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I hear you anita. I understand how hard it is to bloom in an environment where all you absorb is negativity.
I wish I could do that right now. It’s so hard, because I am financially dependent on them. My education is being sponsored by my father and the amount is a lot, but, I just don’t feel I am worth it. I hope that once I graduate and I am able to walk on a path that feels right, even if it is away from them, or create healthy boundaries for the sake of my inner peace.
Some part of me strangely feels attached and grateful for all they have done- and without I am not sure if I would’ve been able to write this right now.
I was hoping you would find me. I seek your guidance and wisdom. Whoever you are, wherever you are- thank you for your words and kindness, for you have helped so many heal.
My inner voice says that I know you will not hurt me.
I used to express a lot. All of my emotions. Be it happiness, sadness, anger, jealousy. And everyone around me knew what I was feeling. But for the past few months, it has mostly been sadness, and where I live, mental health, and the concept of trauma, is unfamiliar. My own family refused to accept my struggle for a few years, and when I reached a brink, my mother realized that she would lose me, and in this fear, she tried to understand what I was going through, what I go through, but I have given up. Her turbulence, her past, her words and all that she has undergone, just make me guilty about my own feelings, and I sometimes feel like a burden.
Due to this lockdown, I live with my family. And a new addition to our family- my grandmother. I respect her, but I don’t think she reciprocates the same.
All my life, all my life I tried to be the perfect granddaughter for both my grandparents, and instead their love and affection and respect was showered upon my cousin, who was achieving so much living in a 1st world country and making the most of the opportunities that she had.
My grandfather passed away recently. I never really knew what he thought of me. And it pains me that whatever image that he had of me, I will never be able to change it. I do miss him, for I loved him, his honesty and hardwork and simplicity. But I just feel like a failure. I was never the granddaughter he wanted.
My grandmother has her way of taunting me. Her love and respect goes to my brother, and if she had her way, I would be tending to her whims and fancies all the time. My mom does nothing to support me. She wants me to be the idea daughter and granddaughter- and not ruin my image, which I already have.
I don’t know who I am, anita. I have spent my entire life pleasing others, doing what others want me to do, even choosing a profession just because of this silly competition with my cousin and I don’t even know if I want to do this anymore.
I have struggled with friendships. Been bullied when I was growing up, and been called names, never been accepted into any friendships and friend groups, been shamed and ridiculed for who I am, always labeled as too weird, or too different.
My friends, or the people I call my friends, right now, don’t bother to check up on me because I feel like I have become a difficult person to deal with. My emotional needs and my issues, are too much for them. When I stopped being a vent, and a home for their emotional needs, and asked for some reciprocation, they shut their doors.
My mom has always been harsh on me. Her idea of a perfect daughter, her ideal kid, her sunshine, her hero, her saviour- the one who never fails, and I know that she is living her own childhood and the experiencs she lost through me, but instead of giving me a choice, and helping me take my own decisions, she forces her authority on me.
I live in shame everyday. I do. I have so much potential. But in the end, I keep quiet, and do whatever is asked of me, for I know that as long as I live with them, there is no me. Just the version that they want to see.
Thank you for listening to my story.
- This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by sherry.
this is my thread^ I had an account with the pseudonym Darcy. Sorry for the confusion. This is the conflict that I go through everyday. I just don’t like who I am.