Menu

anita

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 15 posts - 36,841 through 36,855 (of 37,666 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • in reply to: need help,loosing it #82565
    anita
    Participant

    Dear andrea:

    Welcome back! I did wonder about you and how you were doing. I re-read much of our past correspondence before I read again your latest post. I like what you are doing, hat off to you. I am quite impressed by your initiative and resourcefulness! From what I read so far about the psychiatrist you are seeing, I like what i read. She realizes the injury in you is from the loveless childhood you had. Wanting to talk with him, get his input, great idea. He, your husband, seems like he gave up and sees no hope in getting close again- it will be interesting to find out if he does have some hope deep inside. It will be interesting and very useful to find out his position. I suppose you have some interest in exploring his position because you are considering getting closer to your husband. If he shows genuine, real interest, you may too, is that so?

    Keeping the two issues separate is an excellent idea- I know, because it is working for you. This way you are able to do something reasonable, what you ARE doing, and I see hope in your well being much improved. I am very interested to read further the happenings to follow in this therapy, the result of speaking to your husband, to see if there is ANY INTEREST in him to better his relationship with you or is he too invested in the relative comfort zone he has been in for so long?

    Write more, anytime and take care of yourself as you have been doing, toward a better future.

    anita

    in reply to: Love another when I don't love myself? #82562
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Brian:

    My answer: as is, you love yourself a little bit and you love that woman a little bit. The more you love yourself, the more you can love another. It is a matter of degree, a spot on the continuum of love. Problem is that if you are a parent, a “little bit” of love will not be good enough for your child, so I will strongly suggest to any person who does not love themselves to postpone parenthood until you do. For a child, there is no “little bit”- it is all-or-nothing. The “little bit” can be enough to survive but not to thrive.

    I think you love yourself a little bit when you are drawn to a person who, like you, suffered or is suffering significantly. It is your loving yourself, caring for your own pain, having empathy to yourself, that makes it possible for you to have empathy for another. You have empathy to your woman friend because you have empathy for yourself. You don’t feel that empathy for yourself (at all or hardly?)but it is there.

    One possible way for you to increase your self empathy is at any one time when you are in the company of another and you are aware of that warm, empathetic feeling for the other person, think: what is it that he/ she is reminding me about myself (Brian)- what about me and my life am I reminded of right now?

    If you could then shift for a moment the empathy to the other from being directed at the other- to you, directing it to yourself.

    anita

    in reply to: How do you stay composed in the crazy city life? #82561
    anita
    Participant

    Dear James:

    I live in a place totally opposite to a big city. This is one of the most peaceful places on earth, away from city, seven miles or so to the nearest store or food establishment. Yet, at this peaceful place, a few of my neighbors run around anxious all day long. I have been fascinated by this. One of my neighbors in particular, she is anxious-crazy no matter what. She has the biggest three story house and tons of land perfectly manicured, plants, flowers, a tree house, no financial problems, she is not working and can do anthing she wants but she picks up a reason to worry at any and all times, there is always something and never did I see her calm.

    So, the craziness is really in between her ears. She is constantly running away from her distress and never succeeds.

    anita

    anita
    Participant

    You are making sense to me. I wonder if your father was more accepting- sounding to you on the phone because you didn’t call him for a while and he doesn’t want to lose you. He may be motivated by this fear, not by a true change of heart. He may not be taking you for granted at this point, which is a good thing. As long as he is not rejecting and hurtful to you, I think it is fine to have a relationship with him, a relationship conditional on him accepting, or at least not expressing rejection of you. It is okay for you to let him know that this is your condition for a relationship with him.

    You stated that you love your father, well, this is fine and dandy to love him and be in contact with him as long as the same rule applies to him as to any other person in the world: for as long as he talks and acts toward you with respect, and does not mistreat you.

    The principle of the matter is: nobody is allowed to mess with you; nobody is allowed to mistreat you, no matter who they are.

    About you not being accepting of all other people: if you mean that in your thinking you are rejecting of some, that is fine. I don’t think there is a single person in the world who is accepting of all other people at all times. No way. It is what a person DOES that matters. If you think negatively about a person, that is okay, as long as your behavior is not abusive. You are okay as a human being no matter what you think as long as your behavior is not abusive (“Do no Harm”)

    And so, it doesn’t matter what your father thinks about you being gay, he may dislike it for the rest of his life- and I hope it is okay with you. He is allowed to think and feel whatever he thinks and feels- just as you. He is not allowed to say and do hurtful things to you. I wouldn’t reject him for what he cannot help (his thoughts and feelings). I hope you can clearly see this point.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by tinybuddha.
    in reply to: Being accused of shutting my sister out of my life… #82559
    anita
    Participant

    Dear carole:

    Your sister is hungry for love, for loving attention. Her hunger is as deep as the absence of that love in her childhood. She is probably aware of it on some level, but not on a deep, accepting enough level, so she doesn’t see what it is that motivates her and she doesn’t see her behavior as unreasonable. She saw your divorce as an opportunity, a vacuum created in your life where she can have a place to receive love.

    Like you stated in so many words, and I concur: you, carole, have a zero chance of satisfying your sister’s need to be loved. Any and all your efforts, however heroic, self sacrificial on your part, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, she will not be satisfied. It is impossible unless she attends psychotherapy or otherwise, somehow, heal from her childhood-born injury.

    If indeed your children are successful, healthy individuals- you have done a good job mothering them. Congratulations! Your sister is not a child. And she is not your (adult) child. It is neither possible nor is it your responsibility to “raise” her, which is what she needs, that is to go back in time and visit her emotional injuries and start anew.

    Did you suggest she attends psychotherpy- or if she did- that she attends a good psychotherapy? If I was you, at the most I would offer her support if she attends psychotherapy to deal with her childhood injury/ trauma. The best you can do for her is point the finger back at her when she accuses you, somehow letting her know that her feelings are her responsibility, her needs are her responsibility and only she can satisfy those through insight, skills and so forth.

    If you try otherwise to satisfy her, you are feeding pathology, sickness, and the pathology will never be satisfied. If you do this, you are engaging yourself in pathological behavior. Stay on the side of well being.

    anita

    anita
    Participant

    The man who poured beer on your head, that was weird and significant enough that you remember it. But how easily we- our parents’ children- overlook what our parents do to us. Your father not seeing you for who you are all these years, judging you, that is REJECTING you as often as he did during so many years is way, way more damaging to you than a stranger pouring beer on your head. It simply hurts when THE PERSON WE WANT TO PLEASE SO BADLY- rejects us. It simply hurts. So it is your father who hurt you then… by rejecting you, by stamping you repeatedly with the DISAPPROVED stamp. Like you wrote, nobody is perfect but it doesn’t take any of the pain of being disapproved by the person we are so invested in winning over.

    Nobody is as invested as a child in seeing the best in one’s parents. So what you see, as you described it in your posts, is the best of who your father is. Reality is probably not as “good.”

    Surround yourself with people who know you, who like what they know of you, who APPROVE of you, who want to know you better- this is crucial. Do not invest anymore in trying to make a disapproving person approve of you. Look for and keep people who approve of you. Surround yourself with people with whom you can be more and more yourself.

    You wish you didn’t care what other people thought of you. Surround yourself with … gay-friendly people, gay or not, people who do not already feel negatively about gay people. People who feel negatively about gay people, those feelings are most often very deep in them (homophobia is a way to label those feelings). Don’t try to make them approve of you as a gay person. Stay away from any person once you realize he or she is homophobic (and as strange as it is, there are gay people who have those feelings…)

    And then notice that the gay-friendly people you do associate with can be disapproving and judgmental otherwise. Ahh, the complexity of it all. The way to care less what disapproving people think of you is to stay away from them. Why bother?

    Till later:
    anita

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by tinybuddha.
    in reply to: I need some advice on accepting myself even if others don't #82543
    anita
    Participant

    You wrote: “I do believe that a mother’s love is the greatest.” You didn’t mention your mother in your posts. You shared that you grew up with your father. Would you like to tell me if and what kind of relationship you had and have with your mother? And then tell me what you mean by “a mothers’ love is the greatest”- for you, personally, what it means?

    You were afraid of people so young because a person or people hurt you early on. That was before you knew you liked girls and that it was socially unacceptable (to many). Who hurt you? how?

    I will be away from the computer for a while. I just came back to the computer and the last post in front of me is the one from two hours ago (there may be more)
    anita

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by tinybuddha.
    anita
    Participant

    Dear aerodyll:

    What you wrote: “It only occurred to me yesterday but I think I am going to try and set up as a part time freelance graphic designer/typesetter/3D artist.’ sounds like a good idea and worth trying…but I have no experience in the field to know.

    What I do have experience with is the issue you mentioned here: “So really everything points to giving it up as a bad job except my inner voice which while understanding this still feels guilty like I am quitting or like I am weak. And I feel like family and friends will be disappointed in me or like I will look stupid for it. I don’t know whether this inner voice is my passion trying to get me to work through this wall or whether that voice is the stubborn part of me that refuses to quit.”

    This is my input: never mind family and friends being disappointed with you. Why, aren’t you disappointed in choices they have made? You are allowed to disappoint them. Talk more with your partner though. Your income and plans as far as income and time spent working should be considered when planning to have children. So, wait until you are clearer with a course of action until you and your partner are more prepared regarding time and money for new responsiblities. So you don’t complicate the situation.

    I vote for that voice in you being a stubborn part of you that refuses to quit because you indicated in so many words that you do care about how you look to others, family and friends… as if it matters in your real life. Unless those people, “family and friends” are paying your bills, why do you care what they think? With all due respect, this is YOUR life, to discuss with your partner, not with any other.

    In real life there is the thing of FLOW and going with the flow is strength. For example, flowing water is very powerful, it shapes hard rocks. But how does water flow? It chooses the path of least resistence. When it comes across a wall, it bounces against it and flows ELSEWHERE. Water reacts and moves away from difficulties and so it maintain its power. We, humans, are part of nature, human animals. The notion that we need to have a dream- and at an early age (“What do you want to do when you grow up?”) and then STICK to that one dream no matter what- well, that makes a nice story for the ONE person out of thousands that does so and succeeds, but it is not in accordance to the rules of nature. Animals react to difficulties and move away from them. They do not keep spending energy on what does not work (exceptions exist and are disasterous to the animal).

    Like water, like animals, like nature…. you bounce against a wall… again and again… move away, flow elsewhere, and you will maximize your own power in your own life.

    anita

    anita
    Participant

    The Y letter on my computer is stuck…

    anita
    Participant

    You are ahead of many people when you ASK questions instead of assuming, way ahead. There are a lot of lies, of hiding of truth every turn you make, every turn I make as I keep my eyes open. There is not a single book I am willing to accept as truth without ASKING my own questions, at least in my own mind, about what is true in it and what is not. It doesn’t matter who sas or writes or publishes what, everthing is suspect. So coming out of hiding is stating m true feelings, my true thoughts, and stating realit as it is. There are lots of social conventions, social myths, marketing lies, it goes on and on and on. There are individual delusions, group (social) delusions on a grand scale. Coming out of delusion- peeling off the laers of delusion from bare realit- is what I am referring to when I sa I am also out of hiding.

    An example of my past personal delusion: my mother loved me. A social myth/ lie: there is no greater love than the love of a parent to their child. Truth: There is no greater love of a child to her parent/s. It is the child, not the parent, willing to do anything and everything to please the parent, not- not the other way around.

    Tell me, if you will, about your experience with truth vs lies, the coming out of your hiding- how does it feel? what is next?
    anita

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by tinybuddha.
    anita
    Participant

    Of course I am okay with talking on here. There is something good, healing about writing where anyone can read what we write- the opposite of hiding the truth, anything that is TRUE, and you are out of hiding, so am I!
    anita

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by tinybuddha.
    anita
    Participant

    No, got nothing- you can write here if you’d like. Some of these threads are very long and extend over many months so it is okay to keep going here.
    anita

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by tinybuddha.
    anita
    Participant

    If you click forums and then Members, type “anita” in Search, you will get to where it says: Public Message where you can send me a message, I get a notice in my email acct and we can correspond that way. I am not good at techno stuff- this is all I know regarding this website. If you give me your email address I will send you an email and we can correspond privately that way.
    anita

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by tinybuddha.
    anita
    Participant

    Thanks- anita

    anita
    Participant

    Oh, yes, you are 21. And you’ve been hiding for 18 years out of these 21, this is a long time. Glad you are feeling better. Please do post anytime, I will look for your posts and will reply to them quickly if I am online. If I didn’t reply quickly enough it is because I am off the computer. Take care of yourself!

    anita

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by tinybuddha.
Viewing 15 posts - 36,841 through 36,855 (of 37,666 total)