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February 1, 2023 at 10:38 am in reply to: Sex life. I want more experiences but I am too shy. #414835
Before you move to a significantly more expensive living arrangement where there too, you may be- figuratively, and maybe literally, holding in your breath/ waiting to exhale, try to relax and exhale where you are at right now, one moment at a time. It may work for your benefit.
anitaFebruary 1, 2023 at 9:39 am in reply to: Sex life. I want more experiences but I am too shy. #414829
Good Tues morning to me (soon to be 9 am), good Tues afternoon to you (soon to be 6 pm). What a delight it is to read your recent post, I am so impressed with your awareness, amazing!
First, congratulations for being financially independent from your parents since June last year!
Second, your intelligence and awareness amazes me: “It’s funny how I was uncomfortable to move from an uncomfortable place… I do very often ask myself where some things come from… Once I put light on them they start losing their power“- exactly! What we are used to is more comfortable- although uncomfortable- than what we are not used to. It is because as humans, we are creatures of habit. Putting light on.. bad habits, is the beginning of dissolving them.
“She triggers the f*ck out of me and I don’t quite know what it is. All I know is that I feel angry at her, like I want her to go away… I would look at her and I would instantly feel tension… In time I started being irritated by the sound of her in general, walking, talking etc…But I’ve felt like this before, for a long time during my childhood…I think It was my mum I was always angry with.. and even today I find it hard to spend time next to each other”.
“I knew this is probably related to my mother and my childhood… I’m basically experiencing a past experience that had a traumatic effect on me and caused me a lot of discomfort and anger. It made me feel trapped, constantly monitored, constantly seen but not really seen for real. I hated it and I’ve had no choice but to bottle up, get angry in my head, call her ( or them ) names, get angry at them. I suppressed my authenticity, my voice, myself in order to keep the relationship, the shelter. I’ve had no choice as a child and for months now, It felt like I’ve had no choice as an adult” (the boldface feature in this quote was chosen by you)-
– let me take a break from your experience and share about my similar experience: it so happens that what you described above in boldface has been my experience growing up with my mother, same thing (100%). And I remember how I hated myself for feeling this way about a supposedly good woman: my mother. At the time I thought she was good (she said so, other people said so). * Interestingly, when you mentioned the accordion like doors in the flat where you are at: growing up, I remember the accordion door in the very small flat where I grew up.
Anyway, my anger at my mother was so intense, so VERY intense. To say that she saw me but didn’t really see me is an understatement. I was the LONELIEST child in the world, yet she (my mother) was always there (too much; it felt like always, like a hellish kind of eternity), and I certainly felt trapped, used to fantasize about getting away from her, it felt like it would be the most wonderful thing in the world, to no longer be around her.
She was there a lot, talking a lot but …(I am typing now as the thoughts occur to me, not editing): I was 100% not in the communication with her. She was talking about me sometimes but.. not really about me. I was nowhere there to be found. It was like being stuck in a vacuum or sorts, like squeezed with no space to be. It stresses me to have this image I just wrote. No Space to Be. No Place for Me.
I will now go back to what you wrote: “Before, my parents gave me shelter and later on… paid for my accommodation and expenses… My girlfriend kept asking me.. Why did you stay for so long? Why would you live with someone who irritates you?… I don’t know exactly right now, what did this really show me so far? What is this teaching me? All I know for now that this has the potential to put me on the right track, on my way to healing one more painful childhood experience.“-
– after reading what I quoted right above, and related to my experience which I shared about before this quote, the title of the movie “Waiting to Exhale” came to my mind: holding my breath growing up, because there is No Space, No Place for me.. no air for me… so if I exhaled, there will be no new air to take in. So I lived.. waiting for such time in the future when there will be new air for me.. Freedom to Be.
Your girlfriend asked you why would you stay in a situation that angers you so much.. creatures of habit we are, aren’t we: the new air is over there.. but we are not in the habit of breathing new air; we are in the habit of holding our breath. What do you think/ feel?
After I submitted the above, I re-read the submitted post and was quite impressed that there were no mistakes, hardly any: wow, I said to myself. But then, using your own words (“it will sneak on me again“)- it did sneak on me again when the thought occurred to me that in the post I submitted I said something like that I no longer overthink about whether my words get twisted, but at the end of the post I wrote that normally I re-read my posts. So the thought that sneaked on me was: I contradicted myself, I lied and I will be called on it (I hear the mental rep voice saying: you lied! You said this.. but then you said that.. how dare you lie like this? Who do you think you are?! Let me tell you who you are… )
Again, I will not edit this shorter post.
You are welcome and it amazes me how much we are alike (sadly it is so because we grew up with very, very similar mothers). Here is the similarity I am referring to this Tuesday morning (I am feeling better, thank you, had a good night sleep)- you wrote: “Anita, just to make sure: I saw the word ‘hardness’ and immediately thought about my mother’s behavior (being insensitive etc.) and things she, unfortunately, taught me. I did not intent to make it seem like it is one of your behaviors, as I see you as a kind and welcoming person”.
You were anxious about me thinking that you said or had the intention to say that I am insensitive and unkind (hard) person, and that as a result, I will get angry at you (right?) This is exactly how I tortured myself forever, so it seems: worrying about my words being understood or misunderstood in this or that negative way, causing the other person to get angry at me (and punish me).
This is a result of our paranoid mothers: my mother would TWIST my words in ways that produced the illusion of evil intent on my part, such that did not exist. Naturally, for decades and decades (not recently, not for a long time, it just occurred to me), I used to overthink about all kinds of ways the words I just said, or typed away, could be understood/ misunderstood and I had to clarify to the person what I said (I meant this.. I didn’t mean that…)
I will now go to your first post of Jan 31 in regard to the word hardness: “Anita, could you elaborate on this one ‘hardness (lack of softness)’? Not sure I understand. Is it being too harsh, insensitive? I am thinking about my own behavior and that’s how I see it: me being sometimes too.. sarcastic maybe, not very nice…That’s why I think my fear of offending people is sometimes justified”-
– my reaction when I read the above yesterday was not at all to think that you meant to accuse me or insult me for being hard, harsh and insensitive. There was absolutely no annoyance or anger in my heart for you, Joanna. When I read your words yesterday, I was already well aware of my hardness/ harshness/ insensitivity to others, it was not news to me. Actually, I brought it up to you, after all. I was already okay with seeing this about myself and I was seeing it.
I imagine if you said what you said to my mother, oh, she would have exploded angrily (and I can hear her voice so easily in my mind, but I don’t want to type away what is so clearly voiced in my brain right now (it includes insulting you at length, in many ways, after saying who-do-you-think-you-are for saying that I am hard.. why, you are the one who is hard, you are the one who is sensitive...) Next she would say and you are this way after all the good things I did for you and she’d be detailing all those good things and going on and on about how she is the softest person in the world, and how ungrateful and underserving of her you are, etc., etc., etc.)-
– her voice comes so easily to my mind, her words flow so easily, so quickly, never hesitate… there really is in my brain a mental representative of my mother, with her energy, her voice, her… passion to destroy.
Back to me (back from her mental rep), in regard to my reactions to people other than my mother: basically, I assume that they are like her, so naturally I was alert and ready to detect any negative or potentially negative expressions on their part and prepare for the pain to come; surely, I was not relaxed enough to be able to detect and focus on the positive things about other people. As a result of this alertness and focus, I naturally reacted … not with sensitivity and softness but with harshness and insensitivity for the other person. After all, when you are at war, you don’t put down your weapons and offer the enemy a hug…
In my decades of experience with other people, I am yet to find- in my personal experience- a person who chased-me-to-destroy me anything even close to my mother’s way of doing it. She persecuted me and I was persecuted, no time to relax (unless she was away, and that would be only for a while).
It amazes me how unique my mother is/ has been, compared to the great majority of everyday people.. none is as bad as she is, not in my personal life. This means that people in general are way better than I thought they were. Some people are really good, way more people than I thought.
You wrote: “I knew I was focusing on negatives. I could be talking for someone for an hour and get stuck on some suspicious word, tone, whatever.. and obsess about it.”- just like me.
“I fear it may be never ending, I could fight it and it will sneak on me again.. But I focus on successes, even small ones, like you always say. I am aware of this and working on it.“- same as me.
You wrote, in the quote right above, that you are “working on it”. Here is me working on it right now, here on your thread: I mentioned at the beginning of this post how I used to overthink if my words can be misunderstood to mean what I didn’t intend for them to mean? Well, normally, I would re-read my posts to see where my words can be misunderstood (TWISTED, more like it), but I will not do it in this post. I will not even re-read for typos and grammatical mistakes, and instead, I will click the “Submit” button (a bit scary… here it is.. after I sign out with my name)
anitaJanuary 31, 2023 at 5:15 pm in reply to: 26 year old single male & would like advice to improve myself #414811
How are you, Daniel??
How are you, Lily…?
How are you, Ed?
I will reply to you after my walk, maybe as late as Wed morning, my time (it’s been a long day for me), and by the way, winter is back here: some (not too much) ice and snow. Take care and have a good night!
There is indeed plenty of self-centeredness and selfishness, and that certainly hurts honest people and honest dreamers, honest dreamers like you!
You are welcome, Gay. As far as closing or deleting your thread, I don’t have the power to do so (I am a member here, just like you are). Thank you for your good wishes/ blessing and same back to you!
You are welcome, Amy.
Thank you for your appreciation. So many anniversaries and birthdays Jan-April, including Jan 26- the day your middle son died; Feb 7, 2023- one year since your oldest son committed suicide.
“It’s even harder knowing that I have another son who doesn’t care and probably would like to see me gone off the earth”- naturally, there was great love for you, in his heart, when he was a child; and somewhere in his heart, underneath his anger, he still loves you, I imagine.
“I’m not sure why life has to be so hard”- this is not my answer, and I am not religious, but the story of the Garden of Eden comes to my mind. The answer there is that life is so hard because Adam and Eve, when they had it all nice and easy in the Garden, chose to sin, and their sin led to all of humanity being expelled from the Garden.
You are welcome and thank you for another Inspirational Quote, you really can deliver a lot with a few words, typo or not!
On my walk, I remembered what came to my mind when I first read your original post: it was a very short question and answer that I heard or read a long time ago, it went something like this: a man is imprisoned in a jail cell. How does he get out?
Answer: he stops wanting out.
The man can be free if he stops desiring to be free. Back to you: how can you be free from the desire to have a relationship?
My suggested answer, perhaps: desire freedom more than you desire a relationship. Freedom is a need too, freedom from the desire for a relationship can be stronger than the desire for a relationship. What do you think?