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ocean

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  • #427256
    ocean
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    “if you would like to, can you elaborate on this worry: what particular thoughts about the family meshing run through your mind?”

    i worry that i won’t be as close with his siblings. i grew up very close to my siblings and i love them dearly. my family is very close as well. i envision for my future to be similar, where i have a great relationship with my in-laws, where i am close with my husband’s siblings and i’m afraid they might not like me or interact with me. they’re much older (10+ years of age difference) so i’m not sure what we would have in common. i have not met them yet but i am very nervous. i usually am not afraid of meeting people older than me or starting a conversation. one of my really close friends is 6 years older than me but i am just worried his siblings might not like me or want their brother to be with me. they seem very different, their sibling dynamics is very different from mine. again, this is all fear based which adds to my doubts. i thought it would be somewhat normal to be nervous when meeting partner’s family but i am just worried they might not like me.

    #427252
    ocean
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thank you for your response.

    I sense that you are angry with him and perhaps envious of him (and his family) for having had a laid back life, while you and your parents didn’t have that kind of luxury, a life you wish or wished you had… Any truth to this?”

    No there is no truth to this. If anything, I wish his parents was more like my parents. I feel like his parents are very much comfortable with their current standard of life. I don’t think they’d want to change anything about it or better themselves.

    “I wonder if you feel that you’d betray your parents if you choose a partner who does not at all follow their philosophy and practice of life: the perhaps restless striving to be and do better (financially,  educationally..?)”

    I know I shared that my biggest concern was our families meshing, but I feel like my parents will be happy with whomever I choose to build a life with. If there were any problems or issues that were alarming about the individual, my parents would definitely have a conversation with me, but I do not think they would feel betrayed and I would not feel like I betrayed them. At the end of the day, I feel like all parents should want to see their kids happy so I know my parents would do that for me. I have a good and confident feeling that my parents would love him but it’s really the families meshing that I worry about a lot.

    #427247
    ocean
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thank you for your responses. I’d like to use the same formatting as I respond:

    1) “has your experience been that you are walking on eggshells when talking with him or planning to talk to him, that you have to be careful about the words you choose and what you say, so that he does not take what you say the wrong way and get offended?”

    I wouldn’t say that I have to walk on eggshells. He provides a safe and open safe for me to communicate but often times my bluntness can come off as very harsh which in turn can hurt him. He is a very highly sensitive individual. Thank you for sharing some insight about your mother – I do not think he gets offended anytime I say something, I think it is usually when I poorly phrase my thoughts and feelings,. I recognize I have some work to do when I am trying to express myself – there is no doubt about that – but the saying “think before you speak” definitely is something I want to strive for. I tend to get frustrated and upset and in turn, when I am expressing that, it comes out harshly so I definitely am learning how to properly communicate with him.

    2) “when choosing a lifetime partner, it is very important to learn about his family dynamic, because he may continue the same dynamic in a marriage with you. Would you like to share about his family dynamic as opposed to yours?”

    Our families have a lot in common – we have a similar upbringing, same culture and religion, our family dynamic is mostly similar, but one thing that is different is my family is very traditional and very cultural whereas his family is very modern, laid back, go with the flow type. Often times I think about how my family and his family will mesh. One of my thoughts is that, will they get along? Will they be close? I come from a family of hustlers – where they work extremely hard and ambition is very much a factor in each and every one of us in my family. Him on the other hand, it seems like his family is very comfortable with where they are at. They do not strive to be better or do better – if anything, change scares them. He is someone who has ambition, has the same moral values as I do and we both want the same things. That is where the initial attraction started, it felt really nice to finally meet someone who viewed life the same way as me and we both envision what our future would look like.

    3) “do you mean that he shows a lack of interest in serous conversations about the future: that he is not interested in such conversations.. or in a future with you? Can you give me an example of such a conversation: (part of) what you said to him, and (part of) what he said back, or how he reacted?”

    I usually would find myself being the person talking about timelines, marriage, future etc. It’s not that he doesn’t want any of those things with me, a big reason as to why he was never bringing them up was because he felt he was not ready financially and he wanted to secure that before starting a new chapter. His attitude has always been excited for the next chapter with me, and how he wants it just as badly as I do. We had gone into this with the same mindset that this was a serious relationship. He has never given me any doubt about not wanting a future with me and has always been very open how he strives for financial security.

    4) “how are you an added value to him, in what ways? What kinds of positives/ emotional fulfillment could he add to your life if he acted differently from the way he does (examples)?”

    I would say that I am a positive addition to his life because I encourage him, support him, motivate him, give him advice on anything that he may be dealing with. I play a big role in teaching him things that I know and I am always there for him when he needs love, support etc. He does the same by encouraging me, supporting me, and he does try to give me advice but I’m someone that usually doesn’t go to others for advice unless I really need it. He doesn’t really teach me a lot or show me a lot of things but the love and support is there. So I may have been harsh at first when saying I don’t feel like positives were added into my life.

    —–

    How can I determine if this is just my deep rooted fear and anxiety versus letting something really good and healthy go? I was in a relationship in the past, many many years ago, and I was anxious having the same worries of ‘is he for me’ etc. I wonder if it could be relationship anxiety. If it is that, how can I resolve the relationship anxiety feelings?

    I felt confident and reassured when I started this relationship, it is only recently where I feel like I’m doubting. I do feel distant and a bit of a disconnect from him but it’s mainly the doubts and fears I have that make me push him away… I worry so much that our families might not get along. I worry so much that his family may not like me or accept me or my family. I worry if my family might not accept his family or him for that matter.

Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total)