (“She later admitted that she was the one doing it“), the manager knows it, and yet she is allowed to keep working at the cash register?
“Other than that she is a lovely person“- Bear is a lovely person.. when she is not stealing from the cash register and when not blaming you/ someone else for being the one stealing?
anitaDecember 8, 2022 at 9:26 am #411507
You are welcome and I hope that the two of us will continue to make progress in the mindful strengthening of our individual prefrontal cortexes, while resolving the emotional conflicts, distress, confusion, impulsivity etc., that our individual limbic systems present to us. Does this make sense to you?
anitaDecember 8, 2022 at 9:11 am #411502
You shared that during your preteen years, you were a high achiever in school. During your teenage years, your parents put pressure on you to continue to be a high achiever, and because of that pressure, you felt very badly (I am paraphrasing) when you failed to achieve high grades etc.: blaming yourself, being disappointed with yourself, fearing your mother’s reactions (“really scared of her, like what she’d say? She’d be disappointed“), and you developed a pattern of behavior you avoid and run away from difficulties. You are currently in a good position work-wise, doing your job well, but you feel like an imposter: “part of me thinks I don’t deserve or I’m (not) capable enough“.
“I’ve started doing mindfulness meditation but what other actionable steps I can take to resolve this?“- first, a bit more understanding: “it’s like a pattern whenever there’s something that I’m not able to understand or something hard, I try to avoid or run away from that instead of facing it and learn. It costed me dearly for lot of years“-
– when you avoid or run way from difficulties, what you are trying to avoid and run away from is the emotional pain involved in feeling not-good-enough, incapable, disappointing. What motivates us as humans is not the objective, external circumstances but our subjective emotions in regard to the external circumstances. Therefore, a person who as a child was made to feel okay about making mistakes, and encouraged to explore, mistakes or not- would be positively motivated to tackle a difficult situation; yet a person who was made to feel very badly about making mistakes, would be motivated to run away from a difficult situation.
I boldfaced and italicized emotional pain because there is no way to resolve your imposter syndrome without facing and addressing this pain. For as long as this pain feels too acute, you will avoid it and run away from it.. and remain, in your mind, an imposter. So, first thing to do is to lower the intensity of this emotional pain. One way to do so is to verbally express it, in writing (journaling), sharing about it here, and best, of course, would be to share it within the context of quality, in-person psychotherapy. You are welcome to share it here, and I will respond to you in a way that will not hurt you (empathetically and not judgmentally).
anitaDecember 8, 2022 at 8:16 am #411499
I am fine, thank you and you are very welcome. Good to read that you are feeling much lighter! When you say that you were a vanishing twin, you mean that you had a vanishing twin, (Wikipedia: “A vanishing twin.. is a fetus in a multi-gestation pregnancy that dies in utero and is then partially or completely reabsorbed… Vanishing twins occur in up to one of every eight multi-fetus pregnancies”), right?
“So what I craved was a very deep connection to someone, I guess resembling what has been lost in utero… I knew I was a vanishing twin but never really dived deep into the psychological and Spiritual effects of it“- you felt that the soul of your vanishing twin was in the man who works at the supermarket, hence the “soul recognition” that you mentioned in your original post.
You wrote earlier: “I’m a one on one type of person, he (husband) does better in groups“- the thinking then is that in your mother’s uterus you had one twin, and therefore, it was a one-on-one situation and deep connection. When your twin vanished, you lost that one-on-one connection, which you’ve been craving ever since.
I think that growing up, you had superficial, group-type connections with the people in your family, and elsewhere, but you didn’t have a one-on-one deep connection with anyone, so you craved it as a child and since.
“something in me wanted to become Awake“, you wrote today – that something was.. the one-on-one connection that you had very early in your life, a connection that was lost to you.. too soon.
“Today 8/12/22 (Dec 8) is the last full moon of the year in Gemini, which is the twins, Symbolic for me”– Happy Full Moon Day! Post again if and whenever you would like, and may you and your family have a blessed season!
anitaDecember 7, 2022 at 5:53 pm #411483
Yes, Amy, confusing, plus paying bills requires some computer literacy, and I am quite illiterate when it comes to computers.
anitaDecember 7, 2022 at 5:17 pm #411481
My response to Amy Temple’s today’s inspirational post: “Your comfort zone is not a blessing. It’s a curse”: my comfort zone that is not a blessing and which could turn into a curse at any time is my AVOIDANCE of tasks of practical value that I am no longer in the habit of doing, particularly paper work, paying bills, knowing how to pay bills online… anything and everything that has to do with money.
anitaDecember 7, 2022 at 4:54 pm #411480
– I am sorry, I misread, I thought you wrote “MY comfort zone is not a blessing…
anitaDecember 7, 2022 at 4:52 pm #411479
Would you like to tell me about your comfort zone that’s a curse: there used to be comfort in it, but there is no more comfort there?
anitaDecember 7, 2022 at 2:39 pm #411477
You are welcome. “I don’t think I’ll go and see a professional in this near time“- I am sorry to read this. I wish you looked for, and found quality counseling, so that you suffer way less than you have suffered for so long!
“Even when u avoid answering my obsessions. And I thank you for that. Due to sometimes u avoid answering my obsessions, my mind felt that it ‘can’t be discussed with anyone’. so it stopped thinking and gets tired by itself“- you are welcome and I will continue then to avoid answering your obsessions.. because it works!
“I agree with you that I have obsessive thoughts, and sometimes it leads me to be mad at myself which could cause me to scream or hit the wall due to that anger“- this is what I mean by you suffering: suffering from obsessive thinking that leads you to get so frustrated!
“I’m surrounded by a quiet surroundings, but what can I do? I’ve been living in this type of surroundings all my life“- in the quietness of your home, the voices within your head, aka obsessions, are screaming at you… so much so, that sometimes you “scream or hit the wall” in anger.
“I have a very hard time trusting anyone, especially when they praise me“- you can trust me when I praise you!
“I can say that I improved from last year regarding this anxiety, maybe because I’m more mature“- I am praising you for improving and maturing!!
“Tbh every time I overthink, after a day it tends to get calmer, idk why, either because my head is getting tired or I’m already distracted with a new worries“- if you didn’t overthink, you’d be calmer every day.
“Sometimes she questions me in a friendly way, like why did I fall for her so fast, and she’s worried that sometimes boys tend to leave when they get bored already, and she doesn’t want to feel a heartbreak… she’s afraid of heartbreaks, while me myself are also afraid of it“- she is like you, she worries too. I hope that she doesn’t overthink as badly as you do.. but she worries.
* Notice how she shares her worries with you in a friendly way: do the same when you share your worries with her.
“My head is exhausted because every single day I did my best for her, to make her feel happy around me. But I’m exhausted because I keep pushing myself to have an idea to make her happy. So does this mean I really need to see a professional, instead of telling my stories here?“- you can tell your stories here, but you should also see a quality professional (not just any professional). You are trying too hard and too much, and that’s not good for you, or for her.
“Anita, I know that you suffered from OCD as well. I wanna recover with my obsession slowly by understanding more about myself“- why don’t you read about OCD (and about social anxiety disorder) from online sources, maybe it will help you..?
“How I wish this girl can understand my concerns and feelings as u do anita, as you’ve followed me throughout the years. But idk if she knows about all of these worries. Will she still love me?“- I think that she already knows quite a bit about you and your worries… and she loves you anyway, don’t you think?
* Reading your words right above made me feel very good, thank you!
anitaDecember 7, 2022 at 1:57 pm #411476
I saw bears quite a few times, one right outside the glass door, another on the driveway on the other side of the house, and a few bears crossing the paths on my 3.5 mile walk. I saw coyotes too, one confronted me twice while I was on my walk (that’s when I started carrying bear spray). I saw a mountain lion right by the house… on camera and other people warned me about mountain lions in the area, showing me photos they took. If I saw a mountain lion in-person, I don’t think I will ever be able to do my walks.. they are too big and scary looking.
“Because of what happened to me, my biggest goal has always been ‘to not be like my mother’“- mine too!
“With time it is changing to: I want to be a kind, good person, respectful, having my boundaries. I see it more and more clearly and I am happy I can see it“- same is true for me!
(It’s almost like we are… the same person, lol).
“Our conversations inspire me to be better person..“- you made my day!
Thank you for your kind words and for wishing me a good day, that is, a day with my usual routine! Have a good night and talk to you tomorrow!
anitaDecember 7, 2022 at 1:40 pm #411475
“I don’t know why replying to this particular post was hard for me. I almost cried when reading it“- I think that it’s your past love for your father that made you cry, a past love that is still there.
“I had a mixed feeling of happiness and grief. I said it before, this is the end of an era. Nothing is gonna (be) like before, and I am sad but hopeful at the same time. I loved my dad from early childhood, and he was the one who I believed loved me the most… he was a liar and a back stabber“- of the possible sources of love in your childhood, he was the best (or the least bad). When a person is thirsty enough, he/ she will drink water that is a bit muddy, if that’s the only water available. I think that the end of the era is about you preparing to quench your thirst with water that is not muddied by lies and back stabbing.
“I learned to love him despite (knowing) he was liar and back stabber“- you had no choice but to love him as a child because he was the closest to love that was available to you, and you had to have something in your life that- at least at times- looked like love, sounded like love, and felt like love.
“I learned to find my way and define myself as a separate being… I remember I was a happy kid when I was 7 to 11, I danced without any music all the time… I was so naive, joyful and blissfully ignorant and I wondered if I could return to that time, of course it’s not possible“- it’s not possible for you to go back in time. But it is possible for you to dance with or without music.
“I trust myself much more than before, and if that’s not a cause for celebration, I don’t know what is?“- trusting yourself is definitely a cause for celebration!!!
“We can be super cautious and scared of past experiences, but I believe that couldn’t help us. I was isolated and not really dealing with lots of people and I still got hurt“- if you no longer have mud in your water, you can drink it without caution and fear. Imagine that…?