Forum Replies Created
Your response to me seems reasonable to me: you will keep some things in the back of your mind because you do not have the social support you need to deal with those things now. You do need emotional support from another to deal with such, so I understand. You are welcome and take the best care of yourself in your circumstances.
What you shared here is that before this relationship she was “very reluctant to be in relationship – she kept on telling me that she was not ready and that she still haven’t figured herself out” and you had “long period of depression with suicidal thoughts.”
Then the relationship happened and all was “perfect.” The two of you took a BREAK from your miseries and made something PERFECT. Only it wasn’t perfect. It would have been closer to perfect if the two of you talked- during your relationship- about your individual problems and helped each other with those. You ignored them and enjoyed the break/ vacation away from the problems.
And now they are back: her reluctance and your depression. Back to the beginning.
If you agree with my analysis here, you can- if you are able and willing- to try again with her but this time offer that the two of you communicate while in the relationship and help each other, help each other deal with the reluctance and depression and the causes for her reluctance and your depression. This time make it real, not “perfect.”
anitaSeptember 2, 2015 at 8:13 am in reply to: Boyfriend forcefully married by his family, still loves me and want us together. #82723
I wish this was NOT the situation for you, for him, for his wife, but it is. Each person has some personal responsibility in creating this situation, and there is the social responsibility of the practice of arranged marriages. Each person will have to suffer the consequences of the personal choices made as well as the consequences of the social practice of arranged marriages.
I was hoping that if his wife is not pregnant and if he is so miserable, that he will exit this situation as soon as possible, an escape not as good as not getting into the situation to begin with, but better than a life of misery. But in your response you are saying that he is invested in staying in the marriage until a later time, a time not defined, such as a week, a month from now. Becoming financially strong can take- forever: one may never feel financially strong enough. And you didn’t mention any plan he has to not get his wife pregnant. The future of innocent children is always on my mind.
Under these circumstances, him being invested in the marriage- if not by being in love, then by choosing to maintain the marriage for whatever reason- I would say, severe ties. Put your time and energy elsewhere and when YOU marry, make as good a choice as you can make.
If you do choose to do this, then you will need an “emotional plan”- how to deal with your emotions of attachment to him, and your own hope that someday things may “fall in place.”
Your best bet is to place things where they belong and not to passively wait for things to… fall in place. Take charge.
anitaSeptember 1, 2015 at 3:14 pm in reply to: My heart feels like I had an invisible bullet that went through it…help. #82679
No, NO! You are NOT going to end up in hell. No- no- no! There is no hell except the experience here on earth- hellish ENOUGH for most. No more bible talk from me. For now.
You are welcome.
anitaSeptember 1, 2015 at 12:41 pm in reply to: My heart feels like I had an invisible bullet that went through it…help. #82671
All I am saying is IF you believe in god and IF you believe that the bible was all inspired by that god then god hates homosexuals. It says so. I am talking about integrity of thinking. Picking and choosing what to believe in and how to (mis) interpret the bible is not congruent with honest, accurate thinking if you believe it was all inspired by god. If you believe god loves homosexuals then it cannot be the same god that inspired the part of the bible that says what it says.
Looking forward to your post after you talk to your grandmother… it is probably not a good idea to talk to her on the phone today. I would write her a letter instead and make a copy for yourself. In the letter you can invite her to write to you back or call you. I think calling her is not a good idea. If you choose the letter option you can put all of you in it, it will be more honest and complete on your part-
anitaSeptember 1, 2015 at 12:02 pm in reply to: My heart feels like I had an invisible bullet that went through it…help. #82667
You wrote: “I am afraid that she will reject me for who I am and I know she will love me always.” What is love if not accepting the loved one unconditionally? A little love? A love IF?
You wrote that god wouldn’t create gay people if he didn’t like them. Well, if you read the bible and if you believe it was all inspired by god, then it READS that being homosexual is an abomination. And it reads a lot of other things, the good, the bad and the ugly, all there in the bible. But seeing things for what they are, it says it there, in the bible. I mean, it is there.
Please post after you talk to your grandmother, best wishes to you!
- This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by tinybuddha.
I like you caring enough about being honest to the guy and not lead him on. MY hat off to you for that. If you have a question or want more input, write more.
anitaSeptember 1, 2015 at 8:42 am in reply to: Boyfriend forcefully married by his family, still loves me and want us together. #82661
Shame, the two of you being victims of the social practice of arranged marriages. You were not sure you wanted to be married with him when he asked you. And now, do you have an idea? Would you have said yes if you could go back in time?
If yes is the answer and his wife is not pregnant (!) – this is a no brainer to me, he should end that marriage. Regardless of your answer, he should end that marriage. If he has to move away where he doesn’t have to suffer the consequences, then he should move away. Move away with you or without you.
Did you discuss with him the possibility of him ending the arranged marriage? What is his position?
Do you like him enough to make a life with him yourself, if he gets out of the arranged marriage?
Once you see reality better, examine, investigate different possibility and see it clearly, your distress will lower as you will know what to do.
anitaSeptember 1, 2015 at 8:31 am in reply to: Boyrfriend refuses to reply at all after an argument. How to I deal with this? #82659
I would- if you get the chance again- ask him why he is in a rush to get out of the company of your family members. What bothers him? He may have valid reasons, your family members or your interactions with them may be phony, for example, not honest. This is only a guess- I have no information to base it so it is a wild guess. You can find the information: ask WHY. When you notice a discomfort in him- or anyone you are in a relationship with- ask WHY. Let him tell you. He will feel noticed. Before you jump to conclusions, that he is uncaring and unfair or whatnot, ASK an open ended question like why, ask in a nonjudgmental way, just so to get the information. How else will you get it???
It is my guess that when you, avr1962, were a child you were truly betrayed by a parent or both. You were then innocent, competely trusting and betrayed. Then throughout your adulthood there were people who truly betrayed you and often you see betrayal where there is none. If you wrote here an example of betrayal by one of your adult children for example, gave the details, we can examine the story for the real- or imagined (self fulfilling expectation and filtered perception) betrayal. We could separate the real from the imagined, and the imagined from the real. Then you can be angry about the real offenders and make things better with other people, some that … you may betrayed yourself. If you are interested in such courageous examination, please post again.
Is your personality all ugly or is part of it beautiful? If you rub everyone the wrong way, as you wrote, maybe use your beautiful personality to rub a person the right way, no pun intended…?
Why can’t you stay in the house you are selling? Are you looking for another house or are you planning to continue to live in your dad’s house. Are your grandparents living in the house where you are currently living? Why are you extremely grateful to your parents? I am trying to figure out who is helping whom?
anitaAugust 31, 2015 at 5:58 pm in reply to: I don't want/like my boyfriends gift. How do I get past the way I am feeling? #82637
As I was reading your post I anticipated that your bf would bring you a big gift because he ignored your request and didn’t listen to you. But when you wrote that you are a ballet dancer I imagined how excited he was about the jewelry box. So I thought his excitement over-shadowed your request for small gifts which is different than coldly ignoring your request. So, at this point I am thinking why not ask him if you can keep the jewelry box in his place, not in your place because it is too big for your minimalist lifestyle. That way you don’t have it in your home. He likes it, so he can have it in his home and you can both … enjoy it together there.
Will it be your first belonging located in his home? this could be romantic… here I am being carried away.
anitaAugust 31, 2015 at 5:48 pm in reply to: Break up w depressed bf. Am I doing anything wrong??? #82636
i am glad my input is the right advice for you. Anytime. I like the door closes/ door opens saying this way: YOU close one door (on a bad relationship) and YOU open another door (for a good relationship). It is better to think from the point of view that YOU MAKE things happen instead of things happening to you. Taking charge.
anitaAugust 31, 2015 at 2:29 pm in reply to: My heart feels like I had an invisible bullet that went through it…help. #82631
So you are saying that your grandmother expressed her opinion about gay people not knowing you are gay? And you want to tell her that you are gay but are afraid of her rejection of you?
You just came out a little while ago, with your father for one. Coming out is a process and it takes time. You are still in that process. It cannot be easy and I for one, from your posts, think you are doing very well with it, especially considering your age.
Did you tell your grandmother? Does she otherwise know? If so, how did she react? Is she really worried about you going to hell? Does she not know that according to Christianity straight people go to hell for not believing in christ? If you do not believe in the Christian tenets, has she been worried already?
About her love for you- will it be lost, is that your concern?
There is nothing wrong with you being homosexual/ gay. There is nothing at all wrong with you for being attracted to the same sex. You deserve respect and love as much as you would if you were straight. Not more and not less. Now, whomever doesn’t believe it, let it be their problem. This is where I see the place of militant gay politics: don’t apologize for being gay. Build this strength inside you that says: I am gay. If you can’t love me or won’t love me because of it, well, bye.
And if she still loves you and doesn’t try to change you then love her all the way. Hey, you are not trying to change her, do you?