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Rubina

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  • #386094
    Rubina
    Participant

    Thank you for your kind words!!

    #386092
    Rubina
    Participant

    Thats what i tell myself God is above all these people.He is non judgemental and forgiving.Anyways thanks for  your time and  input anita.I alreally appreciate it.It was nice talking to someone who understands what i am going through.I am just trying to heal myself from this trauma so that i dont repeat the same with my kiddo.

    #386088
    Rubina
    Participant

    I tried zoloft when i was postpartum.Zoloft itself gave me anxiety.I started having thoughts like what if i get addicted to this medicine,what if i have side effects.But i did take it for an year.I was on 25mg that didnt help me much.I always seek assurance from my husband whenever i have a ocd attack.I feel better for few months then it hits me again.I feel anxious for one month then it kind of goes away.I started eating healthy and try to go for a daily walk for the sake of my mental health and i started feeling better.But now a days when i go for a walk.I get thoughts like” you are doing so much for mental health not doing anything for the God”.Sometimes that stops me for going on a walk.These obsessions  feel so real.When it comes to my kid i get the same thought you are doing so many sacrifices for your kid and you are doing nothing for god.These obessions come out in every action that i do.I spoke to a UK therapist who herself is a ocd survivor.I just had one session with her.She told me to set boundaries with religion.When i do i am scared if God will accept me?I am scared of conflicts in general if  i dont like something about people i try to avoid them.I always fear being judged and when they do i dont talk to them i simply avoid them instead of setting boundaries.The only person i can set boundaries are with my husband.I try i pray and fast during particular month of the year.I try to avoid so many things which are forbidden in our religion.Still i am not happy with myself.My mother used to always compare me with my cousin even if  iwas good at sudies.She once told me that you wont be able to achieve what your cousin did.Once i told my dad i was topper in the exams.He told me there might be poor students in the class thats the reason you became the topper.My father never respected me even my siblings.How do i heal with the childhood trauma and come out of trap of the perfectionism?

     

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 12 hours ago by Rubina.
    #386082
    Rubina
    Participant

    Thanks Anita.I appreciate for taking your time to read such a long post written by me.During my childhood i was surrounded by religious people.They would always tell us that you would go to hell if you dont pray,or listen to music and all other stuff.That didnt impact me during the childhood.It started impacting since graduation when i got closer to god.I was judged for wearing short clothes as child,for not covering my breast.These so called religious people would always judge about the way i dressed.My parents werent emotionally avaible to us.We indian people stay with parents even after my maariage.My mother had to deal with my grandmother who used to fight for every small thing.I used to get scared during weekends because it was a always chaos at home.My father is also short tempered person who used to blame/fight with my mother for every single thing.During our childhood we were very poor as my father couldnt get a proper job.He lost his eye to cancer.So mother and father had so many issues to deal with.I sometimes feel like my parents never taught us how deal with people judgements or how to stay strong during difficult times.We were always judged by relatives as we were poor that time.I have very low self esteem as a child.I have very few number of friends since childhood.My job was a disaster too because i wouldnt talk to anyone.I always felt like i am not good enough that carried till i got married.I used to pray to god to give me a good husband who shouldnt be like my dad.I got married 6 years back.It was an arranged marriage.I dont know why after marriage my confidence shot up.I started being myself.We moved to US after marriage.My husband never judged me the way i looked or dressed.I used to wear whatever i wanted even stopped praying.That didnt bother me much at that time.I really love the initial years of my marriage.There was no fear or anxiety for just being myself.I have an elder brother who became religious after i got married.He is used to judge me the way i am.He would always hit us(me and my twin sister) or say nasty words since childhood.I never said anything but tolerated his behavior all the time.But after pandemic i stopped talking to him.Because it really started affecting my mental health.I didnt want to be treated like that anymore.I dont know why  i dont feel confident like i felt during the intial years of my marriage.The feeling not good enough is back again after my daughter was born.I dont pray now and i still dress the way i want to.I dont do any of the compulsions now.Because i am trying change my beliefs.,but i am not able to do so.As i said there is always voice in my head that i am doing wrong.I am not able to move forward with that mental block.I want god in my life but i dont want to be driven by fear.My husband is a very confident person.He is a muslim too but he doest have this kind of fears.He always tells me to treat God like a friend and get bothered by others beliefs.I always wish i was like him.I am just trying to introspect what went wrong during my childhood that is stopping me for being myself.I also had counselling with a muslim therapist during pandemic.I told her what i was going through.She told me that i have to pray and God is guiding me.My anxiety spiked up after talking to her.I always feel like i dont want to do it compulsively.Now a days my mother has become religious.She tells me that i dont dress properly or i stopped praying like i used to before.I dont know even sometimes i feel the same thing why i have changed now.Why i dont do all those things like i did during my graduation like praying,dressing modestly.I dont want to raise my daughter by rubbing all these beliefs on her.So i am trying to change myself and beliefs.My mother,brother and sister they all are religious.When i think about them i always feel like a bad muslim.

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 16 hours ago by Rubina.
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