Forum Replies Created
August 31, 2015 at 2:13 pm in reply to: I need some advice on accepting myself even if others don't #82630
I didn’t respond to this before although I read it because it seemed to me that you got it and saw no need for further input. I understand your desire to have a relationship with your father with whom you grew up. You understand that his thoughts and feelings are his business and that what matters is how he BEHAVES with you, that he treats you with respect regardless of his negative thoughts about you being gay or antyhing else he may not like. You understand how important it is to assert yourself with people and to avoid the company of people hurtful to you. All good things, thumbs up!
- This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by tinybuddha.
You wrote that you are “such a great match.” In some areas perhaps: both of you wanting to be medical doctors? Liking the same food, forms of entertainment? You know the answer. And you know that you are not such a great match in the EMPATHY area, that is, that he tells you that what you feel is ridiculous and therefore he is suggesting that you shouldn’t feel any which way that is not comfortable for you- and for him. Problem solved: you feel distress? Just don’t feel it.
This attitude on his part, this constitution of his will make a very poor choice of a father to your children if you were to marry him and have children with him. Troubled children will be the result.
The source of his empathy delinquency is deep in his childhood and not something you can heal or change in him. You can teach him, if he is willing to learn, to say something like” “I understand what you feel.” and (pretend to) listen with no commentary. Well you can figure out if he can manage this way, if it is satisfactory to you.
Learn more about his emotional dynamics. How does he work? The words “I love you.” mean a million different things to a million different people, so better get the details so to shed some light into those words: what does it mean to him to love you?
I like it that you told your bf that this is hard for you. You can tell him further (if you haven’t so far) what bothers you about it, or be willing to explore it further with him. I would ask him for information: the nature of his relationship with her (facebook only? Phone calls? Meetings???) I would ask him if and how he has changed since and if and when and how she has changed since? And what changed in their relationship? What is he getting, what is she getting… what didn’t work then and is working now?
I would ask in a non threatening way- make sure he is not on the defensive so you can get honest information, the only information that can help you. Once he feels safe to be open you can get all the information you want, if you listen objectively enough, evaluate what he says calmly.
I would be concerned in a similar circumstance. I would be worried about just what you termed “co-dependent” element in him.
I suppose him blocking your number is all the honesty you are going to get from him. You want more, an explanation, but he is only willing to give you this: ‘I am blocking your number (meaning: ‘I do not want to communicate with you. I do not want you in my life.’)
So if you agree with this, then it is the answer to the title question of your thread: what “I don’t know means??”
Oh, but it was not “living happily in oblivion”= this is where the comparison with the Matrix is inaccurate. At the times I was daydreaming about being rescued from my misery by another person- it was a respite, a break from the misery. That break, those occasional breaks from the ongoing misery, did not delete the misery. The brain, the body HAS to take breaks from distress, time out, otherwise it will collapse. But the misery was immense in between the breaks.
My motivation to wanting others’ company in the past was to take me away from my misery. I viewed others as way more resourceful than me and therefore able to show me … the light. Now that I see others are stumbling in the dark, often insistent on their darkness as the way, I am not motivated. Now, like I wrote, I am married to my now, best friend, so I am fortunate. My social needs are met. Then I talk to people in real life and not long ago I still wished for a special (girl)friend to visit with. THe problem is the conversations with others, the conversations I am having with others do not motivate me for more. For example, I have a neighbor (not the same one I mentioned). We took long walks together. She told me about how (this is my interpretation and i believe it is correct, actually I have no doubt that it is) how she encourages her husband to submit to his still-abusive-mother. That enrages me. She doesn’t see that inside her older husband there is the child that he was, that he still is and that he was so hurt by his abusive mother (she does agree with the latter, told me herself).
Now, how do I go from here with this neighbor? How do I accept what she is doing? I mean, I am no jesus christ with unlimited nonjudgmental empathetic, saintly capabilities. I am a human being, a human animal. I need things-in-common with a potential friend. One of those things in common that I need is to NOT encourage abuse. So she is out. And so it goes.
Does this answer your question?
One more thing, James, to heal from the traumatic relationship I had with my mother it took a healing relationship with my husband whom I met late in life, at the age of 49. It took him and the psychotherapist I saw a year later, at 50. It was a rough ride. Like I wrote above it was LOTS of work within therap, in between sessions, every day since, lots or reading, lots and lots and lots of writing, lots of practice of interpersonal and intrapersonal skills, lots of getting in touch with my body via lots of yoga, tai chi, other disciplines and exercise, all kind, every day.
By the way, I lived in NYC in 1985, 86. Church st, downtown. Loved Central Park.
I see more than ever before. I see more and more every day. I am getting good at peeling of the BS layers from bare reality- I call it evolving. What made me evolve? It started with my first good psychotherapy in 2011, CBT/Mindfulness/DBT. Lots of healing took place since, lots and lots of hard work, regressions, transgressions, inaccurate projections, distorted thinking, huge blinders, knowing-but-not-knowing (having been disconnected from my emotions- a NECESSARY source of knowing, the kind of knowing necessary for mental health). I worked every day since 2011, every single day, for more than a year, it was my FT job, hours and hours per day.
The seeing MORE is the benefit of this long term, persistent hard work.
Sometimes I get tired and almost look with nostalgia at parts of the past when life was simpler in a way- but I can’t go back, that is the “problem” – I chose a path, a healing path, stayed on it consistently, persistently and I went too far, so far that I can’t go back and take refuge in things of the past, such as believing someone else can save me (pathological but a source of pleasant daydreaming in the past), such as finding comfort in anyone’s company (now I am so selective I find myself more alone than ever) and so forth.
I can’t save a single person and I am working very hard on saving myself, saving the rest of my life from being wasted on crazy. I am here on this site only to save myself, one comment at a time. Posts trigger me, make me think, figure things out, figure me out. If anything I type helps anyone, even for a moment, that is a good thing. But leaving behind my own dream of saving others is a big part of saving myself.
Take care, james:
anitaAugust 30, 2015 at 8:34 am in reply to: Could the 30 day no contact rule possibly bring me an an ex back together? #82585
Did he tell you about the feelings he said he had for the last six months? About the nature of those feelings and associated thoughts? The answer to this question is of great importance in you figuring out what to do next.
I suggested meditation, to bring my computer and have guided meditation with her. She didn’t take me up on it. She lacks insight into what makes her anxious, thinking it is this or that, nor realizing there will always be this or that. So I would have suggested psychotherapy but I am afraid she will chop my head off if I suggested that to her…
I decided long, long ago to not bring a child into this world. I couldn’t bear the pain of bringing an innocent child to be hurt. I decided that long ago and decades later I hold the same position only I feel about it even more strongly. There is no greater emotional pain than the pain of that innocent child that I was, the one looking up to the adult with those big, trusting eyes only to have my heart broken into many tiny little pieces. I see these little hurt children every day in the adults here on this site and elsewhere. I wish more people held your and my position about bringing children into THIS world (not a good-enough world for the innocent).
anitaAugust 30, 2015 at 8:16 am in reply to: My heart feels like I had an invisible bullet that went through it…help. #82582
It’s me again. I am back following a power failure, no electricity, second day (generator on). I read your last post on the other thread and this short one. what happened with this other relative?
August 29, 2015 at 7:46 pm in reply to: Being accused of shutting my sister out of my life… #82576
- This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by tinybuddha.
Better withdraw from your sister so to release yourself from that rigid role where you are somehow the unloving, abusive “parent” to your unloved, abused younger sister. What an… unappetizing role you have, to repeatedly be accused of… it is insane. Remove yourself from this insanity- that is what it is, insanity. This role where she projects into you her parent/s, seeing herself in relation to you as the child and seeing you as her parent… this role is helping to keep her where she is, repeatedly replaying her childhood conflict. Better for her, and most important, better for you. I have to get off the computer very soon, power outage. Generator powered at the moment. If you write me your email address I will email you hopefully tomorrow, if and when the power or generator is on. WIll be glad to. \
anitaAugust 29, 2015 at 12:48 pm in reply to: Being accused of shutting my sister out of my life… #82568
Talking about reflecting back a feeling, YOUR feeling: I read that you are feeling “anxious and overburdened!” with an exclamation mark, by your sister accusing you. I am thinking that it may very well be wiser for you to have no contact with her. Instead of waiting for her to contact you, why not you choosing to not have contact with her? Anxious and overburdened by your interactions with her… this is hurting YOU.
Take care of yourself first. Your sister is accusing you, accusing is a strong verb. I don’t like it, not at all. She refuses to have therapy and you are looking for more therapy, partially to deal with her…? This is not right.
Given your long standing rescuer role with your sister and her lack of willingness to do the work to heal, and her temper tantrums, accusing you, that is setting you deeper into that rescuer role which is harming you. I strongly feel that no contact with her is best for you (and for her).
anitaAugust 29, 2015 at 9:40 am in reply to: Being accused of shutting my sister out of my life… #82566
Yay indeed: I see no greater achievement than you doing a great job parenting your sons, especially coming from the childhood you had! My appreciation of you and respect for you is immense.
It is difficult to abandon such a historically embedded role of the rescuer. My psychotherapist, the only good enough therapist I had told me that he is not able to help his sister because he is not able to be objective with her. His way of dealing with a suffering sibling, he told me, was “Zero advice and zero in on their feelings”- I think these were his words, I do remember the zero part. What he meant from my best understanding is that he reflects to her what she feels, that is something like: you feel hurt… lets her know he SEES her feeling hurt but he does not try to change it, to resue her with either advice or doing anything at all.
I can see how helpful it can be to a sibling/ person to just be VISIBLE, to hear another say: I see you. I see you hurting.
And that is all he does with her. He doesn’t try to accomodate her, make her feel lovable, make her feel anything at all. All he does is say with empathy: I SEE you feel (this, or that).
As good as my ex therapist was- and he was good- he was completely aware that he is not ABLE to help his sister with anything but “I see you.”
What do you think?