Forum Replies Created
Dear Lemon Tree:
What a delight reading your post: not only because of your kind words for me (thank you!) but because of your humor and child-like wonder and imagination, which the children you work with much appreciate, I am sure! I hope to read more from you here in your thread and elsewhere, and communicate further.
I just came back from a walk over the crunchy ice left over from the snow that fell 2 days ago, my hands are frozen and it’s hard to type, but I read and smiled and feel encouraged by your post. I will reply further in Fri morning (it is Thurs afternoon here).
Edit: “she said, translated…”
“I’m assuming that your mother was similar, wasn’t she?“- I hope she wasn’t similar to your father in this regard: I was 20 something, was on a date, his name was Benny. I returned home late, she waited for me, sitting in the dark waiting, and she said a lot of things, I remember so little of what she said (at that time and at so many other times), but I remember this, she said, paraphrased: I know why you are with him, because he has a (a vulgar way to say penis) and I don’t!
I never shared this here. And in my mind, you will not want to talk to me anymore because of these words… the sentiment.. from a mother, it is too vulgar, too wrong. I never brought it up to her, never asked her about these words. I don’t quite understand.
You are welcome. He wanted you all to himself, didn’t he? He didn’t want to tell you that he was getting married because… it was an inconvenient truth that he didn’t want to admit to, or to share with you: he didn’t want to tell you that he chose a wife, in fear that you will follow suit and choose a husband?
You are welcome. You said that you will post soon and you did (It feels good when people keep their words, thank you!)
“So many times she took one small detail, analyzed it for days, weeks, years and build a whole new story around it“- another commonality between your mother’s behavior and my mother’s behavior.
“One time my mother said to her mother (my grandma) that ‘Mother is supposed to do parties and Christmas for her children!’ (grandma never did) – shows how delusional my mother is. She hardly ever made me a party or Christmas!“- like I said, they (your mother, my mother) are- throughout their lives- the same wounded children they were. They don’t see themselves as adults. They see themselves (as wounded children) everywhere they go, they don’t see anyone else. They didn’t see us (the real-life children)
“She also has those attacks, rage. It could be anywhere: in the street, in the shop, post office. Someone would disrespect her, refused her and she would call this person names, offensive words, yell. There was no limit to it. Let’s say she wanted to get in the bus and someone was blocking the way, she would destroy that person, (not physically – not in those situations at least)“- my mother was often angry at other people but didn’t tell them. Instead, she told me about it.. a whole lot, on and on. But sometimes she exploded at others and it sounds like both our mothers exploded in the same way. My mother tore apart the other person with her words, loud, no-mercy words… and it happened anywhere, on the streets… one time in my elementary school, in front of all the students and teachers who were watching her explode at one of the teachers, my then music teacher.
“When I go for a walk I force myself to notice trees, signs, because I normally don’t see them. I am not attentive at work either, I have to force myself and focus to see thing“- it is as if I wrote these words. It amazes me how much I do not remember about my physical environment. Let’s see…I am trying to remember the color of the walls in the rooms where I live (for more than 8 years), and didn’t remember.. looking: it’s some sort of green in the sun room where I am sitting and typing these words right now, don’t know about the other rooms.
“I feel sorry for myself – that I did not have a real mother, that I wasted so many years, could do so many things, travel, meet people“- I was thinking about it only yesterday: that I really don’t know how it is for people who have mothers who are like mothers are supposed to be.. how does it look like… if it happened to me.. how would it sound like.. feel like?
“I regret living with her for so long, but I do not blame myself for it. She is to blame that it was hard for me to find job, to be successful, to be in healthy relationship, that I had cuts and wounds on my face and it kept me from moving on with my life – it was all her fault that I was stuck“- true.
“If she was supportive and loving I would not have had all those difficulties“- true.
“It is freeing, though, to know all this, to realize she is in fact sick“- it is freeing: freeing from the guilt and shame that we felt as children, shame and guilt that did not belong to us then, and do not belong to us now!
Dear Lemon Tree:
No sincere question is a dumb question!
If I may say so, I enjoyed reading your intelligent, organized, thorough and responsible replies to other members, as well as your original post here, on your own thread. I learned that you are somewhere in your later 20s, an open-minded cat person with a high pitched voice and big teeth (or so you were told), did very well in medical school but left, and you live with a partner who is a dog person and likes to play computer games, the two of you living in a small space and been moving a lot.
As to your question: in a way perhaps, I am torn between being a cat person and a dog person. On one hand I like to be left alone a lot, to live my life on the principle of to-live-and-let-live (congruent with having a cat), and on the other hand, I really like the wagging of the tail and high sociability of dogs.
* I very much like what you wrote in a reply to a member: “I do not agree that anyone should be defined, or limited, by any diagnosis that they have received at any point in their life which could well just be an opinion of an expert that is not approved by other experts that have other opinions“!
Dear Ms Independent:
Good to read back from you!!!
You are welcome. According to the list provided by Healthline/ emotional incest, I suffered from all the “possible outcomes of childhood emotional incest“, including: (1) difficulty individuating/ establishing a sense of self and setting boundaries with others, (2) trouble establishing lasting, healthy friendships and adult romantic relationships, resulting in loneliness and isolation, (3) perfectionistic tendencies and a sense of superiority, (4) feelings of guilt, shame, and a low self-esteem; depression, anxiety and personality disorders.
In the book I mentioned, titled Silently Seduced, it reads: “the covert victim feels idealized and privileged. Yet underneath the thin mask of feeling special and privileged rests the same trauma of the overt victim: rage, anger, shame and guilt”-
– I remember my mother telling me how special and superior (to peers), how most intelligent and pretty and meant-for-great-things I was, on one hand, and telling me that I was “a big zero” during long raging and shaming sessions, on the other hand.
More from the book: “The boundary between caring and incestuous love is crossed when the relationship with the child exists to meet the needs of the parent rather than those of the child…. a disregard for personal boundaries. The child becomes an object“- I very much felt like an object in her hands, literally. My very existence- my body- was her property, hers to do with it whatever she wanted. She was The Person, I was object.
“Over time, the child becomes preoccupied with the parent’s needs… The child’s core needs are rejected, not served. The child feels like an object, not a person“, “There’s nothing loving or caring about a close parent-child relationship when it services the needs and feelings of a parent rather than the child“.
“As long as the abuse or neglect experienced in childhood remains buried within, we re-recreate our family in adult relationships”, “Assigning responsibility where it rightfully belongs is the first crucial step in gaining access to one’s true feelings, needs, and wants”, “Even as adults, we do not gain freedom of choice until we see the past clearly and experience our feelings about it“.
Good to read back from you, Zeeza! It snowed here for a while but not much snow on the ground: way less than during last December. The feel I get reading your recent post is that you are a valued part of your boyfriend’s family and it makes you feel very good.
Congratulations for your first (but not last) successful dinner production for the whole family!
“The house is something easy to fix up that my dad has years of experience doing. My Bf doesn’t want my dad to have to work though while visiting“- are you going to do a lot of work leaning and fixing the house?
“I may have carbon monoxide while driving if I don’t seal the windows properly. I have a manifold leak“- will your van be safe to drive one you seal the windows properly… and what does it take to fix the manifold leak?
I am glad your father recovered from his accident… I bet you are excited about seeing him next month, and about having someone in your family meet your boyfriend and his family for the first time?!
You are welcome and thank you for responding. Reads like you are on the right track! I hope that you greatly benefit from your emotional healing retreat, perhaps even enjoy it!
anitaDecember 1, 2022 at 6:41 am in reply to: How can i get rid of this overthinking and insecurity? #411052
Like you said, if you get relief from this worrisome scenario, there will be another… and another… and another.. and etc., etc… and another. I read your “my past actions can’t be undone. How I wished I do that past actions differently” theme of obsessions (as well as other themes) over and over… and over again in your many threads (different accounts) over the years. It is tiring for me to read it again… and again.. and again… and again… and again.
Are you noticing, Eric, how frustrating it is for me to read the same worries-obsessions over and over? When in the past I suggested professional help for your Obsessive Thinking, you rejected my suggestion saying that you were trying to convince your mind- those were the words you used, to convince my mind.
How is this convincing-your-mind working for you?
Here is from Calm Clinic. com/ How to Stop Obsessive Thoughts and Anxiety (the boldface feature is my addition): “Persistent and negative thoughts are one of the most common signs of an anxiety disorder… Obsessive thoughts are the hallmark of obsessive compulsive disorder, but there are types of ‘obsessive’ thoughts that are present in a variety of anxiety disorders that won’t necessarily cause a diagnosis of OCD…
“Obsessive thoughts are required for someone to be diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder. These obsessive thoughts are often violent, sexual, or fearful in nature… Some examples of obsessive thoughts include: *Fear of getting sick….* Worry over little things (did I lock the door, etc.)… Compulsions are the action that the person completes in order to reduce this obsessive thought. When the person fears germs (obsession), they may need to wash their hands repeatedly (compulsion). When the person fears the door being unlocked (obsession), they may need to lock it 3 or more times (compulsion) to stop that fear…
“Obsessive Thoughts in Other Anxiety Disorders: It’s also possible to develop obsessive thoughts associated with other anxiety disorders… and you’re unlikely to develop compulsions as a result.. Your psychologist will be the one to diagnose which of the following you have. Some examples of these disorders include: * Panic Disorder … Panic attacks are intense feelings of severe anxiety with shortness of breath, elevated heartbeat, sweating, and a fear that something is terribly wrong. *Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder – Those with PTSD often find themselves thinking obsessionally and excessively about the trauma they experienced or the belief that the trauma will occur again. * Phobias Those with very severe phobias may start to think about the object of that fear more and more with everything they do. For example, checking your clothes for spiders….* Social Phobia Those with social phobia worry excessively about embarrassing themselves in social situations. In some cases, it may be a thought of something that happened, while in others it may be worst-case-scenario thinking about the future. * Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) – GAD is a disorder that’s linked to numerous, general worries. For example, worrying that your son/daughter is in danger after they go off to college, along with worries about finances and relationships”.
Mayo Clinic. org: “Signs and symptoms of social anxiety disorder can include constant: * Fear of situations in which you may be judged negatively * Worry about embarrassing or humiliating yourself * Intense fear of interacting or talking with strangers *Fear that others will notice that you look anxious *Fear of physical symptoms that may cause you embarrassment, such as blushing, sweating, trembling or having a shaky voice *Avoidance of doing things or speaking to people out of fear of embarrassment *Avoidance of situations where you might be the center of attention *Anxiety in anticipation of a feared activity or event *Intense fear or anxiety during social situations *Analysis of your performance and identification of flaws in your interactions after a social situation *Expectation of the worst possible consequences from a negative experience during a social situation”.
Mayo Clinic/ Social Anxiety Disorder/ diagnosis-treatment: “Treatment depends on how much social anxiety disorder affects your ability to function in daily life. The most common treatment for social anxiety disorder includes psychotherapy (also called psychological counseling or talk therapy) or medications or both. Psychotherapy improves symptoms in most people with social anxiety disorder… Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is the most effective type of psychotherapy for anxiety, and it can be equally effective when conducted individually or in groups. In exposure-based CBT, you gradually work up to facing the situations you fear most… You may also participate in skills training or role-playing to practice your social skills and gain comfort and confidence relating to others. Practicing exposures to social situations is particularly helpful to challenge your worries… selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are often the first type of drug tried for persistent symptoms of social anxiety. Your health care provider may prescribe paroxetine (Paxil) or sertraline (Zoloft)…”.
– What do you think, Eric?
anitaNovember 30, 2022 at 8:04 pm in reply to: How can i get rid of this overthinking and insecurity? #411034
“so you mean I shouldn’t be worried of those scenarios? Like really I don’t have to worry?”-
–yes, you shouldn’t worry, like REALLY, you don’t have to worry!
Thank you for the note, Joanna. I appreciate that you took the time to post it. Have a good night!
Dear Katrine Nielsen:
You are very welcome. I hope that it gets easier for the two of us to receive empathy!
“I am very quick to jump to conclusions and there always negative“- like every other animal, humans prioritize attending to perceived danger over attending to perceived pleasure, therefore the focus on the negative. It takes relaxing first, before being able to evaluating a situation in a more accurate, balanced way.