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  • #370788
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    Participant

    1. Oh, I meant that since the pandemic started, they have had less connection to the Scientologist groups. It is like an Echo Chamber, and since being exposed to less of it they have become much more mellow.

    2. I feel as if everybody I meet knows about all the bad things I have done and hate me automatically. It is a paranoia that I have.

    3. By my mistake, I meant the mistake I made this thread to discuss, and while it has made me feel better to read other people who have made similar mistakes posts and know I am not alone, I know this is not an immediate fix. I still need to bring this up with my psychiatrist, when we meet on Friday.

    #370783
    E
    Participant

    I don’t think so…usually when someone did something bad they were sent to the Ethics Department. My mom gave me books called The Ethics Book, the Manners Book and the Drugs Book which were thick picture books about psychology being evil, how to behave, etc. There are, I will admit, nuggets of good advice about basic reasoning for kids to know like don’t eat rotten food or don’t take words at face value, but they were obviously meant to condition kids reading it.

    Yes, my parents are all about morality, not so much nowadays. I think the pandemic really helped with disconnecting them. I used to read books from the lobby while waiting for my mom at her volunteer position at the Org (church) that talked about how the confidentiality of psychology meant there were huge proportions of patients that were raped in treatment.

    I didn’t know what rape was, but it sounded violent. The book went on to say how the doctor prescribed medication to shut her up. A few other stories like that. I went on the Freewinds and the kids club was basically a work camp slash mental torture ring. I refused to go after a few days of it. You know that torture method where they ask you repetitive questions for hours to wear you down? That was an actual activity that we did. For like two hours or more a day. Pick up the bottle, what color is it, what temperature, what is it made of, okay, put it down, walk to this other table, pick up the bottle, etc, etc. 

    My old Auditor said a few years ago they developed a New Tech that could let you read the auras of things you touched and even for me as a kid growing up with that stuff I was like….no, that’s baloney.

    But yes, I’m very scared of everybody I meet. I used to wonder if me as a child making that mistake meant I was truly evil from birth. But once I moved away from home, I realized what a bunch of loonbills they are, and my OCD brain, ever helpful with facts and statistics, helped me decide that I couldn’t define myself by their standards. So I feel that it hasn’t affected me to the point of non-recovery.

    #370780
    E
    Participant

    Thank you! I have made my own thread on my own mistake when I realized here is not the place to discuss it, and your list of techniques seems very helpful and I will try them out. It really is a relief to see that so many other people make horrible mistakes in childhood, and that we can’t shackle ourselves to our mistakes as children.

    I hope that we can forgive our child selves for doing things they didn’t fully understand, and pray that we and our victims (if they were traumatized by our mistakes) can find healing. Achieving a sin-free life isn’t possible, we will all make mistakes, but it is the lessons we learn from them that are the most important, I think. Please try, like Anita has helpfully told us, to seek professional help.

    Your guilt proves that there is good in you. It is worth living for!

    #370776
    E
    Participant

    As to her mentioning it itching, it made perfect sense to me as it was the factor that made me realize something was wrong about it and convinced me to stop trying to recreate what I was trying to. Even I, as guilty as I am having attempted anything at all with her, can confidently say that really, it stopped far before anything sexual even occurred. This is backed up by myself and my mother almost identically as I told her what happened soon after, and I confirmed with her after I told her my recollection, and she agreed that it matched what I told her then. I don’t remember all details, only that:

    1. the attempt stopped before anything sexual happened (I mean we had been naked around each other before then and after that time for any number of reasons, we’re siblings), so all that occurred, I am very certain, is that I pressed our genitals together lightly in the aforementioned position, then left once she complained of it itching her as she had yet to grow hair.

    2. the reason I realized it was wrong was when it did not elicit the response my child self expected; I.e she told me my hair was itchy and it became clear to me that what I was doing may be wrong. I think that some part of me knew it might be wrong beforehand but realized that I was way over my head in knowing how serious of a mistake I was making, of which again I am very thankful for.

    I guess the thing that I’m upset about and need to come to terms with is that it was a misguided decision made by a child that was innocent enough to not lead anywhere traumatizing for either of us. Is this a correct conclusion?

    Yes, I agree. I called it a ‘new game’ I had found, as that was harmless enough and I knew that I was only curious to try out the position, not the act. That is very important to me; it was the position I was most interested in, not the act itself.

    I can’t say for sure how pure my intentions were, but if I had known something would cause her harm I would never have done it, that I do know. What I tried to recreate was so basic and borderline non-sexual that it wouldn’t have registered for her at all.

    On another note, my parents are Scientologists, so they have a phobia of mental health professionals. They’re good people, but got caught up in the fear-mongering. I remember being very very VERY fussy about everything and having a high standard for procedure and process from a young age. My food had to be on separate plates, I only wore certain types of clothing. Nothing too bad. When I asked, they told me they assumed I was a weird kid like all kids were in the 90’s, but not weird enough to take me to a doctor about my behaviour.

    They did send me to Auditing, which is basically Scientologist’s version of therapy. (not due to this incident, they had been having me attend it before that and after, and I never told my auditors about the incident, except one of them in very basic terms- and they have a confidentiality policy. whether they upheld it, I have no idea)

    An example of a traumatic childhood? Like, someone who was groomed, or witnessed violence a lot in the home, or is beaten?

    #370763
    E
    Participant

    Yes, that part of this also confuses me. I do know she was a very intelligent child, but my mother insists that I was no older than 12. I honestly cannot recall too much detail about the incident other than what I have listed. It also confuses me, because I clearly recall that she voiced a complaint, that she wanted to do something else and I had itched her with the light contact. Was she big for her age? She has no recollection of the incident. That does to me also seem something a young child should be unable to do. If anything helps, I am a very petite woman and was an even more petite child. If she was big for her age and I was small for my age, I guess it may have partially worked…but I know that I was trying to imitate that specific position, even if nothing sexual happened.

    I honestly am unsure if us both being younger or older makes anything worse or better…I know I would have seen an issue with attempting to replicate that video with a baby, as my young mind knew these were things two people do with each other if anything. My thought is that I saw myself as an adult (like a lot of kids do), and so if you were a ‘person’ that made you eligible for these odd activities. Yes, she was definitely not a baby, I do believe I had enough cognitive ability to have noticed she was not a candidate as someone I could feasibly try this out with if she was a baby.

    So I had to have seen her as a person, my sister, first and foremost. I could have been 13, and her 3 or 4?  Does that make things worse?

    My childhood was very uneventful from what I understand; if I was traumatized before this incident I cannot recall, but I am doubtful of it. My afflictions began to cause problems around 1st grade I am told, but my parents thought I would grow out of it.

    I was diagnosed only recently- my parents were suspicious of mental health professionals and I only managed to get treated once I moved out. I think they were more of the ‘natural healing’ type and their horizons have since broadened.

    I am living alone, by choice, and am currently single. I am a university student, and this is the only event of its kind in my life. I am currently only receiving therapy and not medication.

    I really appreciate the analytical approach, it does a lot for confronting my OCD brain with facts that can’t be disputed easily. What-if’s only seem to make things worse for me.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by E.
    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by E.
    #370730
    E
    Participant

    Hello anita, thank you for replying.

    I do believe there was a slight misunderstanding, as she is ten years younger than me, not 10 years old at the time. Does that change anything? I know she could talk clearly, but aside from that I can’t recall.

    Yes, I do believe my afflictions make me more prone to over-reacting. It was the biggest mistake of my life and my conditions have latched onto that viciously. I have been arranging visits with my therapist, and have scheduled psychiatric help for this Friday. My urges to carry out taking my own life may have a source of their own, but they latch onto my biggest regret; i.e, that incident and fixate on it as a reason to provide me with motive.

    Most of the time, I am apathetic, living a life I do not feel I deserve as I ruined my own life by making that mistake and as such lost most if not all enjoyment from it. I don’t look both ways when I cross the street, I should say. If I smoked, which I do not, I would smoke without regard for my health as dying would be a blessing to me and it wouldn’t hurt my family as much as suicide. As long as it’s unintentional, they won’t blame themselves, you know?

    Well, I’m sort of just meandering and hoping something wipes me out, but not necessarily looking for death most of the time. It’s only during my fits that I start to freak out.

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