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anita

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 33,351 total)
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  • in reply to: abusive people are hurt people… #386411
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    What if you sell your apartment and move out of the country you are in, move somewhere that will be friendly and welcoming to you?

    I want, for my colleagues to say something about this treatment. It’s not right. I want my boss to realise her double standards“- I don’t think that it’s realistic to expect your colleagues to stand up for you, and for your boss to realise she was wrong- because it didn’t happen so far, so..  why that would it happen in the future…

    I have complained to my parents that I cant keep going on they are anxious that I don’t quit more than anything else. So then I feel guilty and just keep going….I want to make a really big sale… sot hat I can show them that I’m good at what I do“- imagine no longer caring what your parents think you should do… and not caring  what your colleagues and manager think about your ability to do a good job…

    What if it doesn’t matter what they think, and all that matters is what’s right for you?

    anita

    in reply to: Insecure about my height #386409
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shoob:

    The height of your grace and kindness is.. impressive, and in comparison (since you are inclined to compare): what is the value of emotional kindness in comparison to the value of physical height?

    What is the value of a warm smile, in real life, a smile that says to the other person: I like you, thank you for being in my life!.. in comparison to how tall one is..?

    If you have to compare, compare values that matter a lot, not physical features we are born with, features that don’t matter much.

    You are very welcome, Shoob, and thank you for your appreciation and kindness. If you need help with breaking the comparison-habit and other mental habits, let me know. Maybe I will be able to help you.

    anita

     

    in reply to: abusive people are hurt people… #386407
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sossi:

    Disrespected again at work, working so hard and under so much stress that you suffer from chronic pain, feeling trapped in a black hole, “tired and beaten”…

    How do I get out of this black hole? I cant work this hard for ever because i know it would kill me“- find a way to quit this job as soon as possible. Your distress there has been going on for too long, and it is costing you your health. Please find a way!

    I don’t know what to do…I need someone to recognize that what happened was wrong! I feel everyone looks the other way“- who specifically do you want to recognize and what exactly do you want them to recognize?

    anita

     

    in reply to: Am I codependent? I feel awful #386405
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Happy Friday to you too and I hope you have fun on your well-deserved night out with friends!

    Rachel sounds like an excellent pick to handle what you need handled. Have patience and the result will be an easier life for you and for your kids!

    My manager stated yesterday she was seeing a few mistakes on a certain area of my work… I think my work is really good considering the long list of things our department is struggling with-mostly low staff.  I could keep going on with complaints. Am I being defensive?“- I don’t think so: I understand your frustration. But maybe, as a manager, she figures that it’s her JOB to criticize the employees under her management, that otherwise.. she wouldn’t be doing her job! Her people skills are probably not as good as Rachel’s, not even close.. right?

    Lindsey

    in reply to: bad timing or patterns? #386402
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    I was thinking about you today. On the previous page of your thread,, you wrote that the man you met in May this year asked you to marry him. You wrote about him: He is a great guy …he is the person with whom I’m having a healthy relationship, who listens to me ,care for me, doesn’t react when something doesn’t goes according to plan ,respects me and respects my space and boundary”-

    – What is happening with him these days.. are you anywhere close to marrying him?

    anita

    in reply to: Letting go of injustice #386401
    anita
    Participant

    I hope you are well, DC, thinking about you!

    anita

    in reply to: Am I codependent? I feel awful #386400
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    It’s Friday, the day after your appointment with the attorney. I hope it went well???!!!

    anita

    in reply to: Overwhelmed, Exhausted, and Anxious #386399
    anita
    Participant

    Dear annonymous03:

    An afterthought- the title of your current thread, Sept 2021, is: “Overwhelmed, Exhausted, and Anxious“. You didn’t mention in this thread a very significant cause for your anxiety and exhaustion, if it’s still ongoing, being that you are currently still living with your mother. Here are my quotes of your words in your April 2020 thread, in regard to your mother:

    “I always got yelled at. As a child.. As I grew older, the yelling continued ..she’d come home and scream at me for something as silly as my bag being on the couch. After she’d scream, her mood would drastically flip onto a positive one”, “I always got the full force of her anger… she screams a lot…She scolds for the same thing again and again… She comments on my body, how I am too skinny, how my hair is too thin… She’d also give me the cold treatment: not looking at me, not answering me, behaving like I don’t even exist, if she would look at me, it would only be to look at me with absolute hatred”.

    If this is still ongoing, how can you possibly not be Overwhelmed, Exhausted, and Anxious?

    anita

    in reply to: Insecure about my height #386398
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shoob:

    I’ve heard of studies of shorter men having more dating struggles, work struggles and just a general sense of unattractiveness“-

    – For such studies to be scientifically accurate and reliable, there needs to be .. let’s say 100 men of different heights (some short, others tall) who otherwise are pretty equal. For example, if of the 100 men, 20 are short and overweight, then maybe their struggles at work etc., are caused by being overweight, more than being short. Another example: if of the 100 men there are 40 tall men who suffer from significant anxiety since early age, nothing to do with their heights.. that too needs to be taken into account: what if their struggles at work etc., has more to do with their pre-existing anxiety than with their heights?

    In other words, for the studies to be accurate, there need to be 100 men  of different heights (some short, others tall), but otherwise they need to have the same BMI, the same amount of anxiety, the same physical fitness, etc.,.. not to mention that nature of their individual workplaces need to be considered in regard to their work struggles (maybe an individual’s work struggles is a result of  a terrible workplace?)

    There are many, many themes to people feeling inferior to others: race, ethnicity, color of skin within the same racial group, height, weight, any one of the hundreds of facial and body features, a person’s tendency to blush.. or sweat too much.. a person’s education or lack of, a person’s financial status, a person’s marital status, a person’s job.. living on a mountain or in the city, and on and on and on.

    Has anyone else felt this sort of negative self-loathing about their height or any other physical characteristics which are beyond our control?… It is eating me alive“- more people than not feel dissatisfaction with their physical bodies. You are in the company of many millions of people. In regard to your self-loathing, it’s a step up from dissatisfaction, isn’t it.

    Your dissatisfaction has risen to the level of an obsession that negatively affects your daily life: “I believe it’s my first true obsession.. I don’t know how to get rid of it or stop believing it“- you are now in the habit of comparing yourself to others etc., it is a mental habit, and like other habits, habits can be changed. It is not easy though.. to stop the brain from going again and again to where it habitually goes.

    there were times when I experienced racism as a young child from other children and really started to hate being Asian. I really wanted to fit in the Western society I was in and I longed to be white though I have overcome that now and am proud to be Asian“- I am proud of you for being proud being Asian!

    Have you ever experienced some similar things anita about aspects of yourself you couldn’t change that you didnt’ like?“- yes, one of them was my height. I felt that I was too tall when I was a teenager and young adult (5’5”/ 168 cm) because most boys/ men were the same height as me, some were shorter, and so, I felt unattractive for being too tall. I was in the habit of standing in such a way that I appeared shorter, and of course, I wore flat shoes.

    We can continue to communicate if you’d like.

    anita

    in reply to: Insecure about my height #386383
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shoob:

    I would like to return to your thread and answer at length when I am more focused. It could be as long as in 14 hours from now.

    anita

    in reply to: Insecure about my height #386381
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shoob:

    You are welcome.

    I just feel less.. deserving of respect and love.. like I am lesser“- if you went back in time, as far back as you can.. to the time before you went to school (before working hard at “fixing/ improving.. studies, sports.. h0bbies”)- what was it that made you feel less-than, and undeserving of respect and love?

    anita

    in reply to: should I stick around? #386379
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Teckin. Post again anytime you want to.

    anita

    in reply to: should I stick around? #386376
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Teckin:

    You are very welcome. I understand that you miss his texts, but notice: you miss what you  hoped was in his texts: a hidden desire on his part to be in an exclusive, committed relationship with you. If you believe his words and accept that he really does not want to have with you what you were hoping to have with him… then the attraction to him and missing him will be gone.

    anita

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Finch:

    I have always been fearful of ‘losing control’ of myself…  mindfulness of myself and my thoughts has been the one successful route to calm my impulses and feel at peace with the world… to resort to self-abandonment through intoxication of any form to me represents this fundamental and deep self-destructive behavior“-

    – reads to me that you are afraid to lose control of yourself, and therefore, you are afraid of alcohol and other mood altering drugs that bring about loss of self-control. Practicing Mindfulness is the opposite of losing self-control, and it works for you!

    At times, however, I feel a certain guilt in this absolute abstention from intoxication, as if I am creating this opinion on anxiety alone rather than true mindfulness and acceptance of my continued sobriety… How should I perceive these feelings, and how should I decide which feelings come from a place of guilt, and which feelings come from a place of self-knowledge?

    – reads to me that your anxiety has a lot to do with the extent of your anti-alcohol/ drugs feelings. But.. what’s wrong with anxiety alone being the reason behind your abstinence from mood altering drugs? Whatever increases your anxiety, when it’s not necessary for your survival and.. even socialization- you should avoid, is what I think.

    The guilt feelings is about being the only one, the odd one in the group of friends and boyfriend, and for having negative feelings toward your friends and boyfriend because of their use of alcohol, in any amount, in any setting- isn’t it?

    There are such communities as Alcoholics Anonymous that socialize plenty without a single drink.. or drugs. There is an article: “Navigating social situations as a non drinker” by AARP. org, Jan 2020, “How to make friends without alcohol, very well mind. com, Sept 2020, “How to have fun and socialize sober”, by Ed Latimore. com, and more.

    anita

    in reply to: should I stick around? #386373
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Teckin:

    Sometimes the vibe he gives tells me he wanted more“- don’t look for vibes.. listen to his words and watch his actions. When he tells you that he does not want an exclusive, committed relationship with you- believe him.

    when I mentioned that he was closed off, he changed and tried to open up with me“- he told you that he does not want you as his real-girlfriend (to have an exclusive, committed relationship with you). I believe him and therefore, his motivation to open up with you is about wanting you to be his hook-up girlfriend.

    I don’t understand him fully“- we don’t understand people fully, that’s why we ask questions and get answers. He told you repeatedly, in so many words, that he is not interested in you as a real girlfriend.. why do you not believe him?

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 33,351 total)