Forum Replies Created
I am not sure I understand your question: you are afraid that praising her will cause what to happen?
And by “double check all angles?”- what do you mean?
I will soon be away from the computer and be back in about 12 hours from now.
“I often imagine a world where there is no judgment, no slander, no hatred and no war. As an individual who seeks such a world to become a reality, the only way I can play a part in making it come to pass is to let Love guide my every decision, actions and words. Before I speak, act or make a decision, I first let LOVE lead the way so I don’t get triggered or influenced by what my mere eyes can see” – thank you for yet more wise words put together in such a delightful way!
I copied your words for my own record, Good to read that the beautiful mother of your second child is your fiancée, how delightful to see your newest photo and read your dedication to Love. You and your fiancée are inspiring!
I wanted to let you know that I noticed your absence, being that you posted daily for a while. There is no requirement, of course, that you post daily or at all. It’s just that I wanted to let you know that you are missed and that I hope you don’t give up on what it takes to… “be normal”, using your word.
You are welcome to post again here, or to start a new thread, so that maybe other members will reply and be better able to help you. I wish you well and goodbye!
I don’t know if you read my post yesterday, right below your reply to me. Again, you are very welcome.
* I didn’t understand what you meant by: “he hit her like others and convince that little child that it’s not him”.
You shared that your parents are Asian, that your father hit his daughters “for our studies“, but you recently found out that he hit your sisters so that they won’t tell your mother about him sexually abusing them (“to not told my mother about this issue“). Because they were hit, “they remained silent as they were all just children“, they didn’t tell your mother or each other about the abuse. Each one of your sisters thought that she was the only one who was sexually abused by him.
The screaming and swearing started when five years ago, your mother found out that he was cheating on her with other women. He blamed your mother for his cheating, saying “that she’s the one didn’t take care of him or give attention, that’s why I do that“.
When your mother found out about your father’s sexual abuse of his own daughters (aka incest), she prevented him from living with all of you, threatening to tell his mother and relatives about it. He moved out but showed up at your home “with police and claim the motorcycle and car. One mistake we did, buy all property under his name“.
My thoughts today: (1) Again, I am so sorry for yours and your sisters’ betrayal and suffering. I hope that each one of you heals and recovers as much as is possible! (2) If there is such a thing as legal help to families such as yours, in the country where you live, I hope that you receive such help: producing a legal restraining order against him, so that he will be arrested if he tries to contact any of his victims, and protecting yourselves financially, so that he doesn’t take more possessions away from you. Maybe getting the car and/ or motorcycle back from him,
(3) I wonder if in your country, there is a governmental or other agency that helps adult survivors of incest. Even though the following is a U.S. Department of Health and Human Services website: www. child welfare. gov/ organizations (no spaces), some of the “Organizations for Adult Survivors of Abuse” may be of help to you.
(4) Finding out that your father did what he did has been traumatic for you, and understandably so. You can read some, if you haven’t yet, about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), about symptoms and treatments. One website you may want to read from is www. psychology today. com/ us/ blog/ somatic psychology/ trauma- incest (no spaces). You are welcome to let me know your thoughts in regard to what you read.
Otherwise, please post again anytime, and I will reply to you every time you post.
- This reply was modified 12 hours, 37 minutes ago by anita.
“It seemed you were suggesting I wasn’t sharing enough with my response. If that’s not the case, then maybe I misinterpreted what you wrote” – I do think that you are not sharing enough here on your thread because I think that it will help you to share more.
But notice: I am not judging you for not sharing more; I don’t think negatively of you for not sharing more. I figure that like so many people (including myself), you were judged many times before, and you are afraid to be judged again. Is my understanding accurate?
anitaJanuary 24, 2022 at 10:47 am in reply to: Stuck in limbo, fear or loneliness, fear of hurting her #391810
You are welcome. I like how you quoted each item of suggestion and advice and responded to each, and I liked reading all of your responses.
“So maybe it just takes me a little longer than other people to open up completely and share what I am thinking/feeling, without fear of judgement” – if your current girlfriend is indeed very understanding and empathetic of you, maybe you can share with her (if you haven’t so far), that you would like to share with her more of what you are thinking and feeling, but you are afraid of judgment, such that you received early in life. You can give her an example or two of judgments you are afraid of and hear how she responds.
“I have worked a lot of expressing myself how I want to be heard, not how the voice in my head sometimes tells me I’m feeling… I try to carefully think about what I am going to say before I say it, if that makes sense” – express yourself authentically and in a contained way, so that you are true to yourself.
“Although you are aware of my inner thoughts and my somewhat anxious attachment style, I am confident that I don’t come across too needy or anxious to my new love interest,”- coming to think about it, you don’t sound (or reads like, more accurately) too needy or anxious to me. I read from members who do sound this way, but you don’t, not to me.
“I should be a bit kinder to myself” – I vote for you being a lot kinder to yourself!
“These words of affirmation from myself seem so important, rather than being judgmental and critical of my emotional side which feels a deep longing for those I care about” – your emotional side that feels a deep longing is your natural, loving part, one that too many people hide so successfully that they no longer feel it and they become cold and cruel. Coldness and cruelty deserve judgment and criticism, not your wonderful longing for love!
Your new woman is not only very pretty with a beautiful smile, but more importantly: she is the most understanding woman you ever met- this is wonderful to read!
Also, she is very independent and internally motivated, gracious and humble, saying that “every situation needs to be handled with care and put LOVE first to solve problems“, and as a result, you are a stronger man: “I feel that it has made me strong“.
Your woman inspires me, and I want to be more like her: to handle every situation with care and to put love first when attempting to solve problems. Thank you, Gregory, for sharing about her!
“Our culture today is obsessively focused on unrealistically positive expectations. Be happier, Be healthier, Be the best, better than the rest. Be smarter, faster, richer, Sexier, more popular, more productive, more envied, and more attractive, more admired. Be perfect and amazing” – these are your wise words. Your woman is fortunate to have you (and you are fortunate to have her)!
You are welcome and thank you for your wise words, for your kindness and grace! Come back here to your thread any time you wish.
Being exposed to Covid did not cause me any symptoms really, so no need to be so sad…
“I want to start a new thread because then I get the insights of others as well” – I didn’t think about the benefit of communicating with others on a new thread. If you start a new thread, I will not reply to you there. You and I can keep communicating on this thread, and hopefully others will feel more comfortable replying to you on a new thread. It’s been pretty slow on the forums though.
“If I am successful in this, touch wood, I will be moving out of my house” – this is good to read and quite exciting!!!
“My therapist… literally warned me, saying that I have to let go of the guilt because I am doing nothing wrong. Have done nothing wrong. She said if I do not let go of the guilt, I’m setting myself up for serious depression in the future” – I like your therapist!
“My boyfriend is amazing, and I’m really grateful for him being in my life. Yes, I do need to communicate better. We just had a fight an hour ago. Tell me, do past relationships have an impact on the current one?” – good to read that he is amazing and understanding! As to your question: I found out long ago that romantic relationships are less affected by prior romantic relationships than by a person’s childhood relationships with one’s parents. In other words, your relationship with your mother has a lot of power, unfortunately, over your romantic relationships.
I will be glad to help you to communicate better with your boyfriend, if I can, and avoid future fights (Don’t fight!!!)
“I do tend to put a lot of pressure on myself… I also tend to get very overwhelmed, which spikes my anxiety. So, I set very small goals for myself each day, instead of looking at the big picture” – one moment at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time: one task at a time, everything in small portions of time and work, thought and feeling.
I like how you responded to each part of my numbered advice items. About snow, you’ve never seen snow. I bet you’ll enjoy it the first time you see it, touch it, maybe throw snowballs at your boyfriend (playfully, that is, not as part of a real fight!)
“Tapping into something other than myself that fills me with vitality, purpose, and motivation… there’s too much humility present in whatever it is… I feel I’m at the edge of some kind of spiritual growth that I’m afraid of, if I can only let go and trust then I believe I can have a great loving effect on the world. I’m afraid of being powerful” –
– about power and humility: I am very humble in regard to my personal power. I used to desire and daydream about having great personal power/ having a great effect on the world. I desired it so intensely because I felt so very powerless and in a great need to be valued by others. That desire brought me great misery.
Tommy, a member on the forums, wrote the following yesterday (you can find him on the first page of lists of topics): “If one is open to love, then is one seeking love? If one is open to love, then will one find love?… I find love to be real. Whereas hate or anger is not real. When hate or anger comes up, it comes at first as urges and then it gets supporting thoughts to bolster its stay in the mind and body. Love just is. There is no need of thoughts to support its stay in the mind. Is love desires or wants? Personally, I do not believe true love is”.
Developing this quote further: love just is. I can feel it now, as I am typing. It feels peaceful. I can rest in it even though I am experiencing big personal challenges at this time. But I can rest in Love this very morning. I am resting in Love that is not a feeling of desiring and wanting, nor is it a behavior of seeking and finding. Feeling it, resting in it does not make me powerful, it does not stimulate me into great action. All it does is giving me a place to rest from anxiety and worry. It places me in the mindset of saying and doing today what promotes love in others’ lives, and to avoid saying and doing what does not.
“My call is to learn each day how to get back in relationship with this part…So that I can manifest that love in the world” – manifest that love in the world by resting in it first, and rest in it again and again. This is the place to start your day, and to restart every moment in it. Remember, love does not seek (ex., a girlfriend), it does not desire (personal power, other people’s esteem, etc.). It just is.
I happen to be watching a Dave Chappelle stand-up comedy show, and I noticed that you just posted. I think that in what you just posted, is the way forward, the only way forward: “My call is to learn each day how to get back in relationship with this part of myself? Part of the universe? God?… erasing fears and living in faith is my call. I live out of curiosity to see what great things can happen if I’m not afraid” – this is it, noname: getting in touch with what is greater than us.
I will be back to you Mon morning. What is greater than us is understanding that on one hand, we don’t have any power, on the other hand, we have so much power. Both are excruciatingly true.
You are most welcome. It’s late in the evening where I am at, so I will be back to you Mon morning, in about 10 hours from now. I understand that you prefer to not share more than you are comfortable sharing, I want you to be comfortable here, I want this to be a safe place for you, no pressure, no demands, no aggression of any kind.
I will be back to your thread in the morning.
I feel silly asking you about the identity of your personal call of the wild, being that you’ve been depressed for so long, looking- not for the call of the wild– but for a way of “Being better at accepting depression” (the title of your thread). Plus, when you followed some calls-of-the-wild, it led you to great frustration and shame. Right?
I feel that this topic is tricky, but I still want to develop it with you(?)
It just occurred to me that you wrote earlier today: “I’m usually guarded around new people. I’m trying to keep my thinking out of fight/flight mode“, and that means that you are guarded around me too, in this online context. I think that you are afraid that if you share more, I will have more material to judge you for, so you don’t share much. Less sharing=> Less judgment. Is this the case?
If it is, we can work around it, make sure that you will not be judged here, not by me!
- This reply was modified 1 day, 6 hours ago by anita.
Your new baby’s face reminds me of Christopher Agoth Gregory Chan’s face. They are both beautiful children.
You are welcome and thank you for returning here to talk with me! Thank you for wishing me blessings, and I wish you, your children and your new wife to be blessed in this new year and forward!
- This reply was modified 1 day, 10 hours ago by anita.