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anita

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  • in reply to: Depressed after leaving toxic relationship #403208
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ed:

    What you wrote above, middle paragraph is powerful. I want to re-read our communication so far and get back to you, but I was wondering (on my walk yesterday) about the list that last ex made, about all the things she hated about you, what was on her list??? I place three question marks because having communicated with you this far, I can’t think of a single thing that would be on such a list. Of course, it’s perfectly fine with me if you don’t answer this, as it may cause you pain to do so. But if you felt comfortable enough sharing about it, maybe it will help us both understanding something that is not understood now.

    Will be back in an hour or so.

    anita

    in reply to: I need to let go of the need to be the most beautiful #403194
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Brianna:

    You are welcome. I hope you find the time to read on the topic of sexual objectification of women, a source of a lot of emotional pain for lots and lots of women!

    anita

    in reply to: Depressed after leaving toxic relationship #403190
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ed:

    A few thoughts that occurred to me during my walk, from which I just returned: you did nothing wrong by asking me about my childhood. You asked me graciously, with outmost respect and you expressed empathy for me all along. You weren’t able to predict that it would get difficult for me to answer at one point, neither was I able to predict when it would happen. When I mentioned that you and I are imperfect, I mean that we are unable to do what is humanly impossible: to read minds and predict the future. I often say that healing and learning are synonymous:  to heal we must learn, and you helped me learn.

    I feel sad at the thought that you might not return to your thread and that I may not talk with you again, in which case I want to say: thank you and my best wishes to you. If you return.. well, maybe you can help me learn more, and maybe I can help you learn-heal, if only just a bit.

    anita

    in reply to: I just randomly and suddenly fell out of love #403186
    anita
    Participant

    Dear kaia:

    “He  starts therapy soon” – good thing, he needs quality therapy and I hope he gets it! From what you shared I see nothing to indicate that he is a bad guy, a dishonest guy or anything like that. He reads like a good guy, and that a combination of his anxiety about flying (“He said he… has always been anxious about flying”), the many cancellation and 12 hours at the airport on the way to you, getting covid, being quarantined in your home, you testing positive… all that caused his anxiety to sky rocket, and understandably so!

    I suggest that you don’t engage in heavy duty conversations with him at this time, that you do your best to be gentle and empathetic with him, and that you give his therapy time to work. What do you think of my suggestions?

    anita

    in reply to: Depressed after leaving toxic relationship #403183
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ed:

    You didn’t hurt me, not at all. You taught me today to not talk to members about their childhoods, and to not ask them about their childhoods as much as I did all these years in the forums, ever since 2015. I need to do less f that, from now on. So, thank you for teaching me this!

    “I don’t really know how to respectfully proceed from this” – this is not a tragedy, no harm done. Procced as if we are both allowed to be imperfect (we don’t have the option of being perfect, so…)

    anita

    in reply to: Depressed after leaving toxic relationship #403181
    anita
    Participant

    P.S., a break from questions about my childhood, not a break from you..

     

    in reply to: Depressed after leaving toxic relationship #403180
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ed:

    Thank you. I need the break.

    anita

    in reply to: What was your “dark night of the soul like”? #403179
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Reader:

    Paraphrasing what I quoted above, and shifting to the first person: the process of setting myself free from ego is about letting go of Fear, and letting in Life, love and joy. It is a shift of motivation: from protecting myself (and in so doing, closing in on myself and keeping Life out)  ===> to experiencing Life (opening myself to life, letting Life in).

    Ego is what my brain does when I am afraid: it overthinks, and in so doing, keeping me occupied while existing, while my experience of Life muted, muffled, minimized. Soul is what the brain does when it allows itself to experience Life,  unmuted, unmuffled: it sees and hears and smells and senses all that’s there to sense.

    anita

     

    in reply to: Depressed after leaving toxic relationship #403174
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ed:

    You are welcome. “For me personally, I felt like the word ‘objectifying’ always had a strong emphasis on the idea of dehumanizing a person” – yes, it makes sense to me, objectifying=dehumanizing. To dehumanize (my definition): to treat a person with no compassion, with no care for the person’s hurt and pain; no care for causing it, for adding to it, and/ or witnessing it happening and not intervening.

    From the perspective of the abuser… I think that by isolating aspects of the personality of a victim they try to control which parts they are presented with, or in short, its a process of conditioning the victim“-

    -conditioning (online): “the process of training..  a person or animal to behave in a certain way… a form of learning in which… a given stimulus (or signal) becomes increasingly effective in evoking a response”- conditioning then applies an intent to condition, on the part of the abuser, and a purposeful, persistent execution of a plan to condition.

    I read from people who assign their abusers with an intent, a plan, and an execution of a plan to abuse. When you look at a story of abuse from a distance above grounds, away from the story in time and place, you can see retroactively elements of a plan, but on the grounds, most often- the abuser acts on impulse/ the heat of passion.

    Going by what you wrote about your mother maliciously (re)inventing your existence.. I feel like that was also an attempt of forcing a conditioning on you to change who you are to someone who would please her” – there was no planned conditioning on her part, no execution of a plan to reinvent me: that’s why she failed at creating “someone who would please her”. If she had a plan to reinvent me and if she executed such a plan.. she would have succeeded, at least while I was a child, because I was highly motivated to please her: I would have done anything and been anyone!

    I just see similarities to my life: my father screaming at me for hours for not being ‘good enough’, my mother supporting this by not intervening and making me feel like he was right, my first ex-girlfriend physically and verbally abusing me when I didn’t do things she wanted me to do and my second ex hating me for not being able to save her” – all these people were abusive to you. As I understand it at this point, your father abused you impulsively, in the heat of passion, projecting his anger at himself/ at his real-life abusers => into you.

    My mother too screamed at me for hours, it was a miserable experience. She didn’t stop going on and on and on until she got physically tired.

    I have been suffering from diagnosed dissociations and depersonalisation for years as part of the ptsd complex of symptoms“, “I am interested if you are as well, if you are okay with sharing about that” – I am okay sharing about it with you, but as you know, it’s difficult to do so (that’s why I procrastinated replying to you this morning). Personally, in real-life, I never met or noticed anyone being anywhere close to how very dissociated and very depersonalised I felt and acted so very often, for so many years, except for a few actively-psychotic people I came across. It is surprising that I physically survived, ex., I remember.. finding myself in the middle of a busy street with a truck just passing me by very closely, not remembering how I got there. Currently, I am less dissociated/ disconnected… more and more associated/ connected.

    you shared a lot about the process of trauma-related fragmentation or ‘breaking’ of one’s personality following trauma… Do you feel like piecing yourself together while still generally trying to grow as a person will have an end?..  Or do you see it more as a life-long obligation to yourself, no matter if you are ever ‘finished’?” – I mentioned to you that I go on walks, and I do, every day. I live outside the city limits in an elevated area, a forest. So, on my walk I see lots and lots of trees. Whenever you see an injured tree, you can see that it doesn’t stop growing, it finds a way. It grows in a different direction than it would have grown if it wasn’t injured, but it grows. I see old growth trees, dead stumps of trees, but at the top, new trees grow. Life finds a way.

    Becoming more and more associated (less and less dissociated) will not have an end point in my life for as long as I am alive, there is no finish line other than physical death. There will never be a finished product. I will never  be… as good as new, I will never be anything like I would have been if I grew up in way better circumstances. I hope I answered your questions.

    In the next few posts, just in the next few, don’t ask me more questions: talk about yourself, if you will. Will you?

    anita

    in reply to: Any tips in how to solve communication problems? #403161
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eric:

    I really want to be able to lead my own life (June 24)…I think it’s too risky to wait” – a leader in one own’s life does not wait for another person, at least, not for long. A leader doesn’t stand behind anyone, waiting for the person in front to make the first move. A leader is in the front, making first moves.

    I can’t really improve much in terms of career as I’m helping my parents whereas she’ll aim on climbing the ladder in the corporate” – because you think a lot (overthink), everything is fast-forwarded in your mind: you can think about 10 years in five minutes. But ten years don’t really happen in five minutes… except in a person’s brain, in that distance between the two ears. And so, in real life, you and her would be talking about your goals and plans for weeks.. and about your feelings for each other, and over the course of months, things would become clearer and clearer and you’d take it from there.

    “Because I also imagine a scenario where I can’t find girls I’m suitable with for the next 4-5 years and maybe I’d try my luck in chasing her again” – I wrote the above paragraph before I read this sentence, and interestingly, I was on the right track of thinking: you imagined 4-5 years in.. 4-5 minutes(?)

    Do u think this is a pointless way of thinking?“-

    – I think that it’s pointless to think so much because what you need is to live life, not to think life.

    It sounds like I still hope for her is it?” – yes.

    I’ll still try to date other girls, I just feel like there’s no negative impact if I try to make my life better than her…. right?“-

    – it seems like you figure that you have to do all the thinking before you do any of the living.. as if life was about perfecting an academic a-z essay, covering all scenarios, all possibilities before you apply the perfect essay into real action, real life.

    At that time I’ll be 27-28 years old, it’s not considered old right?” – I keep reading your post as I often read members’ posts: I read one part, reply and then read the next part, etc. Do you see in this part you fast forwarded about six years within seconds of thinking? You are trying to get all the answers for your academic essay of life.. before you start living.

    “I feel like 30 years old is a deadline” – you fast forwarded 2-3 years more than in the pervious sentence, all in a few seconds… a minute perhaps.

    “Yes, I really need to find a way for me to interact and meet with young women…. But there isn’t much activity in my city here, only badminton and golf… and I’m not good at both of it, also I tend to give up easily if I find things hard. Maybe I should just force myself to do those activities, as there is no other choice? The only thing I’m doing right now is going to the gym, and I’m not good at it…. My body hasn’t improved at all too…. But at least going to the gym fills my schedule which causes me to overthink less” –

    – what I boldfaced right above is the reason why I say that you are in the process of leading your own life: you understand that life is about finding a way to interact and meet young women, to do activities, to go to the gymto overthink less.

    And most impressively, even though your body didn’t yet show improvement, you still attend the gym: this is real action, real initiative, real leadership!

    I understand that there are only a few activities where you are living, and that you are working in your parents’ business (and not in the corporate world), etc., but guess what: all the overthinking does nothing to change this reality. So, yes: do badminton or golf… whatever activity is available to you in the location where you live!

    anita

     

    in reply to: Breaking Up With my Best Friend of 10 Years #403148
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Leah:

    You are welcome. Before I address your recent post: yesterday, I re-read my last reply to you, which included this quote from you: “I tend to believe that it is possible.. (to) learn to better communicate with each other in a way that doesn’t trigger or touches the exposed nerves of the other person”, and I wanted to comment on it-

    There are people with nerves that are so exposed that it is impossible for a person interacting with them (and especially for a person living with them), to not touch those exposed nerves: any word, any facial expression, misinterpreted, can touch and trigger those exposed nerves. One can perfect one’s practice of walking on eggshells, and yet trigger those exposed nerves. For the purpose of having a healthy relationship, it is very important for the person with the exposed nerves to practice self-control and to not react every time she/ he feels exposed and triggered.

    I’m going to talk to my ex boyfriend tomorrow, and I plan on telling him some of my realizations about myself. I hope he can see that I intend to learn and grow from this experience” – how about starting the conversation with (1) asking him how he feels, (2)  listening to him: not defensively, but truly listening to him as if he was a friend, and nothing but a friend, (3) asking him a question or two, based on what he said: it can help him understand himself better and feel understood by you.

    An exchange like this is likely to be more effective than you reporting to him about your realizations about yourself, at this point, at least.

    I have to accept that for right now I can’t give him what he needs” – I am guessing that what he needs right now is to feel understood and accepted by you (as a person, not as a boyfriend), and so, if you ask him a few questions about himself, and listen to him empathetically… this may be just what he needs.

    and I’m not sure he can give me what I need” – It is important that you are clear with what it is exactly that you need (from him and otherwise) at this point. Are you clear about it?

    I hope the conversation with him goes well.

    anita

     

    in reply to: how to trust again #403146
    anita
    Participant

    Dear elli:

    You are welcome. “I am full of negative thoughts that maybe something is happening behind my back… Why she reacts like this when she sees me? Like she wants to become a friend of mine? It’s not weird? I never showed her that I wanted to be friends with her. On her side she tries it a lot” –

    – you are thinking that maybe she’s been so nice to you because she is trying to cover up the fact that she is having some kind of a relationship with your fiancé behind your back, that she is feeling guilty about it, and/ or she is trying to deceive you. This is one possibility, but there are other possibilities: 1) She is a friendly person with lots of people and you are one of the people with whom she is friendly, 2) You, as a fiancée, you feel weird about seeing your fiancé’s ex-girlfriend, and maybe your weird feeling shows on your face. She  feels weird about seeing you, and maybe she notices a  discomfort in your face, so she reacts by acting excessively friendly to you.

    We can try to figure this out further, if you want: 1) Do you know Who initiated their breakup and Why? 2) Do you know if she’s been dating for the purpose of getting married since their breakup? 3) How did the idea of marriage come about between you and your fiancé, Why is he interested in getting married in general, and Why is he interested in marrying you specifically?

    Another question I had in mind (and take your time with this long and thorough post and all these questions): if during your relationship with your boyfriend-turned-fiancé, he’s been talking to her on the phone and meeting her in-person behind your back, just him and her … why would he need to repeatedly and daily check her Facebook page? It seems to me- and I don’t have a Facebook account myself- that repeatedly checking her Facebook page suggests a lack of contact otherwise (on the phone and in-person)?

    From what I observed about other people’s use of Facebook, it easily becomes a habit, which I suggested to you earlier as a likely explanation to why he’s been frequently checking her Facebook page (before blocking her).

    And now, about Trust: on June 24, 2022 (your original post here), you wrote: “I am now facing trusting issues with my fiancé… I am not feeling safe to trust him, although now he is showing me his love, having future plans with me”.

    Back in February 5, 2019, you wrote on another thread: “I am full of fears, I fear to meet a new guy, to have family, kids etc…  I cannot even imagine a guy with me, I afraid to trust anymore“. Feb 27, 2019: “Yes I am afraid, a lot..  (my) narcissist mother… was always comparing myself with other girls of my age at school, that they were better than me… that I always made poor choices in my relationships.. the first person to criticize me”.

    January 6-9, 2020, a bit more than 2.5 years ago, just before you met your current fiancé: “I am currently not met any person and I am feeling alone… I recognise the effect that my mother had on me… even though I saying a lot of times the word married etc., is because yes of my thoughts of being unsuccessful in that part, that yes I will make poor choices and yes to be again the girl who make all the things wrong”-

    – it is obvious that your mother instilled in you the core beliefs that other girls/ women your age are better than you, that you make poor choices in relationships (and otherwise), and that you do things wrong.

    As a result of living with these core beliefs, it is no wonder that you experience fears and distrust: fears about making poor choices, about doing things wrong, distrust in your ability to make good choices in relationships and otherwise, distrust in the man you are with to be right for marriage.

    No wonder that when you found out that your fiancé repeatedly checked his ex’s Facebook page, you jumped to the conclusion that indeed you made a poor choice in him and that he is the wrong man to marry (“I am having second thoughts to break up with him”, June 24, 2022), and no wonder that you are suspicious that he has a relationship with his ex.  Even if you were with the most honest man and the best candidate for marriage in the whole world, these fears and this distrust will awaken sooner than later  because these fears and distrust have been instilled in your brain by your mother.

    You closed your last post on your previous thread (Jan 9, 2020) with: “I just need a motivator, a person to remind me the simple things in life and the hope that everything will be alright” – I will be glad to be the person to motivate you, here on your thread, to remind you of the simple things in life, one of which is that… mothers aren’t always right. Far from it: too often they are wrong. Your mother criticized you not because you were  likely to make poor choices any more than your peers, but because she felt like criticizing you, that was her emotional need: it was about her, not about you.

    You couldn’t understand this when you were a child because a child is not capable of such mature understanding. But you are capable of it now. It is difficult and it takes a long time to thoroughly understand and change negative and damaging core beliefs, but it is possible, and you can do it. As you change these core beliefs… things will be alright.

    anita

    in reply to: Depressed after leaving toxic relationship #403142
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ed:

    I read your post first thing this Tuesday morning, and am glad to read from you,  but I want to reply to it later, in a couple of hours, maybe three, when I am better prepared. Oh, one thing, if you get to this before I reply further, you wrote “As I am diagnosed with DID relating to ptsd”- you weren’t diagnosed with Disassociation Identity Disorder, were you?  (You did mention ptsd before, I assume you were diagnosed with ptsd?

    anita

    in reply to: What was your “dark night of the soul like”? #403135
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Reader:

    “‘The Dark Night of the Soul’ is a term that is commonly used to describe a period of spiritual transformation… The Dark Night of the Soul signifies the beginning of a shift in perspective from our ego to our soul” (nerdy creator. com)

    <i>”</i>The process of setting ourselves free from ego conditioning is about releasing the defenses we built around our hearts to protect ourselves, and letting life, love, joy in increasingly more…'<i><b>You are love itself when you are not afraid.</b> – </i>Nisargadata Maharaj. – In other words, when you are not the ego, you are the Soul. When you…  operate from to be the Soul, instead of being an ego, you are free. A sense of wonder overwhelms your heart and the tiniest thing feels immensely beautiful… That’s how liberation (ego deconditioning) feels like… and so much more. Discovering your Self as a Soul enables you to feel that you are holding the whole world in your heart… And you do. Because there is always The One Heart beating in all” (bastianela gloria.com).<i></i>

    If anyone reading this would like to comment, share, enlighten, please do!

    anita

    in reply to: fiance is from a foreign country #403134
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Arie1276?

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 35,512 total)