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anita

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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 37,666 total)
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  • in reply to: how to reduce a primary desire ? #414757
    anita
    Participant

    Dear lorn:

    “I just feel like there is a healthier way to deal with this“- by this, you mean your desire for a relationship (what you referred to as “primary desire” in the title of your thread). Fantasizing about a relationship, although it relieves your anxiety and makes it possible for you to sleep at nights, it otherwise increases your desire for a relationship. You tried to substitute meditation and distractions for the fantasy, but the result has been insomnia. Having a relationship is not possible for you now, and not for a long time.

    I am just about to go for my daily walk and will think about your dilemma. When I return, I will post again.

    anita

    in reply to: Inspirational Quotes By Amy Temple #414755
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Amy:

    Excellent Inspirational Quote, Amy Temple! I assume that “different” is a typo for difficult? Maybe both adjectives fit the saying because different is often difficult, simply for being different.

    Encouraging others in your time of pain is as noble as can be, isn’t it?

    anita

    in reply to: Aliive but NOT Living #414754
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Mindy?

    anita

    in reply to: Feeling lost.. #414748
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Palegazesunnidays:

    The long waiting lists for free counseling in the U.K. are part-evidence of the unfortunate current global mental health crisis we are in, isn’t it?

    I am trying to do my best to work through things myself“- excellent! You are welcome to use the forums in a self-help context for working through things.

    I have been reading through some of the blog articles on Tiny Budda and there were a couple that resonated with me“- what I read from the articles you attached-  reads as if you wrote it!

    I’m have become more acutely aware of feeling angry on many occasions in the past and have suppressed it, not allowed it to speak. However, more recently I am finding it really difficult to suppress“- no need to suppress anger, only its expressions (“I’ve been finding myself snapping at my boys in on occasions in recent months”, Jan 28)

    and I guess I have become more aware that it’s been trying to tell me something very important. I have found myself wanting to know what it’s been wanting to say and I now understand“- excellent! Anger like any other emotion has a valid message, or messages for you: something that you need to change for the benefit of your own (and others’) well-being.

    “I’ve have been thinking a lot over the past week about how to go about changing things so that I prioritise myself, show myself self-compassion, self-care..  I need to learn to say no, and to set boundaries… And I need to remain aware of my inner child“- you are on the right track!

    I need to learn about unnecessary guilt too“- this was a huge, long-term struggle for me and I would  like to help you with it, in this context of self-help.

    “I felt I took a step, all be it a very, very tiny step in the right direction on Sunday”- a tiny step shared about on tiny buddha is just right..!

    “A texted me Sunday morning ‘Do you still want an early cuppa?’. I wrestled with saying yes/no.. after sitting with it for 20 min or so, I texted him and said, ‘No thanks. I’ve got my climbing course today (which I had)…Hope you have a good day’. I enjoyed my walk and had a great time..”-  well done, Palegazesunnidays!

    The next step sometime along the way would be perhaps to say no to him without having to explain why. The key in this process of change is to patiently take one step at a time and congratulate yourself for it: no step is tiny when you are moving in the right direction.

    anita

    in reply to: Coping with Suffering of Other Beings? #414743
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Irina and Teddy:

    I am so glad to see this Monday morning that the three reports for inappropriate content were removed from your posts, with no changes done to your posts (as far as I can see). I was concerned that such reporting will discourage the two of you from posting again, here on this thread and perhaps elsewhere in the forums. I know how badly I feel when my posts are reported for inappropriate content, and sadly, I know that any member can use and/ or misuse this Report feature. Irina and Teddy: please post again and may these forums be a safe place for you.

    Dear Irina: in your one and only post, you expressed your intense suffering because of human cruelty to animals, which is done mostly in the context of industry farming. I appreciate your advocacy for treating animals humanely, and that even though your suffering has been immense, you tried-in your single post- to be positive: “BUT I have to thank to the writers before for writing about the little time we have had on this planet & that the earth will survive us… I understand now that I won’t help any kind with hatred & sadness in my heart & will try to heal by not getting so emotionally involved and becoming stronger“-

    – it is this positivity, this graciousness, in the midst of suffering that gives me hope for a better today and a better tomorrow.

    anita

     

    in reply to: anxiety, health and being hurt #414741
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Joanna:

    My mother mocking me, abusing me for so many years, created much anger in me, a hardness (lack of softness), great suspicion of people, focusing on the negatives in people’s words and behaviors. All these reactions to my mother’s abuse need to be further undone. I need to become Softer, and interestingly, Softer is Stronger.

    It is now Monday 9:10 am here (I like Mondays). The sun is shining, doesn’t feel much like winter. It is Mon 6:10 pm your time, have a good evening, Joanna!

    anita

    in reply to: Sex life. I want more experiences but I am too shy. #414739
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Robi1992:

    You are welcome and I hope to read from you soon.

    Why do I ‘go back to sleep’ every time I re-realise this over and over instead of working on a strategy and speed up the process“-

    – you asked this question in your 1st paragraph and answered it in your 2nd  paragraph: “It amazes me how very often we choose to be uncomfortably comfortable“-

    The process you mentioned in the first quote is the process of CHANGE, and change itself is more uncomfortable than the situation you want to change. We naturally avoid what is more uncomfortable and settle in repeat what is less uncomfortable.

    I often invest in things… and forget the most important ones. I wonder where I’ve learned that“- we all tend to invest in what brings us to a desired feeling fast. We are short-sighted this way: we’ll take a good feeling if we can get is fast, no matter it lasting only for a little while.

    anita

     

    in reply to: how to reduce a primary desire ? #414738
    anita
    Participant

    Dear lorn:

    I try to understand such pain, why it happens, and I think it’s because I haven’t satisfied such desire, and that I blame myself for not doing so, and I feel guilty about that, I have this blame & guilt issue“- if you peel the blame and guilt issue off the mental act of fantasizing, you may be able to sleep better.

    Try to have empathy for yourself instead of judging yourself as Guilty. Your desire for a relationship, if it is for a healthy, loving relationship-  is a natural desire, nothing to feel guilty about, is it?

    anita

    in reply to: Will I get back with him #414737
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Gay:

    You are very welcome. “Am wondering why he is in a matrimonial site awaiting divorce and proposing marriage to other women when his divorce is dragging for long“- it looks like his reason is that he wants to communicate with women online, in a romantic context, while going through a divorce (if he is going through a divorce).

    I think I have some soul connection with him and I want to be part of his life so I can help him… somewhere I have developed some attachment to him. I believe I can take care of him well and have lot of sympathy for him“- this soul connection that you feel, your wanting to take care of him well.. this is a beautiful part of yourself.

    Do you think he is worth my time?“-  no, I don’t think that he is worth your time or that he is worth this beautiful part of yourself, which I mentioned right above.

    I had only arranged marriages. I don’t do dating” – maybe it’s time for cautious and wise dating?

    anita

     

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Henry:

    Based on the little that you shared, my opinion is that if your family is doing fantastically, there is no need for family therapy. If, on the other hand, the “many communication gaps” that you mentioned poke holes in that “doing fantastically”, then quality psychotherapy can help a lot.

    anita

     

    in reply to: Aliive but NOT Living #414713
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mindy:

    I am so sorry to read of your heart breaking story: losing your middle son in 2018, your daughter in law in 2020, your husband later in 2020,  and your older son in 2022; being harassed by your estranged younger son and his father, having bad hips and knees, and being alone and lonely.

    It’s a good thing that you have a therapist and I hope she will soon be able to help you more than she has so far.

    “I’m sorry for the length of this, if too long please just delete.  This has been difficult to write”- please feel comfortable to share more, here on your thread: post as many times as you need to, and at any length. I would like to read more from you, so please do post again and when you do, I will reply again.

    anita

    in reply to: Sex life. I want more experiences but I am too shy. #414711
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Robbi1992:

    You are very welcome!

    The thing is that sometimes it’s very hard to know which ‘voice’ I’m hearing.  Is this my gut speaking or my mind ? Am I really following my instinct/intuition or I’m guided by my fears and insecurities ?“-  your fears and insecurities reside in your gut and they are speaking to you. Knowing what to do  next- what’s the best choice- resides in your mind and in your gut, but you have to put the fear and insecurities aside for a while, so to get to the answer.

    There are 2 things that seem to keep me busy thinking over and over.  1) Do I want to be with this woman ? 2) Should we go somewhere else?… She’s been very understanding and suggested we should look for a room somewhere else“- my gut feeling is that you should live elsewhere (out of her mother’s flat, at least) with your girlfriend, but also, that you should go through some more healing from your difficult childhood (while living with her, or during a break from living with her).

    “1) I often feel like I got bored. We spend time together but it’s not as interesting as it used to be.. I also don’t really feel like connecting. Quite the contrary, when she texts me I feel resistance“- this is the re-living of your childhood emotional experience: feeling bored, disconnected and sometimes angry.

    What if she really is good for me, and we are good for each other and the reason why I’m not able to enjoy if fully is my f*cked up programming?“- I don’t think that you can feel that any woman (no matter who she is) is right for you, not after an initial infatuation/ not for long.

    I often remember the way I felt when I was going out and talked to girls and had complete ‘freedom’“- imagine freedom (without the quotation marks you used, real freedom, that is) within a long-term relationship with a woman…?

    I enjoyed a lot impressing them and acting cool around them. I enjoyed a lot this initial stage when they don’t really know me“- this is wearing the mask you talked about back in June 2018. Real freedom is about having an intimate relationship without wearing a mask, having “something authentic, something real“, using your words of less than 2 hours ago.

    Do you remember when during my childhood I’ve had no privacy, and I basically lived in a room which wasn’t at all suitable for me, the one with the glass door ? Well, you’re not gonna believe this.  None of the rooms except the living room and bathroom have doors…“- amazing indeed. Clearly, you should move out. Try to be nice to her mother, knowing you will be moving out soon. Like you said, it’s been very nice for her to let you live there with her daughter.

    anita

     

    in reply to: Sex life. I want more experiences but I am too shy. #414707
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Robbi1992:

    You started your this thread in early Dec 2018, when you were about to turn 26. In your original post back then, you shared: “The thing is, I am shy. It really depends on the situation, sometimes I can be quite confident and extroverted… sometimes even tending to dominate the conversations.. and it makes me feel good and strong”.

    You started an earlier thread in early June of 2018 (age 25). In it you shared that you have a bachelor and a master degree in the field of photography, but you were not doing anything with these degrees. When you discovered photography back in high-school, you weren’t necessarily interested in the subject, but having taken photos of girls in school, you became popular with girls and being popular with girls was something that you were very interested in. You wrote about that time in high-school: “I was still a shy and insecure guy but this time I was able to put on a different kind of ‘mask’“.

    In regard to your relationship with your parents, you wrote: “It felt like I was never been able to be myself around them and I didn’t really develop… I still feel uncomfortable around them and I still don’t feel connection to them… I never felt very close to my parents.. Most of the times it felt like I hate them.. About one thing I am sure. They never gave me privacy or the feeling of freedom“.

    As a child, you grew up in a room with a glass door: “It had a door basically made of glass.. U couldn’t see clearly through it.. But it didn’t give me a feeling of privacy. They (parents) used to also come in whenever they needed something from there… They kept stuff they used daily there. I never had my own space. I never had a room full of posters on the walls and personal things around. I also hated them for that.. I used to minimize whatever was happening on my computer every time they we’re entering the room. I don’t know why.. Maybe I was trying to keep something for myself…There was also the lake house. In summers we lived there… Again I was trapped there waiting for people to come and give me some attention. I guess.. I was very lonely. Well.. Not. My parents where there every second of my childhood“.

    Looking back today on what you shared above, back in June 2018, the words the boy behind the glass door come to my mind, a boy living in a storage room with a glass door. You minimized the computer screen so that they don’t see what you had on the computer screen. You also minimized you because there was no safe, private space for you to be and to become (to develop, using your word). You were literally seen, but figuratively, you were not seen at all: if you were figuratively seen, your parents would not have gone into the storage room at any time; they would knock first and wait for your permission to enter, and they would have covered the glass door with some dark material.

    Fast forward 4.5 years, to January 28, 2023, you are now 30, living in Poland to where you moved so to be with your girlfriend: “I’ve been thinking about moving or not moving for some time now… I’ve become very unsure about my relationship and my feelings and I often feel like I’m with the wrong person. Could it be that we are not right for each other ? Or maybe I’m not ready for it / not capable of a healthy relationship… Often missing my past couple of years where I was single and having a good time in Spain. A lot has been going on and I often feel like I’m about to explode”-

    -I imagine that every person is the wrong person for a boy living behind a glass door. Better say, a boy who feels like he is living behind a glass door: no privacy, no space of his own. Like I expressed to you before, when we have difficult childhoods, as adults, we keep re-living the same emotional experience of childhood. We live in different adult contexts (Spain, Poland, elsewhere; having a job or not) but we feel the same. Just like you felt trapped as a child, you feel trapped as an adult, currently, trapped in a relationship.

    I hope you too are doing alright! I never asked you anything about yourself but wish I knew more about you“- I am still in the process of healing from growing up trapped with my mother. I left her and the country (at age 24), crossed oceans and continents.. felt intense, exciting freedom for a while.. but then, the trapped-feeling returned and I had to leave once again, and go elsewhere. I was mostly depressed with breaks of euphoria, from time to time. Fast forward to now, I feel more relaxed being and becoming (developing) myself.

    Like you, I was literally seen growing up, but not figuratively; like you, I wore a mask, like you, I was very shy but at times, I behaved extrovertedly.. but now, I am becoming more and more just one person, no mask, and I always feel much better that how I often felt before (very depressed, hopeless, helpless). I am much stronger now: I don’t have to run away anymore.

    anita

    in reply to: Bad parents #414706
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Mina. Post again anytime you feel like posting.

    anita

    in reply to: Bad parents #414704
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mina:

    I figure that it would be a good idea for you to marry again only if it is to a man who will be able and willing to give you access and opportunity for quality professional help, including psychotherapy. He will need to get to know you, and you getting to know him, before getting married. Another arranged marriage by your parents to a man you don’t know and who doesn’t know you- is a bad idea.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 37,666 total)