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patelh

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  • #365926
    patelh
    Participant

    i argued with them or they did with me. it was a toxic environment as my parents are not easy people.

    my husband likes to initiate conflict if he loses his temper with me.

    ive spoken to him recently and we watched a programme where the husband was emotionally abusing his wife so he could relate to it and he has toned down now. i think he realises his faults.

    my daughter just has chronic constipation common in toddlers so just getting through that tough period now to resolve it.

    #365517
    patelh
    Participant

    yep i guess i should not be surprised. not given birth recently no, its been a few years maybe you misunderstood the post.

    so his behaviour is consistent and he is being a bit all over the place since he returned to work after lockdown. so must be work getting to him. what now? i think he wants more intimacy in the relationship and maybe wants more from me, expects better more or less.

     

     

     

    #310115
    patelh
    Participant

    i think life might be worser, we are settled into married life well but i am faced with unkind people infrequently and battles which makes it unsatisfying and it wouldnt be the case if i stayed away as much as possible. i think my husband does not think i am not worthy of the marriage and may of said this in anger but i know he thinks and all married people think this: that they could of done better with the partner they have….thats just my perception!

    #308821
    patelh
    Participant

    just reading back on the posts as im replying late. with my husband, im going back and forth with him as he wants to separate then the next minute he does not. asking him if im worthy of marriage and the answers are unclear and he seems to say im not worthy of marriage and that others are right about it and then the next minute he says we cannot separate. im getting mixed signals alot. i think we love each other but things have gone a bit downhill and we disrespect one another, not just him disrespecting me but me too, from how i can speak unknowingly to him he claims. its hard to take this step and im thinking what to do. he is looking for a house far away from where we live now and seems to be making effort on that regard. i do see other marriages a bit like this from talking to others who say that they are just in the marriage as they are committed to it but does not mean they want to be in it…..

    #307585
    patelh
    Participant

    i agree with this and have been considering this since we spoke but also using the strategies you advised to act assertively. again i see this as a worst case for me to do and hesitant but as my dad has said in the past, nobody would marry someone with this type of health situation and although my husband knew of it before marrying he still proceeded to do so. i am able to do the above and strongly considering it, dating again is a headache as ive already done that and been there so not my thing. i do regret trying for a baby when i could of quickly gotten out of this marriage like the many others in his family who divorced without even having kids in the end….smart move!!

    #307569
    patelh
    Participant

    he was told about it a few months into the relationship not straight away as i dated a guy once who i told quite quickly and he dumped me due to that….long story….but he was told although he claims he wasnt told until after he fell in love….

    #307563
    patelh
    Participant

    yes i agree, he has stated this more than once. i am not sure why he states that probably because i ask him why people are behaving the way they are and that his is justification to me. thats the only thing i can think of, because those people wont say that to my face but if they behave a certain why then that is probably the reason or answer he gives me, as i do tell him what goes on always!?

    #307559
    patelh
    Participant

    my husband yes, in the context when people question our relationship or question me about certain things or make unkind comments.

    #307445
    patelh
    Participant

    Thanks, I have used your advice in a real life situation this week and walked away feeling better and i was able to speak up assertively and explain myself. all went well, the only thing that impacted me was that the person made me feel like i was not good enough for my husband by a question she asked me and this is not the first time i have felt that (she said did you not like any of the men you were introduced to before your husband, wasnt sure how to interpret that) i know that i am good as a person but i did walk away having low self esteem and feeling a bit incompetent as a person for my husband and he always tells me “people think that he should of done better, they had high hopes for him” i just interpret that as someone who is an amazing girl who has a top job, rich family etc etc – which i do not have but in the indian culture this is what is expected of mothers who get their sons or daughters married, general consensus seems to be this….either way its troubling me and i know somebody else or the past men i have passed would never feel that way but hey this is it really! in any case, these kind of topics are being discussed even though we have a child brought into this world, it disgusts me at times! as you said, i should avoid contact with those who are unkind and be assertive, in this case i decided to confront and see what this person had to say and test my behaviour out!

    #303921
    patelh
    Participant

    yes agree, he is being presented these options as we speak because his mum now attempts to manipulate others or instigate others to bully me, outside of the family, aunts etc because she knows she has been stopped to behave like this and isnt allowed to say much to me.┬áthe sister on the hand knows where she stands so she wont behave inappropriately again. im testing the waters and trying to avoid visiting much or avoiding situations where toxic people will be present – trying to manage it smartly. but again i have a weak scared husband who im threatening time and again and when i present to him my concerns – he walks away and asks not to be involved and on top tries to say to put up with the bullying!!! of course these things are unacceptable but i am more and more ready to take the step or action against him once i feel enough is not being done and yes your right his dad is as weak as he can be after being suppressed by the wife for years. on the plus side he called me to inform me that a toxic aunt is present at his mums house before we go visit to get my answer to visit or not so that was my choice.

    regarding my boss i am informing him that i am uncomfortable with all the frustrations directed at me during meetings etc and will say so professionally but its been hard to say anything while the behaviour is taking place!

    #303163
    patelh
    Participant

    great that makes sense, i will use these strategies. although i speak to my boss over the phone and hardly see him in person as i work remotely! i will speak to my husband although he can be a coward and wont confront those who are disrespectful to me so lets see otherwise he tends to brush it off and forgets….his sister is coming from abroad (someone also rude and bullied me in the past at the start) – again he wont say anything to her as he is afraid and she never said anything to me on her last visit – i cant recall anything major but she is not accommodating to me if i have a commitment etc but thats another story! nothing happened on her last visit because i ended the relationship with her a year or two back and told her i will do so as i could not handle her bullish antics towards me, it went on for a while. at this moment, i feel to rebuild the relationship as she has not tried to but sometimes i think its just not worth the hassle. she is just like her mother, no difference and behaves in similar ways. as you said in an earlier post, people behave a certain way to please the powerful mother in law and yes she is one of them!! im just so wary of her as she has motives and is manipulative. one of those possessive over their brother sisters who will do anything to get their way.

    #302257
    patelh
    Participant

    thanks anita, you say it all so clearly and it really makes me think clearly as to the situation i am in or what i may be in, in the future! your words hit hard and you make me realise the hard facts and reality of my situation or predicament, its exactly what i need to help me out of this bubble or blurry cloud i am in. it is helping me understand why people behave a certain way as well. sorry for the late reply. i think i need help in asserting myself and communicating, i am trying to since we spoke and it helps but for instance at work, my boss spoke to me by raising his voice and again was rude. i tried to reply back and be assertive but not sure if he got the point. i think he is taking advantage of my kindness or something else is bothering him? i did msg him later and ask if he is ok and then said you didnt seem happy earlier. but my approach needs improving. i want to speak to him or show him that he cant speak to me like that and raise his voice and not give me a chance to explain myself. he tends to assume the worst in the work i produce without realising that i havent done anything wrong and that i was right. he jumps the gun and quickly assumes that the process i took was wrong when in fact i just said it out wrong and ive done it correctly. i noticed silence is a pain and he gives me silence when we talk over the phone probably to assert his authority but this is someone who seems difficult to me as is the rest of the team i work in.

    yes can we work on this motivation of speaking up when someone has spoken rudely and being assertive. my communication is poor and i can see that at times myself.

    regarding my husband and his family, yes things wont change even if i communicate better but im testing out if i can speak more clearly to see if there is some change at all. ive spoken to my husband about the topics raised here and he seems to have taken a step back and isnt as nasty as he was – want him to realise that this isnt me but them as the problem. his mother in laws wants me to take a car ride with them to her sisters house to visit her sick husband – im very hesitant to do this in case her sister throws harsh remarks at me as they all love to do that!!!

    #301931
    patelh
    Participant

    yep your comments are accurate, not much more to add there. the fear is there but i am brave to do it and once the idea sinks in because it hasn’t by the way then maybe i can be strong enough to do it.

    yep there is regret but it only came across more recently, sometimes you think you have a child and things can change or improve but clearly not. i was also not mature or wise at the time of taking the step of marriage etc – i am a very naive person which has cost me alot in the past. i am more so wise now after the experiences and already know i will be wise for decisions in the future.

    with people behaving a certain way to me, my husband thinks its because i dont communicate well or rub people up the wrong way which ive been told by someone at work too. im not sure if its me or them and it goes back to my original post of why is there a continuous cycle of rudeness coming at me again and again….

    #301803
    patelh
    Participant

    yes my husband is honest and decent but selfish too. he is actually a honest guy and lots of people told me im lucky to have him, but really am i?!?!

    #301801
    patelh
    Participant

    i got angry and flipped out at her, was not calm and assertive – just lost my temper. i havent yet to this day probably due to my extreme anxiety confronted her in a calm collective way in which she will understand what i am saying. counsellor in the past did say i should just sit down and chat with her about all the past drama and issues and probably ask her what problems she has with me now, believe me she has a whole list of problems gathered up about me but does not ever confront me on it, just drops hints or looks in situations which i clock onto as a new or old issue she has for example, how i am dressed at her house. one day, i will have courage to speak up if i suddenly notice she isnt happy about something with me (she asks my husband if i do cook or do housework at home as she seems to think i dont do anything, probably as that is her first impression of me when i first lived at her house, i didnt help her at all as she seemed hostile towards me and we had a messy past).

    on another note, i realised after some research that i could of got this marriage annulled at the start when i didnt have the child as this is possible if you were forced into it according to the law.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 32 total)